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' f »-tiM* SS*,,T:'« "X-Wn f $ f *> . I1"" •;., ;!>• - f^tllrwrg flaiufleawt 1 VAN SLYKE, Editor and Publithw, ILLINOia lioHBNET, /+•' 'f V f^V- &. A SONQ OF FOfclur. BY TEAN K&TIF. MTDTTOLT. tdlr, Polly, the kettle sings, berv'R a puff of *team like fniry wingl, A fragrance of Otilong stealing; fcin^ v eliiua cozily set, «i"' l<i as frailest of eggshell, yet Btrong in my housewife's dealfnft. It's hev for toast, and ho for tea! Old rpininiRcences brought to me Ow t lie tea. •with l'olly ; V • s JJiere's ilie fragrant of aoug wben beaTt# 1N>« young, •• •vffe trembling luiuor never f>ung, Hushed in tear* ffom Potlr. 5or Polly snd I, ay, hey for toait, o for t ho tea, too, who cau boost Of youth and lovo forever! broken heart and hint of wrong id cheerier note ip the kettle's song, Btriving with brave endeavor. Bo, over the cpisp hro-wn toast for two, And tea in the old cup* quaiut and l>lu4» Hoigho for bygone full y ! , * . Stoougii yellowest hair lias tui oedito whit^ nongs to minor, yet to-night • / ... We IOVH on, i and Polly I " ' ••CTravelera' Record. w era with that prize slipping past tin. Four of you stay with the schooner and work her down in our wake while we give chase." The pirates, except four men whom he designated, hastily returned to their own deck, and, casting loose, from the Yankee schooner, the Piroqua spread her wings to the breeze and swept like a gull toward the brig. The Dolphin's crew de­ jectedly watched the pirate vessel swoop upon its prey, which seemiug to realize the danger had turned its course so as to give the schooner a stem chase. At this move the black flag came to the Piroqua's peak, and, in her true colors, she crowded on sail in pursuit. The pirates left in charge of the Capt. Knowlton with two men handled the ropes, and with Abel at the wheel, still keeping the' Dolphin headed for the pirate craft, they con trived to spoil so much wind and so to steer that the vessel should make the least headway possible." The dis­ tance between the two schooners steadily increased until they were two miles apart. Then the winds fell, leaving the Dolphin rolling on the swell with flapping sails. The last puff dying away to leeward car­ ried the Piroqua along some distance farther, and the brig got the last of the breeze. Soon the three vessels' lay becalmed at about equal dis­ tance apart. In anxious suspense the Dolphin's crew waited for the next rise of wind, for upon its direction THE ARIZONA KIClvEK Dolphin, an ill-temper at being lerc ; would depend their fate. behind, drove the officers and crew, j At four bells in the afternoon the nine in number, into the forecastle ; captain and his mate still stood anx- and fastened the door. They shaped j iously at the wheel, their gaze turn- the schooner's course into the wake j ing from the pirate on the east to the of the pirate craft, and then, while , western water smooth and glassy to one of 4bem handled the wheel, the j the horizon line. At last a little others began a search for liquor. A ! cat's paw from die west ruffled the bottle partly tilled with rum, found ! surface, and coming after it, growing r;.4{> CAPTURED BY W , On the morning of September iO, . 1738. with the sun half way to the Benith, the trim schooner Dolphin forged southward. A gentle south­ erly breeze rippled the smooth Carrib- t>ean waters, and St. Thomas, her port, lay only twenty-four hours' sail away. Here she was to discharge and load cargo, and thence shape her homeward course toward Boston. Captain Archibald Knowlton walked bis quarter-deck briskly, for he was beginning to enjoy the arxiety felt on Hearing port safe from disaster by storm or pirate. Tornadoes and hur­ ricanes were less to be dreaded than the fierce outlaws that in those days haunted the seas wherever merchant vessels sailed. "Dead men tell no tales" was their maxim with prison­ ers, and every merchant captain knew well that the capture of his ship by pirates meant that those of his com­ pany taken alive would be made to ••walk the plank." 1 The Yankee skipper whistled cheer­ ful y as he looked to windward where • long, sharp-rigged schooner which the morning had brought into view was sailing in the same direction as tiie Dolphin. From her course and appearance, he took her to be a trader from some American port. Hie stranger was larger and faster than his own craft, and slowly crept sp on her weather quarter. Another more distant sail was in *iew, a brig off the port bow, coming on with a fair breeze. Both schooners were close hauled on the starboard tack, and the strange schooner was now nearly abeam of the Dolphin. Five or six sailors and an officer in plain clothes were in view upon her decks. "What do you make her out to be, Abel?" said Captain Knowlton. He spoke to his first mate, with whom he had sailed since they were toys. "A slaver makin' for the west