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by Arthur Black NO CLAWS FOR COMPLAINT COMPLAINT I've got to make a trip to Canada's tiniest province coming up soon, and I'm not looking forward to it. Nothing wrong with Prince Edward Island. I love spuds. I read Milton Acorn's poetry. I've got nothing against Anne of Green Gables. It's lobsters. You can't make a trip to PEI without being invited to at least one lobster blowout. -And I (deep breath, now)...don't like lobster. lobster. It's a grievous cross to bear. Cooks and hosts look at you slack-jawed and incredulous incredulous when you tell them you'd just as soon have the Cobb salad. Not like lobster? What is this guy - some kinda communist? communist? Nope. And not a vegetarian vegetarian either. It's just that I don't like to conduct autopsies at the dinner table. There can be few more grisly scenes that the gross, bare-handed carnage that is unleashed at your average lobster dinner as claws are wrenched from steaming carapaces and cracked and crushed until they yield the flesh within. The air is thick with eyeballs, antennas, dismembered dismembered abdomens -- yuck And all this for the bottom-, feeding, hyper-ugly sea creature creature that is the lobster. Which, lets face it, is just a big cockroach with attitude. I guess my lack of lobster lust, influenced my feelings when the story" about Luther caught my eye. Luther. Luther the Lobster. Luther's an eight-pound crustacean who , lived uneventfully in the waters off Rhode Island until his luck ran out. Luther was caught in, a trap, hauled to the surface, graded, popped in a bit of bubble wrap, slapped in a box and Fed Ex'd to a fellow in Madison, Wisconsin - a birthday birthday present from his friends. They knew this guy just loved eating lobster. The recipient was delighted delighted with the gift. Lips smacking, smacking, he boiled up a pot of water, grabbed the still- healthy Luther just behind the front claws and was all set to pop him into the cauldron when he made a tactical error. He looked Luther in his little little beady left eye. That was it. There was no way this guy could kill and eat Luther after that. Fine. Next question: what Reduce the stress-- Reduce the road watch® speed. Euchre Results Wednesday Night Euchre Results for April 5 High - 1 ) Charlie Campbell Campbell & Wilda Simpson - 84, 3) Ray Staples - 81, 4) Robert Bubar & Isobel Taylor-78; Low - Thelma Vagg - 47; ' Draws - Gladys Greenwood, Greenwood, Edgar Millson, Velma Jakeman, Joan Sutcliffe, Sutcliffe, Shirley Bubar. Next card party: Wednesday, Wednesday, April 12 at 8 p.m. do you do with a live lobster? They're hard to housebreak and you can't take them for walks. Plus they aren't the brightest critter that ever erawdaddied out from under a rock. Can't even sit up, roll over or fetch. The fella tried phoning up pet stores. Would they be interested in adding" a living lobster to their inventory - conditional on the lobster not ending up on someone's plate? Long and sustained laughter from the pet store owners, die tried the local zoo. Not interested. When he called the local branch of the Humane Society, the man who answered the phone didn't laugh, nor did he question the caller's sobriety. "Bring 'im on down" said Paul Long. "We don't discriminate," said Long. "We've gotten just about everything here. But we've never had a lobster before. The lobster thing just about floored us." So Luther finally found himself among friends, but he still had a problem. Lobsters need largish bodies bodies of salt water - preferably an ocean -- to thrive. Madison, Wisconsin is a long walk from the Atlantic. That's when the employees at the Dane County Humane Society went the extra mile. They took up a collection, fit ted Luther out in his very own plastic foam CQolet, complete with a corrugated cardboard box. with lots of air holes, plenty of padding and three ice packs to keep the temperature temperature down where Luther liked it. Then they popped the whole kit and caboodle into an American Airlines business business class seat and flew him back to Rhode Island where he was returned to his underwater underwater home. "He probably came here in the cargo hold of an airplane," said Long. "But Luther went back first class." Lucky Luther. Lobsters usually only come with, two claws, but Luther had a third one. An Escape Claws. IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE 983-5301 $5.00 per person • Must have ticket to attend Tickets on sale Monday Preceeding Dance Thursday, April 13th, 2000 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Friday, April 28, 2000 from 1 to 9 p.m. MUNICIPALITY OF yfjlariruiton ONTARIO © Publication Date - April 19, 2000 P.O. # 6886