The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

' i L - ' i ' " ' " • * - - -- " ' "! • •- v w :if*-. *:' •• • . -v.-» w ®pill! •»--*" ""!ffr.ai."v yr KCRt** flltWO MAM. Wa'a bashful, h»'a narrons, ha'i bfMthlMi i irlth JfeHur, «tt« kMN are all trembling, his vole# isn't IBB^R fixed 'hlmaelf tip jxwt do smart M favosa, Ifarhe knows that we all know he's Mary'« young man. • black bair is parted with exquisite oftQl, » barber has soaked it witli bay rum at'will, feae B mustache on the cricket-teaui plan, •leven on a Btd* has our Mary's young man. ins new boots are squeaky, hit clothe# freshly W pressed, sports two gold chains on the front of his ' • vest; Via face is wall browned, with a flush through a • tan. «&deed, he'e quite handsome, 1b Mary's young ' man. StlovM Mary fondly, and ate likes him, too; larling to comes twice a' week now, his d woo. Wtwy sit in the parlor; she flirts her new fan, 4»d he flirts with Mary, does Mary's young man. ib's fretting less bashful, wa see, every week, -And we think before long hall get oourage to apeak. Then Mary's expression hell anxiously scan-- •CM then for the wedding of Mary's young man. 1 LAWYER'S FEE. BY V. H. LOCKWOOD. married woman. Site hesitated, she sudd, about* acoepting another bright young lawyer, but I argued my cause fervidly. . Before departing I informed her that I had posted a letter to her bnt after this personal interview its contents would seem cold and flat to her, I feared, and she promised not to open it but turn it over to me. I gave my landlady $10 and got the jftdge to sign the decree as of the date of the hearing of the cause. Within month two hearts beat ap one, yet three years of patient waiting; and strenuous effort elapsed before I oould consummate our plan. "The other time I took a man at the top of the ladder," she remarked at our engagement, "and came down. I may as well now try one who is starting at the bottom and going up, for he oould not very well go down. As for me, I never got the balance of that $50, yet I am sure I obtained the best and handsomest fee that a' lawyer ever seoused in a case. ,IP': Iff. Burford in ?" ? ;"*Yes'm, that's my name," I replied U *1 dropped my feet from the top, of toy <0*sk and braced np at the entrance of * rather fine looking woman. For six tnonths I had been sitting there on my •Bjfioe waiting for my first case. .."."I want to get a divorce," she re­ sponded after she had seated herself in •* proffered chair. When the dazed sen­ sation that came over , me at her first ^statement had vanished, J saw that she Ibad a bright, open, refined face, slightly marked, however, by the footprint of sorrow. ""Well, madam, if yon* have a good aground for divorce, I shall take great ^pleasure in assisting you," I replied, "casting another glance at her large, jtonder, brown eyes. She then told me * pitiful story of suffering from the Ibrutality of a drunken husband. "A bright young lawyer he was like ^•ou when we were married, and he had met with remarkable success. He was gmpnlar and well-known, a Circuit "Court Commissioner with a good salary, «nd in the first year after our marriage lie made $2,000 in one case besides -^ahiings in miscellaneous business. No man in the city had brighter prospects than he. "My father had died when I was four­ teen, leaving me property worth forty thousand dollars. Mother allowed me •early to enter social life; and, being aoon captivated by this young lawyer, I married him at seventeen. '^Sooeess ruined him. Within a year' to fcegan gambling and gradually* be- **me an habitual drunkard. My fidel­ ity to him was too great, too blind, for I permitted him at times to sell some of any real estate He would often let the •proceeds slip through his fingers within -« fortnight. "I endeavored to reclaim him but he 4had soon disposed of all my property IQd his own. Then, losing his practice wxi having no income, he became 4>rutaL I left him six months ago, af­ ter years of want and cruel treatment ^andwill never again live with him." Her cause was quite sufficient, I in- H&rmed her, and I would at once pre- $>are a bill. She had no money, how­ ever, and could not she feared pay fee I demanded. At length J told to give me enough to start the suit I would wait for my fee. She left [meditating on this first ray of pro- ion al hope. After a score of blunders, anxieties «nd painful embarrassments in the pre­ paration and conduct of the suit, I suc- *oeeded in obtaining a favorable decision hom the Judge. A new difficulty now mrose. She could not pay the cost of the decree and until she did so the Joige could not sign it Before the decree was signed she would not be legally divorced, could not remarry and, if she did, she would be a bigam- tist. I J3»e poor, sweet lady resorted to "•Very means in her power to support herself. She had not been well pre­ pared for it, however, and months passed without any money coming to me for the decree and my services. I •called upon her at times for the money. She would ask me in, tell me in a few •words but with a cheerful face, the difficulty she had in earning anything, «nd then would quite naturally drift in­ to some more agreeable topic. To me she had always been very in- tin g. Her face and appearance •were certainly faultless; her voice was *efined and movements graceful. Be­ sides she was quite intelligent aud well informed on all general subjects. My calls for fees became more fre­ quent. At my departure " she would • tell me that she surely expected the money next week. 1 shall not say that money was the only inducement to call How, for matters developed so that