coast, more'n likely," answered Abel Forbes. "She's a good one; pulls ahead of us on the wind, and not many craftean do that." The breeze, which came and went fitfully, was dying whooly away, and the stranger, which had come very near now fell off a little, keeping on the same tack, as if trying to make the most of what wind was left. '•if that fellow doesn't mind what he's a-doin'he'll run afoul of us," said Capt. Knowlton. "I'll hail him." Lifting his spaking trumpet to® shouted, "Schooner ahoy! What's four name and where are you bound?" "The Piroqua, of Havana," called hack the officer: then gave a com­ mand in Spanish to his helmsman, who suddenly threw up the wheel; the stranger shot ahead and laid her port bow on the starboard quarter of the Dolphin. ' As the vessels pitched and ground : together the Piroqua's men, pretend- tog to help in clearing them, passed a hawser about the Dolphin's main •hrouds, fastening the schooners together. A gorgeously dressed man •ppeared, sword in hand, on •tranger'8 quarter deck, shouting , Commands. About her lee rail rose crowd of desperate-looking fellows, Who in a moment more, with flashing Weapons and ferocious yells were iWarmingupon the Dolphin's decks. Before an attack so sudden the mer­ chantman's company were easily over­ powered and made prisoners. The pirates were of many nations *nd colors, in motley dress and Armed to the teeth. They ransacked the cabin and forecastle, knocking j|heir captives about and compelling them to assist in the plundering; then gathering with their booty and find prisoners in the Dolphin's waist, tlpon the poop stood their captain, a tall, blaekbearded man, with a fierce „ j»ye and resolute, cruel, thin lips. He -Wore a cocked hat; over his shoulder Was slung a wide crimson sash in Which were stuck several heavy pis- tols, and his hand rested on the fichly ornamented hilt of the sword at his side. He put some questions to Capt. ; Knowl'ton concerning his cargo, the •failing of other vessels from Boston and the measures that the British au- : jthorities were taking against the - West Indian pirates. Then he turned to his lieutenant. : "We're wasting time," he said. K . "Run a plank out at the lee gangway and walk them overboard." The pirates, with brutal Jests and : .laughter, began to tie the elbows of * A the Dolphin's company behind their K backs and to teacup strips of bunting in the cook's locker," only whetted their appetites. They came to the forecastle and asked the prisoners where the liquor--in those days a regular part of a - vessel's store--was kept. The mate informed them through the air-port that there was a cask of rum among the stores in the fore-hold. They opened the forecastle door. "Come out of there, two of you," thev called; whereat Abel Forbs and Jack Dutten, the ship's boy, climbed the deck. The pirates pointed to the fore hatchway, r "Get down there and break out that cask of rum, and be quick about it," they commanded. Very unwillingly Abel and Jack went l>elow and tried to pull aside the barrels of beef and pork stowed about the cask. The pirates rigged a fall and by the aid of this some barrels were hoisted out and others swung aside until the head of the coveted cask was in sight. But so much stuff still was wedged about it that the thirsty ruffians became impatient. At their order Jack Dutton brought an augur from the carpenter's room, and seizing it one of the pirates jumped below. A hole was quickly bored into the cast, and with a long reed pipe stem he was able to reach the liquor which he sucked up greedily until his eager companions clamored that he come on deck and allow them their turn. Once started to drinking, the pirates continued it at a lively rate. They kept Abel and Jack on deck to help haul the ropes, but at first took the precaution that two of their number should remain above while the others drank. But, unused as they were to responsibility or self-control, as the liquor showed its effect, presently two of them were at the cask at the same time, and they refused to leave at the call of the third one, who at last joined them, and singing, swear­ ing and laughing the three caroused without care or precaution. The man at the wheel was a scarred and swarthy villain, with gold rings in his ears, a red handkerchief knotted about his head, and two large pistols and a cutlass at his belt. Missing his comrades, he gruffly called Jack aft. "What are my mates doing for­ ward?" he asked. "They've tapped the barrel of rum in the forehold," said Jack. "That's pretty work for 'em to be at with the craft to sail and prisoners to guard," growled the pirate with an oath. "Here, you young hell-hound, catch hold of the wheel and watch your steering." , With cutlass in hand he ran Torward to the hatchway and shouted to his comrades to come on deck; but, reck­ lessly drunken, they replied only by inviting him to join their carousal