The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

{ Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, November 13,2002 - S Orono Beavers participated in Sunday's Remembrance Day parade in Orono. ! HANDS OFF THE HAGIS! Much may be made of a Scotchman ~ if he be caught young. That smart-ass remark fell from the smirking lips of unrepentant unrepentant Anglophone Samuel Johnson, about two and a half centuries ago. The Old Lexicographer wasn't the first to casually slander the folks who dwell in Great Britain's attic - and he was hardly the last. Indeed, where would the modern-day Lettermans and Lenos of the world be without that amiable ethnic punching bag known as The Scot? We live in a time of hyper political correctness - woe betide the yuckster who essays a one-liner about Poles, Jews, Pakistanis, Irish or Indians - East, West or North American. Jokes about Germans? Verboten. Bon mots about French Canadians? Quelle scandale! A Newfie joke can earn you a slap upside the ear- hole with a frozen cod - but a Scottish joke? Och, aye! Fire away, laddie! When it comes to slapstick, broadsides and piercing wit, The Scot is the last, safe, national national pinata. One can publicly poke fun at Auld Jock McTavish with impunity. It is perfectly acceptable, in mixed company, to laugh about Scots' legendary cheapness; to snicker about men in skirts; to roll the eyes about people who would attempt to pass off oatmeal as a national dish, plaid as a national national costume and the bagpipes as a musical instrument. Thafs alright. We Scots (I myself am descended from a long and venerable line of Lowland sheep molesters) - are a doughty, resilient people. We were rolling with the punches long before that fat Sassenach Sam Johnson came along to give us a verbal cuff. But this time, by the beard hairs of Macbeth's three Weird Sisters - this time they've gone too far. They're attacking The Haggis. Aye, The Haggis. "Grrrrreat chieftain o' the puddin' race", as Rabbie Bums, the great chieftain chieftain of Scots poetry, so grandly dubbed it. Haggis - that culinary culinary staple of Gaelic gastronomy, gastronomy, as traditional as neeps and tatties - has been declared unfit for human consumption. It's the bloody Brits, as usual. The Food Standards Agency, a British government clutch of bumble-headed functionaries, functionaries, has formally petitioned petitioned officials in the European Common Market to ban Haggis. Why? Because there is a 'theoretical' risk that a person may contract Creutzfeldt-Jakob (mad-cow) disease from eating haggis. Now, how is that possible, given that haggis doesn't have a scrap of beef in it? Haggis consists consists of oatmeal, suet, spices and the heart, lungs and liver of a, wait for it, - lamb - all encased in a sheep's stomach casing. Nonetheless, the Food Standards Agency insists that the sheep intestine casing of the haggis is perilous on the dinner plate because said sheep 'may have' eaten the same tainted feed that spreads mad-cow disease disease in cattle - even though there has never been a reported case of any sheep canying the cattle form of the disease. What makes the charge even more ludicrous is the fact that the bureaucrats are not concerned concerned about the haggis itself - just the casing it traditionally comes in. But traditionally, the casing isn't eaten - so where's the problem? Answer: nowhere. In last Friday's edition of the Glasgow Daily Record a columnist by the name of Michael Christie crows: "The haggis has been saved from tile hands of- the Eurocrats." Turns out that sheep stomach isn't covered by the European Common Market's lexicon of governable food commodities, so haggis gets off on a technicality. I don't believe Scots were ever really worried. They recognized recognized the threat for what it was - just another bout of the petty Anglo harassment of Scots that's been going on for centuries. Puts me in mind of the time a Scot and an Englishman were out on a stroll, arguing as always, the merits of their two tribes, when they came across a magic lamp. Quick as a wink, Reginald picks it up and gives it a rub with the cuff of his tweed jacket. Sure enough, a Genie swirls up before them. It grants them each one wish. "I want a giant wall all around England, to keep these heathen Scots out forever." says the Englishman. "It is done," says the Genie as he turns to the Scot, "And your wish, sir?" Jock asks for some details about this new wall. "It is 500 feet high" says the Genie, "and twenty feet thick. Nothing can get in or out." "Grrrrand" says the Scot. "Now fill it with water." Checkout Stutt's V Pharmacy N k Unique Gifts for any occasion as weii as Christmas k 5344 Main S(„ Orono » 905-983-5009 DBflfe Dicken's Day in Newcastle Bemie McNamee, host of CBC Radio's Canada at Five and of the Business Network is coming to the Newcastle Town Hall on Saturday, November 30 at 4:30 to take a part in the reading of Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol". McNamee will be joined by four others, all Canadian actors and friends of the min ister of the Newcastle Community Church for the Church's third annual Christmas Carol reading. Jeff Douglas, a native of Truro, Nova Scotia, and known to millions of Canadians as Joe Canada of the famous "I am a Canadian rant" will participate with Continued on page 9 Orono Toastmasters receive awards At their recent annual Charter celebration held on November 5th, Bowmanville Toastmasters not only looked back with pride on fifteen successful successful years as a club, but they also honoured several members for their individual achievements. achievements. Three Orono residents were among the club's award winners. winners. Dawna Hawkshaw was the recipient of the Table Topics of the Year Award. Participation in Table Topics (impromptu speech) can be one of the most daunting experiences, as each person must learn to think and speak on any given topic without without preparation. Leroy Corkum received the Evaluator of the Year Award for his many insightful and helpful speech evaluations. The Toastmaster of the Year Award is a special presentation by the club to a member who has been involved in five out of six categories of Toastmasters activities. They include, for example, attendance and participation participation at club level and beyond, leadership, and achievement of educational goals. This year's recipient was Irene Konzelmann. Other award winners were Ian McDougall as Speaker of the Year and Jeff Claringbold, Past President, who received the Spark Plug Award for his lively contributions to the business business sessions. m m i $| Clarke Museum & Archives 1 ra u | CHRISTMAS OPEN HOUSE] 1 fil a s m Sunday, December 1, 2002 | 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. I m a M if i I I Entertainment by "The Country Four" Barbershop Quartet Free Admission ~ Refreshments 1 8 m il Please call 905-983-9243 for more information ay m MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM REGION SINCE 1841 ALL FUNERAL SERVICES PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT' FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUL R. MORRIS GARY M. CONWAY DOUG R. RUTHERFORD DEBRA D. KELLEHER 623-5480 4 DIVISION ST.. BOWMANVILLE - AT QUEEN ST. u: