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5^ The IcHeury Plaindealer. r:v\. a,!,. , ppbmshejj BY •^' • • r. e. M H K B I N K B . ILLINOia % f Why not build a doughnut without £•-' ft hoi© and fool the pessimists? If Anna Gould did not have enough Of French nobility the other time she must be hard to satisfy. A visiting English woman says that I husbands are clams. Well, who is it tbat makes them shut up? FOIL OPORTO PLOT MANY REPUBLICAN CONSPIRAP TORS ARES ARRESTED. ARMS AND PLANS FOUND A New York physician wants so­ ciety to fly kites for its health. Any­ thing at all so it isn't a useful occu-' pation. NowHhat their convention is over the scientists may hurry back to the society of the guinea pig and the gi­ ant poato bug. Maybe those Europeans who still think there will be war between this country and Japan have not seen a olcture of our fleet. . Virtue hardly gets a chance to pat Itself on the back in San Francisco before vice rises up and hands it one or two In a teftder spot. That it is the duty of a man to walk the floor all night with a crving baby is the opinion handed down by a Chicago judge. Impeach him. Because a mule sat down on him, an Iowa miner demands $25,000. The mule will know better next time and merely kick the stuffin' out of him. Something will have to be done to make service in the army more entic­ ing than a job in the steel mills be­ fore there will be a grand rush to enlist. Great Britain can now put into prac­ tice some of the theories it- was so willing to try on us when we were having trouble with Japanese immi­ grants. The peanut diet so strongly advo­ cated in Illinois has received a hard backset. A New York boy was run i over by a truck while on his way to buy goobers. City Was to Have Been Surprised and Captured--Thousands at Lisbon View Remains of Royal Victims. Marseilles.--The frustration on Fri­ day last at Oporto of an elaborate plan to proclaim a republic is announced in a telegram which was received Sunday from one of the hig^st officials in Oporto bv his brother, who has just arrived here from Lisbon. According to the telegram, a large number of conspirators have been ar­ rested, including the leaders. It was also stated that numerous bodies of militant republicans had been seen about the suburbs of Oporto. The po­ lice captured a large store of revolvers and carbines, together with the writ­ ten plans of the conspirators. These plans indicated that it was the Inten­ tion to take the city by surprise on Saturday night, invade the govern­ ment house, imprison the governor and officials, destroy all lines of com­ munication and establish a republic. Lisbon.--Thousands of Portuguese, poor and rich, humble and preten­ tious, filed slowly through the noble cathedral of San Vicente Sunday and gazed for the last time on the faces of their late king and crown prince. All the people wore some emblem of mourning and in passing the coffins placed beneath them floral offerings. The bodies were guarded by officers of the army and navy, royal archers and the palace guards. Masses were said at various altars for the dead and prayers were offered in many homes. In official circles it is believed that the ceremonies in connection with the coronation of King Manuel may not occur for two or three months, and perhaps may never occur, as the young king wishes to inaugurate his reign with as little ostentation as pos­ sible. OUTRAGE BY NIG4HT RIDERS. Dyspepsia makes liars, says a Lon­ don medical journal. As all men are liars, according to the psalmist, it •would appear that something is radic­ ally wrong with the world's food. There is an idea prevalent in the house of representatives that the army needs some men to put behind the guns rather than more highly paid officers to shout commands to nobody In particular. Students who live in marble halls and have all the luxuries #o not make as good grades in Yale as do the poor boys. That is natural. They do not need as good grades for the purpose of making a living. It is all very well to attack the navy from the seclusion of a New York magazine office, but would the writer of the article care to meet the fleet in the middle of the Pacific on a dark night and attack it there? Owners of the new Brooklyn tun­ nel are much disappointed. Not every strap on every train was in use the first day. Still they should give such staid persons as Brooklvnites at least a week to get the tunnel habit. Automobile scorchers are to be put in jail. That is treatment more near ly fitting the disease. Some scorch­ ers would rather pay a fine than eat peanuts. It makes them feel he­ roic without crippling them finan­ cially. Armed Band Blows Up Large Factory in Kentucky. Hopkinsville, Ky.