or go to a place warmer than Havana. While they exchanged threats and curses, Abel, standing by the fore- sheet, saw that the vessel, through the lack of skillful handling, had fallen fully a mile behind the pirate craft. He perceived a chance to make a bold stroke for the lives of himself and comrades, and knowing that, as and deepening, a dark ripple showed that there was wind behind. The mainsail swelled out and there came beneath the bows the gurgle of water cut by the Dolphin's prow. "All hands on deck," cried Capt. Knowlton. "Haul aft the sheets. Head her southwest by south, Abel." The schooner rounded up into the breeze and the becalmed pirates saw their prize drawing off with gathering headway. Would the Piroqua leave her chase of the brig to pursue her when the wind came? This was soon revealed. With his spyglass Capt. Knowlton could see a commotion on her decks, and as the breeze reached the pirate and gave her steerage way she headed close-hauled toward the escaping schooner. But the Dolphin had the first pull of the freshening wind and drew farther and farther away from her pursuer. The merchant schooner had gained a fine start, but as the wind became steady the Piroqua, hanging on her quarter, held her own and began to creep closer, and a change or falling of the wind might again throw the Dolphin into her cruel enemy's clutches. As the pirate, crawling up into the wind, drew nearer and nearer a sail far ahead, gradually lifting into view, revealed a large spread of canvass, a Union Jack flying at the peak ^nd the black and white port-holes of a British man-of-war. The pirate quickly re­ cognized the character of the coming vessel and wanted no closer acquaint­ ance. Tacking, she spread her sails free and went off like a shot abeam of the winds and was soon hull down in the distance. At Capt. Knowlton's signal of dis­ tress there come off to him from his majesty's cruiser, Terror, a boat manned by a dozen blue-jackets in command of a lieutenant. The situ­ ation was quickly explained, the hatch thrown off, and the pirates, at the sight of the man-of-war's men, surrendered without a struggle. Justice in those days was swift for freebooters of the sea, and before the Dolphin left St. Thomas the four pirates lay under sentence in prison awaiting the day of their execution.--[Detroit News. RUNNING Error* In Geographies. "The publishers of school maps, "says a teacher in the St. Louis Globe-Demo­ crat, "are responsible for more er­ rors than any other class of people on the planet. They use sometimes half a dozen different scales of sizes in a single book, and it is impossible for children to get a correct idea of the relative sizes of different countries be­ cause of their lack of uniformity in the scale. In an atlas for school use all the maps should be on the same scale, otherwise most incorrect ideas will be formed. I recently asked a bright boy, who had just finished the study of geography and laid it by becaase he knew all about it, how large he supposed Arabia was. He reflected a moment, and then, with some confi­ dence, replied that Arabia was about the size of Massachusetts I sug­ gested the possibility of his being mistaken, when he got his atlas and matters stood, their doom was sealed j showed methat^ Arabiaand Massa- the jpin any event, he acted promptly and ^ resolutely As the ruffian standing at the hatchway alternately cursed his com­ rades and implored them to come on deck, Abel, under pretense of pulling in the slack of the jib sheet, contrived to get near him. The pirate heard his movement, turned, and instantly raised his cutlass. "So you are trying to steal on me," he snarled. "I'll put you out of the way." The steel flashed down, as he spoke. Abel instihetively dodged back at the motion, but that would not have saved him had it not been for the dangling tackle that had been used in moving the barrels in the hold. It swung in the way of the falling blade, catching and turning the blow, so that the edge of the cutlass sunk deep into the wooden block. Before h'is enemy could disengage it the mate sprang forward, and his heavy fist landing squarely upon the jaw, knocked the pirate backward into the hold. With a strength and quickness he could not have shown in a lesser emergency, he flung the hatch down into place. Quickly as it was done, he caught a glimpse of the three pirates grouped about the cask, half sobered by the sudden alarm, starting up and grasping their weapons. Directly be­ neath him the fallen wretch, as he lay on his back, with his head bleed­ ing where it had struck the edge of a barrel, had pulled a pistol, and with the slamming down of the hatch ft# ~r with which to bandage their eyes. I came from below a flash and a report ' The gangway was thrown open and j that in the confined space, was deaf­ ening. A whistling ball tore upward -f ̂ from it a plank run out two-thirds of *" Its