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Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, September 3,2003 Basic Black by Arthur Black Hair today and gone tomorrow. The law, sir is a ass.. .a idiot If anyone needed visual confirmation of the words Charles Dickens put in the mouth of Mister Bumble, one need go no further than a typical typical British courtroom during a typical British trial. There you might watch one of Britain's most eminent barristers barristers mellifluously declaiming subtle and abstruse points of law in soaring language with Shakespearean flourishes and Miltonian profundity. And he will be dressed like a geriatric drag queen. British barristers wear robes and wigs. Have done since the 17th century. And I don't mean understated Frank Sinatra hairpieces or sleek Captain Kirk toupees - the wigs the Brits wear are mangy, white page boy bobs, made out of horse hair, crudely cut, heavily powdered and heavy as sin. Sure, they made a dynamite dynamite fashion statement back in the 1600's - but nowadays -- why? Traditionalists argue that the wigs and robes help instill respect for the law. Yeah, right - but why not go for something something lighter and more contemporary, contemporary, like Groucho Marx glasses and a Ronald McDonald clown suit? Ah, well. Men have always been a little loony in the head hair department. I haven't got as much mileage (or hair) as Rumpole of the Bailey, but I've lived through brush cuts, Boogie cuts, Elvis pompadours, Ducktails, Afros, Beatle cuts, Mohawks, Buzz cuts and the Mel Gibson Mullet. I don't want to come on like I'm cutting edge trendy when it comes to hair, but - well, I AM cue-ball bald. And that, my friends, is the latest hot look for gents - no hair at all. And not just on the head. Any day now you can expect to see the kickoff of a Canadian advertising campaign feature ing TV commercials and glossy magazine ads for Arm & Hammers latest cosmetic come-on: Nair for Men. The male-targeted hair removal gel has been selling briskly down south for the past year and a- half. According to a survey released by the company that manufactures the stuff, 30 percent percent of American males between the ages of 18 and 34 regularly shave off their chest hair. When did this start? I thought the hairy-chested he- man was the standard all 90- pound-weaklings aspired to. Ah, but that was before Ah- nold. As a body-builder, Governor-elect Conan proved that you could have a chest as bare as a baby's bum and still look like a walking bag of walnuts. According to scientists, Schwartzetcetra and his hair- removing imitators may simply simply be responding to a biological biological imperative. Researchers at Oxford and Reading universities universities suggest we humans originally originally shed our funy, primate pelts half a million years ago to protect ourselves from disease-carrying parasites. "Smooth skin has therefore become an evolutionaiy calling calling card we use unconsciously to pick healthy mates" says Sir Walter Bodner an. Oxford University spokesman. Admittedly, those guys you see at the beach in thongs and what looks like a welcome mat growing on their backs probably aren't sexual turnons for anybody this side of a Lowland Gorilla in heat, still I think I'll cling to what's left of my body hair. My beard, I mean - particularly particularly after what happened to my pal, Arvid. He was down at the local barbershop getting a shave last week and he mentioned mentioned the trouble he has getting getting a smooth shave around the cheeks. "Got just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Before you shave, just put this in your mouth, between your cheek and your gum. So Arvid tries it. He pops the ball in his mouth, it makes his cheek puff out and stire enough -- the barber proceeds proceeds to give him the closest, smoothest shave he's ever experienced. "This ib grape, Al," says Arvid, trying to talk around the ball, "but what happens if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." Bethesda House Are you in an abusive relationship? Call Bethesda House 905-623-6050 or 1-800-338-3397 (For women with or without children.) MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM REGION SINCE 1841 ALL FUNERAL SERVICES PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT' FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUL R. MORRIS DOUG R. RUTHERFORD GARY M. CONWAY DEBRA D. KELLEHER 905-623-5480 4 DIVISION ST.. BOWMANVILLE - AT QUEEN ST. Fred DeVries proprietor • FREE ESTIMATES • COMPETITIVE RATES • • INSURANCE CLAIMS • FRED'S AUTOBODY (905) 623-6353 163 Baseline Road, Unit 1 Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 314 Complete Collision Repair, Restoration and Refinishing Last month, along with my husband, Orville, I was very fortunate indeed to celebrate the reprinting of my book, "Spirit of The Hills" at Pontypool United Church. The celebration included a tour of Pontypool and Manvers Township churches courtesy of the Manvers Historical Society. Marie West and Peggy Blaschke from Orono and coauthor, coauthor, Grant Curtis were also present and able to enjoy this wonderful tour. Mr. Curtis brought with him several antique quilts for display. The display included one quilt from WW1 circa 1914 -1918; and another bearing the names of Charles and Edith Taylor of Orono circa 1940-60; a third was quite unusual in that it was autographed by Pontypool area Sunday School children with their pictures pictures held in individual little pockets. Of special note, Pontypool Cemetery held its Decoration Day service Sunday, August 17th with an overflow crowd in attendance! Open for viewing viewing was the brand new crematory crematory burial crypt around which was beautifully landscaped. Sketching in Nature at Ganaraska Forest CAMPBELLCROFT- The Ganaraska Forest is an ideal setting for participating in an artistic workshop. The Ganaraska Region Conservation Conservation Authority (GRCA) is offering "Introduction to Nature Sketching" on Saturday, September 13th, 2003 from 1:00 to 4:00 p.m. Steve McMullen, Artist and Forest Recreation Technician, is facilitating the late summer afternoon workshop. Mr., McMullen will teach various skills used in nature sketching including working with line, texture, and shading as well as creating a nature journal. The program is best suited towards adults and youth aged 12 and older. Paper and pencils or other sketching media are required for each participant. Pre-regis tration is required as space is limited to 15 people. No experience experience is necessary. For more information or to register, please call (905) 797-2721 or email gfc@eagle.ca. The cost is $15.00 per person. The Ganaraska Forest Centre is a 20-minute drive from Port Hope and Orono. If you're travelling from the west, exit Hwy. 115 and travel east about 10 km on Durham Road 9. Turn left at the Cold Springs Camp Road sign and proceed 4 km to the Ganaraska Forest. From the east, travel west off County Road 28 onto Northumberland Road 9 and travel approximately approximately 16km (about 2 km west of Elizabethville). Turn right at Cold Springs Camp Road and travel 4km to the Ganaraska Forest Centre. Main Street, Orono Proprietors: Gary & Carol Vrccker • Wedding Cakes • Cakes for a\\ Occasions • Pastries - Donuts - Pies • Bread & Buns 905-983-9779 Closed Sunday and Monday Parent action on drugs. If you have concerns about your child and the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse, PAD is the place to go. Call for your free Parent Action Pack today at: 1-877-265-9279. Or order on-line at: www.parentactionondrugs.org n*» PARENT ACTION^DRUGS Prevention, Education. Support,