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carter IVAN SLYKfe, Editor and PuWfclw. jLXJHOfB. LIVING OR DEAD. IMnr long will vou love mesa *arn> «> BOwf miM ->•• •»» hM will your heart be as true* 1®.^ 'WfeM tfeMUMM of age are set on my brow, • i#f WlllttiN not bfl b change In you ? , Hit W1*. my darling, time cannot mtr f ^ j'. dream, of thy N»ant i«'e, just as they are. *P>Tj % M tbc MOOT* trill dspsrt (ram tbts oheok, of ;i! i^v- mine, y > 1to<« hands tooome wrinkled and (rail. .f ' OMi thf Hcht of those eves will c«ase to thine-- Ma.y>x> them your loving will fail. ••Bi]ghl if a captivo at beauty's bands ' x'.'!».it .? know it has ot her bands. | ,Yi"f 'thi iriuaic you hew in my voice to-dsy "v;* Will aot be so cl«>ar when I'm old. will you think when my ringlets grow ^ * RTftV-- f f Ton remember yon called them gold? % : - -iCvten than my love will keep Toung and whole, rV *'BJsr the wine it drinks will flow from thy soul I most with tears in his eyes th is no Sacrifice which he wouldl i*|**ake ,|o give each of us a study to himself. 7/Vud he believes it. Further, he be­ lieves that he himself is competent tb teach modern languages " * 'And mathematics," put in the mathematical master, snappishly. "And classics," added the gray- headed, broken-down old classical master in a weary voice. •'Whereas," continued Vane, "he Js not competent to do anything ex­ cept to keep accounts, humoug parents and sell soup and vegetables. Look at the way parents are hum­ bugged by those beautiful letters, *M. A.' This may belong to a scholar or to a fraud. In this case they be­ long to a fraud, because I've taken the trouble to look Archibald Bunby up in the calendar. lie got his B. A. degree by taking the lowest possible Botany Special (why, he doesn't even , pretend to teach botany!) and thelow- t sfwisUme, you know, this poor heart wiu est possible General; and he got his t>y the other boy* lat as I had not him with the ewfcfcF! beat * the music of Hfe no mora, *--1 tb«w you'll forget how we used to i&Mt M. la tho hope-tinted ilavs of yore. May, but I'll follow to thy limine divine, That, Jiving or dead, thou wilt still be mine. ---{Some Journal. DETECTED CULPRITS jfo'J, ' Archibald Bunby, M. A., the prrh- «pal of Redhurst, had very decided views on the subject of French mas- |!K;::ters. "If I may speak," he would Vr 7 say solemnly, with a boy-reproving k/y \ look in his eye, "from some twenty S ' ̂ 'ycjirs" experience, I should say that ^^:iV the most perfect French master which ' can be procured from the scholastic &%•<*""lagent is an Englishman who has . 'if ^perit the greater part of his life • , iabroad. The ordinary Frenchman has JiV7 *K> discipline; the ordinary English- ^fnan has a bad accent. This general- impressed, as it was intended to Impress, the parent who heard it. Mr. Bunby was peculiarly skillful inman- ^ v "> >ging parents. "And. have you suc- Jv" v* - ceeih'd in securing such a man?" the fo".V,jarent would ask. have--with some difficulty I confess--but I have done it. Our French master here is Paul Vane, i,who spent twenty years of his life in JParis. He is a fair cricketer, an 4s" ," ' ^earnest Evangelical Churchman, a - mon-smoker, and a disciplinarian, and It 'the speaks three languages to perfec- ' jfcion. He had, of course, brilliant of- ' sffers from our great public schools, but c -il don't think he will leave me. He r - «has been here for three years, and I r'; j. ,; ^ *may say that his value to*me is in- ' -^calculable." *e , Although Archibald Bunby stated ^7. that Vane's value was incalculable, it bad been necessary for business pur- 4,'r ) to fix it at something, and he jyC\ ihad fixed it at £90 a year, with board >an<i residence. Vane had shrugged j£-V *»bis shoulders and accepted the terms. JWhen at the age of 22 he had found Shimself, somewhat unexpectedly, compelled to do something, at least •temporarily, for a living, he had placed himself in the hands of some ^scholastic agents. They had sent ihim from time to time particulars of vracant posts, in blue ink on thin Tijaper, and from a careful perusal of '&ipy f|S'7 iss?* ,v.;7 1^7/ 4omc thirty of these notices Vane had «come to the conclusion that an Eng- <!lsh teacher of French with no ex­ perience might have to wait some f&ime before he got anything better n Mr. Bunby's offer. Mr. Bunby his sterling qualities--he was of talking about his ster- ineluded the business- paving more than ssary for an ar- were simply •tide ««articl M '*' from scho' his boots . and in both cases, i 30t lit or get worn otrjf h it, by another. He spoke iiiigrhly of Paul V^ne when^Mppras *tartting to a parent than he duPwhen '%e was talking to Vane himself; and 4he friends of Paul Vane's early youth would have been somewhat surprised if they had heard him described as an ^ Evangelical churchman and a non- smoker. These were, however, •virtues which Archibald Bunby had !?thrust upon