I fell in love. Not having had much else do, I had thought about her con- natantlv, with this result. Sometimes I doubted my loye for her 4and the wisdom of it. It seemed hardlv proper to love the wife of another man. •Besides I was as poor as she; why not "wait until I had attained success before loving any one. But prudence flees at the first sight of love. At times I de- •cided to propose to her, while in a half hour 1 would conclude not to do it. It • '« the old story of love and prudence flaying at see-saw. A year of enforced idleness had con- •wuaed my capital and I had not a cent. , ; Other clients were as indigent as this -ofee. My board bill had for some time lieen unpaid and I was feeling consider­ able pressure from that direction. At 'the office one day while my feet" were **ip and my spirits down, I finally and firmly decided not to marry my client tmt make her pay up. At once I sent •her this letter: DEAD MADAM:--Nearly a year lias elapsed • •»ine« I rendered services to you to the ^amount of $50. A hundred demands on my Sart and as many promises from you have een made without avail. I fear vou have *M>t acted honestly in this matter and have put me off with the intention of not paying me. Hence unless the same be paid within • week, I shall brinp niiit afjttinHt vou, and «hall also call the attention of the judge to youi' failure to finish your proceedings lor iWHHPOQ. Respectfully. JAMES BUBFORD. Soon alter I had posted this letter, I Tjboeived one from her enclosing $17. It "Was couched in words of regret which • only a sweet woman can write. A pow-1 4 • wrful counter-current of feeling rushed through me, and my letter was as an, -arrow piercing my heart before it had - ' wounded hers. My selfish, despondent ' fleeting was completely banished by re- >*• ;gret and love, and the desire for a little .*5.. . Jjinngy W&S lost IB " A&ie tumult of other f c '^ffesires and feelings. ; "I must see her before that letter ri •esches her;" so away I ran. She had i.. is *ot gotten my letter, I knew from the re- ' aapboo she gave me. I thanked her for $17, and before departing had pro- |jn--il to her, although she was still a 1 A Born Lawyer. & " A lawyer advertised for a olerk. The next morning his office was orowded with applicants, all bright and many suitable. He bade them wait until all should arrive, and then he ranged them in a row and said he would tell them a story, note their comments and judge from that whom he would choose. " A certain farmer," began the lawyer, "was troubled with a red squirrel that got through a hole into his barn and stole his seed corn. He resolved to kill the squirrel at the first opportunity. One noon, seeing him go into the hole, he took his shotgun and fired awa^; the charge set the barn on fire." "Did the barn burn down?" asked one of the boys. The lawyer, without answering Went on: '"Seeing the barn on fire, the farmer seized a pail of water, and ran to put the flames out." "Did he put them out?" asked a other. "As he passed inside, the door shut to aifd the barn was soon in flames. The hired girl rushed out with more water--" "Did they all bam up?" asked an­ other eagerly. The lawyer did not answer the ques­ tion, but continued: "Then the old lady came out, and all was confusion, and everybody was try­ ing to put out the fire." "Did anyone burn up?" asked an­ other. "There, that will do; you have all shown great interest in the story," the lawyer said. He turned toward one bnght-eved little fellow who had maintained a deep silence and said: "Now, my little man, what have you to say about it ?" The little fellow blushed, grew un­ easy, and stammered out: "I want to know what became of that squirrel, that's what I want to know!" "You'll do--you are my man!" ex­ claimed the lawyer. "You have not been switched off by a confusion and a barn burning, and hired girls and water pails; yon have kept your eye on that squirrel!" An Inflation of the Collaterals. The Law ( Chicago) relates a good anecdote of the distinguished juridical wit, Emery A. Storrs, which may be best appreciated by those who are cog­ nizant of the careless business habits of that notable advocate. In the presidential canvas of 1876, Mr. Storrs was assigned by the mana­ gers of Mr. Hayes' candidacy to make some speeches in New England. In one town he was informed by the local committeemen that he would be ex­ pected to say something on the fiscal question, and that the electors in that section were not friendly to inflation. The monetary question was one Storrs never could master; but as the audience expected to hear something on it, he said he could state his ideas best by re­ lating a little personal experience. Having occasion to use a few thousand dollars, "I called on Mr. Nickerson, one of our leading Chicago bankers, and said I wished to achieve a loan. 'All right, Mr. Storrs,' said the banker, 'how much do you want?' I mentioned the sum, and he said: 'All right, Mr. Storrs, what are your collaterals?' Col­ laterals! says I. 'Yes' says he. Why, says I, Mr. Nickerson, I haven't got any collaterals! 'Then you can't get any money in this bank,' says he. Fel­ low citizens, I thought that was very queer! "So, then I went to Mr. Coolbaugh, another of our great bankers, and says I: Have you got any money to lend, Mr. Coolbaugh? 'Lots of it,' says he; 'how much do you want, Mr. Storrs ?' I said that $5,000 would do. 'All right, Mr. Storrs, what are your collaterals ?' says Coolbaugh. Why, I haven't got any, says I. 