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f, ' i 8 -- Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, September 17,2003 s Basic Black by Arthur Black - >r, üÿpfilil WHO WAS THAT MASKED MANIAC? Picture this: you're sitting through a nice little church service listening to the comforting comforting drone of a sermon when suddenly there's a brisk rap at the church door behind you. A fellow parishioner slips from his pew and tiptoes back to let the latecomer in. And falls back into the church with a curdled scream. Because standing there, with a samurai sword in hand, is an inhuman wraith entirely wrapped in bandages and he's roaring "I Am The Evil That You Have Read About." What is this - a Halloween prank? A remake of The Curse of the Mummy? No, it's just a dumb schnook by the name of Anthony Alan Burton trying to pull off a holdup. This really happened - at the 121st Avenue Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses in Edmonton, Alberta last September. But freaky as the apparition at the church door was, there were subtle clues that the intruder was perhaps a couple of muffins short of a baker's dozen. For one thing, ■SB l'IiiaillHHWIMÜliliiaKTlgl . -- Rinske Easa, Sales Representative Sutton Group Dynamic 905-697-1700 / pll Direct Line: 905-983-5100 E-mail: rinskeeasa@rogers.com Thinking of Selling or Buying Real Estate? "Call me today; I am only a block away. " his face was dripping. Turns out he had smeared his head with silicone caulking putty, then slathered some Max Factor foundation makeup (pink) over that. He was also wearing white latex gloves and a pair of hornrimmed spectacles. Nothing destroys the effect of a rampaging mummy more effectively than a pair of Woody Allen style glasses. And anyway--a church? Most stickup guys go for gas bars, liquor stores - maybe if they're really ambitious, a bank. Who holds up a church? It turned out not too well for Anthony Allan Burton. While he was doing his near-sighted Lon Chaney imitation at the back of the church attacking a chair with his sword (seven stab wounds) a woman at the front was briskly dialing 911 on her cell phone. The cops were all over Burton before he got a single latexed digit on the collection collection plate. Goofy as it is, inept crooks in bad disguises seem to be somewhat of a trend. Recently, a guy in North Long Beach, California attempted to rob a Wienerschnitze.l drive-thru restaurant. His clever cover? Chocolate pudding pudding smeared all over his face. Police haven't apprehended the gentleman yet, but they're on the lookout for unusual concentrations of houseflies. Then there's Edwin Lockhart of Pàlatka, Florida, who won't be appearing on Jeopardy anytime soon. Not ORONO PLAY GROUP welcomes young children and their caregivers to a relaxed morning of fun and friendship Orono Unjted Church Friday mornings 9:30 to 11:30 starting Sept 5th For more information call Maria 983-6289 or Louise 983-5934 We hope to see you there! PI aygroup Entranci Church St. y ■ 00 % 5 Main St. Park St. NEWCASTLE FUNERAL HOME Family owned and operated by Carl Good, Funeral Director, and Joyce Kufta 386 Mill St. S., Newcastle 905-987-3964 www.ncwcastlcfuncralhomc.com "Caring for our Community" just because he's as dumb as the backside of a ditch - he's also in the slammer. He's doing ten years for the attempted robbery of a Sun Trust bank in his home town. Edwin figured he'd escape detection thanks to the half- dozen sanitary napkins he had glued to his face. Just the wrong time of the month for Edwin, I guess. And let's have a moment of silence for Cletus Williams, the 36-year-old would-be Jesse James tackled by customers customers outside the Zions Bank in SaltLake City last month. Cletus wanted to rob a bank but he was pretty well doomed from the get-go. Why? Perhaps it was the lack of surprise in his approach. Cletus stood outside the bank for 20 minutes before it opened, already clad in a hooded sweatshirt and mask. He even stood in line waiting his turn before snatching money and making a run for it. It's a cautionary reminder to all of us that a disguise doesn't necessarily protect us fromfailure. Always remém-- ber the example of that most famous of disguised heroes, The Lone Ranger. The illustrious lawman of the old West was camped out one sultry summer night when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was his faithful First Nations companion Tonto. "Look at stars, Kemo Sabe, " whispered the Indian. "What they tell you?" "Well, Tonto," intoned the Ranger, always ready to display display