him and compelled him accept at the close of his rery first ered th "^Interview with him. *•1 do not want," he had said, ner- _ _ _ ; ^vously stroking .his unpleasant red falter to perfection, and at any mo- M. A. degree, of course, simply by paying for it, and without being re­ quired to pass any furthur examina­ tion. I know plenty of boys of 15 who could do better--as far as exam­ inations are concerned--than the Plain Bun ever did. We know this, but the poor humbugged parents don't know it--as a rule. That igno- ramous bears the same title as a man who has taken high honors--your­ self for instance, Linton." "Don't speak of it," said Linton, the old classical master, sadly. "I did well in my youth, but I'Ve been a mistake ever since. Iv'e taught boys ever since--couldn't afford to do anything else--and I hate theml" Yes, you have hard luck, but I would sooner be you than be that arch-humbug Bunby. He makes us humbugs as well by his idiotic regu­ lations. What is the use of trying to prevent us from smoking? You, Bradby, go over to Guilford almost every half holiday, and what do you do when you get there?" "I smoke," said the snappish red­ headed little mathmatician. "I smoke, and I drink, and I play the marker at the Green Lion, as you know perfectly well. The Plain Bun says I go there to see relations, damn him!" "And what do you do, Linton, about smoking?" "You know, I don't want to be dishonest, but it's the one consolation I've got, and I only do it once a week. I walk far away every Sunday after­ noon over the common, and I smoke two pipes." "And I," Vane went on, "am worse than either of you, for I smoke my pipe in the big shrubbery at the far end of the garden every single night that I am here. We are three humbugs, manufactured by the arch- humbug " At this moment there was a knock at the door, and the school butler pre­ sented himself. "Mr. Bunby's com­ pliments, and he would be glad to speak to Mr. Vane, if convenient to him, at once in his study." "Down in a minute," said Vane. "I hope he won't want me for long," he added to the others when the but­ ler had disappeared. "I must ex­ plain to him that he's keeping me from my pipe." "Do, remarked Bradby grimly. "He won't keep you after that." Mr. Bunby's study was very different to the common sitting-room of his as­ sistant masters. It was much larger and loftier. It was not tastefully furnished, because Mr. Bunby did not ~ in to have any taste, but the >was soft and thick, there were luxurious easy-chairs, and one elaborate and ingenious writ- ks to aid Mr. Bunby in the of scholarship. When Vane tered the first thing he noticed was a sheet of ^rumpled white paper spread out in the center of the cen­ tral table, under the.glare of the gas, while in the center of this sheet lay in all their naked hideousness two large cigars. They formed a kind of axis around which Mr. Bunby slowly revolved, clutching occasionally at his red beard as if in a spasm of in­ dignation, or gazing at those two large cigars as if they had broken his heart. "Vane," be faltered--like most principals he' could make his voice beard, "to inquire what your relig- Vjt" , lows views are. My own views happen i, Tto be strictly Evangelical, and those y< *re the views of the greater number -of the parents or my boys. However, this respect I have no right to - limit you. I must simply insist on your attending service twice every ^ ! Sunday at our little iron church." It * >7, ? may be remarked in passing, that tin !<>dhurches, like tinned salmon, are not V'T generally as good as the other kind. "And lastly," Mr. Bunby said, "comes Vl^7 f>he most important point of all. r,' While you are with me, Mr. Vane, p £/ .-you must be content to be a non- Li/' , smoker. If my establishment were gjSiV. .-arerely a preparatory school for little <j# v 'boys I should say nothing about it; jf|| . %ut I have an army class--young fel- pf 'lows on the verge of manhood--and with them example is everything. How can you tell them, as I shall ex­ it; ^ " pect you to tell them, that smoking ^ \ is a filthy, dishonorable, and extrava- rv. v gant habit if they suspect that you $ yourself smoke?" Paul Vane put up v , w with all this, but he did not like it, ^ 'nor bad he the same high opinion of ^ Archibald Bunby that Bunby had of ^ • Mm. But the brilliant offers which lie was supposed to have received from public schools existed only in Bunby's imagination. Perhaps the real reason why Vane remained at Bedhurst was because he had very 'Ctir prospects of soon relinquishing <"he profession altogether, and did not think it worth while to change for a abort period. He was a good fellow the whole, but it will be seen that 'he had his faults. It happened that one night Vane •was holding forth on the subject of Bunby in the master's sitting-room to fcia two colleagues, the classical and 4Uid mathematical masters. •"The Plain Bun"--this was the name by which Archibald Bunby was .generally styled--"is a fraud, the worst kind of a fraud--the kind that -deceives itself. He has the same re­ ligious views, social views, scholastic <wiewss as any parent with whom he feappens to be talking, and he hon-. cstly believes that it is all coinci- 4tence. He puts three of us in a HI ill mean sitting-room that has no Tijrigniye, ftPd tells me al- V ' j 'i ment--"look at theml look at them! "I see," said Vane, "cigars!" He might have added that^as far as one could judge from a casual glance, they were rather good cigars. "On my soul, Vane," said Bunby, "I feel almost inclined to stop all half-holidays for ever and ever." Vane had a horrible impulse to say "Amen!" but he resisted it, and Bunby went on. "This afternoon I went out for a walk alone, and I sup­ pose I had got about three miles away from Red hurst, when, Coming sud­ denly around a corner, I saw two of my army class, Stretton and Pjlbury, sitting on a gate under my very nose --my very nose, if you please--smok­ ing cigars." Mr. Bunby, who had paused in his course to say this, now began once more to revolve around the table in a slow agony. "Take a seat, Vane,"hecontinued. "They threw their cigars away di- Ingled finally serious a tion of over. Ho1j| I hope you think that I've done right, as I always try to do. I should like to hear your opinion." ,-Pau! Vane was furious. Stretton was a high-spirited young fellow, after Vane's heart--thoughtless enough, but witn nothing radically wrong ih him, and willing to do anything-- even to work hard--for a master who treated him fairly and sympathetic­ ally. Pilbury was two years older than Stretton, stupid and idle, and would never do any good. "If you want my real opinion," said Vane, "I think that arrangement is most unjust. You ruin Stretton by taking* away his character, and you let that thankless lout Pilbury go free. I do not think myself that you need expel either; but if you expel one you must expel both." Mr. Bunby vehemently objected that Vane was talking nonsense. Two expulsions meant a very serious loss to him. He had no wish to ruin Stretton's career, but Stretton should have thought of that before he pur­ chased those cigars. For feme time Vane argued hia point, but it was no use. Mr. Bunby might want to hear an opinion, but that did not mean that he had the. least intention of be­ ing influenced by it. "It's not a bit of good for you to talk, Vane. I've told Stretton he's to go, and he will go; and that's my last word. I'd do a good deal to oblige you, but I can't let such of­ fenses as that go unpunished. I don't think I need detain you, I'm only sorry that you can't look at it in the right spirit, the spirit to which I myself look at it." Vane said norhmg more just then; he hurried off to his bed-room to get his pipe and pouch, and then let him­ self out by the master's door into the garden. In the cencealment of the shrubbery, and over his first pipe, he vowed that if Bunby kept Pilbury and expelled Stretton he would him­ self send in his resigdation. But in the meantime the hand of destiny was at work. Archibald Bunby felt himself so shocked and distressed by all that had happened that he felt he owed»it to himself to take a little stimulant. He generally felt that he owed it to himself about this time of night and he generally paid the debt. The stimulant was gin and water, and when a man drinks gin and water from preference you may conjecture something about his character. The first glass did him very little good, but the second enabled him to forget his present worries and lose himself in memories. He meditated over his old days at Cambridge. He had al­ ways been a very careful man even when he was at college, but it had not been necessary for him to be quite as good an example then as now. He had, in fact, occasionally indulged himself with a little cheap dissipa­ tion. Gin was one of the factors of the dissipation; he remembered with sorrow that twice in those ungenerate days he had made himself a little drunk with gin. He had been a smoker, too. > He had smoked Manilla cheroots at threepence each and how he had enjoyed themf And how hard he had found it at first to break himself of the habit of smok­ ing! But he had done it. "A will of iron," Mr. Bunby murmured to himself, "a will of iron." And with due consideration for the worry and annoyance that Stretton and Pilbury had caused him, he mixed himself a third glass of gin and water. As he sipped it things began to appear more roseate, and he grew still more proud of himself. He remembered how he had given away all his smoking ma­ terials except the silver cigar-cutter which he wore at the end of his watch-chain. A girl tohom he had met in the race-week had given it to him together with her hand and heart. She had, however, married some one else. Still he felt a senti­ mental regard for the cigar-cutter. It must have been years