length, its inner end secured to & 1 the deck by the weight of a large spar. * , 'The unhappy merchant crew silently " watched the preparations for their through the woodwork and cut a long swath through Abel's beard, and a thin 6moke-wreath curled along the hatch's edge as the mate forced the A NEWSPAPER WEST. Itltl OtinrtM Allowed • Timely Went In* to PMI ttaheeded--Kill's fata -- The AHIOM KK>K«r'* FIRST NIGHT Oat--LET* - Interested Kaiiaru 1'arUp*. Culled from the Kloker, T would wear him out, and strongly ad vised him to travel. He thought he knew the town better than we did, and the result was a hanging last Fri­ day night. Bill keptqp drinking and fussing until he put a bullet into Indian Mike. Wo doubt Mike ought to have been shot long ago, but the boys concluded that Bill Chudso was getting too careless with his gun, and he was invited out to be hung. We were early on the spot, of course, while our contemporary never even heard of the case until next day. We expected Bill would be a little sofe on us, but he wasn't. lie wanted to shake hands with us before he was tied, and during the fifteen minutes allowed him on the head of the barrel he spoke in the highest terms of us as a citizen arid as the editor of a great weekly paper. He called direct attention to The Kicker, declaring it worth five times the subscription pe&e ($1 in advance,) and added that iMffe had heeded the good advice found in every issue he would not * have been standing where he was. In fact, Bill talked so fluently that We were al- wh&titcando. We arrived in tMs town three years ago with one lung gone, lame in both knees, dead broke for cash, and having a cough on us which made everybody think a thun­ derstorm was coming up when we let loose. Our eyes were so bad we couldn't see a Digger Indian fifty feet away, an*d our hearing had run down until a man would have had to ask us four times to drink with him before we could have suspected what was up. The first three nights here we slept HE shears editor under a wagon on Ki't Carson Square, ,.f thrt "Vnw v™>i.-, an(j we distinctly remember of old lit If Partcer kicking us across the street when we asked him to lend us a dime to buy breakfast. Old Bill .is dead now. We took somewhat of an active part in his hanging. To-day we are the richest and the healthiest man in the country. Feel like a Texas steer all the time, and have golb a hole full of money. Before the climate took hold of us anybody could boot us around and slap our jaws. The worm turned one day, and since and discouraged about fifty others. The man who kicks us has got to be chain- lightning. We lead the social swirl, will shortly be elected Mayor, and Whatever we say goes. Gradually, as the climate has affected and de­ veloped us, we have introduced the style of eating with a fork, wear­ ing white shirts and encouraging Chinese laundries, and we are con­ sidered authority on grammar, prize­ fights, ancient history, poetry, the business outlook and the grizzly bear. of the New York World gives the following interest­ ing items from one of his most valued exchanges.the Ari­ zona Kicker: TH E RI G H T THING.--We told Bill Chudso in these columns over .ytwo months ago "Ithat the climate of this , locality that time we have shot ten men BILIi CHTTDSO'S FATE. cold-blooded murder, while there rose j clamp on the staple and secured it, unbidden in their minds last memor- ies of home and friends who could : .never know their terrible fate. The pirate captain, looking off im- patiently toward the brig, saw that with the tail of the breeze puffing her f; upper sails, she would pass them two miles away. At the same time a rip­ ple coming from the west promised ^ wind for his own vessel. "Avast there," he shouted to his | ahead and if we "It's no time to drown prison- j than ever. He sprang to the forecastle and opened the door. "Come out, come out, Capt. Knowl­ ton," he cried, "I've got the pirates under the hatches. "Steady," he shouted to the im­ prisoned crew eager to rush out, "One at a time and only two of you. If too Imany of us are about the deck we'll arouse the suspicions of that fellow do we!f« vi»m> off ahusetts were the same size, that is, on the map. He opened his eyes when I explained to him the mys­ teries of the scale, and that instead of being a mere speck Arabia was as long as from St. Louis to New Or­ leans, as wide as from St. Louis to New York, and contained more than one-third as many square miles as the United States. He had been misled by the maps, as his teacher probably had also, and thousands of other peo­ ple besides. A uniform scale would prevent many false i^eas, and if a na­ tional series of text-books Is ever adopted the atlases should have that feature prominent." Fash Needed In BuatneM. It is an assured fact nowadays that if you intend to make money you must take hold of something; you must de­ vote your worK, your