his white man's erudition, erudition, "Astronomically speaking, speaking, the stars remind me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets in our universe. Astrologically, I can divine by the delineation of the planets planets that Saturn is in Leo. The position of the moon vis-à-vis Mars informs me that it is approximately 3:45 in the morning. Theologically, one can't help concluding that The Lord is all-powerful and we humans are miniscule and insignificant in the vastness of the cosmos. Meteorologically, it enables enables me to predict that it will be clear and sunny tomorrow with the possibility of afternoon afternoon cloudy periods. But tell me, my pagan compadre - what do those twinkling stars tell you?" Tonto gazes skyward inscrutably for several seconds, seconds, then says. "Stars tell Tonto someone stole our tent." oat the IqaL uM¥id Moving South by Myno Van Dyke "Sold." It's a weird feeling seeing those four little letters go up on the sign in front of your home. We are moving south. Just a mile south, into the village of Newcastle. It's a small bungalow, big lot and no garage. "No Garage!" people say with shocked voices. The first project is to build one to store The Stude and The Elky. One of the hardest things to leave behind is the front gates. They were lovingly crafted by one of Orono's favourite citizens, citizens, Les Reid. The red gates kept our three children from venturing out onto the busy 3rd Concession while they played with their trikes, bikes, wagons and later basketball games on our large driveway. The gates didn't escape damage damage either. I think all three of our kids scraped a vehicle on them when they first learned to drive. The telltale redwood stain on the bumper ended the investigation quickly. Les Reid is long gone, and I had to replace most of the wood, but v the, hand; forged hooks and pins that Les banged out on his forge and anvil will last forever. Suddenly, the reality of moving sets in. Especially, if you are downsizing. Twenty- six years of accumulating. What again is the reason we have nineteen extra pillows? I, found about ten sets of used seat belts in the garage. The old box trailer is backed into the garage and you start pitching pitching until it is full. Closets are emptied of clothes you haven't worn for years. Judy even threw out her beloved wedding wedding dress. I found almost 100 copies of Mustang Monthly magazine and over 300 other automotive books and magazines. magazines. Forgot I had them. The trailer has been loaded three times. It costs almost $25 now to get rid of a load of garbage. We had eight extra bags of garbage this week. Some of our neighbours had room for an extra one. We have a great view of Lake Ontario from our upstairs bedroom window. However, the only view I can remember from there is looking looking out at. 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday night to see if the car was back in the driveway yet. It usually wasn't. That was the. great thing about the kids moving away from home. You didn't know what they were up to so you didn't worry. You didn't get a good night's sleep until you saw the reflection of the headlights and heard the door slam. In retrospect it was a great place to live and raise our family. Close enough to school that they could walk if they missed the bus and just far enough out of town to keep the kids from wandering there and hanging around the bleachers at the ball diamond. We had our share of interesting interesting animals here. Rowdy the Wonder Horse, our goats Flossie and Rosie, a number of outdoor cats (all named Goldie) and some, great;.dogs, Frolich, Caesar, Mickey and now Cosmo." We aren't taking , Cosmo, our excitable Norwegian Elkhound. I figure there are enough yappy dogs in Newcastle now, we don't need to bring another one there. So, if you want a nice "outdoor" spayed watch dog- we have one for free. He is seven years old and has never been inside a house. He is a great watchdog. You can tell by the tone of his bark if the intruder is a human, animal or bird. If it is a human he has a nervous high pitch. He has one definite flaw. He hates cats. We are having our second yard sale this Saturday. The possessions we don't really need but the memories are forever. forever. i!|i;;ii:! Hi! ■ :;L : i: Fred DeVries proprietor • FREE ESTIMATES • COMPETITIVE RATES • • INSURANCE CLAIMS • FRED'S AUTOBODY (905) 623-6353 163 Baseline Road, Unit 1 Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 3L4 Complete Collision Repair, , Restoration and Refinishing