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GOVERNESS AND GUEST W E L L S Br JULIA <C«P5 M.) The Mortons secured a governess for their children as the crowding achievement of the Influx of gold that was pouring Into their coffers. When Mrs. Morton engaged a lady's ftmld and Mrs. Morton procured for himself a valet they thought, with a butler and footman and maid ser­ vants galore, that their adjuncts were complete. But, as they pro­ gressed further into the charmed circle of society, they discovered their mistake, and the two daughters of the house soon acquired sufficient knowledge of the habits of their little world to demand release from the ministrations of nurse-maids and to request the substitution of a gov era ess. Mrs. Morton was somewhat at a loss to supply this lack of her house­ hold. though she readily perceived that It was a lack. However, the wants Oi the very rich are not long left ungratified. and when the time arrived for the annual migration to Newport, she was Justified in the complacency with which she viewed the present complete and correct es­ tablishment over which she reigned. There were still some lingering doubts in her mind as to Miss Chal- loner's status in the household. She was paid a salary, yet she could not be regarded as a servant. It was of course impossible to consider her an equal. So she had breakfast and luncheon with the family and ate a simple meal at six o'clock with her two charges, all traces of which were obliterated before Mr. and Mrs. Mor­ ton dined in state, two hours later. ] "No, never," replied Mfra Challoner i conscious that the statement would i cause her to lose caste In the Mor- j tons estimation, and wholly lndlffer- j ent- s* j "We are going*te have a young [ German gentleman with us for a few J day*. He speaks English, but no I doubt he will be glad to hear his own language again," said Mr. Morton. "I shall be glad to offer him the opportunity," said the governess, thinking that Bhe would be willing to talk to anyone for the sake of hear­ ing the tongue she loved so well. During the day there was an un­ usual stir and bustle In the house, and the lon«iy governess decidcd that the baron was to be received with much pomp and circumstance. The six o'clock supper was served some­ what hastily, and Jenkins apologized for this and the fact that he could not bs lu attendance himself, though Miss Challoner well knew that It was a duty he had assumed and which he could have relegated to one of the footmen. After she had retired to her room she heard the guest arrive and the effusive greeting he received and his cordial thanks, expressed in the crisp English the German acquire. The voice had a familiar note and recalled the days when she had believed hap- j plness to be her heritage. j "1 am growing fanciful," she 1 thought. "All Germans gpeab English ' In the same way," and she turned her attention resolutely to her book. I Descending the stairs the next morning, she saw that the family j had already congregated in the hall and was passing Into the breakfast room. But their guest had caught sight of the governess and stood mo- TO MAKE RICH BISCUIT VARIOUS RECIPES FOR THE DOUGH. MIXING A Measure of Flour, Add Salt, Baking Powder, Milk and Lard--Handle Mixture as Little as Possible --Mix With Knife. 'America seems to be peculiar In its Impromptu bakings of Parker house rolls, biscuits, and 'johnny cake/ says a recent writer, summar­ ising the experience of a round-the- world traveler with breads, brod, etc. Just why the biscuit, and particularly the baking powder biscuit, bhouid be considered such a dainty I could nev­ er understand. Perhaps it Is because It really dees require considerable skill to make It Cream biscuits were my owa first proud accoiiiplishnient, but their making was forced upon me, albeit my efforts were rewarded with a bouquet which I did not deserve, be­ cause so much had been done for me that they could not be a failure. It is easy to understand why beaten bis cuit should be considered something fine, but as for the other, It Is easy to see why the unsophisticated Eng­ lishman, accustomed to calling all forms of crackers biscuits, should not be altogether satisfied with some of i the things he gets in America called . biscuits. Hot Biscuit I.