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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, August 16,2006 - Basic Black by Arthur Black Too dumb to be true Just got a beauty e- mail. "PLEEEEEEASE REEEEAD THIS!" the subject line screams, "It was on the Good Morning Morning America Show..." The accompanying e- mail explains that for every person I forward the message to, Microsoft Microsoft will send me a cheque for $245.00. For every third person that receives it, Bill Gates will see that I get a cheque for $241.00. Why would Microsoft Microsoft do that? Because they're running "an e- mail beta test" says the sender. Oh, of course. An e- mail beta test. There are only two valid philosophical responses responses to an e-mail like this: "Yeah." And "Right". Hard to believe there are sentient humans out there credulous enough to fall for something as palpably phony as this. Still, it does help to explain how George Bush got elected twice. Okay, once. It also helps to explain the continuing popularity of Urban Legends. Legends. You know- modem folklore--wildly folklore--wildly improbable stories that travel at the speed of light, precisely because the people who tell them are so utterly convinced they're gospel. Most often, the teller insists that the event happened to their cousin's boyfriend boyfriend or an uncle's ex- wife or to 'a friend of a friend'. That's why a lot of Urban Legend collectors refer to these tales as FOAF's--Friend-Of-A- Friend stories. You know the ones I mean: stories about a woman poisoned by spiders spiders nesting in her beehive beehive hairdo; stories about cement-filled Cadillacs, microwaved Chihuahuas and kids decapitated by a ceiling fan while jumping on a hotel bed. Never happened any one of them. Simple common sense would tell you that. And how about that totally ridiculous story of Larry, the guy who attached 42 helium balloons balloons to an aluminum lawn chair in his girlfriend's girlfriend's backyard and, armed with a six-pack and a pellet pistol, soared to 16,000 feet over Los Angeles? The story claimed he stayed aloft for an hour and a half and was spotted, in flight, by the pilots of at least two airliners. Legend had it that Larry executed a controlled controlled descent by shooting shooting out selected helium balloons with his air pistol. pistol. But only after his feet started to get cold. Can you believe anyone anyone in the world could be gullible enough to fall for a tall tale like that? Well...actually folks... that one is true. Outlandish as it sounds, there was a guy--a Los Angeles truck driver named Larry Walters-- who, on July 2,1982 actually did all of the above--and lived to talk about it on the David Letterman Show. He almost didn't make it. Some of his balloons got snarled in - power lines and caused a blackout in an L.A. residential residential neighbourhood. Larry could have been, quite literally, toast, but his chair cleared the lines and he and his lawn chair came in for a three- point landing. Officers from the Federal Aviation Agency were waiting for him. They'd never had to deal with a flying lawn chair before, but they improvised improvised brilliantly. Walters was charged with 'reckless 'reckless operation of an aircraft', aircraft', 'failure to stay in communication with the tower' and (my favourite) favourite) 'flying a civil aircraft for which there is not Classified Business Directory m Auto Wreckers and Used Cars JOE MENDONCA Manager Phone: 905-987-4636 91 Cowanville Rd„ Newcastle, ON L1B1L9 LARRY JACKSON PLUMBING & WATER CONDITIONING • Backhoe Work/Trenching • Pump Repairs & Installation • UV Lights • Water Softeners • Free Estimates For Friendly, Expert Service 905-983-6214 "We're here to serve you" ROBERT E. JACKSON Heating • Electrical Air Conditioning Authorized Consumers Gas Dealer Independent Lennox Dealer Furnaces • Air Conditioners and Appliances Main Street, Orono 983-6221 Fine Finishes by T. 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IVAN JONES TONY FANARA Orono 905-983-5303 Hampton 905-263-9988 | Automotive Specialties BRIAN COUVIER licenced Technician 117 Mill St, Orono LOB 1M0 905-983-9919 J "Look to us for all y our general repairs to most make & models' Rims • Tires • Brakes r Tune-Ups Custom Exhaust Castrai Engine Oil & Filter Service Specials ' Car & Truck Accessories ; Professional Installation ■ Debra Inglis Interior Design CuiMBhpery tessfW 4312 Con<s#6;~Kef(îal 905-983-5900 Clarington Beech Centre 26 Beech Ave„ Bowmanville Modern Facility Historical Setting Weddings, Banquets, Meetings (30 to 250 people) Self-catering kitchen. • 905-697-2856 ■ ' .■ ", : y i \ v ' ■: . CHATTERTON ELECTRIC RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL • INDUSTRIAL POLE LINE CONSTRUCTION Dave Chatterton Orono, Ontario Tel: 905-983-5546 If no answer: 905-983-5940 currently in effect an airworthiness airworthiness certificate'. They dinged him 1,500 bucks for his little adventure. Could have been worse. Could have been like Patrick Lawrence, a 27-year-old unemployed wallboarder who was arrested in a pumpkin patch on the outskirts of Macon, Georgia last. month. The charge: public intoxication, public public indecency, and also lewd and lascivious behaviour. The reality: Patrick Lawrence was arrested for... having his way... with a pumpkin. As the arresting officer, officer, Brenda Taylor, explained explained it, "I just went up to (Lawrence) and said, 'Excuse me sir,'but do you realize that you are... involved with a pumpkin? 1 " At which the drunken Taylor looked up and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?" True story? Of course not. But possibly a sign that Urban Legends are developing a sense of humour. A Monarch butterfly pollinating the Joe Pye-weed at the Crown Lands in Orono.