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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, November 17, 2010 Basic Black Germ war far e There's a photograph on my living room wall that was taken by a neighbour, of a neighbour. It's a head-andshoulders close-up portrait of Malcolm, our local, among other things, veterinarian. Malcolm is also a farmer and the photograph was taken just after he'd come in from a morning working in the fields. We call it "The Potato Digger" and it is a remarkable portrait. Malcolm looks wise and weary and weathered. But it's his hand that gets me. He's rubbing his chin with his right hand and the fingers, knuckles and nails of that hand are bemired, begrimed and utterly muckified. They are dirty. Magnificently, triumphantly, unequivocally dirty. Well, what do you expect? The man's been digging up potatoes. You can infer a great deal about Malcolm from that photograph, but one thing you know for a certainty: the man is not a mysphobe. Mysophobe? A twentyfive cent word for germ freak. Mysophobes suffer an intense fear of dirt and contamination, often washing their hands, clothes and surroundings obsessively. Howie Mandel is one. The comedian will not shake hands with anyone unless he's wearing latex gloves. (As host of the TV show Deal or No Deal, however, he has been known to fist bump, bear hug and even kiss the better-looking contestants ­ proving that just because you're a neurotic doesn't mean you're not smart.) Another Howie ­ mega tycoon and certified nutbar Howard Hughes -- was a five-star mysophobe. He wouldn't handle money and ordered that his used bedsheets be burned, not washed. If he wanted to read a magazine Hughes had his flunkies buy three copies and deliver them on a cart. He would select the middle issue without touching the other two, which were subsequently burned. He also had a charming way of dealing with doorknobs. He simply kicked the door; a signal for a staff member to open it. Most mysophobes aren't that far gone; they're just a teensy bit paranoid about germs. And, not to go all paranoid or anything, but...could I just put a handkerchief over my mouth and whisper this in your ear? I think mysophobes are taking over the planet. Increasingly when I enter a store in a shopping mall the first thing I bump into is a hand sanitizer dispensing station where I am cheerily invited to spritz myself free of contamination. My local supermarket features tubs of free disinfectant swabs just outside the buggy corral so I can wipe down the handle of my shopping cart. And I don't know how it is at your health provider's office but if you plan to spend any time in my hospital waiting room, best bring along your bedside copy of War and Peace. Those familiar, dog-eared copies of Maclean's and Chatelaine from 1987 have finally been tossed out. Germs, don't you know. Public rest rooms? Hah. Any mysophobe can tell you that you'd have to be a suicidal fool to walk within a hundred feet of a public rest room these days. Those places are microbial maternity wards. Festering hives of fetid effluvia toxic enough to turn an innocent human into a gibbering radioactive mutant. Diabolical, too. Sure, they offer sinks to wash your hands after using the facilities but you have to use your hand to turn the tap on and off, right? Just like umpteen-dozen feces-laden hands before you ­ and you still have to open the door to get out of the place. Where's a Howard Hughes flunky when you need him? Makes you wonder how mankind managed to muddle through the past couple of hundred thousand years, often without so much as a surgical mask or a packet of HandiWipes. Hundreds of anti-bacterial products crowd the shelves of our drug stores and supermarkets ­ and, as medical experts keep trying to tell us ­ they're at best a waste of money; at worst, hazardous to our health. Dr. Stuart Levy, director of Genetics and Drug Resistance at Tufts University, Boston, says such products upset the natural balance of microorganisms in our systems. "Bacteria are a natural, and needed, part of life" he says. "Most live blamelessly. In fact, they often protect us from disease because they compete with, and thus limit the proliferation of, pathogenic bacteria." A little dirt is good for us. Dr. Levy knows it. My vetrinarian knows it. So do you and I. Howard Hughes? He may have been a billionaire genius, but he never managed to figure that out. by Arthur Black Classified Business Directory LARRY Debra Inglis Interior Design JACKSON PLUMBING & WATER CONDITIONING Automotive Specialties BRIAN COUVIER Licenced Technician 117 Mill St. Orono L0B 1M0 Custom Drapery "Energy Saving Specials" Dealer & Fine Finishes by T. 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