--Saturday night at 12 o'clock a band of about 150 mounted night riders, masked, heavily armed and wearing the insignia of a secret clan, invaded Fredonia. Crittenden county, captured James Scarberry, op­ erator of the Cumberland Telephone company, and cut all telephone connec­ tions. They then forced Dave Potter, a clerk in a drug store, to open his store, in which they corrailod several citi­ zens and held them prisoners. Leaving a large guard in the town the others galloped to Jhe village of View, five miles away, and blew up Alfred H. Cardin's tobacco factory, containing 35,000 pounds of tobacco, and set fire to and destroyed Mr. Cardin's barn, containing 10,000 pounds of tobacco belonging to him and his croppers. The loss aggregates $10,000, with $5,000 insurance. Mr. Cardin is the buyer for Buck- ner & Dunkerson of Louisville. He and his family were away from home. After firing volleys of shots into the air the night riders returned through Fredonia and released their prisoners. RECEIVER FOR A VILLAGE. A publisher's catalogue divides books into three lists: "Famous Books," "Readable Books," "Gift Books." No book appears in more than one list. This is an amusing comment on "the present state of lit­ erature." New York hotel keepers will learn after awhile. Henceforth when a man signs his name "Duke de Deadbeat" or something quite as noble and im­ pressive it will be to the street for him unless he has a few tons of bag­ gage along as an evidence of good faith. Catherine Waugh McCulloch says that women do not get a show before a jury unless they are pretty, and then they get too much of a show. The idea that any one should slan der the girls that way! Our under­ standing of it was that they were all pretty. Result of Tangled Financial Affairs of Cahokia, III. Belleville, 111.--Judge B. R. Bur­ roughs, presiding in circuit court here, Saturday granted the petition of the Federal Union Security company of | Indiana for an injunction to restrain ; George Lepeich from further acting as j supervisor of the village and common j fields of Cahokia and from collecting j rentals from the tenants of 600 acres | of valuable lands of that historic set­ tlement. Frederick B. Morrills of Belleville was made receiver. The court order results from an ef­ fort to readjust the affairs of the vil­ lage, which were entangled as a result of the alleged failure of Supervisor Anthony Bordeaux, who served the village from 1882 to 1892, to turn over to Camile Droit, his successor, $20,000 collected in rentals. This is the first time in the history of Illinois courts that a receiver has been named for a village or city. Science is about to prove that ani­ mal energy is developed by electricity and that the human body is a battery for generating the subtle fluid from the pure-food products the person ab­ sorbs at a banquet, a free-lunch coun­ ter or elsewhere. After the subject has been developed more thoroughly perhaps when we are sick we shall send for the electrician instead ef for the physician, as in the present transitory stage. Rabbi Hirsch in a sermon in New York in speaking of the modern im­ possibility of leading a private life, referred to the telephone as an inso­ lent machine which causes each pos­ sessor to belong to every other person who also has one. The telephcue un­ doubtedly is a nuisance in many ways, but that its benefits more than com­ pensate for its disadvantage* is proved by the fact that people have it in their homes. There is no law com­ pelling a man to have one of the "in­ solent machines" put in for the ex­ clusive benefit of his friends. A surgical experimenter at the Rockefeller Institute for Medical Re- ,,, aearch has successfully transplanted kidneys from one animal into an- y Other, and the president of the insti­ tute predicts that this will be fol- lowed before long by the trailer of Tltaljorgans from the lower animals to 9MU». But, asks the Baltimore Ameri- | ; *fm anxiously, what effect will it have ;i'; man to be provided with a f# ine or , " m canine heart or a rabbit's liver? Will he become "catty" or white liv- ered? Beware of the surgeon who Irishes to tamper with your vitals. Quits Pulpit to Fight Saloons. Cleveland, O.--Rev. Charles M. Car­ roll, pastor of the Howe Avenue Con­ gregational church, tendered his resig­ nation Sunday to accepVthe superin- tendency of the anti-saloon league in the Pittsburg district. Mr. Carroll's headquarters will be in Pittsburg. Big Shipbuilders Suspend. Sunderland, England.