GOOD GOVERNMENT, GOOD GRIEF! You know how some people seem incapable of keeping a New Years Resolution? Last month I felt I was becoming too critical, difficult and whiny. I vowed to change. I DID change in January's article. So much for change... I was at a conference in Toronto not too long ago, and after a presentation from a spokesman who represented the Ministry of Natural Resources, someone asked him a question. His response was three minutes long. I turned to the man seated next to me, and said, "He could have said 'I don't know' in three seconds." His long winded non- response got me to thinking how greatly Parliamentary exchanges would improve with honesty. Opposition Member: "Mr. Speaker, to Ralph Goodale, Minister of Finance; Why does the Minister refuse to commit funding to greatly needed Social Programs?" Mr. Goodale: "For two reasons. First, I'm tired of the whining crybabies who consistently petition me for money I consider my own. Mine! My money! Make no mistake! Second, we have no idea what revenues are, so maybe there will be no surplus. I just don't know. It's all economic hocus pocus anyway. Opposition Member: "Mr. Speaker, to John Volpe, new Minister of Immigration, When will the Government of Canada promptly deport criminals who are here illegally back to their country of origin?" Mr. Volpe: "For most of them we have no idea who they are or where they are. If we're lucky enough to find one of them, they often say they don't want to go. Then we have no idea what to do, so we ask them if they will change their address so we can lose them again." Opposition Member: "Mr. Speaker, to David Anderson, Minister of the Environment; We have signed the Kyoto Accord to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses in Canada. What actions are we pursuing to live up to that agreement?" Mr. Anderson: "At first we thought it would make us look good and it would be easy to do. Well, it isn't easy and going back on our word would be embarrassing, so we have decided to simply invent numbers that make us look good. Lying appears to be the best strategy." Opposition Member: "Mr. Speaker, to Bob Speller, Minister of Agriculture; When, Oh when, will the U.S. border be open to the shipment of beef?" Mr. Speller: "Our government has been sucking up to the United States of America ever since the border was closed. Failing that, I can see no viable strategy. The Minister of Finance has no money to alleviate the conditions for farmers. Well, maybe a little money, if they're in Quebec." Opposition Member: "Mr. Speaker, to David Pratt, Minister of National Defense; Our troops are working with sub-standard equipment. Forty year old helicopters, used submarines, even jungle camouflage when they're in the desert. When will we give our troops what they need to perform properly?" Mr. Pratte: "Our forces are equipped with state-of-the-art snow shovels should Toronto get a blizzard this winter. As to the things you mentioned, holy cow they cost a lot. We're thinking silent auctions, raffles, and bake sales. It works for my church." Continued on page 9 Ba? Tree Trimmin & Removal Brush chipping Lot clearing Firewood, Hardwood & Softwood lumber Black River Tree Service Glenn Guernsey - 476-3757