time, your skill, your experience and whatever money you have to something. To very few indeed does a fortune come by merely waiting for it. And these fortunes themselves are the result of previous years of labor. Caution is indeed a great thing in investment, but, as in everything else, there can be too much of it. The man who is too cautious in his j business policy runs a greater risk of j being ruined by missing golden op­ portunities than one who is seemingly reckless in his undertakings. Con- , servatism of the genuiue sort should be the characteristic of every legiti­ mate business man; aggressiveness, however, in any line of commerce, enlarges to a thousand fold the possi­ bilities of success, while at the same time permitting of the employment of conservative methods. Gamblers in trade or in any other sphere of activity generally come to grief. The genuine business man is a speculator; he is no gambler. He takes risks, but they are warranted by the necessities of his enterprises. He, also, often comes to grief, but his ruin? only emphasizes the mistakes that should be avoided by others. Any man who wishes to invest has lots of good chances. But he must act, and by acting rightly he will win. --[Journal of Finance. most a mind to ask the boys to spare him and let us try him as an adver­ tising solicitor. We reflected, how­ ever, that the crowd had been put to a great deal of trouble and would probably be disappointed, and there­ fore held our peace while Bill was swung off. The very last thing he did was to hand us his gun as an equivalent to the cost of ten years' subscription to 27ie Kicker for his mother. THAT'S NO WAY.--Two or three weeks ago we had an item to the (ef­ fect that the County Clerk of this county was drinking so much tangle­ foot that public business was being sadly neglected. We meant it in all kindness, and hoped he would take it that way, but it seems that the iron struck home. Instead of coming to this office and talking the matter over in a friendly way, he banged our sanc­ tum door open last Monday and began blazing away at us with an old revol­ ver as long as a rail and as noisy as a cannon. He shot a hole in our office clock, perforated a State map ot NE braska, and knocked the end off a horn of plenty we had banging up for an ornament. The rest of his lead went wild. We don't want to be captious about these things, but we have feelings to be hurt. After the blithe young man nad got through we rose up and liced the lobe of his left eai" off as a souvenir and then threw him into the street. We were somewhat riled for a minute, but when he broke down and cried we went out and stuck the lobe in place and made friends with him. His ear will be as good as ever in a couple of weeks, and we hope the matter will prove a great moral lesson to him. IT'S THE CLIMATE --We are in re­ ceipt of letters every week from par- *'ARIZONA KICK Ell'8" FIRST NIGHT OUT. IT'S odd that by devoting all her time to Browning a girl can get pale. • i>une bu DruwuiuK i |--[Chicago Times. ties in the East, asking about busi­ ness, the climate, chances, etc. There are some good things about this country, and .we don't deny that they are some bad ones. The better way is to come out and personally in­ vestigate. As far as the climate is concerned we declare it the best on earth. Our own case is a proof of Wine. Students who are entering college this fall should reflect seriously upon the question of wine drinking. They will often be invited and ex­ pected to drink wine, and they will occasionally see their elders drink it at college festivals. They are likely to hear those who drink speak dis­ paragingly of those who decline drink­ ing, and they will read descriptions of banquets in which wine is repre­ sented as figuring honorably. For many other reasons it would be well for students to come to a clear understanding with themselves upon the matter, and make up their minds what is the proper thing for them to do when they are asked to drink. No one likes to be thought a milk sop. But even that can be borne, if the accused person knows he'is right and knows why he is Fight. Clear and certain knowledge is a wonderful help at the moment of temptation, though it is not always sufficient. To get light upon this subject it is not necessary to go into a library and pore over a heap of books. A healthy young man who drinks wine or any such fluid need not be long in doubt whether he has taken into his system a friend or foe. lie cannot help knowing, if he ob­ serves himself closely, that the wine is an enemy. He perceives that it in­ creases, not quenches, thirst; that it raises his spirits for half an hour or more, according to the amount used, and depresses them for several hours that follow; that it flushes, excites, disturbs, perverts, and therefore in­ jures him. If he conscientiously watches its ef­ fects, he knows this, and all the