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8 - Orono Weekly Times 1937 - 2012 · Celebrating 75 Years Wednesday, September 19, 2012 Basic Black by Arthur Black Name that town When it came to slapping names on chunks of this country our forefathers (and mothers) were a relatively adventurous lot. They tapped royalty (Victoria, Regina, Alberta), explorers (Vancouver, Hudson), local topography (Montreal, after Mount Royal), forgettable politicians (Kitchener, Hamilton) and saints (Sault Ste Marie, St. Catharines, St. John and just in case we missed the point ­ St. John's). Occasionally they aped their betters (London, Warsaw, Paris, Berlin ­ all in Ontario); other times they realized they couldn't improve on the originals and simply stole the First Nations names already in place ­ Saskatoon, Winnipeg, Toronto, Mississauga. Eclectic and wide-ranging ­ not a dull or boring name in the lot. Not like, well, Dull and Boring. You'll find the former in Scotland and the latter in Oregon. Dull (population 84) is a tiny village in Perthshire; Boring is a not-so-tiny burg of ten thousand or so Oregonians located about 20 miles south of Portland. Ironic when you think about it. We Canadians are the ones with the rep for being dull and boring, but you wouldn't know it by the names of our towns and cities. As a matter of fact, a visitor might get the impression Canucks are downright colourful ­ and unabashedly randy. From the far north (Steambath Lake, Yukon; Hump Island, NWT) to the Deep South (Middlesex, Ontario) Canada has a steamy sheet of place names that would make Madonna blush. British Columbia has a Sin Lake, Moan Creek, Shag Rock and Peekaboo Falls. Alberta can claim Sexsmith and Spanking Lake. Saskatchewan? Well, there's Lust Lake and Climax, for starters. Manitoba gives us Love Lake, Cuddle Bay and Strip Rapids. In Ontario there's Flesherton, Bottomlands and Peeler Lake. And Quebec? Quelle surprise -- la belle province teems with suggestive nomenclature ­ Lac Brassiere, Lac de la Caresse, Lac Eros and even Lac Latex. Plus ­ (gasp!) ­ the Gaspe penisula. The Maritimes won't be left behind in the erotic topography department ­ not while there's a Kissing Brook, a Lover's Cove and an Etang Slippery Stick to be found on your GPS. And then there's Newfoundland. Even if the entire upper two-thirds of the North American continent was as dull and boring as, well, Dull and Boring, we'd still have Canada' youngest province whistling and twirling its moustache, winking like the porch light on Hugh Hefner's pad. Look at the names in that province! Never mind the obvious Dildo and Come-byChance ­ how about Bare Bum Pond? Naked Man? Leading Tickles? And my favourite ­ Pinch Gut Tickle. I'm not sure if that's an S & M option or an illegal wrestling hold, but it sounds `way more intriguing than Lloydminster or Sydney. Naming geographical entities is a tricky business; you want to be careful who gets the honour to take it on. There's a city named A in Sweden and a bay named Y in the Zuyder Zee. France has a village named Ws, a river named As and a lake named Oo. On the other hand, there is a town in Wales that goes by the name of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogeryc hwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogogoch. Some people think we'd avoid confusion and misunderstanding if citizens got to vote on the names of towns, rivers, public buildings, etc. Don't bet on it. Recently, a Slovakian government opened on-line voting to name a bridge over the Morava River. Seventy-five percent of the populace came up with the same choice. And that's why the new span over the Morava River will be known to posterity as Chuck Norris Bridge. 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