--To one pint of sift- : ed flour add a half teaspoon of salt, one teaspoon of baking powder, and i sift again. Work in very lightly with the fingers a tablespoon of lard. When j thoroughly mixed cut into It with a CLEAN THE CLOSETS REGULAR Apply White Paint With Stiff Brush --For Light Use Reflection From Mirror. A little time should he taken every cleaning day In inspecting the closets about the house that are slightly or not at all used; generally there is one under the upper stairs or over the cel­ lar steps. These closets are In most instances so dark that it is almost impossible to tell whether they are dirty or not, but It Is not hard to tell if-they need a cleaning when you try to remember the last time you gave them a thor­ ough cleaning. These forgotten clorets are breeders of disease, and they are often to be found in the very best managed house­ holds, for few housewives and still fewer maids will think of giving these dark enclosures the cleaning they need as regularly as they do the other rooms of the house. The dust might appear invisible when you are not in search of It, but If you flash a light into the low ceil- lnged apartment it does not take much Imagination to picture how amazed you will be. A remedy for this is a can of white paint and a good stout brush. Apply after a thorough cleaning out of dirt and wall paper, if there is any. For light while cleaning the place the reflection from a mirror will serve; but there will be no blind at­ tempt to find your overshoes the next rainy day if you give that closet two good coats of white lead. DOES AWAY WITH SCORCHING tlonless at the foot of the stairs. Miss uiormiginy imxeu i-m iuiu n rkit Challoner dJd not glance at him un- knife about one cup of ice cold milk. , 8 til she reached the last step, and then Roll out on a well floured board about Is see why her She was beginning to find her posi­ tion well nigh Intolerable. She was alone many hours of each day; the children were too young to be com­ panionable, and she lived through the dreary hours with a fretting of spirit that threatened to crush her youth and health. She had entered into her new role without dreaming of the petty indignities to which she would be subjected. She soon learned to avoid the guests who came and went, for they, too, belonged to the newly rich, and after first mistaking the distinguished looking governess for some member of the family they rec­ tified the blunder by ignoring, or pa­ tronizing, her. Miss Challoner checked off the days on her calendar and prayed that the return to New York might not be de­ layed beyond the original date. There, she had a few old friends who gladly claimed her leisure hours, who Pctteo her and made much of her. August arrived and found her still at her post, rebellious in spirit, but outwardly calm. As she entered the breakfast room one morning, she became aware of an excitement in the usually rather heavy atmosphere. One of the chil­ dren forgot the morning salutation In her keeness to Impart the inter­ esting news. Miss Challoner," she cried, "we going to have a real baron visit us." Are you, Kitty?" said the amused Miss Challoner, thinking of the harons and sons of b&rons, all barons themselves, that she had known in the happy years, she had spent in Germany. "But aren't you excited, Miss Chal toner?" un?ed Marlon. Mr. Morton frowned at his daugh­ ter. "You speak German, do you not, Miss Challoner?" he Interposed. Yes,' answered the governess, "you know I was in school In Ger­ many for several years." 'Did you have a governess, like •s?" asked Kittj. Be still, Kitty," said her father. "But, didn't you?" asked Marion she raised her eyes to progress was barred. "Herr von Lutzen," she exclaimed, turning white. "Miss Challoner, ach, have I found you at last," cried the baron, in a rapturous voice. He seized her hands and lifted first one and then the other to his lips, while the assembled Mortons stood transfixed with aston­ ishment. "It is very good to see you again, baron," 6aid Miss Challoner, then, turning toward the amazed family she said quietly, "Breakfast Is wait­ ing for us. Afterward, you will tell me about Minna and all the dear friends?" Herr von Lutzen turned toward his hostess. "Is It not wonderful," he said, "to find this gracious young lady under your roof? Ach. we have tried so hard to find her, my sister and I, but no one would tell us, and she would not write." He turned to Miss Challoner. "Minna has so grieved for you, and the second baby--" "Is there a second?" asked Miss Challoner, eagerly. "Named for you, ach, yes, and