since he had used it. Would it work now? But why ask that question, when there were no cigars on which to try it--ex­ cept those two on the table. He had forgotten them, and now be picked one of them up--merely to try the cig'ar-cutter. Why could not Stretton and Pilbury have shown a little of the firmness which always had characterized himself? He toqk another sip of the gin and water. It was not as if they had his temp­ tations. The principal of a private school, harassed and worried, might be tempted to try the solace of tobac­ co. Doctors would probably recom­ mend it in such a case. It did not do to disregard what the doctors said. Cigars which cost a shilling each would be very good cigars. If left about they might prove to be a temptation to the butler. He must put them away. In the meantime he took a longer sip at the glass by his side. Then he stared into the fireplace, and then he looked at the time. Everybody must have gone to bed. It was very hot in the house, and it would be delightfully cool in _• deceitHjpih bis jit is, anyt mm for |*as responSroll. IIis'%#i I should pass it j conduct,.Jt s< e;aed to him, was the natural result of Bunby's absurd reg. ulations. If he was a humbug, as he had called himself that evening, it was not he but Bunby that was re­ sponsible. »" On the following mornfag at the commencement of work Archibald Bunby and Paul Vane sat facing one another at opposite ends of the large classroom in which they both taught. Their respective classed Were down at their seats preparing work. Paul Vane was writing in pencil a few sentences which he was intending to put up presently on the blackboard to be turned into idiomatic French. Mr. Bunby was running through an' ode of Horace with the aid of a Globe translation which he kept carefully concealed. Throughout the room there prevailed that pin-dropping silence on which the principal of Redhurst prided himself. Then Paul Vane pushed back his chair, making sufficient noise to at­ tract Bunby's attention. He walked to the blackboard, and fixed it so that not only his own class but Mr. Bunby himself could see what was written on it. He paused a moment,'and- then wrote Up the sentence in a round, elegible hand. "1. Why do you not smoke?' Bie- cause it is an expensive and very dis­ gusting habit." ' Mr. Bunby's lips parted slightly and he kept his eyes fixed on the blackboard. The twa next sentences followed in quick succession. . . "2. We ought always tp set a good example to others." "3. Where were you last night? X was in the shrubbery at the end of the garden. But why did you go there?" This was altogether too much for Archibald Bunby. He did not know what might be coming next. He hurriedly penciled a few words on a scrap of paner, folded it up, and sent it across by one of his own class to Paul Vane. Vane read it with In­ ward glee, but with no outward sign of emotion. It ran as follows: "You can tell Stretton that I have forgiven him at your intercession.-- A. B." Vane slipped the note into, bis pocket, and added the next sentence to the blackboard. "4. I had gone to look for moths, which always fly by night." Mr. Bunby gave a sigh of relief,and called up his own class to construe their Horace. When morning school was over Vane sent a boy to fetch Stretton to him in the class-room, which was now avail­ able for a confidential interview, the boys being all outside in the play­ ground. "Stretton,** said Vane--and the triumph which he felt made him un­ usually magisterial in his manner-- "I was pained and surprised to hear from Mr. Bundy last night that he had found it necessary to expel you. Your work and behavior, as far as I have had an opportunity of judging them, had, however, up to this point, given me every satisfaction, and in consideration of that I asked Mr. Bundy, as a personal favor to myself, to overlook your offense. You will be pleased to hear 1}hat he has done so." "Thanks awfully, sir," said Stret­ ton. "I was fearfully cut up about it, but I thought you'd get me off, because " He paused in some em- boy?" asked Vane barrassment. "Why, my kindly. "Because, sir, you see I knew that you thought the same way as I did about smoking?" "How could you possibly kuo^r any­ thing <ff the kind?" >? • "Well, I can hardly say.* ' "But I insist." "TjJTell, sir, after the Plain !Bun--I mean, after Mr. Bunby had expelled me I didn't consider that I belonged to the school anymore, or that I need trouble about the rules. And Pilbury hadn't given up his cigars when I gave up mine. So I got one of Pil- bury's cigars last night, and let my­ self out through Wilkins' bed-room window. And I went down to the shrubbery to smoke it* and when I got there I saw " "Not another word," said Vane hurriedly, "not another word. I quite understand you. Of course I could explain everything to you, but I think it would be better simply to say nothing about it to any one." And Strettonj| thought /so, too.