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Page Two THE COLBORNE CHRONICLE, Thursday, June 15th, 1961 Sugar and Spice ' By Bill Smiley What this country needs more than anything, in these trying times, is more conservatives. Now, don't go all chalky and trembly like that. I don't mean Diefenbaker Conservatives. I mean good, old-fashioned, conservatives. For the past couple of decades, "conservative" has been practically a dirty word. People were as afraid of being considered conservative as they are to-day of being considered conformist, Lying awake and lonely in the small hours last night, I realized suddenly, with a flash like a camera bulb that at heart I am a conservative. It was such a shock that I sat bolt upright in bed. This woke my wife, who lurched to her elbow, turned on her bedside lamp and moaned, "Whassat?" This, in turn, disturbed my daughter, in the next room. She yelped in her sleep, rolled over abruptly, and crushed the cat, who sleeps beside her. He squalled and dug his claws into her. She hollered. All this woke Hugh, who staggered out of bed and went to the bathroom. . The sound of running water was too much for the rest of us, and there was a steady procession to the place, which wound up with me having to go down and let the cat out. He wouldn't come back in and twenty minutes later, standing there shivering and calling him and worrying a little because woire not sure it's a boy cat and he might get pregnant if he was out all night, I consigned the whole conservative issue to the appropriate place. But this morning, on sober second thoughts, I realized that I had truly seen the light, that I was a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. I experienced a vast wave of relief, as though I had just emerged from the confessional, or had just been awakened from one of those dragging, nagging, not-quite-terrifying bad dreams. You've no idea what release it was, to shuck off that false-face of liberalism I've been wearing all these years, uncomfortably. I felt better and better as the shabby, borrowed layers of tolerance, reason and desire for change peeled off one by one, and left me an honest, naked, intolerant, illogical prejudiced, small-c conservative. "Oh, boy!" I chortled. "No more having to get sore at i-Semites. No more having je nice to Irishmen or Armen-s or Negroes, unless I like GRAYDON ELECTRIC Toronto Street Phone 239 Repair Service GENERATOR STARTER REGULATOR MAGNETO RADIATOR LAWN MOWER ELECTRIC MOTOR HOME APPLIANCE RADIO ELECTRIC TOOLS SAW SHARPENING WELDING BRAZING SOLDERING HOW MANY HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT? Chances are they all have/Because nowadays practically everybody is a bank customer. And they go to the bank so often and for so many reasons: to deposit savings, arrange a loan, buy or sell foreign exchange, purchase money orders ... In fact, Canadians seem to use banking services more than the people of any other country/The chartered banks, for their part, do their utmost to make each branch a friendly, efficient centre for every kind of banking service. •' THE CHARTERED BANKS SERVING YOUR COMMUNITY them. No more having to be tolerant of half-baked religious sects. No more pretending that ten are as smart as men." s wonderfully refreshing to be able to look at life through your own sharp prejudices and emotions for a change, after years of gazing at it murkily through the thumb-printed, , thick lenses loaned by small-1 liberalism. No longer, for example, must I put up the slightest architecture. Now I can say what I think: that new churches look like ither tents or silos; that you an't tell a new school from a lew factory; that the new split-level homes, with picture window above and garage yawning below, resemble one-eyed harpies who have just been delivered of monsters, by caesarean section. Oh, I'm going to enjoy my conservatism, I can tell you. An immediate project in mind is he formation of a small-c conservative men's club, with one purpose in view -- getting wo-out of our hair and back in the kitchen. We'll start in a small way of seeking legislation forbidding women to smoke in public. This would keep about ing to pull out a $20 bill and suggest, "Let's kick in $20 each and send it to CARE, right now." That'll turn him green. As a conservative, naturally I'm going to come out pretty strong for some things. For example -- lower taxes; cutting off the baby bonus; dispersal of revolutionary organizations like the Women's Institute and the Canadian Legion. But I'm going to throw my weight and influence just as strongly against other things, such as: letting American tour- ists stay i I he ( sundown i while diving Off anything higher than a dock; beating children with anything thicker than a pool cue. From now on. no more hiding behind that phony liberism. Let the chips fall where they may. I'm going to proclaim my real ideas, regardless of prejudice, lack of tolerance, or any of the rest of that bolshevik jargon. I'm going all out to preserve the status quo, and if that doesn't work, we'll try to quo vadis. Better stand well back so you won't be splashed when I'm blown to bits by a bomb hurled by some wild-eyed member of the CCF. IF YOUR OLD WIRING 1 , HAS BEEN NEGLECTED./ TS TIME THOSE TROUBLE1" WERE DETECTED/ Lee Electric PHONE 283 COLBORNE