|The South Marysburgh Mirror 5) | WHY DIDN’TI THINK OF THAT? I’ve been doing a fair bit of grocery shopping lately. The plastic bags in which one places fruit and vegetables really irritate me. You rip the things off a roller, then spend several minutes trying to find which end of the bag opens. This has baffled me several times to the point where I was forced to discard the bag and rip another one off the roller, assuming that the first one had both ends sealed. Is this really a hard thing to fix? I looked up patents to see if anyone had tried to solve this burning issue and found nothing that addressed it. However, the genius of the world of inventors was apparent. Here are some of the patents: THE 12 GAUGE GOLF CLUB -I play golf, and though I am large, I hit the ball like a baby. No distance. I can play a round of golf without losing a ball because they’re easy to find when they are 10 yards from where you hit them. But not with this! You load the ammo in this sucker through a door in the rear of the club, the firing pin is connected by an ingenious series of mechanical devices to the “sweet spot” on the club face, and when you make contact the ball is powered off by a 12 gauge shell. It might be a tad noisy, but Golfing Men of Milford, watch out for me next year! GRAVITY POWERED SHOE AIR CONDITIONER - Some guy has invented an air conditioner that fits in your shoe! He’s really smart, because he says, “when the wearer steps on the heel, this expands the expander and compresses the compressor.” What else? Then a network of heat exchange coils containing a low boiling point liquid provides the coolant through the shoe. I was thinking they’d be good shoes to fight hot feet on the golf course, but I’m afraid the weight of them would tether me to the first tee. One drive with the 12 gauge golf club, then me and my air conditioned shoes would be forced to retire to the club house for beer. PORTABLE CONTAINER - But maybe I wouldn’t have to go to the clubhouse for beer, because some idiot has invented a small beer keg that you wear on your head! Reach between your eyes for the tap, and swill “er down. This is a very practical idea, but to be honest, wearing a beer keg on my head would take away from my normal fetching golfing ensemble. It would fit right in with some of the other guys, though. CHEESE FLAVOURED CIGARETIE - Boy, this might get me smoking again. This cigarette contains, from your lips out; “a porous plug, then grated cheese mixed with charcoal, then another porous plug, then tobacco.” Have a good lungful of Black River cheese curd cured by tobacco smoke on the inhale. But I wonder, why did the inventor stop there? Anything could be substituted for cheese in this apparatus. How about smoked salmon? Garlic? Butterscotch? In fact, one could invent a cigarette holder into which you could dump any old flavouring to improve the taste of your cancer stick. I think I’m onto to something here, and I don’t want any of you readers to steal this idea. STUD SPECTACLES - The fellow who invented this is really tuned into the styles of the modem generation. As body piercing is so popular, this inventor has imposed common sense on the practice. Put studs in our eyebrows onto which the glasses are hung. Or, screw them directly into a stud bored through the bridge of your nose. Your glasses will no longer slip off your face. I don’t know how you clean them, but maybe if they are permanently affixed they don’t get gummy. Why stop there? Put a stud through your lip to hold a cigarette. Put a big stud in your arm to hold the ubiquitous bottle of water people are always lugging around. Or maybe pierce a stud. through your skull so you can be officially brain dead. The lesson is to forget about piecing your naval or other unmentionable body parts, accomplishing something with Continued on page 9 & Removal Brush chipping Lot clearing SHardwood & Softwood lumber Black River Tree Service Glenn Guernsey 476-3757