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8 - Orono Weekly Times 1937 - 2012 · Celebrating 75 Years Wednesday, October 10, 2012 Basic Black by Arthur Black Armed and out to lunch What do you do when you realize the guy who lives next to you is nuts? I don't mean `eccentric' or `dippy' ­ I mean stark, staring bring-the-butterfly-nets nuts. I thought about having him arrested, but I think he's got way more pull with the cops than I have. Besides, he's pretty big ­ and he has a mean streak that stretches from here to Baghdad. I'm not talking about my next door neighbour ­ he's fine (besides I've still got his lawnmower). No, I'm talking about OUR neighbour ­ the U.S. of A. Why do I think America's nuts? Let me count the ways. Let's start with the cartoon characters the Republican Party has offered for presidential consideration this time around. Let's see...there was Newt the crook and Michelle the loony; Cain the serial stickman and Rick Santorum, who even the atrocious Ron Paul called `atrocious'. At the bottom of the barrel they found a corporation called MITT, hooked it up to Lyin' Ryan and that's the ticket they're going with. But when you see how some other American elected officials turned out maybe R&R Inc. isn't such a nutty combo. Consider Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas. Recently, the judge warned in a TV interview that if Republicans lose the presidential election, the U.S. will be invaded by United Nations troops. If Obama gets the nod, Judge Head solemnly informed the TV audience, he would "hand over sovereignty of the U.S. to the UN" and send in "U.N. troops with the little blue beanies." Let me repeat: this is a judge speaking. He is a representative who was (presumably) democratically selected and elected as the candidate most suitable to interpret the laws of the country. It isn't just Texas either. Lawmakers in Virginia recently wrestled with the problem of rising sea levels. Scientists have confirmed that those levels along the Virginia coast line have already risen a foot and are still rising. Grudgingly the lawmakers voted to fund a study of the problem ­ but only if all mention of `climate change' and `sea level rise' was stricken from the bill. Reason? Because, said a spokesman for the Republican majority, "'sea-level-rise' is a left-wing term." Unfortunately, American nuttiness doesn't restrict itself to legislative bodies. It begins in the schools. A student by the name of Hunter Spanjer recently ran afoul of school authorities in Grand Island, Nebraska. The boy is not your typical school delinquent; Hunter is four years old and deaf. Like most deaf people who use sign language, Hunter has a `nickname' gesture that he uses to identify himself. He points his index and middle finger together while he balls up his thumb and other fingers behind it. When Hunter introduces himself, he holds out his hand in this configuration and shakes it once or twice. That's how he says hello and it's kind of cute. Like a toy pistol. `Hunter' ­ get it? Grand Island school officials got it. They ordered Hunter to cease and desist using the gesture because Grand Island Public Schools has a zero tolerance policy against "any instrument...that looks like a weapon." Including a chubby pink fist attached to a four-year-old deaf kid. Meanwhile, at the recent Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, officials banned water pistols, sticks, knives, even pieces of string ­ presumably because they might be construed as weapons. But concealed pistols and automatic handguns? No problem, bring `em on. Florida gun laws prohibit any local restriction on the carrying of guns. In 2010, 170 Canadians died by guns, which is pretty grisly. The number of Americans killed by guns in the same period: 8,775. Bad enough when your next door neighbour is nuts. Even worse when he's armed. 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