'Then you can't get a red cent in this bank!' says he. Fellow citizens, I thought that was d-- queer! I went away meditating on the money question, and my reflections brought me to the conclusion, gentle­ men, that what the country needs is not an inflation of the currency, but an inflation of the collaterals!" Brighain Young'* Big Family. As a physiological fact, of the fifty six children born to Brigham Young, not one was halt, lame, or blind, all be­ ing perfect in body and of sound mind and intellect; no defects of mind or body save those general ones shared by humanity. The boys are a sound, healthy, industrious, and intelligent group of men, noted everywhere for their integrity and for the excellent care and attention bestowed upon their families. In short, the name Young is a syno- nyme of a good, kind, faithful husband. Among them are lawyers, merchants, a railroad king, a banker, an architect, a civil engineer, and a manufacturer. One of them is a colonel in the "United States army, while several have gradu­ ated from the Annaoolis Naval Sehool and from the Ann Arbor Law School. The girls are finely developed phys­ ically, quick and bright in intellect, high-spirited, and often talented, especially in a musical way. A few of them were beautiful girls, and are still handsome women. All are nice girls, kind in disposition, ^generous and social in their natures. In short, outside of one or two of either sex, they are a family that any man might well be proud to call his own. This is given by way of argument, not boasting.--Susan Young Gates, in North American Review. MISTRESS, (kindly)--Jane, I hear yon have been seen in the park with my husband. Jane (defiantly)--Yes, ma'am; I have. Mistress (still more kindly)-- Well, Jane, you are a good girl, and I dislike to lose you, but-1 cannot have any one about the house Who keeps bad company. So you can pack up." IS THKBE A MBWOSAL D£YIL? BM4 at Cpntral Mnaic Hall, cnle«(o, by •N IMItof of th« Arkanaaw Traveler. It is rather embarrassing for one to present a paper, either in censure or in commendation, of a personage of whom he knows nothing. Perhaps I am com­ mitting an error in thus, at the very outset, confessing a lack of acquaint­ ance with the subject in hand, but then I do not suppose that there is any one present who can give us exact information in proof of the existence of a personal devil. I mean that kind of devil whom we have been taught to believe stands in awfuf majesty and looks with su­ preme satisfaction at a furnace id which there writhes a man who had been so unfortunate as to become wealthy while here on earth. Of oourse there are numerous personal devils of the flesh and blood variety, and some of them doubtless live in Chicago and have dis­ tinguished themselves by opposing ele­ vated railroads; and others--though I must admit of a less harmful nature-- have done considerable sandbagging. But I am not here to deal with the flesh and blood devil, for his existence has so strong a proof that it has never been disputed, but with the devil of a time- worn creed. There was a time, not so very long ago either, when it was al­ most blasphemous to dispute the exist­ ence of witches. Old women were burned under the solemn sanction of grave and pretendedly-wise judges. The belief in witches was a part of the personal devil idea, yet is there a min­ ister of the Gospel who would to-day declare that he believes in witches? What would you think of a presumably- intelligent man who should tell you that he believed in the power of a cer­ tain old woman to make the cows go dty, and compel the sheep to walk on their hind legs until they wore them­ selves out? Would you not regard him as an iinsafe man to turn loose in a community if he were to declare that the old woman could by simply point­ ing her finger at you cause all your hair to fall off? Of course you would, yet this belief was strongly maintained. By men who did not recognize the existence of a personal devil? Oh, no; by those who did believe in him. Had there never been in the breast of the human family a superstitious fear, a dread of some awful evil, there would never have been a belief in a pevsonal devil. The philosophy of creation teaches the absolute need of a God, but there is no philosophy that teaches the need of a devil. The existence of a creator is wholly independent of the ex­ istence of a destroyer, but there are f>eople who tell us that unless we be-ieve iij a personal devil we cannot be­ lieve in a personal God. The argument that urges that we must believe in an embodiment of hate in order that we may worship an imbodiment of love, is very weak indeed. Tell a little child the story of Christ, and his eyes glow with love and tenderness,and if ever the light of Heaven falls upon earth it is the light that illumines his smiles Tell him. of the devil and with the counten­ ance of fright, he draws nearer, foarful that some great harm is about to befall him. Must that little child believe in a personal devil in order to believe in Christ ? Yet, dispute the existence of a personal devil and a voice from an un- progressive pulpit cries out, "You are an infidel." The personal devil does not firi home among the c ushioned pews and soft carpets of the church where the great orator entrances an enlightened congregation with his learning and elo­ quence--the throne of the personal devil is the slab-board bench of the backwoods meeting-house. The per­ sonal devil is a threatening shadow, lurking in the dark corner of human ignorance, and when a beam from the eiectric light of reason falls upon it, the shadow vanishes and we find nothing but the accumulated dust of ages and ages of superstitition. The newspaper and the telegraph