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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, April 15, 2009 Basic Black by Arthur Black Stupid is as stupid does It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so. Jerome K. Jerome I think Mister Jerome might have been thinking of his parents when he delivered the above remark - how bright is it, after all, to saddle your kid with a name like 'Jerome Jerome'? Nonetheless, the symmetrically monikered Mr. J. makes a good point: it is always bracing to encounter someone dumber than oneself. Me, for instance. Want to hear the stupidest thing I ever did? Was it the time I told the cop who'd pulled me over that I was going too fast because I had brand new brake pads and I didn't want to wear them out? Nah. Was it the time I asked my boss's wife when her baby was due? And found out she wasn't pregnant? Close, but, nah. Nope, unquestionably the most bone-headed thing I ever did was.... But hey - why waste time on amateur stupidity? Let's check the Professional Idiot file - AKA the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards have been around for about 25 years. They are named in honour of the evolutionary giant Charles Darwin, best known, perhaps, for giving us the phrase 'survival of the fittest'. The Darwin Awards acknowledge the mirror corollary to 'survival of the fittest' - namely 'extinction of the fatuous'. Once a year, some anonymous wag unleashes the moron ferrets to hunt down and bring back the name of he or she who has perpetrated the dopiest endeavour of the past twelve months. In other words, and not to put too fine a point on it, the Darwin Awards are dedicated to the stupidest people in the world. There are five criteria one must meet in order to be eligible for a Darwin Award. Number one: a winner has to be an adult and not diagnosed as mentally defective. Number two: the exploit itself must be outstandingly stupid. Number three: the feat must have been perpetrated by oneself on oneself. Number four: it must be verified by independent authorities. And finally, to win a Darwin Award, the candidate must be dead - or at least sterile. It would not be promising for the human race if Darwin Award winners could reproduce. What sort of people win Darwin Awards? Well, in past years we've had the Brazilian who used his Bic lighter to look into a fuel tank. There was the American action photographer who leapt out of an airplane to photograph sky divers in action. Remembered his camera; forgot his parachute. There was the Croatian hand grenade juggler, the Irish workman who took a cigarette break in an explosives warehouse, the Toronto executive who demonstrated his unbreakable 20th storey office window by running across the office and slamming his shoulder into it. Wasn't that unbreakable. For 2008 the Darwin Award went to the Reverend Adelir Antonio di Carli, a Catholic priest in Brazil who filled 1,000 balloons with helium, tied them to his lawn chair and launched himself off a cliff in Brazil. Not to worry; he had a GPS system. Oops - worry. He forgot to learn how to use it. They recovered his body in the Atlantic Ocean three months later, The Reverend narrowly edged a chap in Italy whose new Porsche Cayenne stalled on the railroad tracks and would not start. In desperation, the driver got out of his car and ran down the tracks waving at an oncoming express train to stop It didn't. Reminds me of the joke about the fellow (again in a Porsche) who drove into a tree at high speed demolishing his car and ripping off his left arm which had been dangling out the window. A policeman found the man distraught, leaning against what remained of his car and sobbing disconsolately "My Porsche! My beautiful Porsche!" "Idiot!" the policeman growled, "You're complaining about a lousy car when you're entire arm has been torn off!" The driver looks at his empty sleeve, gulps, and wails "My Rolex! My beautiful Rolex!" Bethesda House 905-623-6050 or 1-800-338-3397 Are you in an abusive relationship? 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