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COMMENT G e t t in g to th e 'H a r t 1o f th e m a t t e r Health hazards, they're everywhere - polluted air, polluted lakes, polluted beaches, polluting sea gulls, second hand smoke, deadly diets, bacon and eggs, the sun's rays, roaming packs of pit bulls or teenagers, ball park franks, the Mulroney Government, and now, Mary Hart. Mary, for those of you who aren't attached to your couch and glued to your television sets every night, is the perpetually smiling, effervescent and always "up" co-hot of the lowly regard ed and highly rated entertainment news show Entertainment Tonight. Perhaps you've heard the show's catchy theme song: "Entertainment Tonight, da da da da da. Entertainment Tonight, da da da da d a ..." In the past (in a w orld that was/is/and will sadly remain a prover bial mud bath for chauvinist pigs and their pals the sexist swine), Mary was a much-eyed and ogled Miss America or Miss World or Miss Universe or Miss Domestic Auto Body Parts contestant, a bottled blonde renowned for her gor geous gams - legs that don't quit, that go pretty much from her ankles all the way up to her hips - and for being about as bubbly as champagne, or dish soap. 'A HEALTHY HAZARD' Now she has been exposed as a healthy hazard ... A menace every bit as perilous as polluted air, polluted lakes, polluted beaches, polluting sea gulls, second-hand smoke, deadly diets, bacon and eggs, the sun's rays, roaming packs of pit bulls or teenagers, ball park franks, and the Mulroney Government. Well, maybe not quite as perilous as the Mulroney Government, which is forever raising taxes and blood-pressure read ings o f the nation's voters. But pretty perilous, nevertheless. Back to Mary - here's the scoop: in a recent issue o f eith er T he New England Journal of Medicine or The National Enquirer (I always confuse those two esteemed publications), a noted neurologist reported that in a con trolled laboratory test, the distinctive voice of Mary Hart actually triggered a w om an's ep ilep tic seizu res. (W hat Mary's chirpings did to the poor labora tory rats was not disclosed). Dr. Venkat Ramani, the professor of neurology at (he A lbany M edical College in Albany, New York, said that when the woman, who wished to remain unidentified, heard Hart speak, what occurred was "very dramatic ... "She would rub her stom ach (the woman, not Hart), hold her head, and she would look confused and far away (again, the woman, not H art) ... the expression in her eyes, she looked like she was far away and out o f i t " Testing confirmed that Hart's voice triggered the abnormal electrical dis charges in the brain that mark an epilep tic seizu re, and that resu lted in the woman having an upset feeling in the pit of her stomach, a sense o f pressure in her head, and general mental confu sion - somewhat similar to the symp toms through which Ronald Reagan sufwas said to be "very relieved." Dr. Marc Dichter, an epilepsy expert, said that it is the pitch and quality of Hart's voice, as opposed to what she is actually saying, that sets off the seizure. Viewers who regularly watch ET could tell the good doctor that no one on the show e v e r really says an y th in g . Anyway, Dr. Dichter said hart should not be blamed. Okay, so if Mary Hart should not be held accountable in this case, she cer tainly should be for what she does to other viewers ... Two people I inter viewed in an effort to make this out burst more journalistically sound (at this point it's a journalistic sieve) said Mary g iv es them (a ) palpitations - "sh e's Andy Juniper fered fo r eig h t y ears in the W hite House. Apparently the woman long suspect ed Han's voice set off her seizures, but even her own fam ily members were skeptical of those suspicions. With the laboratory conform ation, the woman a d o rab le;" (b ) h eartb u rn and gas "she's obnoxious." So there you have it: Mary Hart may give you a seizure or palpitations or heartburn and gas. Indeed, you'll proba b ly e ith e r love h er o r d is lik e her immensely. If you dislike her immense ly, I recommend to you what the doctors treating the unidentified woman recom mended to hen forsake Entertainment T onight in favour of, say. W heel of Fortune. Maybe now that we've taken time to get down to the Hart of the matter, we should move on and deal with all the innumerable ailments potentially associ ated with Vanna W hite. Then again, maybe not. THE OAKVILLE BEAVER Friday, July 19, 1991 Pud____________ You'll BE HAPPY to " 1 b y S te v e N e a se GOLDEN Homestyle Cookin'at a Tasty Price Trafalgar Village Oakville! When you preset* Das Discount C«Mcae and buy an enMe after 4 p m. o( equal or g na w value, you * « receive youf second emrte absolutely Free' FREE DINNER G O LD EN I G M 1 ) I) L F | Homcstvlt Cootan Discount Certificate Conditions * Oakville location only * Cannot be used with any other special or discount xpires Aug. 31/91 at a Tasty Pnoc 125 Cross Avenue, Oakville, Ontario (in Trafalgar Village) O pen 7 days - 7 a.m. -10:00 p.m. B R E A K F A S T B U F FE T "A LL Y O U C A N E A T ' 9:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m. Saturday & Sunday Kids 6 & U nder eat FREE 10% Discount Senior Citizens All major credit cards accepted Ample Free Parking Licensed L.L.B.O. 125 Cross Ave. 338-8 900