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! i f 8 • Qrono Weekly Times Wednesday. August 30,2006 Basic Black by Arthur Black Life is unfair Poor Jimmy Carter. Back in the 60's, late- night show comedians turned the 39th president of the United States into a human punching bag for making the above remark--which was, after all, the simple truth. Life IS unfair. Look around you. O.J. Simpson gets to spend the rest of his life playing golf and getting high with hookers when everybody with two brain cells knows he's a low-life double-murderer. double-murderer. The Oval Office is occupied by a man who* without wealth and connections, connections, would probably probably be working out of a booth wearing a funny hat and a speaker phone, endlessly asking "You- all want pork rinds with that?" U.S. lumber barons steal billions from Canada through manipulation manipulation of a crooked softwood softwood lumber deal. Our craven government advises advises us to settle for what we can get. The Toronto Maple Leafs are poised to not win the Stanley Cup for the 43rd consecutive season--oh, life is un fair, alright. But every once in a long while the Goddess of Justice peeps out from under her blindfold and tilts her scales, ever so slightly, just to keep the rascals among us--if not honest--at least looking warily over their shoulders. Herewith four news stories that ended happily (although not necessarily for the principals). principals). THE JUMPER. This would be the 45-year- old fellow who treated a BC Ferry as his personal diving board last summer. summer. He was cruising past Mayne Island on The Spirit of British Columbia when he decided that he'd like to visit. So he jumped. Not a good idea. B.C. Ferries are big and fast; the north Pacific is cold, and from three decks up--hard. The Jumper described the experience thusly: "Have your buddies jump on yoiir stomach a few times, hit you on the arse with a two-by-four and then throw you in the washing machine and agitate for about five minutes." He neglected to mention mention the excitement of having the Coast Guard, the Mounties, a rescue boat from the ferry and members of Mayne Island Search and Rescue Rescue all eager to 'have a chat' after he hauled himself, bruised and bleeding, up on shore. In the end The Jumper was given six months probation, probation, a $1392 fine and lifetime banishment from BC Ferries. "It was an incredibly stupid thing to do, "The Jumper told the court. Judge Loretta Chaperon rendered a four-word verdict on that assessment. assessment. "You've got that right," she said. DOOF DOOFUSES. You know that brainless, thumping music you hear coming from muscle muscle cars and SUVs usually usually piloted by mullethaired mullethaired morons? Music consisting of two chords Learn how to talk to others cc7 Q about their r smoking. Jârsmokers'HELPLiNE " râMAniAN TAWrFR SOTIFTY v/,1^ CANADIAN CANCER SOCIETY TOLL-FREE 1-877-513-5333 Classified Business Directory Auto Wreckers and Used Cars 'i/ie Mam JOE MENDONCA Manager Phone: 905-987-4636 91 Cowanville Rd., Newcastle, ON L1B1L9 LARRY JACKSON PLUMBING & WATER CONDITIONING • Backhoe Work/Trenching • Pump Repairs & Installation • UV Lights • Water Softeners • Free Estimates For Friendly, Expert Service 905-983-6214 "We're here to serve you" ROBERT E. JACKSON Heating • Electrical Air Conditioning Authorized Consumers Gas Dealer Independent Lennox Dealer Furnaces • Air Conditioners and Appliances Main Street, Orono 983-6221 GRUNDY'S COUNTRY UPHOLSTERY 3375 Cone. Rd. 7 (905) 983-9874 www.grundysupholstery.com BRYON GRUNDY Fine Finishes by T. Osmond COMPLETE Furniture Repair and Restoration Caning • Veneering • Carving French Polishes & Wicker Repair 905-786-2477 Experience You Can Trust RESTORATION & General Contracting Inc. 24 Hour Emergency Service Wafer • Fire • Smoke Wind Damage Custom Homes Additions • Renovations Inferior/Exterior Certified • Licenced Insured ADAM CUMMINGS 905-897-7172 adamrel@hellnel.iia I.. ; i""---f Orono Veterinary Hospital Dr. Derek de Haan Dr, Mathew Stephenson 30 Cobbledick St., Orono LOB 1M0 Tel: 905-983-9010 Fax: 905-983-5308 IfeztrsagtxiiuiLgnLfiigtitu'S* ü aO*Va\ / « .? ..,11 % 5 fS|M 8 @ Automotive Specialties BRIAN COUVIER Licenced Technician 117 Mill St. Orono LOB 1M0 905-983-9919 "Look to us for all your general ' repairs to most make <£ models" /. -Rims'.Tires-Brakes'Tune-Ups ; Custom Exhaust Systems Caslrol Engine Oil & Filter Service Specials Car & Truck Accessories ■ Professional Installation .;/• Complete Residential _ ' ' Renovations, Additions and New Structures Windows • Soffit • Interlocking "" Waterproofing 'Doors • Roofing Ceramic Tile-Siding Eavestroughing • Chimney Repair - Specializing in Stone Facing - FREE ESTIMATES Call Mike Bonneau Mobile: 905-435-4181 Home: 905-983-9005 6495 Leskard Rd., Orono LOB 1 MO Debra Inglis Interior Design CustomDrapery 1W#F\ I & T Carpenters • Licensed • 27 Years Experience • Custom Homes • General Contracting • Additions • House Trim • Stairs • Decks •Windows «Doors • Barns And all carpentry- related work. IVAN JONES TONY FANARA Orono 905-983-5303 Hampton 905-263-9988 covering spe^iali^ts « HumÉiouglàs 4312 ConcWfKendal 905-983-5900 26 Beech Ave., Bowmanville Modem Facility Historical Setting Weddings, Banquets, Meetings (30 to 250 people) Self-catering kitchen. CHATTERTON ELECTRIC RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL • INDUSTRIAL POLE LINE CONSTRUCTION Dave Chatterton Tel: 905-983-5546 Orono, Ontario If no answer: 905-983-5940 endlessly repeated at a volume that rattles your fillings? Australians call it DOOF DOOF music and they've discovered an antidote: Barry Mani- low. The town fathers in Rockdale, a suburb of Sydney, erected loudspeakers. loudspeakers. and piped in songs like Copacabana and I Write The Songs into parking lots where the louts like to gather late at night. For" the DOOF DOOF-ers, such gooey ballads are the equivalent of aural insecticide. They scattered scattered like cockroaches under a searchlight. A solution that repels idiots and finds an environmentally environmentally sound use for music by Manilow-- that's what I call a win- win. Chalk up a similar win for police forces across the continent. They're having much more success in apprehending apprehending young, male suspects these days. Seems the chaps keep tripping over their fashionable fashionable hip-hop pants-- those dopey, baggy, beltless beltless trousers that have exposed all of us to far more butt cleavage than is good for anyone. The chief of police in Stamford, Connecticut says "When I catch them, I tell them they'd do much better if they had pants that fit." Don't tell them, chief. You've got a natural crime deterrent AND you don't have to listen to Barry Manilow. My final good news story: Herrings one, killer whales zero. Orcas routinely round up massive massive herring smorgasbor- ds by slapping their tales on the surface. This disorients disorients the herring and serves to herd them into tasty balls. But researchers researchers with the Greenland Institute of Natural Resources say herring have found a way to ' fight back. By farting. The researchers think that a choreographed release of bubbling flatulence flatulence from the herrings' anal ducts temporarily disables the orcas echo- location ability, allowing the herring to disperse. Sure, the orcas miss a lunch, but big deal. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Besides, it could be worse. What if the herring learned to sing Copacabana? Copacabana? The Orono Crown Lands Trust would like to thank everyone whose attendance and contributions made our annual Corn Roast & BBQ and the dedication of the Roy Forrester Butterfly Garden an overwhelming success; A special thank you to Ted Lieffers for the organ music Armstrong's IGÀ and Allin's Orchard Phoenix Transportation for the tour bus driver - Dave Jenkins 1 Hale Farms for the tractor 1 Hawk Ridge Farm for the wagon 1 Driver Jack (Hacker) Mercer 1 Patrick Wright & Wendy Huébert for their contri butions towards the creation of the Butterfly Garden Sign » John & Patricia Windatt for Garden Design & Planting • Trillium Morgan Horse Farm for the tractor and bush hog and to William Jones who's help was invaluable during the entire event. 2007 Stewardships are now available. Please visit our booth in the infield, beside the Junior Fanners at the Orono Fair,