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8 - Orono Weekly Times 1937 - 2012 · Celebrating 75 Years Wednesday, October 17, 2012 Basic Black by Arthur Black To beard or not to beard There was a big photo of Thomas Mulcair on the cover of Maclean's Magazine recently. STEPHEN HARPER HAS FINALLY MET HIS MATCH the headline blared, in the magazine's trademark, understated, feces-disturbing way. The cover story mentions Mulcair's assets ­ a whipsharp mind, a fast mouth and the disposition of a pit bull with ulcers. But what really separates the man from the guy who lives at 24 Sussex? A beard. The face fur separates Mulcair from just about every politician in Canada. It's an unspoken law, but a law nonetheless: if you're a man and you're running for office, your chops better be bare as a baby's backside. Voters, they say, won't trust a man with a beard. Downright stupid really. Jesus is always depicted with a beard. Abe Lincoln had a beard. Santa Claus has a beard. Still, there have been a few bearded guys who did nothing to promote the brand. Taliban and Al Qaeda lunatics wear beards. Saddam Hussein, when they hauled him out of his rat hole, sported a beard that resembled the south end of a northbound goat. Photographs of Karl Marx show a man who seems to be thrusting his face through a dehydrated hedge. Marx looked like a choir boy compared to a 17th century pirate named Edward Teach. A contemporary wrote that Teach was known by "that large Quantity of Hair, which, like a frightful Meteor, covered his whole Face, and frightened America more than any Comet that has appeared there in a long Time. This Beard was black, which he suffered to grow of an extravagant Length; as to Breadth, it came up to his Eyes; he was accustomed to twist it with Ribbons, in small Tails...and turn them about his Ears." Teach's was better known by his nickname, Blackbeard. Bearded bad guys are a relative rarity these days. Lots of popular figures ­ Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Johnny Depp ­ flirt with facial hair all the time. Even baby-faced Prince William grows a beard now and again ­ and looks much better for it. Nevertheless beardophobia still thrives. Our armed forces take a dim view of any recruit who shows up with a beard. How to Get a Job manuals and Miss Manners columns invariably recommend a `clean-shaven' look. Even my sainted mother went to her reward tich-tiching and tutt-tutting about her wayward eldest son and his unshorn mug. "No woman is ever going to want to kiss that" she told me. Often. Sorry mom, but you were dead wrong on this one. As soon as I could, I grew myself a beard. Not for me the Van Dyke, the French Fork, or the Muttonchops. Fie on the Chinstrap, the Soul Puff or the Goatee. I grew myself the Full Monty -- jungle foliage from sideburns to Adam's apple. And it paid off. I knew my beard was a turn-on the first day I showed up for my bartending job that helped pay my college bills. Women dig beards. I still remember that beautiful blonde coming out of the washroom and undulating up to the bar where I was washing glasses. "Are you the manager?" she cooed, sitting down and pointing her cleavage at me. I stammered that I wasn't. She reached a hand across the bar and caressed my beard. "Oh, that's too bad," she pouted, and brought her other hand up and ran it alongside my chin, twisting my whiskers gently into ringlets, "because I'd like to leave him a message". "I could give him a message," I squeaked. I could hardly talk by now. She was practically giving me a full facial massage. "Good," she purred. "Tell him the ladies room is out of toilet paper and hand towels." 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