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THE COLBORNE CHRONICLE, Thursday, August 11th, 1960 I SUGAR a>» SPICE I ', by BILL SMILEY.....I There's been a resounding taradiddle recently about Canada's divorce laws. A couple of members of our House of Commons have refused to play the annual parliamentary game known as "Let's Pass These Blasted Divorces and Get Home." So their fellow MPs swelter and mutter in the heat of the capital. Alternating from delight in the exposure of the shoddy fabrication of divorce evidence, to shocked outrage at the inadequacy of our divorce laws, the metropolitan papers are having a field day, tipping heavy wink at their circulation managers between headlines. It's the best gimmick they've come across since capital punishment, for selling papers. All this foofawraw about divorce has sorely confused my slow cousin Winslow. Last time I saw him, he was really bewildered. "Does all this here stuff," he asked me, "mean that ya can't have no adultery no more unless you're married?" I had quite a time straightening him out. "No, no, Winslow," I explained. "It means you can go right on being crazy, a drunk, a wife-beater, or a family deserter, and your wife is stuck with you, for better of worse. It's only when one of the parties to the marriage commits adultery, with witnesses, that you can untie the knot. And as that is a pastime that does not encourage the presence of witnesses, you have to sort of make believe. You hire a whole lot of people, like detectives and lawyers and a nice lady who will pretend she's a shady lady. All this costs a lot of money, and that's why fellows like you and mt seldom get a divorce." Winslow was relieved. "Ya mean I don't hafta look her up and bring her back and get one a them divorces?" he beamed. Perhaps I should mention that Winslow's wife left him years ago, because he wouldn't change from winter to summer underwear, and he's been as happy as a hog ever since. There's though, < o doubt about it, divorce laws need drastic overhauling. And I'd be happy to sit on the committee in charge of drafting the new ones. I'd certainly change a few things. First of all, I'd put the cost of divorce on a sliding scale, based on your income. There would be a $25 bottom, for the small wage earner, running up to as much as $100,000 for the Hollywood star who is making a million a year. This would give the ordinary joe a chance to knock off the shackles when he arrived at the desperation point, and it would also put a crimp in the marriage merry-go-round among the neurotic rich. To adultery as the sole excuse for divorce, I would add incurable insanity, desertion and alcoholism. Deserters and boozers would get two chances to pull up their socks. If they couldn't make it stick, they'd get a fast divorce and five years in jail. Nothing like a stretch on the stone pile to cure a hangover, or that wandering urge. There lies here the danger that many men would be happy to do five in such a cause, and might have to build a lot m jails, but that could be worked Those would be my basic reasons for a divorce suit. Bui I would provide one other escape hatch. Each couple, along Plumbing and Heating ALTERATIONS -- REPAIRS -- NEW WORK ALL WORK and MATERIAL GUARANTEED FREE ESTIMATES GIVEN l. v.ITeamish Phones: Shop 159W -- Residence 159J TENDERS for Five Classroom and Playroom Addition to South Cramahe Public School South Cramahe T.S.A. Board Northumberland County, Ont. SEALED TENDERS properly identified as to contents "Tender for South Cramahe Public School" will be received by the Architect up until 4.00 p.m. Thursday, August 25th, 1960. Plans, specifications and tender forms may be obtained from the Architect, Wm. A. Strong, 5385 Yonge St., Willowdale, upon deposit of a certified cheque for $50.00 which will be returned upon the return of the plans and specifications in good condition within ten days after tenders close. Each tender must be accompanied by a bid bond of $10,000.00. Successful bidder must furnish a Performance Bond for 100% (One-Hundred per cent) of the amount of the contract. Tenders for a stipulated sum only will be considered. Lowest or any tender not necessarily accepted. CLAUDE W. ROSE, Secretary-Treasurer with the marriage certificate, would be handed a large sheet, with a printed list on it. This would be pinned in a prominent place in their new home. The list would be made up of such misdemeanors as: Bad Temper, Bad Breath, Extravagance, Getting Fat, Not Shaved, Drunk Again, Nagging, Smoking Too Much, and so on. You get the Each of the newlyweds would start with a hundred points. Then they would keep score on each other. For example, 10 points off for getting soused with the boys. Displays of Bad Temper would cost 5 points, with a bonus of 5 for throwing things. When you run out of points, your partner has the option of wiping the slate clean and starting over, or getting a quick, cheap divorce. This would buck up the institution of i riage no end. It would also lead to some weird and wonderful arguments and explanations, and make the whole cruel business an exciting game. This is all straightforward enough. But by the time Parliament got around to passing it, we'd all be dead and too late for a divorce. Perhaps it would be simpler if we just adopted the divorce laws of Islam. In that faith, if a husband gets browned off with his wife, all he has to do is say, in front of witnesses: "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you," and they're divorced. However, even the followers of the Prophet can't win. A wife usually brings a substantial dowry to her marriage. If her husband divorces her, the dowry must be returned, with accrued interest. How would you like to say the happy phrase three times over your Mabel, and have her reort: "Fine. But I want that $2,000 Dad loaned you to buy the furniture. Plus all the money I made those first two years, when I was working. Plus 6 per cent compound interest for 8 years." More shade is the advantage of standard size trees . . . and when there is enough space, are a fine choice. obituary VINCENT A. O'BRIEN The community was saddened by the death of Vincent A. O'Brien, which occurred suddenly at Grafton on July 14th, the second bereavement in the family within six months. Since his retirement in 1959 from Hinde and Dauch Co. of Trenton, Mr. O'Brien has made his home in Grafton. Funeral was held on July 18th at St. Mary's Church, Grafton, where Rev. W. B. O'Brien, nephew of Toronto, officiated at funeral mass, assisted by Rev. H. A. Black. Interment St. Mary's Cemetery, where Rev. Black gave prayers at the grave. The late Mr. O'Brien is survived by his sister, Marie, Reg.N., and a brother, Charles L., of Toronto. INSURANCE Auto, Burglary, Fire, Floaters, Liability, Plate Glass, Etc. WILLIAM J. TROOP, JR. Phone 114 Colborne AUGUST FUR SALE DURHAM FURRIERS ANNUAL August Fur Sale is now in full swing Muskrai$1ylQ Mouton $14Q Jackets *™ Jflckets A™ ( Mink Trimmed ) A COMPLETE STOCK OF FULL LENGTH COATS IN ALL SIZES -- IN ALL FURS COATS MADE TO YOUR MEASURE At No Extra Cost Budget Terms Available $10.00 DOWN -- $10.00 A MONTH 24 Months to Pay NO CARRYING CHARGES DURHAM FURRIERS "HOUSE OF QUALITY" 82 KING ST. WEST COBOURG Tel. FR 2-9511 A COMPLETE STOCK OF FINE FALL MILLINERY at SALEM RADIO & T.V. PHILCO PORTABLE Transistor Radios -- $29.95 TABLE RADIOS f~» $29.95 33>/3 HI-FI RECORDS From $1,49 Portable Phonographs From $29.95 PONY CHARGER Rechargable Transistor Portable Batteries $4.95 BURGESS 12 VOLT " RADAR LITE " "Corrosion Proof" '11.85 with Batteries SALEM RADIO & T.V. King Street SALES & SERVICE Phone 400 ROTARY BINGO - Saturday, August 20