no way to tell you." "And Johann permitted Minna to name her baby for me?" the govern­ ess said, happily. "But yes, he was always so pleased with your friendship for his Minna." After the meal was over Miss Chal­ loner withdrew with her charges, saying that she would Bee Herr vou Lutzen again. "I do not understand," said Herr von Lutzen, turning to Mrs. Morton. Miss Challoner, she teaches your children?" he inquired. "Yes, baron, she is their govern­ ess," answered his hostess. "But again I do not understand. It is not of necessity?" "I really do not know, baron, but I have no reason to think otherwise," replied the surprised Mrs, Morton. "Then that explains everything," exclaimed Herr von Lutzen, joyous­ ly; "that Is why Bhe disappeared. Gracious lady, I must see her--for­ give me, will you not? You see, you understand? I loved her so dearly, and then she vanished." It would never have occurred to Mrs. Morton to deny anything to a baron, so she led the way to the schoolroom, and then withdrew with the children. | "Margaret," said the impetuous lover, rushing toward her and seizing her hands, "it was the money, the wretched money, was it not, you had i not ceased to care? Don't tell me you ran away because the love had fled." j Miss Challoner shook her head. "I couldn't stay; all our money was gone. I could not come to you with­ out a dowry." j "You can come to me without any- I thing but love, If you care for me, that is all I ask," and he looked < anxiously In her eyes. I "Fritz," she said softly, "do you really want to marry a poor Amer­ ican girl?" "I want to marry you," said the baron, and clasped Mrs. Morton's governess in his arms. three-fourths of an inch thick and cut wiih biscuit cutter. Bake in hot oven. The secret of good biscuit is to have the dough very soft, to handle it as little as possible, and to bake in a very quick oven. Hot Biscuits II --One quart ot flour a pinch of salt, two tablespoons of lard, two teaspoons of baking powder. , Wet up with cold water, roll out soft- | ly an inch thick, and bake in quick oven Riscnits mndp with lard and water are much lighter and better than when butter is used. ! Quick Biscuit --Two cups of flour, one-half teaspoon of salt, three table- j spoons of lard, three teaspoons of i baking powder, one cup of water. Sift all the dry ingredients into a bowl and rub the lard lightly through them. Stir in the water, drop the dough Into greased gem pans, and bake In a quick oven. I Emergency Biscuit I.--Two cups of flour, four teaspoons of baking pow­ der, one-half teaspoon of salt, two tablespoons of snowdrift, one cup of I milk. Mix shortening with flour to which salt and baking powder have j been added. Add milk. Drop mixture j from spoon, allowing about one ta­ blespoon to each biscuit. Bake 20 minutes In moderate oven. This , makes from 12 to 14 biscuits. Emergency Biscuit II.--Two cups of flour, four teaspoons of baking pow- j der, one-half teaspoon of salt, two tablespoons of butter, one-half cup of milk, one-half cup of water. Sift dry ' Ingredients, cut In butter, add milk and water gradually. Drop mixture ' In greased muffin tins and bake In a 1 hot oven 12 minutes. Guaranteed to Prevent Food From Burning. The most careful of cooks with the many different viands In the course of preparation under her eyes will slip up occasionally and relax her vigilance for a second when some one of the articles on the stove Is touched by the finger of fire. Scorched food Is one of ! the most inexcusable offenses of the cook. A simple piece of apparatus to 1 prevent this mishap has been devised, i It consists of a .metal afTair resem­ bling an Inverted pieplate, generously perforated with small holes. This rests , on the bottom of the kettle and ef­ fectually prevents the contents from coming into contact with the over­ heated bottom. © Sure Sign. Mrs. Nurich--My husband thinks our position In society Is now as­ sured. Mrs. Uppson--Indeed! Mrs. Nurich--Yes. He has quit h?r- lng a dress suit and Is having one made to orjier. MORE THAN HE EXPECTED Shabby Man Asked for Money to Buy Tobacco and Received a Num­ ber of Packages. On his way home Wednesday even­ ing City Wire Inspector Buzard was ac- soeted by a shabbily dressed man Who asked for a dime. "I'll tell you the truth," the man •aid, "I want to buy a package of smoking tobacco." "Here you are," the inspector re­ plied. "I Just happen to have a Package with me. Does