-- [Cornhill Magazine. rectly they saw me, but they were too shrubbery at the end of th© gar- 7<;?7 rfy* '5 fi f X' ' W- *8 •Vf '8> fo­ late. I simply asked them quite' ^en- calmly if they had any more, and Stretton, your favorite Stretton, whom you're always praising, pro­ duced from his pocket the two which you see here. He'd obviously been t intending to make a practice of iU I found out that they had paid no less than 1 shilling each for those cigars --a perfectly absurd price to pay for-- at least I should think so, but, of course, I don't pretend to know any­ thing about that. I told them to go straight back to Redhurst and that I would see them in my study when I returned." "And what have you done?" asked Vane. "Well, that was the difficulty. What was I to do? I couldn't let that kind of thing go on. It was absolutely necessary to make an example; and yet I couldn't afford to lose two pu­ pil!. Besides Pilbury has three brothers, all of whom ought to come here. I know you like Stretton, and think Pilbury's' going to the dogs; but I disagree with you. I think otherwise. So 1 told Stretton that for some time past I had not liked his tone at all, and that I should ask his father to remove him at the end of the week. I gave Pilbury a severe wamofl htm Suddenly he sprang from his seat, gulped down the remainder of his gin and water,- thrust the cigar which he had just snipped and a box of matches into his pocket, and rushed out into the garden. He tore down to the shrubbery as if there had been a train there which he was anxious to catch, and took up his position on a garden seat out of view of the house. Then slowly and deliberately he lit that ci­ gar and smoked it. What bliss-- what unholy bliss--it was! His bliss would have been consider­ ably less if he had known that about ten yards away frOm him Paul Vane was watching him with % joy so deep and overpowering that it threatened every moment to break ont into loud and intempestive laughter. Vane waited until Bunby had finished bis cigar and gone back to the house; then after a minute or two he himself returned, letting him­ self in at the masters' door by his latchkey. As he undressed that night he formed a very pretty and dramatic little plan, and chuckled bver it. "No, you wicked old hypo­ crite," he said to himself, "I don't think you'll expel Stretton--I don't much tKlnk you'll expel anybody." THE A1UZ0NA KICKER. OF REb INK CREATES A COMMOTION. Y Anent til* Mayoralty--Warning to Delln- flwnt HOb*erib»ri--The In*l<le Kwets Con- «*rain|t th* Trouble With Col. CtallUars-- l'oatio Genius Mot Original. Hlng s Hswipsiwr Ont West, HE scissors edi­ tor of the New York World has clipped the fol­ lowing interest­ ing items from the latest issue of the Arizona Kicker: 'WHY WE LAUGH: -rOne of the fun- n'test things that ever occurred in _ this town was pill led off in good shape Tuesday af­ ternoon. On Monday we got a keg of red ink from Chicago, being the first thing of the sort ever seen in this part of Arizona. Our esteemed contemporary down the street has had a great many things to bear fjrom us, and the red ink was the last straw. He sent us word that he in­ tended to shoot us on sight, but we'd forgotten about it when we started for the postoffice at 3 o'clock. As we passed Santa Fe alley we heard a pistol go off, followed by several s\ic- cessive reports, but as there was nothing unusual in a fusilade of that sort we kept on. It was not until we had entered the postoffice that Col. Irwin came running in to inform Us that we had been shot at. It seems that our esteemed con­ temporary ambushed us at the alley and fired his first .shot. Then he fol­ lowed on and plugged away five times more without our suspecting it, and finding he could not accomplish any­ thing he sat down and cried like a boy. When we understood the case we went back and offered to stand That Is, Bhe has fgf|pl poetry from standard poets an4 i$»ght it to us as original, and it MOeen published as such in the Kkler. On several oc­ casions we have suspected that all was not right, but we are kind- hearted and willing to give a poetess a show. Saturday morning she brought in a poem entitled "The Old Oaken Bucket." We thought we'd heard of it somewhere, but she as­ sured us that it was strictly original. She hadn't been gone half an hour when our literary editor, who also thought he'd heard of such a poem, found that our suspicions were cor­ rect. The poetess stole the whole thing. The Colonel happened to be passing by and we called him In and broke the news as gently as possible. He flew mad in a moment and attempted to draw on us. It turned out, how­ ever, that he had left his gun at home, and we held him Up against the wall and slit his right earand let him go. This is a plain and honest state­ ment of all the facts, and we chal­ lenge denial. Manners Show the Han. , American social life offers more varied and