wire have been great enemies of the deviL They have cost him many votes --they have carried the primaries againt him, although I must admit that they have sometimes elected a pretty bad man in his place. The head-light of the railroad engine has scared the devil out of many a dark and gruesome valley--has deprived him of many a neighborhood where he was wont to eaper in glee and pop his flinty hoofs together. For years and years he was fed by the camp-meeting exhorter, away off among the hills where screech owl roosted in the water-mill, but along came the railroad train with its cargo of intelli­ gence and robbed him of his sequest­ ered kingdom. The old exhorter was deeply grieved at the thought of losing the source of his own great power over the people, and if he could have sold his farm just at that time I don't know but that he would have gone with his old friend. Some time ago, while working on a Southern newspaper, I was sent down into a swamp neighborhood to investi gate a rumor to the effect that the devil had broken loose. No, it was not a political disturbance. It was declared by the negroes that the devil--the old personal fellow himself--had made his appearance in the community. He first made himself known by leaping over the fence into the county road, snatch­ ing up a horse that belonged to a highly- respected citizen and pulling the ani­ mal in two. This action on the part of the devil raised a just cry of indigna­ tion, and the Governor, a good Demo­ crat that year, was called upon for as­ sistance. The Governor declared that he could not take action in the matter, doubtless determined to wait until he found out how the devil stood politically, and therefore did nothing. The next occasion of the old man's introduction was at a hog-killing. He seized a shoat, knocked down a justice of the peace with it, swallowed a chunk of fire and then went shouting through the woods. Shortly after reaching the neighbor­ hood. I learned that all the reports could be traced to an old negro preacher, an old fellow who was re­ garded with extreme veneration. I called on him and found him in the woods engaged in prayer. "I have been told," said I, that you could give me some information con­ cerning the devil that is now airing him­ self in this neighborhood." "Ah, Lawd, chile, I does hope an pray dat fou. won't talk ter me on dat sub- jeck. It's er awful time we's habin down yere, an' lessen dar's some mighty tall prayin' somebody gwine ter git hurt powerful." "Have you seen the devil?" I asked. "I wush you wouldn't put me in de mine o' anything so awful." "But have you seen him?" "Cose I has. Whut you come footin' , wid me dat way fur? How I gwine ter know so much erbout him el I ain't dun seed him?" j "What does he look like?" , "I ain't got time ter tell yon whut he I do look like. sah. Da's so much erbout 'A V,, - him tes tell I wouldn't, tike ter un­ dertake the job. Monstus. ' sah; oh, he was monst'us," "Now, look here, old man, you are too intelligent to believe in such non­ sense. You know that no dtevil has been seen; you know that you started the re­ port yourself.'*" "Look yere,' sah," he exclaimM, turn­ ing wrathfully upon me, "whut you mean by comin' down yere a-foolin' an* a meddlin' wid our 'ligious affairs? Ain't you got no bizness ter tend ter at home? Doan you know dat you got ter keep de devil constantly befo' dese nig­ gers or da ain't gwine do-no good' Whar I preached last year I got up an' tole 'em dat I didn't bl'ebe dat dar wuz any devil, an' whut did da do? Da cut down7 my salary, dat's whut da done. Yas, cut down my salary, an' den didn' gib me but half o' de cut-down. An', stead o' takin' off dar hats when da met me in de road like da uster do, da'd laugh at me an' call me old knock- kneed Ben. So when I come ober yere I 'lowed ter myse'f, I ̂ did, dat I wuz gwine ter use diffunrt tactics, an' I has. W'y, sah, ef you take de devil outen 'ligion, de nigger preacher would starve ter death, so go on away, now, an' quit foolin' wid er bizness dat you ain't got no intrust in." In dealing with this question there can be no serious argument. It must be simply an appeal to reason. A Clever Woman's Ruse. "Women are smarter than men every time," said the manager of a large tour­ ist excursion business in an argument over the respective qualities of the sexes, "and I can tell you a little story to back my statement that I think is a clincher. When I was in Chicago some years ago an elderly lady came into my office one day and asked me to prepare a trip to the continent for her husband and herself. I set to work on the fol­ lowing morning unci had just about fin­ ished the schedule when a man came rushing in, introduced himself as the husband of my previous day's caller and told me to stop my work. He said he did not want to go to Europe, and he wouldn't go, and he would be blessed if his wife was going, either. He notified me also that he held the family purse-strings and then departed. "I threw the schedule away with » mild objurgatory remark about female ways and started in on something else. Half an hour later in eame the lady and said that I was not to bother with what her husband said. She told me that the trip was going to be made, and that he was going with her, and that when she made up her mind to do any­ thing she generally did it. She left a hundred dollar guarantee with me- to finish up the itinerary and I went ahead. "When the starting day came around the husband walked in to Bee me, paid up like a little man and went away with his tickets, but he offered no ex­ planation as to his change of mind. In the