soph- istery of all the sophists cannot dis­ guise the fact from him. He knows it as well as Sydney Smith knew it when he wrote to Lady Holland that, without abstaining from wine, "Lon­ don was stupefaction and inflamma­ tion." Nothing has been more certainly demonstrated than that the use of alcoholic drinks by young persons in our keen, exciting climate is a mis­ take, and is to no class so injurious as to students. To them, more than to any other class, wine incieases the difficulty of every duty and adds al­ luring force to every vice. This is not preaching; it is simple fact, and known to lie such by all honest investigators. Students need the best food that civilization can supply, and that food should be eaten in the best manner known to civilized life. But when it comes to intoxicat­ ing drinks, there is only one safe and wise rule, which is expressed in one word: Abstain.--[Youth's Compan­ ion. The 8»>*ry Problem. "If any provide not for his own he is worse than an infidel," even if he neglects his family to make laws or to interpret them for his country. A man who is dependent upon what he earns, and who can earn $10,000 or $15,000 of $20,000 a year outside Con­ gress, is going to think twice before he sacrifices that income for a salary on which he .cannot have a home in the city where he must live more than half the time, and cannot give his children the education which he had planned for tnem. And if he thinks twice, the chances are greatly against his going to Washington, or tying himself down to an even smaller salary if he be a lawyer and the path opens for him to a seat in a Federal Court. The present system operates to fill Congress with men whose wealth is so great that the size of the salary is a matter of indifference. The ten­ dency to elect to the Senate and the House men who are rich, and who would never have been thought of for such office except for their riches, is already so strong as to be alarming, and yet the nation goes on year after year neglecting one perfectly obvious way to resist it. Make the salary of a Congressman large - enough for one to live as well at the close of the cen­ tury as a Senator or a Representative lived at its beginning, and seats which now often go without a contest to un qualified millionaires will again be sought by men who are capable of rendering the best service to the State --[Century. Mrs. Astor's Jewel*. Mrs. William Astor has a wonder­ ful snake ring which literally writhes in constant motion, on her finger. It is constructed of flexible gold wire, each scale being represented by a loop of wire in which a ruby, an emerald or an amethyst is firmly set The slightest movement of the fin­ gers sets the wire a-quiver, and the ring scintillates and seems to "go round and round the finger with a serpentine movement that has some­ thing eerie in it. It was made in Egypt. The same lady has a mar­ velous necklace, composed of six strings of magnificent diamonds, all the storfes being invisibly set, so that they look as though they were simply strung together like beads. MI«aiKt«t*tai>dtaa* A lake steamer was oh its way from Marquette to Saginaw. Among the passengers was an inquiring English tourist, who came on board at Mar­ quette at dark, and immediately turned in. After breakfast he came on deck with a very ill-deflned notion where he was, and at the first oppor­ tunity he accosted the Captain, who was anything but the affable person­ age of whom we hear so frequently. "Beg pardon, sir," he said, "but can you tell me the name of the lake I'm on?" "The Lake Huron," replied the Captain, shortly, and passed on about his duties. The passenger looked puzzled for a moment, and then, supposing he had been misunderstood, followed the offi­ cial. "I beg your pardon; did yon say--" "It's the Lake Huron," said the Captain, brusquely, wondering if the passenger was hard of hearing. "Yes, I know," persisted the anx­ ious inquirer; "but what's the name of the lake I'm on?" "The lake you're on is the Lake Huron," roared the Captain, thor­ oughly exasperated at such stupidity, and not at all conscious of the double meaning conveyed in his speech. The passenger looked after the re­ treating official in angry astonish­ ment. "The lake I'm on is the lake I'm on," he soliloquized. "What beastly impertinence! of course it is! The lake I'm--" Then he paused; the solution of the mystery flashed across his mind, and he laughed so heartily that it put him in a good humor, and presently he hunted up the irate Captain, and staightened out matters to their mu­ tual satisfaction. A parallel incident refers to the ad­ ventures of a man who went to a cer­ tain railway station in New Jersey to buy a ticket for a small village named Morrow, w tere a station had been opened only a few days previously. "Does this train go to Morrow?" asked the man, coming up to the office in a great hurry, and pointing to a