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8 - Orono Weekly Times Basic Black by Arthur Black Ouch! That hurts There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Shakespeare Indeed. One of the big differences differences (aside from a heartbeat) heartbeat) between Hamlet's close personal pal Horatio and your obedient correspondent is that I am acutely aware of how dumb I am. I fully accept that there are many terrestrial phenomena phenomena that will forever remain a mystery to me. I will never fathom the intricacies of quantum physics. I dpn't expect to master conversational conversational Urdu in my lifetime. Nor will. I ever figure out. the Byzantine kinks and curlicues of Michael Jackson's brain. I will also never understand piercings. Body piercings, I mean. Wherein a person voluntarily pays to have his or her carcass bored, reamed, stitched, drilled or stapled, Yes, stapled. One of the latest latest piercing fads (that we can discuss in a family newspaper) involves having large metal staples punched into one s body. I had a staple punched into my body once. In a rush to meet a history class deadline, deadline, I inadvertently (okay, clumsily) managed to staple the web between my left thumb and forefinger to a ten page essay about Samuel de Champlain. It hurt like hell when I did it and smarted for days afterwards. I can't imagine imagine pay ing to have that done to me. There are a lot of things about body piercings that I. can't imagine. Piercings and moi parted company 35 years - ago when the Hollywood epic A Man Called Horse hit the movie screens. You haven t seen it? Lucky you. It's all about an itinerant Englishman played by Richard Harris, who hooks up with a band of Sioux Indians. There, he partakes partakes of a tribal custom called the Sun Vow ritual wherein the devotee (Harris) is hoisted off the ground by means of ropes hooked through his pectoral pectoral muscles. Sound grisly? Looks worse. After I saw Richard Harris ratcheting sky wards, howling and grimacing, grimacing, I couldn't entertain the concept of an earlobe piercing, piercing, much less anything more visceral. The thing that gets me about piercings is that they're so useless. All that agony and disfigurement, the swelling and risk of infection--for what? A safety pin through your eyebrow or a D ring through your septum will not put you on the fast track to fame and riches. In fact, the more flamboyantly visual piercings will shrink your circle circle of friends and limit your choice of professions, all of which will include the phrase "Do you want fries with that". ■ But with most fads there comes a tipping point at which said fad either fades away or morphs into something something bigger. 1 believe body piercing has arrived at its tipr ping point thanks to a young Texan named James Sooy. James likes to dream up new and different ways of attaching attaching metal hardware permanently permanently to his person. I haven't met him but I like to think he has the standard eyebrow ring, nose plug and chin stud. He may even have those 'ear inserts' that make the bearer look like he's lugging around a couple of drink coasters in his ear lobes. What I know James Sooy has for sure is a tiny stainless steel barbell that runs right through the bridge of his nose. That's not so unusual. Lots of 'mod' enthusiasts have nose bridge barbells. What's different different about Sooy's barbell is...it's threaded. Each end of the barbell has been carefully milled to receive specially modified screw-on... eyeglass lenses. That's right. When you and I put on eyeglasses we hook them over our ears. When James Sooy puts on glasses he screws them right into his head. Is this dog gonna hunt? I don't think so. Sooy admits his invention can be a pain in the, well, nose. He says that to Wednesday. April 27, 2005 put them on or take them off is a ten-minute operation with a tiny screwdriver. I have to think that the market for a finicky gizmo like that is going to be deservedly minute. On the other hand, chances are Pierced Glasses will take off like a rocket. Even lead to other piercing innovations. How about à Timex spot-welded to your wrist? Your cellphone surgically surgically implanted on the side of your head? Don't ask me if Pierced Glasses will sink or swim. I'm the guy who once wrote that Leonard Cohen's singing sounds like a set of bagpipes being run over by a Zamboni. That same week he was named Canadian male vocalist of the year. I also bought Nortel stock and bet on the Canucks .to win the Stanley Cup. Twice. It's amazing I don't drive an Edsel. ROKA... "Were helping you build better!" Due to the recent closing of Orono Fuel and Lumber, we at Roka's invite you to try the neighbourhood TIM-BR Mart for all your building projects. The TIM-BR Mart Group has over 600 stores, Canadian owned and oper coasuo coast, with $1.2 billion purchasing power. Why dnvo to Os^a when you can visit Roka TIM-BR Mart, your local building centre. Located just 10 minutes north of Orono at 123 Hwy. #35. Slip W iifii'iiilHÜl! Cabinetry, countertops, sinks & faucets, toilets, tubs, showers, vanities, hardware, doors, windows, wood flooring, lumber, pressure-treated wood products, tools, drywall, insulation, cement, pipes, vinyl siding, paint, roof trusses, lawn/garden & pool supplies, steel interlocking brick... \|';l| m I You can visit us by calling 705-277-3381, click on and 10:00 am - 4:00 pm on Sunday. We look forward to seeing you u.e.ei