--The big ship­ building syndicate of Sir James Laing & Son has suspended. The yards of the syndicate at Sunderland and Dept- ford employad 5,000 mep. Wild Horses to Be Killed. Reno, Nev.--The forestry depart­ ment has issued orders to the rangers on the Toelyabe, Toquima and Monitor reserves in Lander county to kill on sight all wild horses found on the gov­ ernment domain. There are about 15,000 wild horses on the reserve. ITS AN ILL WIND--" £ ± 0 / t s S BOY TRAMPS HOLD MEETING EXCLUDED BY HOBOES, THE LADS HAVE OWN CONVENTION. "Kids" from Various Cities Tell Their Experiences and Give Advice to Others. DENIES THAT HE RAN AWAY. St. Louis. -- Boy tramps who were drawn here by the national con­ vention of the unemployed, now In session, and who were not permitted in the councils, which were limited to "hoboes," held a meeting Friday at which addresses were made by men of reputation among the wanderers. "Kansas City Kid" was the guest of honor, because his "moniker" (mono­ gram) is on more water tanks than that of any other traveler, and short speeches, brimful of advice, were de­ livered by other well-known tramps. "New Haven Kid" contrasted condi­ tions in the east and west and said bis experience had been that a tramp is more liable to arrest in the • east than the west. "Kid Murphy" of Springfield, 111,, advised against the use of "white line" (alcohol and wa­ ter), saying it caused many hold-ups. "Jersey Red," who recently returned from Africa, advised tramps to keep away from the sea, because they had to work hard on ships. "Chi Kid Vi," with pathos in his voice, told of 22 ar­ rests in two months and advised the boys never to get off trains in front of station?, and rccitcd the auva,utages of a "good front." "Gen." J. S. Coxey urged the tramps to settle down that they might be voters by the tifne his t>ill came up in congress. Rev. John Kills and Dr. Reitman, who styles himself "King of Tramps," also spoke, urging the tramps to be­ come "hoboes" and seek after work. YARMOUTH MARRIAGE ANNULLED Alice Thaw Freed from Earl by Brit­ ish Divorce Court. London.--Sir Birrell Barnes, pres­ ident of the divorce court Wednes­ day granted the countess of Yarmouth, who was Miss Alice Thaw, of Pitts­ burg, a decree nullifying her marriage to the earl of Yarmouth. The case was heard in private. At the time fixed for the commencement of the proceedings every one not actually engaged on the case was excluded from the court room. The case was practically undefended, and the hear­ ing lasted for only half an hour. The countess, attired in a fashionable black gown, was present, but the earl of Yarmouth was not in court. The earl of Yarmouth did not de­ fend the case, his lawyer satisfying himself with pointing out that the evi­ dence of the doctor removed any stig­ ma placed upon the earl by the evi­ dence of the plaintiff and that there was no ground upon which the countess could have sued for divorce. The judge pronounced his decree, an­ nulling the marriage without comment. In the ordinary course of events It will be made absolute in six months. No mention was made oj a marriage settlement, and it was learned from an authoritative Bource that, contrary to certain published statements, the question of revising the settlement has not been discussed by the principals or their solicitors and that it is not likely to be discussed. The brevity of the proceedings came as a surprise to everybody except those engaged on the case. C. W. Morse Interviewed on Boartf the Campania. Queenstown.--A correspondent of the Associated Press Friday nighl boarded the Cunard line steamei Campania and found Charles W.. Morse of New York in the smoking room enjoying a game of cards. Without a moment's hesitation Mr. Morse granted an interview to th« correspondent. He was shown extracts from Lon HTJ/QPSJS. don papers referring to him as having fled from his creditors, etc. Mr. Mors* said there was absolutely nothing in these reports, saying they were "New York sensationals." He added that he had sent cable dispatches to New York concerning his position and that he would rectify matters when he re­ turned there after about ten days. HITCHCOCK TAFT'S MANAGER. First Assistant Postmaster Will Resign Soon. General Washington. -- Announcement was made Friday of the approaching re­ tirement from the postal service of Frank H. Hitchcock, first assistant pastmaster general. Mr. Hitchcock will assume the management of the campaign of Secretary Taft for the Re­ publican nomination to the presidency. The exact date of the retirement has not been determined definitely, but It probably will be about February 15. Mr. Hitchcock will be succeeded as first assistant postmaster general by Dr. Charles P. Grandfield, who, for a little more than two years, has been chief of the bureau over which Mr. Hitchcock presides. Dr. Grandfield has been actively identified with the postal service for about 20 years and is widely known and highly esteemed, personally and officially. Kills His Wife and Himself. Richmond, Ky.