fall of that year I met the couple on the s^amer coming home, and one night over our cigars the hus­ band told me the story of how his wife persuaded him to take the trip. -" 'She didn't say a word to me on the subject,' said he, 'after the day 1 called on you to countermand her orders, and I swelled with pride to think how easily I had knocked the idea out of her head. On the Sunday morning be­ fore I called on you again we went to church as usual, and after the sermon, and just as I was preparing my mind for dinner; {he pastor nearly Eituiined me by announcing that my Wife and I were to start for Europe in a few days, and that we wished the prayers of the congregation. All eyss were turned on our pew at once, and everybody joined in the requested prayer. What could I do but look thankful ? I had a bad fif­ teen minutes' walking home, and I didn't enjoy dinner a bit; but the funny side of the affair struck me in the after­ noon, and before long I was congratu­ lating my wife .on her cleverness and looking forward with interest to the journey myself.'"--New York Times. Mess-Covered Towns. On first entering "the South" the observant Northerner is struck with nothing so much as with the strange appearance of nearly every tree his eye may rest upon, says a correspondent. While the forestry of Northern Florida and lower Mississippi is as varied as man ean conceive, and naturally totally unlike that of the Middle States, there is something bordering on the monoton­ ous in the unanimity with which nearly every tree along the gulf coast is covered with swaying festoona ofa most peculiar growth of never-dying moss. It is probably more plentiful in the ever­ glades of Florida, but from that coun­ try north to Georgia and west of Louis­ iana one rarely sees a tree unadorned with this singular formation. Even the towns themselves along the coast are moss-covered. In Biloxi, for in­ stance, older by 200 years than the city of New Orleans, roofs covering the low, squatty, wide-porched, plantation-look­ ing houses fronting the little narrow lanes called streets and avenues by courtesy are not in style unless covered with a coating of the thick green moss which in warm countries invariably at taches itself to wood that has outlived its usefulness. The natives seem to look on this hanging moss as oi^ of the attractions of a country which is yearly finding in­ creased favor in the eyes of Northern people as a winter resort, and the. ten­ derfoot has but to mention the freak of nature in order to bring out any num­ ber of stories concerning it. Their character and probability depend largely on the veracity of the relator. First impressions are apt to vary with each visitor. One old lady, a hotel proprietor asserts, recently examined one of these nature-trimmed trees closely for several days, and from all possible points of observation, before she finally expressed her astonishment that so much trouble should have been taken to trim up and drape the trees just to make it pleasant for her! Expansion and Contraction. Pillsburv called one morning at the house where the freaks boarded. He rang the bell and the giant oame to the door." "I want to see the dwarf," Pillsbury said. "Fm the dwarf," replied the giant. "You," cried Pillsbury, in amaze­ ment. "Yes," replied the gianft. "They let me out in the forenoon." : Why She Laughed. She--You must be very witty. He--What makes you think so? "Because when you were talking with that lady over there a while ago she laughed incessantly." "It was not what I said that made her laugh." "Why, then, did she laugh?" "To show her teeth. fine teeth." The IfMr Yalue of a Look. The pretty maid whose face was her fortune shares her luck with more peo­ ple than she imagines. Is beauty then so common ? No, pretty mail, enjoy that first and most satisfactory distinc­ tion in all certainty that it n^ill be al­ ways the rarest as well as the most de­ lightful of human advantages; but lis­ ten to some facts about the laces wliich, though not at all beautiful, are as good to their owners as a considerable sum invested in gilt-edged securities. My attention was first called to this by my room-mate at college. He was k youth of very moderate intellectual en­ dowments, and, moreover, given to the pursuit of certain athletic sports, which crowded the minor cares of classics and mathematics to the wall. However, his success in the recitation-room was so great that only his most intimate friends ever suspected that he was not the most distinguished genius of the whole fifty or more in the class. "How do you do it?" I asked one day. "Will you prom­ ise, if I let you in, not to do it your­ self?" he responded. When I had sworn not to infringe upon his system, he explained: "You see Prof. Blank is always looking out for the fellows that don't know anything of what he is talk- iog about and coming down on them with a perfect poser. When they flunk, he is as pleased as if the trustees had doubled his salary. So in his classes I always look as intelligent as possible--this way." And he illumi­ nated his face with a look which an actor might have envied. "Of course he thinks he can't get me on that,and the question goes along to some man who knows twice as much, but whose face belies him. On the rare occasions when I do know something, I look like this" --he wrinkled his brow into a slightly puzzled expression --"and he » down on me in an instant. Prof. Dash's am­ bition is just the other way. He wants, in his blessed good nature, U give everybody a chance to shine; so for him I reverse the expressions, and look in­ telligent when I know something