remarkable phases than that of any other country, because of the chance which each citizen has of rising from the lowest to the highest position, and because of the rapidity and frequency of such changes. A Senator, for example, whose parents had been uncultured and ig­ norant, but honest and respectable people, and who had been himself re­ ceived in foreign courts, ate with his knife until the day of his death, blew his food to cool it, ana embellished his conversation with many "Great. Scotts!" So common is the change in social position, that the lack of education in gentle manners is the most em­ barrassing difficulty which our people have to meet. The struggle, the hard work, the difficulty in the way of a man who is pushing upward are more easily met than the sharp pain of finding himself awkward and boorish in trivial details of conduct, when he is brought into the companionship of those who have, from childhood, been trained in the social graces. A poor widow who supported her family by doing chores in the houses of wealthy people Was surprised by a visitor lately while at dinner with her children. The table was* daintily laid, and the bo'ys and girls were obliged to ob­ serve all the forms which their moth­ er had seen in the houses of ber em­ ployers. "Why should they not be taught to behave as well as the rich boys and girls?" she said, without any air of making an apology. "And besides, they may be rich themselves some day. Who knows?" Few poor bovs In America have mothers so keen-sighted or so wise as was this poor woman; and the boys themselves forget, in their hurrv to acquire the money or position which will give them distinction, the im­ portance of acquiring the manners without which their distinction may be made ridiculous. A czar, or a saint, or a great poet might travel incognito around the world, his rank or merit undiscov­ ered. But a man cannot enter a car or eat an apple without betraying how just is his-claim to good broed- ing.--[Youth's Companion. Sat Under the digs. He was a real pretty young man and he was gotten up in the highest style of the art, says the Kansas City Globe. He sat in the cable-car, next to the stove, and regarded with evi­ dent adnfiratioh a pair of very posi­ tive, very loud-checked, and very new trousers, which he pulled up carefully at the knees to prevent any tendency to bagging. ' The crfr rattled and clattered along and all the passengers gazed into up­ ward vacancy, like all cable-car pass­ engers do. Finally a fair maiden who sat opposite the young man saw something and giggled, after the fashion of her kind. Then she looked at the nice young man and giggled again, then she nudged her fair com­ panion, and the fair companion gazed ®^er, across the car, looked at young man, two hundred subscribers on our books and giggled. A small boy followed who are owing us for two years' sub-1 their looks, stared at something over "POOR OLD DADDY." against the wall and let him pop away for half a day, but he went off in a petulant spirit without even thank­ ing us. Poor old daddyl A WORD TO MAJOR JONES:--We understand that Major Jones is mak­ ing it his business to circulate around town and tell everybody that we have decided not to run for Mayor, even if the nomination were offered us by ac­ clamation. In telling this the Major lies and knows he lies! No one has authorized him to make any such statements, and he is actuated only by the basest motives. We not only want the nomination, but we want to> be elected, and We shall work tooth and toenail to get her. A word with you, Mrjor: If, after your attention has been called to this notice, you persist in your mali­ cious conduct, we shall take it as a personal insult. That is, we shall strap on our gun and meander around town, and as we meander we shall look for you. If you get the drop on us we shan't kick, but if you don't you'd better have instructions already writ­ ten out as to where you want to be buried. IT'S OUB WAY.--There are seription. Most of these are Eastern people who have been accustomed to paying for their paper about once In fifty years. It will probably aston­ ish them to know that we run things on a different basis out here. We It l'<t a Cow 1.1 ko Tills. Rupert Hansborough, of the firm of Crowley, Hansborough & Co., leather dealers of Chillicothe, Ot , is the pos­ sessor of a natural curiosity in the shape of a cow which gives black milk. She is on Mr. Hansborough's model farm, situated a few miles out of town, andean be seen at anytime grazing in his pasture, and at milking time her singular yield will be shown any one desiring to hold it. Of mixed breed, Jersey and Durham, with a strain of Ayrshire, she was calved on the farm and was the second born to her mother, whose milk presented no peculiarity, and whose first calf, a heifer, too, still gives an abundance of natural tinted milk. Mollie, as she is called, is a pretty little