--Elvin Newby, a prominent farmer of Valley View, 12 miles from here, shof and killed his wife, and then committed suicide Sun­ day. Arkansas Bank Safe Cracked. Sulphur Springs, Ark--Four men early Sunday morning blew open the vault of the Bank of Sulphur Springs and secured $1,300 in cash, beside notes and other valuables. The bank was wrecked and the vault destroyed. Woman Attorney Wins Case. St. Paul, Minn --Miss Elsie Wil­ liams, the first woman attorney who ever pleaded before the supreme court of Minnesota, won her case Friday when the supreme court affirmed the judgment of the Ramsey county dis­ trict court in the proceedings for con­ tempt brought against Robert C. Hoi- bert. The case Involved a judgment given for the defendant in an action brought by the receiver appointed in supplementary proceedings. Holbert was charged with contempt, but the lower court dismissed the proceedings. May Move Thaw to Poughkeepsie. Flshkill Landing. -- With the pur­ pose of seeking an asylum more congenial to Harry Thaw than Mattefc- wan state hospital, where he is now under observation, Mrs. Evelyn Nesbit Thaw and Daniel O'Reilly,, one of Thaw's counsel, will inspect the insane asylum in Poughkeepsie next Monday. Mrs. Thaw and Mr. O'Reilly visited Thaw Friday, when the contemplated visit to Poughkeepsie was discussed. Negro Lynched in Louisiana. Delhi, La.--Robert Mitchell, colored, an alleged murderer, was taken from a deputy sheriff by a mob at Oakgrove, near here, Thursday afternoon and lynched. A rope was placed around the negro's neck and he waB hanged to a railroad water tank. Yonkers Editor Is Dead. New York.--John W. Oliver, editor and principal owner of the Yonkers Statesman, died at his home in Yonkers Sunday at the age of 92. He with his brother, Isaac Oliver, founded the Sons of Temperance. Funeral of Col. Thomas G. Lawler. Rockford, 111.--Funeral services for Col. Thomas G. Lawler, past com­ mander-in-chief of the G. A. R., were held Thursday afternoon, and were at­ tended.By, a great throng. AM, busi­ ness throughout the city was suspend­ ed during the services. Grand Army posts from northern Illinois and south­ ern Wisconsin cities were present, as were many men prominent In public life. Nevius post, No. 1, of which Col. Lawler was commander, conducted the burial service at Cedar Bluff, in the sresence of thousands of people.- Copenhagen Bank Suspends. Copenhagen.--Owing to recent heavy withdrawals the Copenhagen Free­ holders' bank has temporarily suspend­ ed payments. The bank's capital Is about $5,000,000. Great Explosion In Antwerp. Antwerp.--The big naphtha reser­ voir here of the American Petroleum company exploded Wednesday with a great roar. The flames were cpnflned to the immediate neighborhood. There were no casualties. Peoria Man Buys Springfield News. Peoria, 111.--Charles H. May, pub­ lisher of the Peoria Herald-Transcript, has acquired the controlling interest of the Springfield Evening News. Mr. May will continue to publish both pa per®. WOE8 OP THE QUERY EDITOR. LHtia Wonder the Poor Man la Gray ^ Before Hie Time. The "Answeris to Correspondents" man, feverishly rumpling the hair that his duties had too soon made gray, tossed a letter on the table. "An ex-widow of 30," he groaned, "says she loves her second husband better than her first. She wants to know if this is wicked or un-Chris- tian." He sneered and ripped open another letter. Then he said: "A Methodist minister has too large a nose. What is he to do? What, in­ deed ?" He read a third letter. "Here's a girl," he said, "who wants to know in what winter resort hotel she will meet the largest number of eligible bachelors." "Reggie," he went on, "asks me the best way to avoid the effects of heavy drinking. I'll tell him, I suppose, to avoid heavy drinking. " 'Is it possible,' Charles inquires, 'to tell when a black man blushes?' "So the questions go, ten or twelve of them a day. Is it any wonder I am gray before my time?" The First Advertiser. The author looked up from the first chapter of his mammoth history of advertising. "I wonder," he murmured, "who could have been the