train on the track, with steam upand every indication of speedy departure. "No; it goes to-day, replied the ticket agent, curtly. He thought the man was "trying to be funny," as the saying goes. "But," rejoined the man, who was in a great hurry, "does it go to Mor­ row. to-day?" "No, it goes yesterday, the week after next," said the agent, sarcastic­ ally, now sure that the inquirer was trying to make game of him. , "You don't understand me," cried the man, getting very much excited, as the engine gave a warning toot, "I want to go to Morrow." "Well, then," said the agent, sternly, "why don't you go to-mor­ row, and not come fooling around here to-day? Step aside, please, and let that lady approach the window." "But, my dear sir," exclaimed the bewildered inquirer, "it is important that I sHould be in Morrow to-day, and if the train stops there, or if there is no train to Morrow to-day--" At this critical juncture, when there was some danger that the mu­ tual misunderstanding would drive both men frantic, an old official hap­ pened along and straightened out matters in less than a minute. The agent apologized, the man got his ticket, and the train started for Morrow to-day.--[Youth's Compan­ ion. TlMt Third l'Hrty. The constant presence of a third person at the fireside and table, says Mrs. P. T. Barnum in the Ladies' Home Journal, is especially disastrous in the earlier years of wedlock. The presence of one who is not "of our­ selves" may often restrain what is worst in us; but alas! it always re­ strains what is best. There must al­ ways be in the most perfect unions and the best ordered lives some little friction which will once in a while find expression. The gentle protest with which, if alone with your hus­ band, you would disarm his fractious- ness, dies in your throat because of the third person. The loving caress with which you would close his lips and make him ashamed of himself, is as impossible to you as if you were paralyzed. If misunderstood, pride will not let you explain, and you re­ tort indignantly; or, at best, keep silent with an aching heart, and in time you grow to hate that third person who may be an angel of light, but who is none the less eating holes in your marriage garment. It may not be possible, without neglecting a sacred duty, to have your house en­ tirely to yourself, but I charge you, as you value your mutual love and happiness, be inflexible on your reso­ lution to keep some waking hours out of every twenty-four when the fire­ side shall be sacred to you and yotir husband; when you can tell each other your thoughts, your hopes, and feai;s, with no stranger intermeddling with your Joy. Manufactured Relics. Many Western towns are filled, just at present, with itinerant vendors of souvenirs of the fight at Wounded Knee, and for a moderate investment of cash the Eastern' tenderfoot can procure any sort of a relic--from "the leggins the Medicine Man wore when he threw up a handful of dirt and or­ dered the red devils to fire," to a ghost-dance shirt. A genuine article of this sort, brought by a Chicago newspaper man from the battle-field, where it was stripped from the back of a dead squaw, is made of white cotton-cloth, embroidered with yel­ low. It is covered with blood from the wound that caused the former owner's death, and is a most ghastly trophy. - . Ker. Pllnk Plunk on Contentment. "Contentment is better dan great riches, deah breddern. De po' man can only afford to buy one water­ melon, but when he buys it he's able to eat it and enjoy it, while de rich man, dat kin buy melons by de caht- load is troubled wid a digestin appar­ atus dat won't allow him to eat mor'n half a slice ob de juicy fruit wifout gittin' sick."--[N. Y. Herald. IF the sun had nothing else to do but shine on the righteous it would be hardly worth while for it to rise as early as it does. A WOMAN has more reason to fear public opinion than a rami has, and •he fears it less. SIX DAYS ON TRAIN. Sleeping Car Porters Who Hav* the Leupr est Runs in the World. The only employes of the Canadian Pacific who are with the express trains all the way between Montreal and Vancouver are the sleeping car porters, says a Canadian paper. They travel nearly 3,000 miles without a break, and are on the road for nearly six days. It is a pretty hard life, but at both ends of the route the porters have an opportunity to rest, though even then they hardly get sufficient recuperation. For two or three nights the porter is not likely to get over three or four hours' sleep a night, and he is lucky if he gets that. He is his own conductor, and collecting the sleeping-car tick­ ets and accounting for them adds considerably to his work. Leaving Montreal at 8:40 p. m., he is certain to have a busy time at Ottawa shortly after midnight, and then he .ias his boots to black, and he is lucky if he gets a wink of sleep be­ fore 2 or 3 a. m. He takes a pillow