cow, with nothing unusual in her appearance, and has borne already five young, which have thriven w^ll on her black milk. It produces a faTr amount of cream, which is a trifle lighter in color, and whieh when churned makes butter resembling coal-tar, but as palateable as though of golden yellow. Mr. Hansborough says that at first they were afraid to drink or use the butter in any wiy, but, overcoming their prejudice now enjoy it as any other. He has received numbers of offers for her, both from the proprietors of museums and stockmen, but declined them from the hopes that she will yet transmit ber peculiarity to some of her progeny. Chemists in Rich­ mond, and Washington, have analysed the milk, both fresh and when made into butter, but declare that they can detect nothing to account for its sable color, but attribute it to some unique coloring pigment in the corpuscles of her blood." SAUL slew his thousands and David thousands, even before the gasoliM stoves.--[Chi* 4 HUNTING FOR DELINQUENT SCK1BEKS. stm- * ; ' don't want to be too sudden with them, and therefore announce that this notice is only preparatory. Dur­ ing the next thirty days the delin­ quents can settle up with hay, oats, corn, live stock, barbed wire, hides, pelts, whisky, tobacco or most any­ thing else. After that we shall mount our mule and look up the rest of them and we shall decline to be held re­ sponsible for results. EXPLANATORY. --We understand that Col. Childers is making a great blow around town about the little af­ fair of last Saturday, and that he has induced some of our best citizens to believe that we attempted to assas­ sinate him. While we have lived here too long for any solid business man to believe any such thing of us an explanation is perhaps due to all parties. I'be COIOIMI'S wife is a the young man's, head, and then snorted. All this annoyed the nice young man, who had been looking very wise, and when two or three other passen­ gers joined in the chdrus he began to wiggle and quit looking wise. The laughing increased, and grew, and spread, and the nice young man grew desperate. He got up to see what it was over his head that caused the un­ seemly caehination. He found it. it was one of those big cardboard signs that adorn cable-cars. It was printed in big black letters and it read': "The young man sitting beneath this card is one of ouV customers. He Is very fussy and hard to please, but, iny! isn't he an elegant dresser? He has on a pair of our $3 pants." The nice young man left the car- left it in haste, in anger--leaving be­ hind him S9me very naughty words that smelt of sulphur. The Neglected Nose. No one thinks of cultivating the nose, although no trouble and expense are spared in * training the ear and educating the eye; as an avenue of understanding and enjoyment the facult of smell is utterly ignored in our scheme of education. When Jacob, the supplanter, stood by the sick-bed of his blind sire, we read how Isreal thought he recognized the odor of his first-born, and it pleased him. "See," he said, "the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the Lord hath blessed." Modern prudery recoils from such a mode of recognition, simply because the mod­ ern noses have been allowed to grow insensible to all except pUngent or overpowering smells. Rightly trained, the sense of smell would infinitely extend our aesthetic perception, and we might even learn to derive pleas­ ure from some of the odors which our untutored faculties now make us con­ sider unpleasant. The mere smell of kid gloves prevails to send an elderly gentleman into a tender ecstasy, in virtue of its association with a danc­ ing academy, where, in his earliest teens, he lost his heart to a pink- cheeked maiden.--[Sir Herbert Max­ well, Bait, M« P., In Blackwood's MagMfeHh 7- y;-r,?V ?ef puiiP l̂l̂ wiefifshall tie nameie« doesn't know btsl aame anyhow. He was ban! at work one evening it his accustomed desk when he hap­ pened too look out of his window andt saw a family quarrel going on in a flatr -<' . icross the way occupied by a man and H ( v wife who were too busily engaged t» v- : notice that they had not pulled down ^ t h e i r b l i n d s . T h e h u s b a n d w a s e a - » / ; reering wildly about the room in th«^. frantic effort to keep out of the way >\viV" : Df his wife, who, with a teakettle off hot water in one hand and a heavy!?' 