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8 - Qrono 1 Weekly Times, Wednesday^ January 7,2004 Basic Black by Arthur Black You know you're old when. Gerrit Eddy took to the hills of Oshawa Ski Club in Kirby after school on Tuesday. The young skier is looking forward to a long winter on the slopes. My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine. He's too decent. He's too old. Grade Allen The late, great Oracle said that about her husband George Bums back in 1960, when Bums was a mere 64.1 don't know much about George's subsequent track record in the fidelity sweep- stakes, but I know he cantered around the comedy circuit for another three and a half decades. He was still cracking people people up when he died a few years back, at the ripe old age of 100. A lot of George's jokes, not surprisingly, were about getting getting old. "When I was young, the Dead Sea was alive," he'd tell audiences. When he landed the lead role in the movie, O God, he cracked, "Why shouldn't shouldn't I play God? At my age, anything anything I do is a miracle." And my favourite George Bums line: "Having sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope." I told that joke to my pal Lenny and he laughed. Then he said, "Who's George Bums?" Ah, you know you must be getting old when you have to explain who George Bums is. I'll give you two more contemporary contemporary beacons of incipi- • Wedding Cakes • Cakes for all Occasions • Pastries - Donuts - Pies • Bread & Buns 905-983-9779 Main Street, Orono , , Proprietors: Gary & Carol Vreeker Closed Sunday and Monday Public Open House to be Held for Graham Creek Watershed nr MORRIS FUNERAL CHAPEL LTD. SERVING DURHAM REGION SINCE 1841 all funeral services PREARRANGED AND/OR PREPAID BURIAL - CREMATION - TRANSFERS "WHERE PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE IS IMPORTANT" FUNERAL DIRECTORS PAUI R MORRIS GARY M. CONWAY DOUG R. RUTHERFORD DEBRA I). KELLEHER 905-623-5480 4 piyisiQN yfrr bQWMAHYH- le - at QUEEN SL v Y'f"' 1 "* ,,t -I .I. IM PORT HOPE - - The Ganaraska Region Conservation Conservation Authority (GRCA) and the Municipality of Clarington invite Graham Creek Watershed residents to participate in the upcoming Public Open House, which will be held on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 from 7:00 - 9:00 p.m. at the Newcastle Community Hall (corner of Mill Street and Regional Road 2 in Newcastle). Anyone with an interest in Graham Creek is asked to come out to the open house, ask questions and share their views on the future of the watershed. This is the first public open house in the Graham Creek Watershed Study Public Consultation Process. This is a working meeting' where you will have the opportunity to receive current current information, be part of creating a vision for the watershed and help identify key issues. The ideas received at the open house, coupled with the information gathered to date will be key to arriving at a final action plan to protect the future of the watershed. There will also be an opportunity to submit comments if people are not able to attend the open house. For more information on the public open house for Graham Creek, please contact contact Linda Ryan at GRCA at 905-885-8173 or Faye Langmaid at the Municipality Municipality of Clarington at 905-623 3379. ent decrepitude. Their names are Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione. Any North American male who came of age during the last half of the twentieth century would know those names. They published the most famous skin magazines magazines of their day. Hefner spawned Playboy; Guccione weighed in with the raunchier Penthouse. For hormone-besotted college college boys back in the 60's and 70's Hef and Gootch were the unchallenged lords of libido, the ultimate party animals constantly surrounded by expensive toys, good booze and pneumatic babes selected for their high bosoms and low I.Q's. The difference between Hefner/Guccione and the rest of us is that we grew up. Not those two. They're still at it. Every once in a while you ! M ' see a magazine photo of Hefner lounging by a pool wearing his trademark silk kimono, surrounded by a bevy of what look like chorus girls drawn by Robert Crumb. The women all look cartoonishly oversexed. Hefner looks like a stylishly dressed iguana. And well he might - the guy is three years away from his 80th birthday. Bob Guccione isn't far behind. He's 72, still sporting a badly dyed, greasy-curled toupee and lashings of gold chains around his neck. And still hanging on as publisher and editor of Penthouse. But he's got troubles. Playboy's circulation has fallen fallen badly over the past few years, but Penthouse's audience audience numbers are in free fall. In 1998, more than a million million customers bought copies of the magazine. By last year, the numbers were down to 565,700 and dropping. Last fall, Guccione filed for bankruptcy bankruptcy protection. He stepped down as CEO of Penthouse International and handed the keys over to one Milton Polland, head of a California communication company. Mister Polland is 92 years . » I M I I II ■ I • t I ) ><l >* / I ' ' M old. Not that there's anything inherently, wrong with the spectacle of three senior citizens citizens geriatrically jockeying for the privilege of putting out soft-core porn magazines aimed at pimply-faced teenage lads but it is kinda pathetic. Mind you, it could be worse. They could have run for Governor of California - or the U.S. Presidency. More power to you, gents. 1 say, keep it up! And if that becomes a problem, there's always Viagra; «14, ^.y., h p, •