SATURDAY, DEOUEMBER 20, 1924. XIV. . . FROM FATHER TO HIS SON TOM Repair Shop 3562 PBighth Avenue Dear Tom: I got your letter, which was about as interesting as makin' oul my annual income tax report in which I give the Eternal Revenge Department all of the jack I made each year on account of - _winnin' the war and bein' gave the privilege of supportin' all Burope and the prohibition enforce- ment guys as 4 reward. It says on the application that if you have any kids over the ages of eighteen yom do mot get no deductions for 'em unless they happen to be mentally deficient. In case they are cuckoo, you are allowed $300 off the bill for eath maniec callin' you father. 'Well, Tom, I shall put in a claim next year for the deduction in your case and I shall pin your letter to my return to prove that I am en- titled to the $200 oft, That's all I have got to say to you this after- noon. The Elite 2 Your lovin'ly father, PATRICK FRANCIS CULLEN. FROM SON TOM TO HIS FATHER. XV. Hoorah College. Dear Dad: Well, pater, old dear and all that sort of rot, I suppose you have seen in the newspapers where we defeated Dumbell Univer- sity in our first intercollegiate box- ing contest by the decisive score of five broken noses and three black eyes to one torn ear and eight badly slip lps. The contest was replete (faculty stuff, pater) with knock- outs, at least one featuring each bout. I was entered In the .2,480- ounce class, or middleweight divi- sion to be technical, and fought once, finishing a bang-up second-- not banged up, as some of the pa- pers have it. True in gome inexpli- cable manner I obtained a slightly torn ear, a rather discolored eye, and my nose has the appearance of * having foundered, if you know what 1 mean, but as Nero was often heard to remark, "One can't make catsup without smashing some tomatoes!" eh, pater? [I also notice in idly reading over the press accounts of the two-man Armageddon I per sonally took part in the followihg distortion of facts: "In the fourth round MacEin- stein (Dumbell University), after hitting Cullen (Hoorah College) with everything but the posts and water bottle, tired of the sport and knocked his victim dead with a poisonous left swing to the sto- mach." How perfectly absurd! I assure RIANA RRR AOSI Loved Ones Look to You The Rubyiat Of a College Man BY H. C. WITWER ld you, pater, that I was not killed out right, as one or evem two would think, from reading the above ac- count. I admit that when MacEin- stein's left thudded into my asto- nished mid-section -and I slid grace- fully to the mat amid the delighted applause of the witnesses, 1 did feel a bit fll. But there is quite a dif- ference between the sick and the dead, pater, as, for instance, take Battle Creek and Philadelphia. "However, pater, you perfectly priceless old thing, although I went down to glorious defeat im the box- ing debate, I met two of the most charming girls in the wide, wide world on the way back in the train. They are twins, pater, and, strange- ly enough, they are also sisters, and by a peculiar coincidence they were both born on the same day. Fancy that! Joe Heehaw, our baseball captain, introduced me, and to say the girls were delighted is putting it untruthfully. Oddly enough, pa- ter, the twins both bear the same last name, viz., "Elkahall," their first names being Ethyl and Methyl, respectively, Never in your life, pater, have you seen two people so identically alike in form and fea- ture as these two girls, so Impossible to tell them apart that I'H wager if Ethyl died they'd bury Methyl, and vice versa, whatever that is. Anyhow, pater, the twins made room for Joe and I, or is it Joe and me? or I and--well, no matter, to continue--we sat in the seat facing them and I was favorably impressed at once by their demeanor. Both sat up stiffly and pulled their skirts down primly, covering their knees with maldenly modesty. They are twenty years old apiece, pater, and enterprising young business women, both being waitresses at' Ptomaine Joe's Restaurant near the college, and where from now on you will be able to find me after classes, every day. I hope you will not hold their humble station against them, pater. Remember, Abraham [Lincoln was once a rail-splitter, yet he after- wards became President of the Unit- ed States. Of course, I do not ex- pect the girls will ever become Pre- sident, but--I mean to say, that 7, for example, they ever get tired "dealin' 'em off the arm," as they quaintly refer to their art, they will never starve to death as long as Flo Ziegfeld continues to stage his Fol- les every year. I will not attempt to tell you how beautiful they are, pater, but suffice it to say that either one of these