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I Environment Canada misses the boat COMPUTERS AND POETRY? POETRY? WHY NOT? There's a guy in my town named Here. He is shortish but extremely muscular - think human fire hydrant. The word on Here is: don't mess with him. Oh, lie's friendly and gregarious enough, most times - but he's also as tough as a platoon of Ninjas, and if you incur his wrath, your allotted span on this planet can be measured measured in nanoseconds. Which is why it was unusual to see Here lined up at the local Libation Emporium one day, grinning like a man who'd won the Lotto 649. "You're looking mighty chipper chipper today Here" said the checkout checkout clerk, "What's up?" Here smiled a smile as wide as the federal deficit and said: "Just walked down to the end of the bleepin' dock" (Here swears a mite) "with my bleepin' computer computer - an' 1 hove that bleeper as far as I could inta the harbour". "And it felt so bleepin'good that I went back home, got my printer printer and I hove that motherbleep- er in after it!" I know exactly how Here feels. I love my computer when it's doing what I want it to do. Which would be about 1.3% of the time. The rest of the time I hate my computer. I hate it more than Eatons hated Simpsons. More than Alberta hated Trudeau. More than Tyson hated Holyfield. If 1 could find an ear on my computer computer I would gnaw it off. But I can't. I can't find much of anything anything on my computer - that's the point. I could probably live with my handicap if only my computer wasn't so bleeping. smug. I'll be working away on it when suddenly my monitor screen will go into a kind of graphic stomach cramp and a message will flare across the screen. THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL FUNCTION AND WILL BE SHUTDOWN. What???? What .illegal function? I paid for this computer! computer! I'm over 21! ' Another favourite computer Predator Control Workshop Predators such as brush wolves, also known as coyotes, coyotes, are a big concern of livestock livestock producers In this area of the province. The loss of sheep and calves to predators results In significant financial losses to Individual farmers and the Industry. livestock producers who have concerns with livestock predation can get a better understanding of predators and control measures measures at a free workshop to be held on Wednesday February 9th at the Ops Community Centre, Lindëay, moment occurs when I painstakingly type in some incredibly stupid Internet a d d r e s s htttp : / /LiZard-xanad u/m ed u sa/ @#&phrymzik.com) - the computer computer clicks and whirrs - and this message pops up on my screen: COULD NOT CONNECT CONNECT TO "[1.135.245.49]". CAUSE: CONNECTION TIMED OUT (10060) Gee, thanks, Bill Gates - I can sure work- with clear and concise info like that. No point in appealing to your friendly neighbourhood computer computer geek - they understand this gobbledygook! It makes sense to them ! Nope, folks - we're on our own. Well...maybe not quite. 1 hear that the honchos at Sony Vaio Programming in Tokyo have replaced the stupid and meaningless Microsoft error messages with...haiku poetry. Which my dictionary defines as: a very short Japanese style of poetry, consisting of three lines. And how does that apply to computer error messages? Try these: A file that big? It might be very useful But now it is gone. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen Dies so beautifully. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. And my personal favourite: Windows NT crashed: I am the blue screen of death. No one hears your screams. Computer programming with a sense of literature AND a sense of humour? What next? Mackintosh? beginning at 7:15 p.m. This workshop will feature a variety variety of exhibits and short presentations presentations followed by a panel discussion. Speakers Include: • Doug Johnston, Predator Information Officer, will provide provide a local and provincial perspective on predation and information on the Livestock, Poultry anti Honeybee Protection Act, and where to go for help. • Anita O'Brien, Sheep and Goat Specialist, OMAFRA, is a producer herself, and will discuss discuss the use of guard animals and other control methods, as JANUARY 19, 2000 - The Federation of Ontario Cottagers Associations Inc. (FOCA) wants to know why the federal government failed to consult with environmental stakeholders stakeholders while it was developing new emission standards for outboard marine manufacturers. The resulting outboard emissions policy, announced January 17, 2000, allows the continued, unlimited sale of conventional two-stroke motors despite their proven environmental impacts. Worse, the standards require these engines to carry a permanent permanent label that indicates the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (U.S. EPA) has approved them for use. This will mislead consumers into thinking that conventional two- stroke engines bearing stickers are environmentally friendly rather than a leading source of water, air and noise pollution. In reality, the U.S. EPA 2006 sticker indicates only that the average emissions for all types of engines sold by a manufacturer manufacturer conform to U.S. regulations. regulations. Numerous studies have documented documented that two-stroke engines spew up to 30 percent of their gas and oil directly into the environment, causing 97% more water pollution and 95% more air pollution than clean burning four-stroke models. There are approximately three million pleasure craft in Canada, most with two-stroke engines. The federal Department of Fisheries and well as the identification of a predator kill. • Maria de Ameida, Predator Specialist, MNR, will speak on the history of brush wolves in Ontario, their role in the ecosystem, and how the adaptability of the brush wolf allows it to successfully expand its range. She will also discuss why it may be better to leave non-problem brush wolves in place as a buffer to prevent problem animals animals from moving in. Maria will also briefly discuss black bears, which are a new predator predator in south central Ontario. • Wray McQuay, Conservation Officer, will briefly describe the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Act and how landowners may legally protect their property. • A local coyote hunter will discuss hunting with dogs, and hunting with predator calls, as well as impediments to hunting. This workshop is sponsored sponsored by the Victoria Sheep Producers, Victoria Cattlemen's Association, the Lindsay Fur Harvesters' Association, OMAFRA and the Victoria & Peterborough Land Stewardship Councils. For- further information contact 705-324-1478. Oceans (DFO) considers them to be the most important source of a persistent form of pollution that has devastating effects on the aquatic environment. DFO estimates that two-stroke outboards outboards discharge up to one billion billion litres of hydrocarbons and oil into North American waters each year - 15 times more than the Exxon Valdez spill. According, to the U.S. EPA, operating a 70-horsepower two- stroke motor for one hour results in the same amount of hydrocarbon pollution as driving driving 8,000 km in a modern car. The new Canadian standards are a watered-down version of those approved by the U.S. EPA in 1996, which require marine manufacturers to reduce outboard outboard emissions by 75% across their entire product line by 2006. Manufacturers can meet U.S. reduction targets by averaging averaging the emissions from the two-stroke and four-stroke models they have sold. Compliance is achieved if negative negative credits from the sale of two-strokes are less than or equal to the positive credits earned by selling four-strokes. If the result is a positive num- (continued page 13) m MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM REGION SINCE 1841 ■ ALL FUNERAL SERVICES PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS * "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT" FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUL R. MORRIS DOUG R. RUTHERFORD GARY M. CONWAY DEBRAD. KELLEHER 623-5480 4 DIVISION ST„ BOWMANVILLE - AT QUEEN ST. The Corporation of the Municipality of Clarington The Council of the Corporation of the Municipality of Clarington has approved the establishment of the "Clarington Traffic Management Committee" to review existing and future traffic management practices and make recommendations to Council. The first item for review will be the "Canadian Guide'lines for Traffic Calming" recently published by the Transportation Association of Canada. The composition of this Committee will include 5 to 8 voting Members (maximum of 2 persons from each ward) who will be a minimum of 18 years of age ând residents residents of the Municipality of Clarington. Completed application forms will be received by the Clerk's Department until 4:30 p.m*. January 31,2000 and are available at the: Municipal Administrative Centre 40 Temperance Street Bowmanville, Ontario L1C3A6 (905) 623-3379 (Clarington ONTARIO MUNICIPALITY OF Publication Dates - January 19 & 26, 2000 P.O. # 6586 Ontario farm news