and lies down in the smoking room when no passengers are there, and catches cat naps if he can. He is likely at any moment to be aroused by a bell, summoning him to one of the berths, and the bell is sure to b6 kept busy after daylight. After leaving Winnipeg he has a comparatively easy time across the plains, though he is compelled to be up after midnight both at Regina and Calgary. At all important sta­ tions he has to go to the telegraph office with a statement of the accom­ modations unoccupied in his car, so that the station agents ahead may dispose of berths. He has a very busy time through the mountains. As a rule he loses nearly his entire car load at Winnipeg, and it fills up there at once with passengers from the south. He loses his passengers again at Banff, and their places are supplied by tourists who are going on from'that pleasure resort; then many of his passengers get off at Glazier, and others come on so that nearly all the time he has much to do in the way of keeping his accounts, besides his duties as porter. At Vancouver he lays over for two days, and as a rule he sleeps in the car, occupying it all the time for the round trip. When he returus to Montreal he has been away fourteen days. Then he has a longer rest. He is off duty five days, except that he has to take his turn reporting at the depot at night to assist the outgoing porter in taking care of luggage. His five days'rest puts him in pretty good condition for another two weeks' siege. The porters say the trip is rather trying, but 'here is nothing like get­ ting used to a thing. The company pays them NO a'month, and they ex­ pect to make at least as much more in fees. Al' of them are colored men from the States. How Higgiit* Goc Krea. An old timer told a story of a cruel joke Charley Hinman played on Paul Higgins. The moral to it is the way Higgins got even. Hinman and Figgins were making a "team" trip through Minnesota. They stopped at a small town and took particular pains not to be seen in the presence of his companion. When he got up to the hotel he told the landlord: "You want to look out for that man. He'll pretend he is traveling with me, but he is a tramp." "The landlord was one of the class of tavern-keeper^Twlio cuts his own wood and does other work about the hotel of a muscle developing charac­ ter. The innkeeper said he was "much obleged," and informed Hin­ man he would look out for the stranger. After supper Hinman walked out into the office, picked up a grip, and said to the landlord: "Now, keep your eye on those cases over there," pointing to Higgins' samples. "It would be just like him to say they are his." Hinman started out to see a cus­ tomer. Higgins soon came out of the dining-room, and the first thing he did was to pick up ofle of the cases. The landlord followed instructions and was watching the victim of tho joke closely. "Ye drop that grip" he shouted. "What's the Matter with you?" de­ manded Higgins. "That's all right, I'm on to you." "You are, are you? Well, this is my case, and I'll just pay my bill and get out of here," and he took out a roll of bills. "I know ye'll get out of here," re­ sponded the landlord, and he seized Higgins by the collar and the seat of the trousers and landed him on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. Hig­ gins threw a brick at him, but it missed the landlord and landed out in the dining-room among the dishes. Another traveling man who caught on to the situation explained matters to both parties. Higgins, after he recovered his self- possession, went straight to a grocery store and purchased a basket of eggs. He then started out to find his gay companion. Hinman saw, him first and started to run, but he is fat, and it did not take Higgins long to catch up. Hinman bought a new suit of clothes before he went to bed that night. : Severe With Ml* Own. . Pr rliaps the most distinguished man in Somerset County, Pa., is a justice ot the peace who is the owner of a fine garden, the pride of his heart. The other day he was informed that an unruly cow had wrought desola­ tion in his Eden, and at once ordered the animal sent to the pound. Then he went up to view the wreck, and and after noting the vacant places where the beets and corn had been, the trampled down squashes and cab­ bages and the demoralized pea-vines and sunflowers, and ascertaining, as he supposed, the owner of the cow, he made out a writ against the in­ dividual containing fourteen different counts, including tespass, forcible en­ try, malicious mischief, nuisance,riot­ ous and disorderly conduct and as­ sault and battery with intent to. kill. It was then that he learned that the trespasser was his own cow, and his ire cooled and he eliminated the most serious charges in the indict­ ment and paid the usual fee for get­ ting a cow out of the pound. Taw end ef a long strike--a home llln. V; ' 1 ' .-V, . . . ,:vZ- • ' , * « 1