girls would have made Solomon grit his teeth. The effect of them both together, is therefore, a bit eh--unnerving! In answer to Methyl's enquiry re- Why, it's | THE DAILY BRITISH WHIG features, the result of my recent] boxing activities, I told her I had! fallen down a flight of stairs, and | she remarked that I must have trip-| ped at the top floor of the Wool-| worth Building. This brought a! Leona! I remarked om a small vol- had in her lap. "Do you liké Lamb??" I inquired pleasantly. "Od, 1 ain't crazy about it," she answered, with a maddening smile. "Still and all, it makes a good stew, and--"" Joe Heehaw's raucous laughter interrupted her, and he turned his attention to Methyl. "No, _nmo--you misunderstood. me," I pald. "I refer to the book of poetry you have?" merry laugh from one and all, and | 'Post Mortem Reverie.' to change the subject from the per-| ume of Charles Lamb that Ethyl! brutal pen and Ink! they call a Futuris} pote, and every | days. now and then he gets some of his poems printed in The Free Love Weekly, which is published down there. Here's his latest--it's called Ain't it nifty?" With that pater, this remark- able and ravishing young woman handed me a clipping, which I re- produce in full below: I'm the merriest the morgue, I leap from slab to slab; The ice water trickles down my back And there's nobody there to blab. corpse in "Pick up the marbles, sister, you win!" I said pater, handing back her cousin's Weird couplet. Well, we drew into the station then and ROBERT TM A Lana "Oh, this here stuff?" said Ethyl, curling her delicious lips scornfully. "Say, if this is poetry, I'm a Arabian duke! 1 tried to read some of fit, but I don't know what it's all about. I found it on the train and that's where I'm gonna leave it! As a rule, though, I'm very partial to good poetry. I got a whole scrap-book full of, now, limericks home, like--eoh--'they was a young lady from Russia, who'--well, you know how them things goes. But speakin' of poetry, it runs in our family. I got a cousin which lives in Greenwich Village, New York, For Christmas OVED 'ones look to you for Christmas joys. Of course-you will not dis- appoint them--but why not exceed their expestations? The gift of a Ford car is the surest way to arouse that Christmas ecstasy. You have long wanted a Ford car yourself. You have long realized the fuller measure of life it would bring to your wife, your children, your sister or mother. Why not 'accomplish now the double purpose of making this Christmas the long-remembered time when that Ford car was given and received? See us and secure a special signed Christmas Delivery Form. Actual delivery can be specified now or later, at your convenience, but this gift form will enable you to exceed someone's expectations this Christmas morning. 'anLuven Bros. EEEEA 34-38 PRINCESS STREET thyl, who Were Born on Same Day.The Elkahall Twins, Ethyl and Me we all separated. We made an en- gagement to go to the movies the following evening, both girls having received an invitation to take an automobile ride instead with a cy- nical quirk of the lip and the odd expression, "Don't make me laugh!" Well, pater, there is no more news of a sensational nature, and as 1 have an eight o'clock I will have to bring this missive to a close, Joe Heehaw has insisted on me com- ing out for the baseball team, so you had better send me at least a hundred in your 'next, as I have got 1865 The actual life and experience of this concern is surely sufficient guarantee of reliability and dependability.' PHONES: Day 420. 1 garding my;somewhat disarranged | and believe me, that boy shakes a| to get a uniform, and you. know He's what! how expensive gold lace is these Your affectionate son, TOM. From father to his son Tom Dear Tom: Well, it was certainly a terrible blow to me, Tom, when 1 seén In the papers that you .got knocked for a row of Chinese ash cans in the intercollegiate boxin' tourney. You bein' my son, I na- turally figured you was unbeatable, with the results that I laid 8 to § on you up and down the length and breadth of Eighth avenue, and now I am the laughin' stock of New York, and likewise | am four thousand fish in the hole. You big stiff, is they nothin' you can finish first at? If you Jave made up your mind to turn your attention to baseball up there, why, you had better simply give one- man exhibition games by yourself, as that seems to be about the only way you can win in any contest, unless maybe you can get somebody to play buttin' heads together with wou. There is one game in which you couldst beat the world! As for them twin Alcohol sisters, Ethyl and Methly, which you have just met, all I got to say is, look out for their twin brothers, Wood and Grain, which is still travelin' about the country now knockin' all-comers for a goal. Between you and the Blue Law guys, Tom, I am gettin' so disgusted that I wouldg't care if Prohibition really did come in to- morrow. As it is, they are com- mencing to enforce the dry laws right here in New York, and pretty soon a man will have to walk five or six blocks belore he can get a shot! I suppose I am crazy to do this, as the guy said before jumpin' into Niagara 'Falls, but I am enclosin' here the with a hundred berries. I expect this to last you til indefinitely at the least, Your loving father, PATRICK FRANCIS CULLEN, P.8.