first manufacturer to advertise? It is an item that would fit in well here." "There is no extant data on the sub­ ject," said the farmer, "but I have every reason to believe that the hen Is the person you are looking for." PURE FOOD. No Food Commissioner of Any State Has Ever Attacked the Absolute Purity of Grape-Nuts. Every analysis undertaken shows this food to be made strictly of Wheat and Barley, treated by our processes to partially transform the starch parts Into a form of Sugar, and there­ fore much easier to digest. Our claim that it is a "Food for Brain and Nerve Centres" is based upon the fact that certain parts of Wheat and Barley (which we use) con­ tain Nature's brain and nerve-building ingredients, viz.: Phosphate of Pot­ ash, and the way we prepare the food makes it easy to digest and assimilate. Dr. Geo. W. Carey in his book on The Biochemic System of Medicine" says: "When the medical profession fully understands the nature and range of the phosphate of potassium, insane asylums will no longer be needed. "The gray matter of the brain is controlled entirely by the inorganic cell-salt, potassium phosphate. "This salt unites with albumen, and by the addition of oxygen creates nerve- fluid, or the gray matter of the brain. "Of course, there is a trace of other salts and other organic matter in nerve-fluid, but potassium phosphate is the chief factor, and has the power within itself to attract, by its own law of affinity, all things needed to manu­ facture the elixir of life. Therefore, when nervous symptoms arise, due to the fact that the nerve-fluid has been exhausted from any cause, the phos­ phate of potassium is the only true remedy, because nothing else can possibly supply the deficiency. "The ills arising from too rapidly consuming the gray matter of the brain cannot be overestimated. "Phosphate of Potash, is to my mind, the most wonderful curative agent ever discovered by man, and the blessings it has already conferred on the race are many. But 'what shall the harvest be' when physicians everywhere fully understand the part this wonderful salt plays In the processes of life? It will do as much as can be done through physiology to make a heaven on earth. "Let the overworked business man take it and go home good-tempered. Let the weary wife, nerves unstrung from attending to sick children or en­ tertaining company, take it and note how quickly the equilibrium will be restored and calm and reason assert her throne. No 'provings' are required here. We find this potassium salt largely predominates in nerve-fluid, and that a deficiency produces well- defined symptoms. The beginning and end of the matter Is to supply the lacking principle, and in molecular form, exactly as nature furnishes it in vegetables, fruits and grain. To sup ply deficiencies--this is the only law of cure." Please observe that Phosphate ol Potash is not properly of the drug- shop variety but is best prepared by "Old Mother Nature" and stored in the grains ready for use by mankind. Those who have been helped to better health by the use of Grape-Nuts are legion. "There's a Reason." BRAIN POWER Increased by Proper Feeding. A lady writer who not only has done good literary work, but reared a fam­ ily, found In Grape-Nuts the ideal food for brain work and to develop healthy children. She writes: "I am an enthusiastic proclaimer of Grape-Nuts as a regular diet. I for­ merly had no appetite in the morning and for 8 years while nursing my four children, had insufficient nourishment for them. "Unable to eat breakfast I felt faint later, and would go to the pantry and eat cold chops, sausage, cookies, doughnuts or anything I happened to find. Being a writer, at times my head felt heavy and my brain asleep. "When I read of Grape-Nuts I began eating it every morning, also gave it to the children, Including my 10 months old baby, who soon grew aa fat as a little pig, good natured and contented. "I wrote evenings and feeling the need of sustained brain power, began eating a small saucer of Grape-Nuts ^lth milk, instead of my usual indi­ gestible hot pudding, pie, or cake for dessert at night. "I grew plump, nerves atrong, and when I wrote my brain was active and clear; Indeed, the dull head pain ne"*er returned." POSTUM CEREAL CO., Ltd. Battle Creek. Mich. "THE GREAT CENTRAL MARKET" § HHH fit Income afforded by the ™1£0 five-year securities of Km the 7 • •••I •••> Mb Jttk. • 4% Urt l l tU UA5 f t ELECTRIC CO. of New Albany and jeffei sf nville, Indiana. Serving 50.000 people. Ntt earnings t.iree times interest charges. Denominations $100, $500 and $1,000 S ? I - b o n d s s o l d . I n t e r e s t p a i d e v e r y s i x mouths ?Chicago Banks . TROWBRIDGE & NIVER GO. MUNICIPAL BONDS Flrtt lathmal Bank Bldg., CHICAGO. Ttktfiwt. Central H«3. Fill cut and return this t:outon to-day. TROWBRIDGE & NIVER CO. First Bank Bldg., Chicago. III. Please send Illustrated description of Gas Hei-url- tlee yielding 7 per cent. . City. * BUY OF OWNERS DIRECT Joo.oooacresof choicest prairie land in Texas at fio to $15 per acre. Join our next excursion Tuesday, February 18th, private car, board and sleeper $2 per day, a most delightful trip. Write us. NORTH WEST LAND & TRUST CO. 030 MonadaocJt Block, Chicago, IU. ID. M, BELL & CO., Brokers I 216 LA SALLE ST. Ground Floor CHICAGO STOCKS, GRAIN. PROVISIONS Private Wires New York, Boston. Bisbee, Utah, Nevada, Listed and Curb, Bought and Sold $30.oo PER ACRE lor North Texas banner corn and wheat lands Is a bargain price to Northern Farmers. Send for free booklet. Texas Farm Land Company, 277 Dearborn Street, Chicago, Illinois. JACKSON" 1908 9880 All Style $1250 >2000 GOOD AGENTS WRITE EALPH TEMPLE AUTOMOBILE CO. 1220 Michigan Avenue, Chicago FREE--42 PIECE Monogram Dinner Set 1 aiii iK-w di»4rihut;ii- e:;.•>.•»]><ioiy free 42-piepe Monogram Dinoer Seta, fnll six© pieces, rose &nd jas­ mine designs, gold traced and initial of owner on every piece, except cups aad saucers. Jusisend me your natno and I will tell you how jou can pet this matrnffioent set free. Write todnv while the? last. B. DIGRAM, M*r, 120 Citato* Street, Dept. 7000 Chic&jjo. FOR SALE First class stock and grain farm of 3U0 acres, 75 miles west of Chicago. Good buildings, pasture, water and roads: free delivery and telephone. YV. ti. BENNETT, »18 I.H Halle 8t., Chicago. Producer of All Things LAND Before buying a farm send for our list of farms ami plan­ tations. ALABAMA LAND & LUMBER COMPANY, Room 902--185 Dearborn Street, Chicago, III. LIVE STOCK AND CI Cf*TDnTVDC^ MI S C E L L A N E O U S K.LEt# 1 ni l I I r k O In i?reat variety for sale at tiie lowest prli-es l>y 1 A. S. KKLLOtil* NKtYSI'AJ'Ul 10., JS V.. Atlniub Si., (iiicagu Colonial Trust & Savings Bank CHICAGO Offers unusual facilities to out of town customers. Make our Bank your home while in the city. CAPITAL AND SURPLUS $1,100,000 Corner Adams and La Salle Streets. IRRIGATED FRUIT LANDS Those lands are within u?n miles of the city of Spokane, having two steam railroads and one elec­ tric line through the tract; also telephone servic® and free mail doliverv. Perfect water right and ^twenty feet of soil. Will pay in excess of $500 per acre in apples. Will grow all other fruits, vege­ tables, grains, etc. Spokane with 100.000 people- affords good home market. Ten ucres.is enough for one family. You can live on the land and grow vegetables or work in Spokane until your orcoant gears. Mild winters and bright sunshine. HARRY L. IKW IN, 110 Mooroe 8t., Chicago* Important to You Why not stop at the Hyde Park Hotel wh< n in Chicago? It overlooks the lake. 10 min­ utes south of center on I.C.R.R. Fire proof, snarble office.high ceiled dining room. Be^i "r table and service, and all for Si.50, a few rooms for $2 per day, American plan, Si Kuropean. This ad. for your benefit. Try Telephone. !H>de Park 530. Foi iiimous and delicious candies and chocolates, write to the maker for cat­ alog, wholesale or retail. Gunther** Confectionery 212 Slate Street. Chicago. IU. Can You Sell Land? We have a few thousand acres rainfall lands in Eastern Colorado selling from 112 to &!5 per acre. We pay (rood commission to jrood agents. Ask GEO. OKI), 277 Dearborn Street, Chicago, 111a. AS YET UNKNOWN TO FAME. Can Any One Place This Quotation from Philosopher? Louis Jones of the Grand opera house had the blues. His brother, a colored man, usually in good humor, had 'em, too. Neither knew just why he had 'em, but they had 'em' just the same. They talked of the weather, the times and a dozen other gloomy subjects. There was nothing sunny in the soul of a patron or a barker. Finally both sighed in concert and a silence fell over the shop--yes, over a barber shop. The colored man was the first to speak. After several mo­ ments of silence he gave vent to an­ other sigh and said: "Well, as de old philosopah says: *Ef yo' ain't got nothin,' now's yo' time.'" Jones is still wondering who the philosopher was.