and despairing when I don't. In this way I make my little learning far from a dan­ gerous thing. See?" Another man who made his talent serve him well was the paying teller of •• certain bank. In private life ha» ex­ pression was ordinarily good-natured; but, once behind his window in the bank, he put on aforbidding look which made depositors think twice'before they went to ^et money. No false claimant, check-raiser or forger would dare pre­ sent himself at that opening, and only rarely did even the most solid of cus­ tomers venture to suggest that he would like the privilege of temporarily over­ drawing his account. It took a clean financial consciousness to> face that teller, and only the happy consciousness of a big balance could nerve-a man per­ sonally to present a check large enough toearry him through the day. Strangely enough, when the e'erk would take the Teceiving teller's place for a few clays, in the vacation season or when illnesa- reduced the working.force; his face as­ sumed so delightful an expression, ol good-will that no patron could resist ths pleasure of depositing as frequently ae possible. The sum he saved the bank by encouraging deposits and discourag­ ing withdrawals can never be-estimatedL --Mate Field's Washington.. Strange Freaks of Nature. One of the most remarkable freaks- of nature ever known can be found near Vancouver, B. C., in an Indian settle­ ment. The strange being is called Joe, and it is difficult to tell whether the ani­ mal is a bear or an Indiau. This un­ couth being is of prodigious size and strength, with limbs well formed; ex­ cept that the ankles turn out, giving the feet the appearance of paws. The face- and head is shaped very nearly like that of a grizzly bear. He never sits oi stands like a man, but when at rest set- tles upon his haunches like a bear.. When in motion he walks on all fours with, the peculiar, sidelong, awkward motion of a bear. When enraged he seizes the object of his wrath iu a deathlike hug. Thus far he is to all intents and. pur­ poses a bear. But his parents are Indians,, his-as­ sociates are Indians, he loves red blan­ kets and Indian trinkets, he drinks whisky like an Indian and his food is Iudian food. Joe is well known, in British Columbia and: Washington State. Every year he- goes with the other Indians to the Puana Valley and the Snake and Columbia Rivers in the hop-picking season and proves himseli to be the best hoppickes of the- tribe. He is a familiar object in the- towns ol that section and attracts- great curiosity, but no one has ever yet been able- to de? fine his exact position in the kingdom. " . \ The ProoL "Miles," said a white- man,, speaking to a negro working for him, "I under­ stand that you have been stealing iaj chickens." 'Who come tellin' dat, sah?" 'A number of the hands of the plan* tation have told me so." 'Wall, but what righ* da got ter come roun' talkin' about er man?" " " I don't knew about that, but they tell me you are the thief." "Wall, sail, I's got ter hab bcttei proof den dat 'fo' I blebes I stole dam chickens." "You want better proof, do you?" "Yes, sah, got ter hab it 'fo' I blebes the story;*' "Well,, if you want any better proof, let me say that I saw you stoal the ohickens." "Look yere, you defen mean ter say dat you saw me?" "Yea I do." "Wall, den, ef you saw me, I reck* ons Ps de man. Dis shows de streugth o' my character sah. I doan neber want ter give up lessen I has de proof."-- Arkansaiv Traveler. A Persistent Wmct. One of the few books that were read with pleasure by youth, one hundred years ago, was "Banford and M»,Tton." Its author, Thomas Day, was a devoted friend of the colonies during the Ameri­ can war, and espoused their cause in iiis poems. He was an "original," distin­ guished by that inconsistency between theory and practice which generally marks an eccentric person. He went into society, but disregarded the "minor morals," such as combing his hair and making himself presentable. Professing to think that love had been a great curse to mankind, he continually announced his determination never to many. And yet--in spite of this reso­ lution--he offered his hand to three ladies, each of whom declined the honor. To one of them he sent a long letter, in which he expressed his affection, asked her to marry him, and detailed to her the duties of a wife. As Mrs. Day she was to be satisfied with her hus­ band's society, and to exclude herseli from tbe company of men and women. The lady replied that the details we^e too numerous and onerous. In three weeks' time he offered him­ self again---to the sister of the woman who had rejected him. She imposed conditions before she would answer yes" or "no," She would marry no man who could not fence, dance, noi ride. As Mr. Day had none of these accomplishments, and had derided them as unbecoming manliness, he was in » strait betwixt consistency and tbe lady'g hand. He sacrificed bis> consistency, went to Paris, took lessons in the three accom­ plishments, and returned to England. The lady laughed at hiis fencing, danc­ ing and horsemanship, and told him she liked him best as he was before. But Day's spirit was up--he deter­ mined to marry some one. He, there­ fore, selected two orphan girls from an asylum, with the view of educating them both, and then selecting the fit­ test one for his wife. In order to cultivate their fortitude-,, he used to drop hot sealing-wax on their bare arms, and fire off pistols, loaded, only with gunpowder, at their petti­ coats. One of the two girls would cry out with pain or alarm, and' she, there­ fore, was ruled out of the competition.. The