JOUT brother •moke?" "Somewhat surprised, the man an­ swered: "Yes, sir; sure he does." "The inspector handed over another package. ffl ? "Have you got two brothers ?" ; The man grinned and nodded. ' *JHere are a couple of packages for year other brothers, here's one for jftoar cousins, two or three for your Nteiions and one for good measure." And as fast as he could get them out mt his pockets the Inspector handed the man a number of small packages. "Before I forget It," he said In con­ clusion, 'here's one for your grand­ mother" To the astonished group of bystand­ ers who had stopped to watch the in­ cident the wire inspector afterward explained that an advertising man had given him a big supply of samples, and that he had been waiting for a good chance to distribute them.-- Youngstown Telegram. In preparing eggplant press It under water instead of just salting, as Is cus­ tomary. This prevents the vegetable from turning black and keeps it much crisper. Tomatoes cannot be cooked In a hurry. If you cannot give them at least a#i hour, preferably two, do with­ out them for that time. They will taste raw and offend the palate of one who knows how they shQuld taste. Never use sand soap on a porcelain- lined tub or washstand. There Is no surer way to ruin the enamel. What's the UBe of soap? It means only extra work, and here is always the coal oil rag, which Is better. Lamp chimneys can be quickly cleaned by holding the hand over one end and putting the other end over the spout of a simmering teakettle. Rub at once with a smooth cloth or tissue paper. Mahogany and other hard woods can be kept in good condition by wip­ ing off with a chamois skin wrung from cold water and Immediately pol­ ishing with a dry piece of fhamols. In making a boiled icing the secret of success lies In taking ofT exactly at the right moment. A better test than spinning a heavy thread is to drop some of the syrup into cold wa­ ter, and when It adheres to the bot­ tom of glass when pulled up it must be taken off at once. Cornmeal and Meat Loaf. Get two pounds of soup meat, with the soup bone, and after the soup has been made remove all the meat and chop it fine. Then take about a quart of the souji and reduce it slightly with hot water, then add sufficient cornmeal to make a rather thick mush. Cook the meal thoroughly, and when almost done, add the chopped meat, with a little salt, pepper and two tea- spoonfuls of grated onion. Stir the mixture frequently to prevent catch­ ing or burning. When done, pour In a pan to harden. Cut in slices and serve like a beef loaf. Little Aids to Housekeeping. Linseed oil and vinegar, mixed In equal parts, will do wonders In clean ing furniture. Silver Inkstands stained with ink may be cleaned by applying a little chloride of lime with water. Pewter articles should be washed In hot water with the fine silver sand and then polished wit.h leather. If a skirt or any other article has been scorched In Ironing lay It where the sun will fall directly on it. Braised Onions. Four Spanish onions, two sheep's kidneys, one cupful of brown gravy and seasoning of salt and pepper. Wipe and skin the kidneys, th^n slice them finely, and season with salt and pep­ per. Peel the onions, scoop out the center portion and fill with the kid­ neys. Place them in a saucepan, add the gravy and cook slowly for about two hours. Serve on a hot dish, with the sauce poured over. Bamberries. One egg, well beaten, one cup ral sins, seeded and chopped, two-thirds cup sugar, one-half cracker rolled fine, juice of one lemon, butter size of wal­ nut melted. Mix in order given. Now have ready good tender pie crust, roll thin, cut out with cookie cutter, put a small spoonful of the mixture in each round, wet the edges, fold over in form of turnovers. Bake. TMs will make most two dozen. It Depends. Seymour--Is Dunrunley what you would call a social man? Ashley--social? What do you mean by that? Seymour--Why, I mean does he call on his friends often? ABhley--Well, that depends OD whether they owe him money or h« owes them. Sweet Pickled Apples. A delicious pickle is this, made from sweet applee: Cut in halves through the Btem, leaving the core in and the skin on. Put three cloves on each half as In pickling peaches, then make a sirup, allowing for every six pounds of apples three pounds of sugar and a pint of vinegar. Add a lew cassia buds or pieces of stick cinnamon, put the fruit In and cook it until it can be pierced with a splint. Pack the applee in Jars, cook the sirup a little longer until thicaened and pour over the fruit A Hazardous Role. "Did you have any thrilling expert ences In the Alps, Mr. Pumper?" "Oh, yes, Miss Plumper. On one oo- casion I was forced to act as the chauffeur on a snowslide." 