--Indianapolis News. ANOTHER NARROW-MINDED MAN. De Quiz--What do you call good winter weather? De Whiz--Weather cold enough to make a man's wife think her own fire­ side a better, place than a matinee. Laundry work at home would be much more satisfactory if the right Starch were used. In order to get the desired stiffness, it is usually neces­ sary to use so much starch that the beauty and fineness of the fabric is hidden behind a paste of varying thickness, which not only destroys the appearance, but also affects the wear­ ing quality of the goods. This trou­ ble can be entirely overcome by using Defiance Starch, as it can be applied much more thinly because of its great­ er strength than other makes. This Cold World of Business. The messenger boys paused outside the Army building, says the New York Sun. One of them was selecting a cigarette from a box. "Gimme one," said the smokeless boy. "Naw," said the other, "they cost money." "I'll owe you a cent," said the boy. "Come on, I'll pay you after." "They cost more than a cent," said the boy with the cigarettes. Nothin doin\ Your credit ain't no good." And they parted. The extraordinary popularity of fine white goods this summer makes the choice of Starch a matter of great im­ portance. Defiance Starch, being free from all injurious chemicals, is the only one which is safe to use on fine fabrics. Its great strength as a stifTen- er makes half the usual quantity of Starch necessary, with the result of perfect finish, equal to that when the goods were new. The Prevailing Excuse. "Jedge," said the prisoner, who had( been caught with a chicken in a sack, "you oughter go easy with me." "Why? You stole the hen." . "I admits it, jedge; I admits it," re­ sponded the prisoner. "But it'B sol­ emn truf dat hen jest seemed to be my aflln'.ty; yes, sab!" STILL HAD USE FOR BOOTS. Kafir's Newly-Acquired Treasure Put to Queer Use. An«army officer in charge of a na­ tive district in South Africa presented to the kafir boy who acted as his par­ ticular servant a pair of strong, heavi­ ly nailed army »boots. The boy was delighted with the gift, and at once sat down and put the boots on. They were the very first pair he had ever had in his life, and for several days afterward he strut­ ted proudly about the camp with them. But at^the end of the week he ap- nred as usual with bare feet and the ts tied round his neck. - "Hello!" said his roaster. "Why don't you wear your boots? Are they to small for you?" "Oh, no, sah," replied the kafir, "they plenty big. Berry nice boots, sah, but no good for walking or run­ ning. Make um fellah too much slow, sah. Keep boots now for wear in bed."--London Answers. The Simple Life. Abe, a light mulatto, called upon a minister for whom he had formerly worked. "Yo* know, boss, I'se gwine be mar­ ried nex' week," he admitted halting­ ly, according to Lippincott's Maga­ zine. "I'se gwine to marry Miss May Felicity Johnson, an' May she say she wants ter be married jus' like white folks." "All right, Abe, I'll marry you if you want," the minister replied. "How much you gwine charge?" "It will cost you $5 to be married like white folks." Abe scratched his head. "Guess we'll hab ter be married like colored folks, then," he said. "You see, boss, we's goin' to housekeepin', an' I ain't got but $8." That's All. Edward Payson Weston, the veteran walker, talked regretfully in Chicago about walking's decay. "Pedestrian- ism," he said, "has died out shocking­ ly. A little boy said to me the other day: 'What is a pedestrian?' I an­ swered truly enough: 'Oh, he's just one of those fellows who kick up a row when an automobile runs them down.' " Starch, like everything else,' is be­ ing constantly improved, the patent Starches put on the market 25 years ago are very different and inferior to those of the present day. In the lat­ est discovery--Defiance Starch--all in­ jurious chemicals are omitted, while the addition of another ingredient, in­ vented by us, gives to the Starch a strength and smoothness never ap­ proached by other brands. The Philosopher's Wife. "The greater sum of woman's happi­ ness," remarked the homegrown phil­ osopher, "is made up of trifles." "That may explain why the aver­ age woman stakes her chances of do­ mestic happiness on a trifling man," rejoined the philosophy dispenser'* wife. With a smooth iron and Defiance Starch, you can launder youi shirt­ waist just as well at hotne as the steam laundry can; it will have the proper stiffness and flnish, there will be less wear and tear of the goods, and it will be a positive pleasure to use a Starch that does not stick to the iron. f Took Two to Beat Her. > Timkins--Your wife seems to be quite a fluent talker. Simkins--You bet she is. I never knew her to be outtalked but once. Timkins--Indeed! Simkins--Yes; and then it took two other women to do It.