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Ummmmm, maybe later Never put off until tomorrow tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain So I'm sitting on my favourite stool in one of my favourite public establishments, establishments, sipping my favourite beverage (relax, ma, it's coffee coffee - and decaf at that) when a wild-haired guy looms up in front of me and says: "We need to talk." Why?" I say. "Why not?" he says. So we talk. Or rather, he does. Turns out he thinks he's "a pretty funny guy" and wants to write a newspaper column. He wants to know how I got started. How much I get paid. But mostly: "How long does it take you to write one of those things anyway?" Oh boy. Alright, let's consider the modest screed unspooling before your eyes, right now, Dear Reader. When you get to the end you will have read (I trust) 70 to 75 sentences, give or take. That's about 780-odd words. Approximately half a page of tabloid newspaper space, if the editor has been generous with his type size. And how long did it take me to write those 785 words? Seven days. It always takes me seven days, because I have to write a new column every week, and I start on next week's column the moment I send this week's to the editor. Sort of. Column-writing is a delicate business. You can't just fire up the computer and rattle it off. It's like a Japanese tea ceremony - certain certain rituals and ancient customs customs must be observed. For instance, on the dawn of the first day of tackling a new column column I find it helpful to smash my left fist down on the alarm clock and bag an extra hour or so of sleep. That way, I can approach the new column refreshed, and rested. I also believe in writing discipline and decorum. I know some of my more slovenly colleagues happily slump in front of their monitors monitors and peck out their prose dressed in rumpled pyjamas and three-day beard stubble. Not for me, thank you. I don't go near my desk until I've shaved, showered, etceteraed and picked out my wardrobe for the day. By then it's time for breakfast. No point in writing on an empty stomach, right? No point in trying to kick- start a cold motor,either. I always take time after breakfast breakfast to do the cryptic crossword crossword in my morning paper, to get the creative juices flowing. Cryptics can be tough. Often the clues contain allusions to politics or sports. I find it helpful to digest the entire newspaper before I even try the crossword. Usually I have the crossword crossword finished by 10 AM, about the time my dogs are clamouring for their morning walk. Other people go to the gym, swim lengths, lift weights -- I walk the dogs. I don't try to hurry it or cram it into a twenty-minute time slot. Proper dog-walking can pretty No One Cares for Your Property Like... mr trim 1 awn R Garden Services * Spring & Fall Cleanup 905-263-2772 Crass Cutting- Weed Control Fertilizing • Insect Control Shrub Pruning • Lawn Aeration Lawn Rolling • Snow Clearing Eavestrough Cleaning Landscape Design & Installation j 1 I'm: NEWCASTLE FUNERAL HOME Family owned and operated by Carl Good, Funeral Director, and Joyce Kufta 386 Mill St. S., Newcastle 905-987-3964 w w w.ncwca st le fun era Ihomc. com "Caring for our Community " much eat up the rest of the morning. But they're worth it. After lunch, there's a postprandial postprandial torpor that takes hold making the eyelids heavy and any thought of intellectual work (i.e. column-writing) highly unattractive. As a writing writing professional, I never give in to this feeling. Instead I resurrect the crossword and vigorously attack the remaining, remaining, unsolved clues until sleep overtakes me. My barking dogs invariably invariably awaken me before the entire afternoon is lost. A perfect time to get up and get working on that column -- except, as the dogs, so clearly indicate, it's time for their afternoon walk. By the time we get back to the house, the dinner gong is sounding. Hi- ho. What's a struggling writer to do? Evenings are not very productive, productive, I find. There are chores to take care of, phone calls to respond to and besides, The Simpsons are usually on. I try to get to bed early because morning comes all too soon, and I have an alarm clock to bushwhack. This is pretty much the pattern pattern for the first six days of my writing week. On the seventh day I arise like a samurai warrior. warrior. Grim. Determined. I barely glance at the crossword. crossword. On this day my partner walks the dogs. I sit down at my desk, fire up the computer, poise my hands like incoming eagle talons over the keyboard and.... Notice how messy my desk is. I straighten things up. I check my email. I sharpen my pencils, check my email again, re-set my computer clock, check the email to see if I've had any late deliveries, and then... Ibitethebulletputmynosetothe grindstonemyshouldertothe- wheelrollupmysleevespullmy- selfupbymybootstrapskeep- myeyeontheballand JUST WRITE THE DAMN COLUMN! COLUMN! Let's see, that's.... 777...778...yep, 779 words. There now. That wasn't so hard, was it? Book picks for the month of June from the Clarington Public Library The Burglar on the Prowl by Lawrence Block . The Burglar on the Prowl is the tenth installment or Lawrence Block'spopular Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries. Old fans and new readers of this series will have no problems diving into Bernie's latest escapade. Antiquarian book dealer by day and master burglar by night, Bernie never hesitates to help a friend in need - in this case Marty Gilman, whq begs Bernie to help him get revenge on Crandall Roundtree Mapes, the cad who stole his mistress. The favour isn't complicated complicated - just another easy break-in to empty Mapes' safe of some of his ill-gotten gains. But Bernie, feeling a little bit antsy and out-of-practice, goes on the prowl and finds himself himself accused of another burglary and a double murder. In trying trying to extract himself from this predicament and at the same time right a couple of wrongs, Bernie provides the reader with a boisterous and amusing caper through the streets of Manhattan Green Grass Running Water By Thomas King . If you visit the town of Blossom you might stop in at the Dead Dog Cafe for a bite to eat. You might also meet some of the locals: Charlie, a flashy lawyer, Lionel, a self-effacing TV salesman, and Alberta, a woman who wants a child, but not a husband, and can't decide if she loves Charlie or Lionel. Throw into the mix five mythical characters who are on the lam from the local psychiatric hospital and you have a cosmic/comic romp through myth and the modem world. Back to school essentials t Medic Alert ALWAYS ON CALL W W W . m odloolort.cn For mort* informntlon 1-866-848-3259 My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult . Imagine conceiving a child with the sole intention of saving saving another. In Jodi Picoult's latest book she explores the complicated world of child illness, when one child in the family is struck by an aggressive form of leukemia and the only way to save her is to have another child that is a genetic genetic match to act as a donor. Anna has turned 13, and while she has participated in several operations to save her sister Kate in the past, she is beginning to wonder if the demands on her own body will ever stop. She decides to bring the operations to an end by hiring a lawyer to petition the court for medical emancipation from her parents giving her the legal right to make her own medical decisions, but will she be prepared for the consequences if the judge grants her this huge responsibility? responsibility? Picoult tells this heart wrenching tale from several different points of view, including all of the immediate family family members as well as the lawyer and social worker involved with the case. The Valley of Light By Terry Kay . This is an enjoyable and quiet read, complete with visions ot small town life, biblical references and incredible fishing stories. When Noah Locke returns from the Second World War, he drifts from town to town, using his gift for fishing to pay his way. Taking the advice of a stranger, Noah sets out for the Bowerton also called "The Valley of Light" to participate in an annual fishing fishing contest and to chase down a legendary fish that resides in one of the local lakes. He is soon welcomed by a community that is full of people who are also recovering from their losses in the war. As the story moves on Noah quickly makes friends and possibly finds love, but must decide when a local boy goes missing missing and Noah finds the body, if he will stay or move on once more. • Wedding Cakes • Cakes for all Occasions • Pastries - Donuts - Pies • Bread & Buns 905-983-9779 Closed Sunday and Monday Main Street, Orono Proprietors: Gary & Carol Vrcckcr