8teamed Pudding. One cup molasses, one cup sour milk, three cups flour, one cup raisins, one- half cup flour, one teaspoonful soda, one teaspoonful Bait; steam two and one-half hours. Sauce for steam pud­ ding: Two tablespoonfuls butter and two tablespoonfuls hot water; stir In pulverized sugar and beat till as stiff desired and Berve on pudding. To Brighten a Cut-Steel Buckle. To clean and brighten cut-wteel buckle and buttons, obtain a little un­ slaked lime or powdered pumice stone and apply it with a soft brush. Rub briskly and the articles will soon ap­ pear as bright as when new. If they are kept in a box In which is stored a little powdered lime there will be no further trouble with them tarnishing. Corn Fritters. Slit and cut the corn from four large, firm ears; mix a thin batter of one cup milk, one egg, two-thirds cup sifted flour and one teaspoon of yeast powder and a little salt; stir the corn luto this batter, and fry a nice brown In drippings or butter; butter Is best. Berve very hot. CARE OF THE FLOORS VARIOUS 'SUBSTANCES MAY BS USED FOR POLISHING THEM. Water Should Bs Employed Sparingly, As It Will Cause the Wood to Expand--Oil and Wax Con­ sidered the Best. If one has been so fortunate as to secure a hardwood floor, the Intelligent care of it becomes a V#rv important matter and one which is not particu­ larly difficult if a little thought and attention are given to the subject. Various materials are employed for this purpose, but the processes are all *!ml!ar, namely, that of rubbing the surface with some sort of an oil or wax. In general, It Is a safe rule nev­ er to apply water to the surface of a nice floor, at least not In sufficient quantities to wet the fiber of the wood to any extent, because all wood, even oak, Is susceptible to moslture and to the extent to which the fibers expand they will dry afterwards -and gradu­ ally cracks will appear in the boards. If something has been spilled on the floor BO that It is absolutely necessary to wash it, this should be done with a cloth wrung out of water. For the most part, however, oil and wax in some form are the proper cleaning and polishing mediums. It. is said that equal parts of sweet oil, tiypentine and vinegar, well mixed and well rub­ bed Into the floor with cotton or wool­ en rags, is a highly successful method of treating a polished oak floor. The acid In the vinegar cuts the dirt and grime that works into It from shoes, the sweet oil gives a luster and the turpentine dries It. There are any number of articles on the market that are advertised for this purpose, and some of them ATP very effective. TT» testing any new brand of wax or other application, it is well to try it first of all on a small portion of the floor In some Inconspicuous part of the room. A weighted brush Is a great advan­ tage, though more or less expensive. A piece of plank covered with Brus­ sels carpet is not a bad substitute. The above-named mixture does not need to be applied to the floor oftener than once a month, ana about once a year a coat of good floor wax should be well rubbed into the floor. The application of varnish to a hard wood floor Is a modern method of fin­ ishing. The old time method being that of rubbing them with wax, and a very beautiful surface may be thus produced, provided the floor has first had a thorough coating with a paste filler which fills up every pore and crack and makes a perfectly smooth surface. ONIONS A LA JULIENNE Spanish Kind Are Considered the Best When Made In This Style. Peel some Spanish onions and put them In enough cold water to cover them, bring to the boil, then take up, pour a little cold water over them and let them drain; then put them into a saucepan with two heaping tablespoon­ fuls of butter, two or three slices of carrots and turnips, a bunch of herbs, and eight whole peppers; cover the onions with a buttered paper, put the lid on the pan and fry for 15 minutes; then add one cupful of stock and braise them In the oven for about three hours, adding more stock as that In the pan reduces; when cooked, dish up the onions, and garnish the top with julienne