3ane in the other, was making a flerca assault upon him. His snare of tho quarrel appeared to consist of an oc­ casional attempt to grab the cane,'., speedily checked by a forward move- . ~ ment on the part of the teakettle, off r* an effort now and then to expostulate * ^ with his maddened spouse, equally, 1 • y. brief and unsuccessful, but for the , J- most part he was occupied, as inti-# mated, in avoiding punishment ash^ < rT! had an undoubted right to do unde^ * v the prevailing rules governing prize* r fights. • ' The paragraph writer, glad of a ̂ spite from his weary grind of work*" ^ turned down his light, to keep fronf being seen himself, and became an < J interested spectator of the one-side^, * * ' combat. Sitting therein the darBt • * he laughed long and loud. ;c^ But there came a cessation of hos-» / tilities across the way. A peac# seemed to have been patched up* - 1' The wife went about her work again and the husband sat down to repaif|l|fffei«| d a m a g e s . T h e s c e n e l o s t i t s i n t e r e s t * ' > for the newspaper man. He turned .. up his light and resumed his grinding * out of paragraphs. j/ A few minutes later, happening to look across the street again, he savfK that the war had broken out afresh^^«.-f: He turned down his light as before,' . and again his voice rose in boisterouf. laughter as he watched the wretched husband flying madly about the room 1, and the enraged wife following him. , -rl« with the cane and the teakettle. ;; Again came a temporary armistice^; ^ and again the scribe turned up hli- < Cj light and went at his work, and ii| ' • this way he put in his evening. "" It so happened that while he wai enjoying these interruptions his own • door was open, and in the room across 1 the hall several young women, in . ^ company with the wife of one of the editors, were making an evening call - ;; on the editor aforesaid. They wer« ' vi watching the movements of the para£ graph man. ^ '4 Well! well!" remarked one of them, after they had gone away, "I have al* ' ways been told that these funny mei| I were dismal fellows, but that mai| really seemed to be enjoying his work*. - He'd turn down his light and think^ and when the jokes occurred to hl®^ he'd laugh and langh till you could hear him all over the building. The|iI he'd turn up his light and write thenp d o w n " When the "Funny man" sees thlsfc as probably he will ln due course of time, he will be gratitled to learn thaj| he furnished an evening of rare e: joyment to those young women, an that they read his column the ne: day, in which appeared a somewhat guarded description of the familf quarrel he had witnessed, with an in^ terest wholly unwarranted by any* thing that column contained.--Ch^ eago Tribune. * Ways or Women; A woman sees more things ii., Heaven and earth than are dreamed of in man's philosophy. : She's as full of sweetness and charitjp; as a man is full of mule sense and egotism. ;• She can manage a man by making the vain bulk believe he manages her. | She can tell you better how mucfjr principle there is in a man to thjg square inch of his face than you coul§ discover by a month's dealing witfc him. She will marry a mfHi to "reform* him, and though clothed in rags d^i clare that she is happy with thp brute. She can't throw a stone because sh# isn't built that way; but she can firi a world of pathos into an appeal for new dress that will burst the toughest purse strings asunder. She is usally more adept at making matches than at striking them, and, while she may not know how to sharpen a knife, she can in two midr • utes hone up her tongue in a waf that will make it sharper than a two? edged sword. She may not be able to jnmp a foui» railed fence, but she jumps to coi£ ! elusions, and nine times out of ted, 7: she gets there while a man is reason- ing it all out. She can quicken .a man's mental faculties by giving him pieces of her • mind. She doesn't seem to feel tbi| loss either. True, she spends much of .her tiinft ^ before the glass; but so does a mai% . t only his too often has a bead on it. > 7^ According to some, she was called" woman because she brought woe to 1' man. This interpretation, howeve% is not only scriptural, but is n<» ̂ borne out by the facts. , ' She is also called a conundrum; but> V we will never give her up--never! ^ • *. ; With all her faults we love her stilt V But, as she is seldom still, we shaft have to throw the mantle of charity over that one, too. « • The perfect woman is a rare a via, 1 affirms the Detroit Free Press, and should she, by any accident, cros* your path, young man; don't be disap* pointed if you find her in quest of | perfect man. . The Child Has Horns and a Tall. Some months ago Mrs. A. Morris, /; of Boone Bridge, Waught County,- Minn., ejected an agent, who was sell* 77 ing bibles, from the house, with tho remark, "I would as soon have tho devil in the house as a Bible." Tho ̂ devil came, or, at least, something ^ very like his satanical majesty. Somo weeks ago a child was born with two * h o r n s o n i t s h e a d , a t a i l l i k e t h a t o f * * cat and feet partly human and partly resembling those of a dog. The childli; body is covered with long auburU bair. The first sight of the xnon- - , • strosity made the mother insane and * ^ she is now in an asylum. LORD Li is the name of the Chinett representative in Tokio. If there it anything in a name that Chinaman io =5sM •• • " fc • '» ' ; u »• 'Ofw Jfci ikj. Vt'-jL i