--Don"t write them biscuit- shooters no letters with a mention of the preposition "love" in it, as 1 will not under no circumstances pay off if you get sued. P2490 0%% 00000 CHRISTMAS WEATHER TEN YEARS AGO On the 14th of December, 1914, the first great war yean, one foot of snow fell at night, giving the first sleighing of the winter season. The ther- mometer dropped to eight de- grees above zero. Christmas Day of 1914 was the coldest in many years and during the night the thermometer dropped 4 to twenty degrees below zero. % The harbor was frozen solid # and navigation suddenly stop- ped. PPP PPE PS PPO * CPPRPFPPIPFIFIILSS 3 + * + + + # + + + i$ + + + $ + # + # + * / UNITED LOYALIST HOMESTEAD : "The White House," built by the Fairfield family in 1708, four miles beyond Collin's Bay. The Fairflelds have lived in it all these 131 years. Mistletoe Bough In Yorkshire - "Twas by chance that I came here To wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. A pocketfull of money, a cellar full of beer, And a good fat pig to last you all the year. Please will you give me a Christ- mas gift? So sing the Yorkshire children on Christmas morning and on New Year's Day they come again to bring thg same good wishes for future prosperity. Some weeks before Christmas the '"véssel cups" (l.e., wassail cups) come round with their doll--to rep- resent the Virgin Mary lying in box amidst cotton wool and ever- greens. Some of these travel from far and proclaim their arrival by opening the door and singing: God bless the master of this. house And the mis-ter-ess also And all the little bonny bairns That round the table go. For it is at this time Strangers travel far and near So 1 wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year. It is considered very unlucky not to give something to the first "ves- sel cups." On Christmas Eve the new Yule Log must be lighted with a piece of the old one kept over from last year. The Yule candles (a present from the grocer) should be lighted by the master of the house in the same way before the Frumenty Is eaten. Frumenty is made of creed wheat boiled in milk and seasoned with nutfreg, cloves und treacle, enough of this is made for supper on Christmas Eve and on the Hve of the New Year. It is never eaten at any other time and none must be left on the plates, The master scratches a "rough cross on the cheese before it is cut--a piece of this cheese, a Yule cake and a glass of mulled ale or elderberry wine completes the repast, The "Mistletoe Bough" is fash- . foned out of two hoops decked with holly, apples, oranges and nuts and a2 large branch of the Mistletoe is hung up in the room, and before going to bed the wise ones look round to watch their shadow, for if only a head is shadowed on the wall its owner will Christmas. On_Christmas or New Year mora- ing the "first foot" or "lucky bird™ will knock at the door befgre any inmate can leave the house. 'This must be a man, or a boy, with dark hair--a light-haired person would only bring misfortune. On Christ- mas morning some pay a visit to the cow byre, for then the vattle Khieel in adoration of the Saviour's Birth, S At Christmas time Yorkshire hos- pitality is boundless, every visitor must taste the cake and cheese with a piece of apple pie and a glass of home-made wine. All through the Christmas week the mummers pay their visits to the houses round, and hand-bell ringers and caro] singers do their best to let people know that Christmas has really come, -- Canary birds have been so great ly changed by their four centuries of domestication in other lands that they are now im d Inte their native Canary | a A ~e 924 Dry dock, ship, boat and machinery repairs. No order t oo large or too small. Oxy-acetylene Welding and Cut- ting by experienced hands. Air plant, gasoline power for sale or to rent. S Yendid uip- kinds of Dont ment for handling all and mill work. Automobile work and repairs. Autos, trucks and parts for sale. Communicate with us when you re- quire service. 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