other, though she showed fortitude- by her silence, would wear a certain kind of sleeve and handkerchief then in fashion, but which Mr. Day disliked.. She also was dismissed. At last he found a wife, a lady of large fortune, who conformed to his whims; and believed him to be a great man. He appropriated her fortune, a thing he- despised in theory, and lived happily with her, until he was killed by being thrown from a colt he was training ac­ cording to a method of his own. His widow took to her bed, and died two yeara later. "Battle His Bones." A reporter was standing in the bag­ gage room at the depot the other day, ob*&rviug the great variety of packages that were standing about the room. T here was every sort of baggage, from the small hand satchel the big.com­ mercial packing case, and a long, mys­ terious looking chest. *1 suppose, if you only knew it, you sometimes get very strange baggage?" said he, speaking to one of tbe bag­ gagemen. "You may have a dead man msome of those big boxes." "I presume we do occasionally havie somebaggage we ifrould object to if we only knew it," he replied. "Once in a while we get some emigrant baggage that has been for weeks in the steerage of a vessel, and we find the flavor of it very rich. The smell of some of it would justify the suspicion of all the crimes in the calendar." "Did you ever discover anything very peculiar among your packages?" " Well, I should say so. I remem- bor one time, about twelve years ago, whett we had a decided sensation here. There was a big square box unloaded from the train, and as it was not imme­ diately called for, it was ordered to the back part of the room. The box was clumsy and lop-sided, much heavier on one aide than the other; and the man who grappled with it was possessed oi a good deal of energy. When he had, rolled it nearly across the room one of the sides gave way and out rolled a hu­ man skull and about a bushel of bones a»d other debris. It wap a mighty tough-looking mess, and the fellow who had been handling it lit out as if he- had opened a barrel of rattlesnakes. The police authorities were imme­ diately notified, and upon investigation it was found that besides the human remains the box also contained a tomb­ stone with the name and age of the de­ ceased, and an epitaph inscribed upon it. "While all hands were deliberating over the matter a man came in and claimed the box. He claimed that the contents of the box wore the remains oi a near relative of his, who had died a couple of years before in Pennsylvania, and that now he was transporting them to his new home in the northern part of the State. For the sake of economy and convenience, he had' put the whole business in one home-made box. "The box was speedily repaired and went on to its final destination."-- Grand Rapids Telegram-HeraM. Alpine Funerals. A clew to the origin of the Irish wake and other funeral pomposities may be found in the funeral customs of some of the Alpine regions. The circle of ac­ quaintance of the more prosperous peo pie of the villages often extends over miles of country; and the friends of ^ deceased proprietor will make long \ itVwhick cause«l iTto"efferves"ce like journeys to attend his funeral. The seidlitz powder." dictates of hospitality require that their physical wants be provided for, or, He Was In For It. The phosphate beds produce lots ol funny instances. A tall, lank Cracker, entered a chemist's office the other day, with a handkerchief full of rock and sand and in a husky and excited whis­ per said: "Mister, be you alone-?*1 "Yes sir." "Can I look this door?" "Yes, if you wish to." After locking the door and seeing that nobody was hiding anywhere, the visitor slowly undid his handkerchief and handed some rocks to the chemist for his inspection and asked: What do you think of that?" ' The chemist carefully examined it and said: "I do not think much of it," at the same time pouring some acid on if not, they will meet at the inn and naturally have something very like a feast. In some districts, even before death occurs and the patient is in his last agonies, all around are informed of the fact, and expected to make a cere­ monial last visit. They enter the sick room, take a look at the dying man, and go their ways. After death, when the body has been prepared for burial, a table is spread, covered with refresh­ ments, and open house is held till the funeral. _ THE man who swears off is gloomy for a while, bnt it is not long until he e has very begins ,to smile again.--Boston Cou­ rier. Cracker--What does that show?" Chemist--That shows it is a first- class sample- of lime, with no bone phosphate in it." , Cracker--Boss, are von sure about that stuff?" "Chemist--Yes, very sure." Cracker (With a long drawn breath) --Well, I've married a widder vitha hill plumb full of that stuff, an' I thought it was phosphate. I'm - in fer it, ain't I? Good-bye,"--Colorado Journal. WHEN a poor man is laboring under a slight aberration of mind his family do the best they can for him at home, but if he be wealthy they pack him off to a lunatio asylum as quickly as possible. STUFF ASP KQBFWHWR DUCKS are a good deal like broken. They live on margins. ,v. - ADVICE to an immoderate drinkey""'»' "shake" the bottle before taking. ,.t; LOVE may be blind, but he knows when the parlor lamp is too high. SPOONBILL--I'm proud of my growing mustache. Miss Pert -- That me. A CHICAGO barber says a nzor gats tired and discouraged sometimes. No wonder; it is "strapped" so often. SHE (tragically)--Take back the heart that thou gavest. He--Never mind the heart--just fork over that dia­ mond ring. o MISSOURI Woman (in Utah groeery) --Have you any paw-paws? New Boy (Mormon)--Only one; but I've got plenty of maw-maws. A HELPFUL Audience.