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8 - Ofono Weekly Times Wednesday, May 24,2006 Basic Black by Arthur Black A loaf of bread, a The lust far comfort. That stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master. Kahlil Gibran There was a Golden Age when the needs of humankind were specific specific and few. Breathable air, clean water, a few turnips in the larder and a woolen blanket on the bed. It wasn't enough, of course. It never is for humankind. Enough for what? For everything, jug of wine and a really. Warmer blankets on the bed. Designer water by Evian and a Hardee's Monster Thick- burger with 1420 calories calories and 107 grams of fat--more than your average Somali family would see in a week. Did you want fries with that? We live in an age. of wretched excess, folks. Did you ever think you'd see a time when consumers consumers would cheerfully lash out a couple of hundred hundred bucks for a pair of running shoes? Fifty singing jacknife dollars for a short-back- and-sides from the barber? barber? Four bucks for a Starbucks coffee? It gets worse. Herewith Herewith a six-pack of products products on the market you'd have to be nuts to crave, much less pay for, Number one: the jigsaw jigsaw puzzle alarm clock. This is a beauty for all those masochists on your Christmas list. It's a timepiece that doesn't merely jangle at 7 a.m.--it explodes like an Afghanistan! IED, spraying pieces of a jig saw puzzle all over your bedroom.' The kicker is--you have to assemble the jigsaw jigsaw puzzle before the alarm will shut off! Isn't that FUN? Crawling around half-awake a- mong the dust-bunnies under the bed in the predawn predawn gloom looking for shards of a jigsaw while the alarm howls like a banshee in the background? background? I can think of at least one giftee I'd love to send the Jig Saw Alarm Clock to, but I'm not sure that in his current current circumstances Saddam Saddam can accept gifts from the outside. Number two: Poop Freeze. Sorry, this one's for pet owners only-- and owners of incontinent incontinent pets at that. It's an aerosol freeze spray which, the manufacturers manufacturers claim, forms "a frosty film on dog or cat Classified Business Directory 4 5 Boss McKenzie v 1 ;'S n Tax & Accounting s n Services ||1 il 30+Years Experience a|S .. I Competitive Rates 1 f il 905-987-5245 p$'f: lm 1 • » ■ i -, -v w. .y,-:.,". ■ ■"„■■ ■ . -v:-.. /; ■wt-- Pro ^Painting Why Wait... Book your spring projects now! - Excellent Rates ~ 905-983-5761 Clifford Francis Fine Finishes by T. 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Bring along your five-iron and you've got a whole new recreational diversion-- the Poop 'n Putt Invitational. Invitational. ..Speaking of instru j ments of mass distraction, distraction, do you own a Swiss Army Knife?. You do? Well, trade it in because it's obsolete. I don't care if it's got the tweezers, the pincers, the magnifying magnifying glass, the fish scaler AND the corkscrew with the eyeglass-screwdriver eyeglass-screwdriver attachment--it's Totally Yesterday, I tell you. What you need is the all-new Swissbeat. It's a knife with all the usual Swiss ' Army accoutrements accoutrements (blade, nail file, scissors) - plus an MP3 player, an FM radio and a voice recorder. Not to mention a remote control browser, browser, high quality earphones earphones and a memory capable of storing up to 250 songs. Not so much a jack knife as a home entertainment entertainment centre--on your belt. No charge for the hernia. But hey, all this frenetic frenetic activity can wear a body down. You look like you're ready for a tall, cold one. How about a beer--a very special beer? You're in luck. Both Labatt and Molsoti are about to launch brand new brew- skis that kick the : slats out of traditional beers. We all know that beer makes you drowsy, fat and. stupid, right? Not any more. This New Beer from Labatt and Molson is chock-full of... caffeine. That's right--with the New Beer, you can be jumpy, fat and stupid! And if the beer doesn't doesn't give you a big enough buzz, shuck off your clothes, hop in the shower shower and lather yourself up 1 with Shower Shock. It's an all-vegetable-based glycerine bar soap that's been steeped in caffeine. The manufacturers claim that soaping up with Shower Shock will allow teensy-weensy molecules of caffeine to be absorbed by your skin. You may go into the shower as a dozy, somnolent sluggard, but a few minutes with Shower Shock and you'll tear back'that shower curtain to face the world like a hyperventilating (albeit, naked) Ninja warrior. Before your shower (and especially if you've had a Caffienabeer or two) you might want to crayon the local EMO Cardiac Arrest Unit . phone number on your bathroom mirror, just as a precaution. Ah, Brave New World. Where all a chap needs is a stereo pocket knife, an aerosol can of poop-freeze, one cold beer and a hot shower designed to make you nervous. Excuse me. I'm going to çheck the larder for turnips. » • be a non-smoker • eat 5-10 servings of vegetables and fruit a day • be physically active • • limit your alcohol consumption • use sun protection • follow cancer-screening guidelines Find out MORE about reducing your risk of developing cancer, Call us at 1 888 939-3333 or visit www.cancer.ca. Canadian Société Cancer canadienne Society du cancer