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12 - Orono Weekly limes, Wednesday, February 9. 2000 ) BASIC BLACK by Arthur Black WELCOME ABOARD THE SS WRETCHED EXCESS! When does this place get to Europe? The wonderful (and Canadian) actress and comedienne comedienne Bea Lillie asked that question more than half a century century ago when she was crossing crossing the Atlantic aboard the Queen Mary. If Bea thought The Queen Mary was, hot stuff, I wonder what she'd make of the Voyager of the Seas. Not to make mock of The Queen Mary. She was, after all, state of the art when she was launched in the 'thirties. 'thirties. Fine dining, dancing to wonderful orchestras, skeet shooting, badminton and shuffleboard for the restless. But then there's Voyager of the Seas - the latest ship in the Royal Caribbean fleet.. V of the S is nearly a quarter of a mile from stem to stern - 1,020 feet, to be exact. Which is. to say the length of three football fields laid end to end. She boasts fourteen, count 'em 14, passenger decks; not one, but three swimming pools, ; a health club,, the largest casino at sea and - wait for it - an 80-foot high climbing wall, an in-line skating track, a full-size basketball basketball court and. .. A golf course. That's correct. A nine-hole golf course. At sea. Did I mention the ice-skating rink? The four-storey indoor shopping/e n teriain m e n-t boulevard? They come with your cruise aboard Voyager of the Seas too. Now, I know this is supposed to be terribly splendid, but Tv.; went on a Caribbean cruise once. Six islands, Miami to Miami return. The most boring boring vacation-, of my life. Ocean cruises aren't about cruising on the ocean. They're about pretending your back home, having a night on the town in Dtibuque or Scarborough. The ships have huge stabilizer stabilizer fins port and aft to make sure you're not 'disturbed' by the ocean waves. Everything is designed to insulate you, make you feel 'right at home'. 1 woke up each morning to find a brochure tucked underneath underneath my door, outlining all the 'fun activities' in store for me that particular day. A stroll around the deck was torpedoed by some grinning gofer handing out badges to pin on your shirt. "Shows you're into exercise" says the grinner, "you get points for every circuit you make of the deck. Winner gets to sit at the Captain's Table". And there are the usual' urban distractions. Casinos. One-armed bandits. A cheesy stand-up comedian telling corny jokes in a faux nightclub. nightclub. Even the excursions ashore are micro-managed to make sure you don't get mired down in, well, in that island's particular culture. Passengers' are led ashore in closely monitored squads and admonished to 'stay with the group' and not to go in any shops that aren't on the cruise directors Recommended List. Result: you have to look up the ship's itinerary to figure out what island you're visiting. visiting. If wretched excess is your bag, then the ocean cruise is for you. You'll be served more food than you could ever eat, and you'll receive more encouragement to shop and drink and dine and be entertained you'll think your Donald Trump. Oh yes, and you'll share it all with more people than you dreamed, could ever stand .on the same ship at the same time. Voyageur of the Seas has cabins for 3,118. Add to that the 1,020 crew members on board to cater to your every whim and you've got a floating floating community the size of a respectable Canadian town. The question is: when does a ship- stop being a ship and become an island? The seagoing monstrosity that is the Voyager of the Seas is so mammoth only a handful of ports in the world can accommodate it. If ships get any bigger they'll be applying' for a seat at the United Nations. Reminds me of the story about a guy who finds himself aboard one of the biggest of the big ocean liners. The ballroom ballroom alone is as big as a football stadium. A seat at the back of the 'night club' feels like a seat in the bleachers bleachers at Skydome. Everything is BIG. Naturally, the guy starts eating big. And drinking drinking big. One night, after one too many bird-bath martinis, the guy staggers up to a waiter waiter ands asks for directions to the washroom. He gets them and stumbles off, but soon becomes disoriented, takes a wrong turn, and ends up doing a two-and-a-half gainer into the Olympic-sized swimming swimming pook He comes to the surface, sees a handful of faces looking down at him, and screams "Don't flush! Don't flush!" Let us help finance your dreams! \ */ DUC A Mortgages ± 6 month dosed . 6 month convertible "1 year closed . . . . 3years closed 5 years closed - 7.25% /Q . 7.25% . 7.90% .8.00% *Rates subject to change without notice For your convenience, Duca is now opèn every ' Saturday during the month of Fëbmary frôrn 9:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. to accommodate your RRSP ' questions and contributions, y CA CREDIT UNION Oshiiw.ii & Bowmanville Branches, Manager Paul Muller 15 Charles Street 136 King Street East Phone: (905) 728-4658 Phone: (905) 623-6343 E-mail: duca.info@duca.com Internet: www.duca.com k YOUTH DANCE - NEWCASTLE The Optimist Club of Newcastle Village is sponsoring a Youth. Dance for ages 10 - 14 on Friday, February 11, 2000, Newcastle Community Hall from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. Admission is $5.00. VALENTINE DANCE Music! Music! Music! by "Down on the Comer Gang" with Bonnie Cowle, Friday, February 11, 2000 at 7:30. p.m., Clarington Beech Centre, 26 Beech Avenue, Bowmanville, 697-2856. Tickets $6.00 per person. VOLUNTEERS NEEDED The Distress Centre Durham needs volunteers for Its' 24 hour telephone helpline. Next training session is Sunday, March 5th and 12th; 8:45 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. Contact Victoria at 905-723-4461. y :- HOSTS "IT'S NO BIG DEAL" Hearth Place Caticer Support Centre hosts a theatrical production production on Prostrate Cancer. This production will be pertinent pertinent to anyone wanting to learn: more about supporting people with the disease as well as volunteers and professionals professionals 'in' Health Services. Tuesday, February 15 at 7:00 p.m. at: the Oshawa library, Main Branch. Call 579-4833 to register. There will also be displays by Hearth Place, Us Two Prostrate Cancer .Support Group and the Canadian Cancer Society. ■. y.. ; .. EAST DURHAM HISTORICAL SOCIETY The Society is hold their Annual Héritage Fair and Sale, Sunday, February 20 from 12 noon to 4:00 p.m. at the Lion's Centre in Port Hope. 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