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www.insideHALTON.com · OAKVILLE BEAVER Thursday, September 13, 2012 · 10 nikki wesley / OAKVILLE BEAVER / @halton_photog making the right decision: Stewart Phillips sits on the bench by the Mill Pond in neighbouring Milton where he once considered suicide. Suicide no answer to a temporary situation O ne day in 2004, Stewart Phillips found himself gazing at the Mill Pond in Milton. He was at a crossroads in his life and he found himself at the serene locale pondering his options. After suffering a series of setbacks -- he had been handed one more that day when the rooming house he had just moved into was shut down, taking his deposit with it. While losing a few hundred dollars may not seem like the end of the world to most people, for Phillips, who was suffering from extreme depression and anxiety, the incident prompted a devastating choice. Should he turn away and give in to the suicidal thoughts swirling in his head or should he walk to the nearby North Halton Mental Health Clinic to get help? In the end, Phillips decided to visit the clinic where he began a long journey to recovery. It was a recovery, which for the longest time, Phillips did not believe was possible. "It takes a while. I don't know how to tell people to just keep going, that things will change, because I didn't believe other people when they told me that, but they really do," said Phillips. "You can not only get a new lease on life, but get a better life." Phillips' struggle with suicidal thoughts began years earlier when he was living in Ottawa. The trouble started when, at the age of 43, Phillips was laid off from his job as an advertising/marketing copywriter at a radio station. At the time, he was battling an aggressive form of Crohn's disease. Phillips said the loss of his job was difficult to take as he had lived and breathed it for 30 years and considered it part of his identity. The death of his mother, just a month later, also hit Phillips hard and it was a short time later that he made his first suicide attempt. "It was the strangest thing," he said. "I wasn't emotional. Instead all the emotions disappeared and I just went numb. It was as if my brain just turned itself off This past Monday marked the 10th anniversary of World Suicide Prevention Day -- a day when people are encouraged to discuss solutions to what Children's Mental Health Ontario call the second-leading cause of death among young people in Canada. The Oakville Beaver has explored the issue locally and, over the next few editions, will share personal stories, helpful information and where to go for support. DAVID LEA because it was too much. That's when I attempted suicide." Phillips said at this point he was not really serious about taking his life, calling that first act a feeble attempt, which he was fairly sure he would survive. Even so, the chance of death was present so Phillips said he took his survival as a sign he should keep going. The feeling didn't last. Phillips eventually secured a new job with an ad agency, but was again laid off in 2000 because there was not enough work to keep him on full time. Freelance work for this agency kept Phillips employed for a while, but soon that dried up. The job loss, combined with a flare-up of his Crohn's disease, led to Phillips' second suicide attempt. Again, Phillips said he was fairly sure he would survive and when he did, he moved on with his life. "It's strange that at both those times I never even thought about getting help," he said. The pattern would repeat itself just a few years later in 2003. By this time, Phillips had a job with a call centre where he said his stress level was through the roof. However, he reasoned it was a better feeling to have than the numbness he experienced previously. The sensation of numbness caught up with Phillips again after he was asked to take medical leave because of his health. Phillips admitted he became more serious about his suicide attempt saying he didn't care if he lived or died. "I had no feelings when I was doing this. Everything was matter of fact. After listing all the things in my head that had happened to me, I made this mental list of why I deserved better. So it (suicide) just seemed like the most logical thing in the world," said Phillips. Miraculously, Phillips survived the third incident, which he said served as a real wake-up call. He then moved to Milton where his sister lived. It was in this town that Phillips finally received the help he so desperately needed. "I called the Canadian Mental Health Association and they directed me to the North Halton Mental Health Clinic in Milton (217 Main St.). Before entering, I said to myself, `If the receptionist doesn't give me the reaction I want, I will walk away,'" said Phillips. "I went in there and I was just bawling and the receptionist got up, she gave me a hug and she got me in to see a counsellor because I was in crisis." Phillips said he was eventually diagnosed with a serotonin imbalance, which was causing his depression, and an anxiety disorder. He said anti-depressants were used to treat his disease while one-on-one therapy and group therapy with TEACH (Teach, Empower, Advocate for Community Health) was used to help build his self-esteem and teach him to function in society again. Phillips said his suicidal thoughts returned from time to time, but he did not act on them because his sister and her family were supporting his recovery. He didn't want to disappoint them. Phillips said today he has a great life in Milton where he lives See No page 15