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10 - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, August 27,2003 > Basic Black by Arthur Black DON'T DRINK THE H20! How's this for a delightful, ground-breaking idea? The Prime Minister has announced the formation of an 'Anti-Absurdity Bureau' to deal with the government's excessive 'foolishness'. That's the good news. The bad news is the Prime Minister's name is Einars Repse, not. Jean Chretien. And the country he presides over is Latvia, not Canada. Oh, well. It's a start. Lord knows The Great White North could use an Anti-Absurdist Ministry - if only to tackle the ongoing farce of Airport Security. I approach the airport security desk, en route from Victoria to Toronto. As I pass through the body scanner, my car keys, my wallet wallet and my toiletries bag are rolling down the belt towards the X-ray machine. "Whoa! What's this?" growls the Rent-A-Cop squatted squatted on a stool by the X-Ray monitor. What's he unearthed? A switchblade? A grenade launcher? A half-pound of plastique moulded into the shape of a Winnie The Pooh welcomes young children and their caregivers to a relaxed morning of fun and friendship Orono United Church Friday mornings 9:30 to 11:30 starting Sept 5th For more information call Maria 983-6289 or Louise 983-5934 We hope to see you there 1 PI aygroup Entranci Church St. i m 00 <u o Main St. Park St. Advantage #2 Mortgages 3 Years 4.80% 6 Months 5 Years 4.30% 5.25% • all rates subject to change without notice Great rates plus free Bonus Shares DUCA Financial Services ...your Credit Union! Whitby Branch 1818 Blindas SI E Tel (905)728 4658 Manager Mr Paul Muller Buwinanville Branch 200 King St E Tel (905)623-6343 Manager Mr Turn Broadluul Email duca mlo«.Cduca com Website www duca com r Guides Canada Pineridge District Girl Guide Registration Wednesday, Sept. 3 6:30 pm - 7:30 pm at Orono Town Hall For more information call Donna Morrison 905-983-9107 j toothpaste dispenser? No. He has uncovered a tiny mechanical device with rotary blades and a cunning design that allows it to be concealed within the palm of oh, say a whacko extremist suicide A1 Queda terrorist bent on taking over an Air Canada flight and wreaking havoc in the air, somewhere between Horsefly, BC and Punkey-doodles Corners, Ontario. He has uncovered my nosehair clippers. "You can't take this on board" he declaims. "It's a pair of clippers" I murmur with some embarrassment. embarrassment. "For - you know - nose hairs." You actually want to grab the dork by the earlobes and say "Look, moron! Can you imagine ANYBODY ANYBODY trying to commandeer a 747 brandishing a dollar ninety-eight's worth of made- in-Hong-Kong imitation- stainless-steel facial foliage trimmer?" But you don't, because you know it would bring out the Mounties and a drug-sniffing German Shepherd Shepherd and several hours of imbecilic questions in a tiny, poorly ventilated room. So you sigh and shrug and surrender your nose-hair clip pers. Could be worse. You could be a Nelson. More specifically, a David Nelson. You REALLY don't want to be flying through the U.S. with a passport bearing the name David Nelson these days. You'll NEVER get through Security without ah extreme hassle. Anytime anyone named David Nelson checks in for a flight anywhere in the U.S. the bells go off and the cops come out. Last month, it happened happened to six David Nelsons in the Los Angeles area, eighteen eighteen in Oregon and four in Alaska. Why? Nobody seems to know - or at least want to explain. The U.S. Transportation Security Administration insists that the name David Nelson is not on any 'terrorist list'. They say perhaps the 'name-matching technology' currently employed at airport checkpoints checkpoints matches 'the presence of letters in a name.' Whatever the hell that means. What it means to me is that if my name was David Nelson, I'd be thinking about a vacation close to. home this year. The supreme irony of the terrorism scare is that, for all of the western world's technological technological sophistication, it's amazing how vulnerable we are. Vulnerable and gullible to the most outrageous attacks of boneheaded bureaucratic overkill. Last spring, a student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize in the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. His entry? A petition to the people demanding immediate government government action on a dangerous dangerous chemical compound currently currently swirling through the land. i n i . This was no joke. The odorless, tasteless liquid in question - dihydrogen monoxide monoxide - presents a clear and present present danger to the public at large. Without proper supervision, supervision, it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting - not to mention severe burns in its gaseous state. Thousands of people have died from it through accidental inhalation. It is also a major component of acid rain, erosion, and the physical degradation of metals. metals. Doctors don't talk about it publicly but they know that most tumours of terminal cancer cancer patients are riddled with pockets of dihydrogen monoxide. The petition asked people if they supported a ban of this dangerous chemical compound. compound. Hell, yes! Out of 50 respondents, 43 said they wanted the government to act now to declare dihydrogen monoxide a dangerous and illegal substance. Six of the people petitioned were undecided undecided and, wanted more time to think about it. Only one said: "Dyhydrogen monoxide. Wait a minute. Isn't that another name for.water?" Health Department offers help to women trying to quit smoking WHITBY, ON, August 26, 2002 - Women in Durham Region who want to kick the habit are invited to attend a Women's Quit Smoking group being offered by Durham Region Health Department. The goal of this group is to offer support and information geared toward women and their efforts to quit. The next group will begin meeting on Tuesday evenings for six sessions, September 16 to October 21 from 7 to 8:30 p.m. All sessions sessions will be held at the Health Department's head office at 1615 Dundas St. E. (Whitby Mall), 2nd floor. Sessions are free of charge for all participants. Research has shown that social support is important to women who are trying to quit smoking. A report from Health Canada entitled Women and Tobacco indicates indicates that women appear to prefer a greater degree of social support when quitting than men. Programs led by peers with previous smoking experience may be especially valuable as such groups allow women to benefit from others' experiences, share support and practical solutions, solutions, and build support networks. networks. "The Health Department's Women's Quit Smoking group provides an opportunity opportunity for women to gather in an comfortable atmosphere where they can share experiences experiences and ideas on quitting smoking," explains Mary Sue O'Connor, a public health nurse with the Health Department. "The group actually works through a peer sharing format and former former participants have told us how much this helped them to deal with the stresses and challenges of quitting smok- • it % mg. According to a recent Health Department report entitled Snapshot on Cancer 2003, incidence of and deaths from lung cancer are significantly higher for women in Durham Region than they are for females in other parts of Ontario. The report indicates that high lung cancer rates among Durham Region females are likely caused by higher smoking rates, as approximately approximately 25 per cent of area females smoke daily compared compared with only 18 per cent of females across Ontario. Tobacco is the most significant significant cause of lung . cancer with approximately 90 per cent of lung cancer caused by smoking. In addition to the Women's Quit Smoking group, the Health Department has resources and information for anyone interested in quitting smoking. smoking. To register for the upcoming women's session or to obtain information on quitting, please call Durham Region Health Department at (905) 723-8521 or 1-800- 841-2729, ext. 2125. Additional information on quitting smoking may also be obtained by visiting Durham Region's web site at : http://health.region.durham.on .ca or visit www.region.durham.on.ca.