shaped vegetables and chopped parsley; remove the fat from the braising gravy; mix with it two tablespoonfuls of brown sauce, and boll these up together, then pour round the onions. Metalllo Trimmings. Gold and silver are used lavishly in all forms of trimming--buttons, pas­ sementeries, applique embroideries, laces, etc, but, as a rule, these metal­ lic trimmings are In the soft, dull tones and achieve richness and beauty without being garish or barbaric. There are beautiful heavy silver and gold laces, crocheted by hand after the fashion of the Irish lace, and oth­ ers fine and thin as spider web. Deep lace flouncing, with gold or silver net top is made with enough to form an entire skirt, and the chantilly and alencon meshes and designs are clev­ erly reproduced. Fried Egg Plant. One egg plan«, two eggs, half a cup of milk, flour for thin batter, salt and fat for frying. Slice and pare each slice. Lay in salt and water one hour; dry between two towels and dip each slice in a batter made of the materials above given. Fry in hot fat to a good brown. Drain well, put a spoon of grape jelly on each slice after serving, if liked. Marguerite*. Beat two eggs slightly. Add one cup brown sugar, one-half cup flour mixed with one-fourth teaspoon baking powder, one-third teaspoon salt, one cup pecan nut meats, cut In small pieces. Fill small buttered tins two- thirds full of mixture and place pecan nut meats on each. Bake In a mod­ erate oven IS minutes. To Hang Out the Winter Washing. A good way to save ywurself and handkerchiefs In freezing weather Is to get a line long eLough for the amount you have In wash, pin hand­ kerchiefs on line while In the laundry, carry line on yard, and hang on hooks. When dry take line from hooks, carry to laundry and remove clothespins. Corned Beef. Heat the meat In cold water. When at the boiling point drain, add fresh boiling water and keep the pot at the side of the fire where the water will barely bubble. One hour for each pound Is none too much and a longer time will not be a disadvantage. Bananas on Half Shell. Trim ends of bananas, spilt length­ wise without removing skins; mark sections crosswise with a knife, and squeeze a little lemon juice over them, and sprinkle with sugar. Serve on a lettuce leaf and garnish with slices of lemon. Nice for breakfast. Scrambled Mutton. Two cups of chopped cold mutton, two tablespoonfuls of hot water and a piece of butter as large as an English walnut. When the meat is hot, break In three eggs and constantly stir until the eggs begin to stiffen. Season with pepper and salt SCIENCE IN FENCE POSTS Now England Farmer Has Bright Idea About Cutting Tops of Posts, "I had to take a little railway Jour­ ney up into New England the other day," said the man who once lived In the country, "and as usual' I wanted to stop the train along the road and get out and find somebody that could answer a few questions. "I always want to do that, but of course I never can, so there are many things about which I am forced to keen on wondering. This time It's about fence posts. I saw something new to me In that line, and it struck me that at least one farmer was ap­ plying a bit of science to his job. "The fence poBts were nothing un­ common. Looked as if they might have been cut and set a good while ago around Just an ordinary hillside pasture fifteen or twenty miles the other Bide of New Haven. They were pretty gray and weather worn and that made the contrast to their fresh­ ly sawed tops the more conspicuous. "These tops had been so recently cut that they were still quite bright and yellow. And to my surprise I no­ ticed that Instead of being cut straight across the post, making a flat top, they had been sawed at au angle, so that the top of each pest was like one side of a roof. "Now that's sensible, Isn't it? A flat topped post doesn't shed water. Moisture Just stays there and slowly seeps down into the wood until the whole thing gets rotten. This farmer was clever enough to cut his posts so Ihey would shed water and last--I don't know, maybe twice as long. "But maybe It wasn't the farmer who had the happy thought. Maybe you can buy scientifically sawed fence posts at the lumber yards' now. Or maybe some city man who doesn't care a hang for rural tr#<tit|An t?? bought the place and has gone around and sawed off the tops of all the old posts. "Or maybe one of these women you read about In who are making a liv­ ing and $249.80 profit in the first year, with hopes of Increasing it to at least $300 in the second, out of some old down-trodden, squeezed out, used up relic of two centuries of New Eng­ land farming is responsible for those watershed posts, I wonder." Coloring Woods. The use of colored woods In the construction of furniture has long been known, the material being stained after the necessary seasoning process. Within the last few years, however, a method cf Austrian origin has been employed whereby the wood Is colored when In a green state. By means of heavy pressure In a closed vessel the Bap is drlyen out of the wood and Is replaced by the col­ oring fluid, which may consist of a solution of the more permanent aniline dyes. The best kinds of wood for treatment are found to be birch, beach, ^lder, plane, elm and lime; oak, fir and pine being unsuitable because they do not stain uniformly. The colored wood is used for furni­ ture making and for the manufacture of doors and window frames. It can also be employed for outdoor pur­ poses, in which case no painting is necessary, although a coating of var­ nish would seem ti> be a necessity. For the fitting of ships, railway cars and similar purposes this stained wood ap­ pears to be eminently fitted.--Harper's Weekly. Doctor Wiley's Absentmindedness. Dr. Harvey W. Wiley, the pure food expert, Is one of the most absent mind­ ed men In the world. The doctor takes bis lunch In the cafe of the National Press club In Washington, and when he lunches he misses no bets, over­ looks no food. He has a fine appetite --a remarkable appetite, considering all the unpleasant and terrifying things he knows about foodstuffs. One afternoon he finished his meal, walked into the cloakroom and put on his hat. As he was going out he was accosted by a friend, who invited him to lunch with him. Doctor Wiley hesitated. "To tell you the truth," he said whimsical­ ly, "1 don't know whether I've Just had lunch or not." He thought deeply for several moments. "Just to make sure," he concluded seriously, "I'll go In and have another." And he ate as much the second time as he had the first Goose and Golden Egg. The old family physician being away on a much-needed vacation, his prac­ tise was intrusted to his son, a recent medical'graduate. When the old man returned the youngster told him, among other things, that he had cured Mls6 Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion. "My son," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you; but Miss Ferguson's in digestion Is what put you through col­ lege. "--Argonaut. Not What He Thought. Slapkler (who has just come from Pittsburg)--Yes, I saw your friend Doolittle, but I should never have known him from your description--you told me his hair was as white as snow. Vattlers--I meant Pittsburg snow. Aerial Dunning. "For heaven's sake!" exclaimed a business man of 1920 to his stenog­ rapher. "Who 1B that fellow buzzing around my office window?" "That," answered the stenographer, as she peeped out from the fifty-fourth story, "is a bill collector from Skin- nlm & Haul. He was here yesterday and said he would keep buzzing around here until you settled your account" At the Back Door. "Have you ever worked?" "Yes, yer honor, I've had a steady Job fer years and years." "What at?" "I'm a collector." "What firm are yoa a collector for?" "Fer meself; de world owes me a Uvln" an' I been collectln* It." "Thirty days!" A Sad Case. "I presume you read in the newspa­ pers about the woman who Insisted on having a boa constrictor for a house pet?" "Oh, yes How that woman's hus­ band must envy the man whose wlfs 1* socte-nt with a poodle!-' FINNT ARE ALL SlNGEKS Whmri Few of Them Get Together T^ey Burst Into Song As by Spcr.tsr.sou* Combustion. 8cjme times, when a brass band plays "My Country Tls of Thee,** or on an excursion steamer after It gets dark and he Is pretty wall satisfied no ;one will recognize him, the Amer> ican will Indulge in what he thinkfe is singing, but the average citizen would blush himself to death if asked to burst Into song In' cold blood In a public place. / It i8 no uncommon thing to see m whole tableful of diners In the mag­ nificent hotel at UelsingforB. the cap­ ital of Finland, suddenly put down knives and glasses and burst into a perfectly balanced four part song. They doubtless are happy In their singing, but certainly they sound In­ finitely sad, the songs being almost invariably