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6 - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, August 21,2002 Daycare Wanted in Orono Basic Black by Arthur Black Don't fall into Mel's hole gist with the state Department If you suffer from the twin afflictions of insomnia and radio addiction, chances are you know Art Bell. He runs a late-night, call-in radio show out of California that you can tune into pretty well anywhere in North America if you can find the signal. To say that Art caters to the weird and offbeat would be understating it. The thing that makes his show unique is that the word 'skeptic' is not in his vocabulary. He will take calls from anyone about anything and will pass no judgement whatsoever. Spotted a UFO? Art's all ears. Been kidnapped by a UFO? You're on the air. caller. Been kidnapped by a UFO piloted by giant Venusian lizards that took you to the centre of the earth where the aliens turn captured humans into sex slaves? Art will ask you for all the gory details. Needless to say, Art's got a corner on the North American Nutbar market. He's also got regular callers. One of them is a fellow fellow named Mel Waters. Maybe. No one actually knows where Mel lives, or if he even exists, but somebody who calls himself Me! Waters phones in to the show a lot. That's when the talk turns from giant subterranean lizards and two-headed moose fetuses to Mel's Hole. The hole is so named because it exists, allegedly, on land once owned by Mel Waters in bush country outside outside the small town of Ellensburg, Washington. According to local legend, what makes the hole special is that it is, well, bottomless. People have thrown rocks in and never heard them hit bottom. bottom. The hole has also been, folks say, the repository for old refrigerators, dead cows and other various and sundry kinds of flotsam and jetsam. It swallows them whole without without a trace. Chatting with Art Bell, the Man Who Calls Himself Mel Waters claimed he once lowered 80,000 feet of weighted fishing line without without hitting bottom. Not surprisingly, Mel's Hole is being invested with supernatural capabilities. One man swears that he threw a dead dog in the hole one day and saw it romping around in the woods the next. Others are convinced the hole has magical magical powers to cure human ailments ailments like migraines and arthritis. The most popular theory is that Mel's I Iole is a portal to a parallel universe (probably how those giant Venusian lizards got in). There's just one tiny problem problem with Mel's Hole. No one can find it. You'd think a hole that was used as a neighbourhood neighbourhood dump for generations would be easy to spot, but no, collective amnesia seems to have settled over the Washington boonies. No one can quite remember where Mel's Hole is. And Mel? Well, he won't say. In his calls to the Art Bell show, Mel claims that soldiers in yellow gear showed up one day, and told him that it would be a good idea to (a) sell the property containing the hole to the U.S. government ASAP and (b) move to, oh, how about Australia, even quicker. quicker. Otherwise, Mel claimed, they promised to "find" an illegal drug lab on his land and throw him in the slammer indefinitely. Mel says he took the payoff and split, but that his ahem, conscience won't let him remain silent any longer. There are several gaps in the Mel's Hole paranormal theory, each of them just slightly smaller than Mel's Fiole itself. For one thing, the geology of the area. It's what they call volcanic lahar, brittle and unstable. You don't find many caves in such rock - certainly not deep ones. For another thing, Mel's statement about lowering 80,000 feet of weighted fishing fishing line into the hole without hitting bottom. Folks, that getting on for 16 MILES of paid-out line. Never mind the sheer, mind-boggling logistics of unreeling anything that huge and cumbersome in the middle of the bush -- a geolo- of Natural Resources says the heat of the earth would burn or melt a fishing line long before it got that deep. None of which deters the Mel's Hole conspiracy theorists theorists for a nanosecond. For them, The Truth Is Down There. If nobody can find Mel's Hole, then that's because secret agents of the U.S. government must have covered it with a concrete pad and camouflaged the entire area. What do I think? Well, I've never seen Mel's Hole. Never even met a Mel's Hole believer, but 1 hope to someday. someday. You see, 1 own the rights to the CN Tower and I've been looking for a buyer.... Daycare needed before and after school for a 9-year-old boy. Non-smoking family Please call Carole at 905-213-0295 cell. Know somebody who should be featured in our sports section? Call The Orono Weekly Times 905-983-5301 m MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM REGION SINCE 1841 ALL FUNERAL SERVICES PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT" FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUL R. MORRIS DOUG R. RUTHERFORD GARY M. CONWAY DEBRA D. KELLEHER 623-5480 4 DIVISION ST.. BOWMANVILLE - AT QUEEN ST. m Everyone Welcome! John R. O'Toole, MRP Durham Annual Barbecue Durham Provincial PC Riding Association Wednesday, August 28, 5:00 pm Ontario & Trillium Trails, Osliawa 53 Snow Ridge Court (off Simcoe Street North) Raglan Guest'Speaker: The Hon. David Tsubouchi, Chair, Management Board of Cabinet and Minister of Culture Fred DeVries proprietor • FREE ESTIMATES • COMPETITIVE RATES • • INSURANCE CLAIMS • FRED'S AUTOBODY (905) 623-6353 163 Baseline Road, Unit 1 Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 3L4 Complete Collision Repair, Restoration and Refinishing Qaringtm Leading the Way CORPORATION OF THE MUNICIPALITY OF CLARINGTON PUBLIC NOTICE www.municipality.clarington.on.ca NOTICE OF HIGHWAY CLOSING A PORTION OF THE UNOPENED ROAD ALLOWANCE BETWEEN BLOCKS 2 & 3, ACCORDING TO C.G. HANNING'S PLAN IN LOT 28, CONCESSION 5, VILLAGE OF ORONO TAKE NOTICE THAT the Council of the Corporation of the Municipality of Clarington, at the meeting to be held in the Council Chambers, 40 Temperance Street, Bowmanville, Ontario, on Monday, September 16 th at 7:00 p.m., proposes to pass a by-law to stop up and close a portion of the unopened road allowance between Blocks 2 & 3, according to C.G. Hanning's Plan of the Village of Orono, shown as Part 4, Plan 40R-21260. AND FURTHER TAKE NOTICE THAT before passing the said by-law, Council or a Committee of Council shall hear in person, or by his Counsel, Solicitor or Agent, any person who claims that his land will be prejudicially affected by this by-law and who applies to be heard. Patti L. Barrie, A.M.C.T. Clerk Municipality of Clarington 40 Temperance Street Bowmanville, ON L1C 3A6