--Miss Hysoe-- I was encored three times, wasnrt I? Mme. Logee--Yes;the company seemed to recognize that you needed practice. A YOUNG woman began a song, "Ten Thousand Leaves Are Falling." She pictched it too high, screeched, and stopped. "Start her at 5,000," cried an auctioneer. MABEL--Did roti hear that Bessie Willis was married yesterday to Tom Guzzler? Maud--Really? I thought Bhe would be the last person to marry him. Mabel--Well, she was, wasn't she? -v. CUSTOMER--I cant pay 2 cents for a- handful of kindling. Corner Grocer-"- If you're not particular yon might use clothes pins at 5 cents a peck. They're the only thing that comes cheaper than kindling. MBS. FIGG--Is Mr. Peck at the- lodge this evening? Mrs. N. Peck--No; he'e down town getting drunk. I always let bim have this day for his own enjoy­ ment. It's our wedding anniversary, you know. B-UTLEK--Mr. Timkins is below,, sir: shall I tell him you are out? Mr. Jones --Yes! (Aside) I wish I could see him to-morrow. Butler (to Mr. Timkins)-- Mr.. Jones is out, sir; but says he-would like to- see you t6-morrow. A Gooo> Peace-Maker.--Mamma (tc Tommy)--I'm sorry that you and yor sister quarrelled over that orange an>. that James had to interfere. Whose part dad he take? Tommy--Whoee part!' He- took the whole orange. KEEPER ofi Fish Market--You don'I patronize- my shop now, Mr. Hollis' Hollis---No, my wife said she didn't like the fish I caught, and so I'm trying my hand at hunting. I am quite a good oustomer of your friend, Mr. Bird. "I'M really ctolijghted to meet jou, Mrs. Bronson,.and how is Mr. Bronson ?" "Very well, indeed." "Does he snore as -loud as- he used to?" "Madam?" "Oh, don't get angry. I was his wife by his first marriage, and loved him well. We were divorced in 1877." TH$ Effect of the Divorce System.-f- Mrs. Upperten--I hear that wedding- presents are going out 6f fashion this year. Mrs.. Detrow (from Chicago)-- Oh, yes, they are getting to be so com- moil. One tires of getting the same kind of things over and over again. A YOUNG minister, not long since,, sup­ plied a.pulpit for one Sabbath in. a thriving manufacturing town east of the Hudson. Hb was the guest of a deacon, and as they walked together after the morning service, the deacon said: "Perhaps you do not know that yon preached to eighteen millions of dollars to-day!" "No," said the minister, **J did not; but you will go to hell, all the same, unless you repent." "FUNNY thing atone of the hospitals last month," said an undertaker. "What was it?" "Oh, a doctor who loves tc see his name in print had a long ac­ count of: a delicate surgical operation he had performed--removing a tumor, ] believe. The whole thing was minutely described, and the doctor was praised highly. But no mention was made o) the fact that my Bervices were required, for the-patient died the next day. An; one reading the item would have sup­ posed that the sufferer had been - re­ stored, to perfect health." A Brave Brakeman. ,. A thrilling episode of frontier raft? roading comes from the Denver and Bio Grande roadi,. in which Bob Mur- tie, a brakeman „ is the hero. The regular freight from Oro to Denver pulled out and puffed along the wind­ ing banks of the Roaring Forks until Tennessee- Pass, with its tortuous stretch, was reaobed. At this point an extra locomotive, known as a "helper," was to have been linked between the caboose and the last of the freight cars. The caboose- was accordingly detached and put aside for the admission of the second locomotive. While this was be­ ing done a mountain breeze began to whistle and the caboose started down grade. Bob, the brakeman, promptly mounted the runaway with the skill of an equestrian and put down the brake. Bnt the brake-be&m almost instantly broke, leaving him and the runaway caboose to the mercy of the grade. With eaoh link it gathered speed until it shot down with the fury of an avalanche. Bob clung on to the brake- wheel , there was nothing else for him to do. Another five miles passed, when Bob saw ahead of him a mass of snow on the track. He hardly saw it before the caboose struck it, and Bob want skyward, coming down like the tail of a rocket in a great snow-bank. Digging his way out, he hurried to the car to find it on fire. Several buckets' of snow quenched the flames, and relighting the lantern, Bob hoistod the danger signal just in time to keep the engine that had started back from plunging into the •wreck of 'the caboose. Bob's injuries were confined to an abrasion on his cheek, but he got a scare that will last him a lifetime. > The Main Point. A boy, particularly when he is small,1* is not given to sophistry; he has a charmingly frank way of disentangling a subject from quips and quibbles and coming directly to the main point. A small boy had a dog that was rough, as most small boys' dogs are, a%d a young girl who lived next door had a kitten, sly as all cats are. One day the boy came nonchalantly into the girl's presence, and after some desultory conversation he said: "You know my dog Barca and your, cat Darling?" "Yes." "Weil, my dog had » piece of meat, and he thought your cat was going to take it away from him." "Thought!" exclaimed the wise little girl. "What make? you sav that the dog thought ? You know dogs don't think-- they instinct." "Well, said the boy, "I don't care whether he thought it or instinct it, but anyhow he killed your cat." WHISKY is said to improve with age, bnt age doesn't improve with whisky. - '±:<j ••h y