the moaning folk songs or the saddest of all ' lands--the most perfect music of melancholy. Practically every person In Finland, from the greatest noble to the most humble peasant, from the woman of fashion to she who labors in the fields, belongs to a great singing so­ ciety, for such the entire nation Is. It is no uncommon thing for 5,000 trained singers to gather to serenade some loved or admired public man, and once in Helslngfors 10,000 voices, thoroughly organized Into four parts, joined In singing the national rfnthem as a farewell to an exiled patriot.. The city of Uleaborg is near the arctic circle, and far from a railway, and there may be heard a chorus of 2,000 school children with perfectly blended voices. Every village has its church choir, consisting of fifty or a hundred males, who sing nothing but Lutheran hymns. Even the compa­ nies of Finnish guards of the Russian army automatically organize them­ selves into chcruzos and sing their national songs, despite the opposi­ tion of the Russian officers. When a few Finns get together they burst Into song as by spontaneous combustion. If alone, they sing in­ dividually. The farmer sings as he plows, the housewife as she cooks. If a Finn is doing nothing else, he just sings. A White Chamois. For the last two years glimpses of a perfectly white chamois, a very rare animal, were obtained at long and Ir­ regular intervals In the mountains above the Welstanen valley. In the Cahton of St. Gall, and the authorities issued orders to kill it in order not to lose the rare animal. Every effort on the part of the chamois hunters, both professional and amateur, was unsuccessful on ac­ count of the shyness of the white chamois, which, however, succumbed to the hunter's bullet the other day. It is a perfect specimen, and the body will be stuffed and placed In the mu­ seum at St. Gall. The hunt was difficult and long, for against the snow the white chamois could not be seen, and the cunning animal seemed to be aware of this fact, for it rarely left the snow line. Only one other specimen of a white chamois, killed some six years ago, ex­ ists in Switzerland.--Geneva corre­ spondence Pall Mall Gazette. Part of the Game. The best kind of wit is not the broad Joke or quip, but the remark which summarizes the truth of a situation in a striking and. If possible, humorous fashion. President Lowell of Harvard is credited with a reply which meets these conditions. It was at a dinner In England where John BurnB, the labor leader, was present. Mr. Burns was talking about some bygone custom of government. "That Is as obsolete," he said, "as the Constitution of the United States. Am I not right, Mr. Lowell?" "I am reminded," returned the other, "of a remark which I overheard at a tennis tournament. Two old ladies were watching the game. One of them said. 'How much easier it would be for the players If that net were not In the way!' The constitution is our net."--Youth's Companion. A Genius. "That is a pretty though odd dress your little girl Is wearing." "Do you like It?" "Indeed I do; who made It?" "That 1B my wife's discarded peach basket hat. She cut holes through it for the head and arms and It was all made." A Mere Supposition. "Can you Imagine the predicament of a man who Is called to a real festi­ val and can't come?" "Yes, In a way. I guess there's nothing worse, unless it Is the chagrin of a woman who buys a hobble skirt that doesn't really hobble." Fine Football. "Those ancient gladiatorial combats must have been something fierce." "Oh, I don't know. No system. Now, If they had formed the gladiators Into elevens, there might have been some snappy work." Particular. "What was the matter with that lady who Just went out of the shop? asked the grocer of his assistant. "She found fault with the potatoes." "What was the matter with them?" "She didn't like the color of their eyi Worse. "She slammed the closet door shut so suddenly when I called yesterday that It would appear there was a skeleton In It." "Not a skeleton, just her last sea­ son's bonnet." Real Gentlemanly. Carr--That fellow Motorton Is a pretty decent sort, 'sn't he? Chugley--One in a thousand! Why, he never allows his victims to wail 'or an ambulance--always utilizes his own car.--Puck. The Hapless Boarder. "He says hts favorite flower is cauli­ flower. Is that Intended for a joke?" "No, It's a 'ragedy with him. He never can get cauliflower cooked to suit him."