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■j 10 - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday. March 22, 2000 ) Well, I've been short and I've been (relatively) tall - and I can tell you, aside from attitudes, attitudes, it doesn't matter a scrap. Sometimes I think that all the anti-short jokes are just jealousy. That fellow, Scott Matalon, I mentioned earlier - - five-foot -three? His high school sweetheart was a six- foot model. Loved to slow dance. So did Scott. Think about it. ! n Northcutt Elliott | Ê] Funeral Home THOUGHTFULNESS, SERVICE & CONCERN A Family Owned Business, Offering: Traditional Funeral Services Pre-arranged & Prepaid Services - Cremation Arrangements Alternatives to Traditional Funerals - Out of Town Shipping CORY KUIPERS - PRESIDENT 53 Division Street 623-5668 Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 2Z8 OFF STREET PARKING SUBSCRIBE TO THE TIMES $25.00 a year. by Arthur Black YOU SHORT? NO PROBLEM PROBLEM A-TALL Well, I see that Short Guys are getting shafted again. Funny. Thanks to the current epidemic of Political Correctness it is an offence just this side of plane hijacking hijacking to make mock of anyone's race, nationality, sexual orientation, orientation, political affiliation, or religion. But short guys? Hey. Sock 'em with your best shot. A few years ago, the songwriter songwriter Randy Newman had a smash hit with an acidic little ditty entitled Short People. (Basic message - short people are insignificant). There's an Elmore Leonard . novel called "Get Shorty" which got turned Into a Hollywood movie of the same name. The "Shorty" of the title was played by Danny De Vito. . Who is... guess what? Yep. Knee high to a fire hydrant. Bad enough that short guys get the short end of the stick in the humour department - now scientists are wading in with evidence that short guys shortchanged in the romance department too. A study conducted conducted by a team of Polish and British researchers has concluded that tall men are sexually more attractive and have more children than short guys. "Absolute nonsense" declares John Hemphill, a men's wear salesman in Toronto. "I've done alright for myself. In fact, I'd like, to think short men have more sex appeal than tall men do." Mister Hemphill is five- foot-two. "Total BS" declares Scott Matalon. He claims all a guy needs is a resonant, confident voice to charm the ladies. "You have to keep talking and talking to get women's attention. attention. We make up for our height (or lack of it) with our personalities." Mister Matalon is five- foot-three. Hey - as a guy who was five-foot-two until he was 16, I am not sneering, believe me. I grew tip wincing under nicknames nicknames like 'Shortstuff and 'Shrimp'. I don't know why I took shortness as an insult. Napoleon was five-foot-six. Nikita Kruschev was five- three. . . Queen Victoria? Empress .of an Empire. On Which The Sim Never Set? Five-feet even. John Keats? One of the greatest poets in the English language? Didn't even hit the five-footmark. Alas, facts seldom get in the way of a stereotype. A few years back, an American shrink wrote a book called Too Small, Too Tall. It was an in-depth study of all the TJS Presidential elections between 190,4 and 1984 - focussing specifically on the height of the candidates. Conclusion: the taller candidate candidate made it into the Oval Office more than 80 percent of the time. Which is too bad. Think of some of the lanky boneheads that occupied that office. Best short-guy putdown I ever heard? From the lips of David Lloyd George, British Prime Minister and Statesman. Once, as an after dinner speaker, he was introduced introduced by an emcee this way: "I had expected to find Mister Lloyd George a big man in ever sense, but you see for yourselves that he is quite small in stature." Lloyd George came to the lectern, pulled himself up to his full five-foot-one, looked down at his introducer arid purred: "Where I come from, we measure a man from his chin up. You, evidently, measure from his chin down". Short, tall - who cares? There's a famous old quote from Sophie Tucker that goes "I've been rich and I've been poor - and rich is better." P MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM, REGION SINCE 1841 ALL FUNERAL SERVICES PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT" FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUL R. MORRIS GARY M. CONWAY DOUG R. RUTHERFORD DEBRA D. KELLEHER 623-5480 4 DIVISION ST.. BOWMANVILLE - AT QUEEN ST. tl if ♦♦♦♦♦♦ ♦♦V GOLF CLUB ♦♦♦♦ ♦♦♦♦♦♦ Corner of Taunton Rd. E. & Bethesda Rd., Bowmanville, Ontario * 263-2293 00000000 Morning Adults - $20 & tax Juniors - $15 & tax Attet i2 Noon Adults - $15 & tax Juniors - $10 & tax NOW OPEN FOR PLAY • WEATHER PERMITTING CALL 2 DAYS IN ADVANCE FOR TEE TIMES