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/"•••Trr*-"-;-' ?1• HUB CONTKMED MAN. BT MABC AKTOlint Dl»AWa|IM8 ortals, you vrho curse your lot m ft* (Some who cone it ought to UM) > fcatne to pee me in my oot, * Learn the way to happiness... Wifely will your time be lef Ho knows ot' a plan, ; », This singular man, ,j?J- •„ % Ever to be content. j In a garret mean and xnaall, r » Here I live on fortuned ope, my income and my ail, < > i yet tio* comfort still to think , ' , Some iheir very biipc have SpejK-- , Heknowof aphl^to.^.,^iW^,/ T t l i • s i n g u l a r m a % • „ y ' * Ever to be content. ^ ou who growl and groin, feefiiilc *;f? V'ears uptort on and rob your |>rixue, 'Comfort take ; by nature'* lawn We grow bald: but with (lie lime Rlpeuepfi is to claret lent-- , He knows of a plan. This singular r.-.^a, Ever to be content. -- *' •I Sunshine all the year is sweet; Does it rain ? ' I is good for crops. it freeze ? Then, how we eat! Does it thaw ? The W inter stops. Spring will coin;- and cold be spent-- igs He knows of a plan, Xhu> singular ID an, ' Ever to be content. ItJome rheumatics? well--*»•. . .s,.::;, Here I lie upon the bed; j^tiU, no bvfiness tor awhile; •». ' • ' - f K o m o r e v i s i t s t o b e p a i d . - •iltbou Si One can He knows ot apian, This singular wan,' Svtr to be bontent. ugh <a»%t«nt- I had to die to-njght, " Health to Death!" and send U round-- '*« Me he sp*res *o wonld I write-^ 4* Ills in age so often found, ' Wits and health, and fortune spent." He knows of a plan, « nils singular man, Ew to be content. •ARK TWAIN AT NIAtiABA FALLS. Niagara Falls is one o! the finest structures in the world. I have been visiting this favorite watering-place re­ cently for the first time and was well pleased. A gentleman who was with me said it was customary to be disappointed in the falls ; but that subsequent visits were sure to set that all right. He said it was so with him. He said that the first time he went hack fares were so much higher than the falls that the falls appeared in­ significant Bat that is all regulated now. j The liackmen have been tamed, num­ bered, and placarded, and blackguarded ! Trading with forty-rod whisky to enable into subjection to the law, and dosed j you to get drunk and happy and toma- with moral principle till they are as meek j hawk your families has played the ever- as missionaries. _ 1 anting mischief with the picturesque They are divided into two claps now, I pomp of your dress, and here you are in the Regulars and the Privateers, and broad light of the nineteenth cen- drew my flask from my pocket, but it was all in vain. A sign confronted me, which said: " No drinking allowed on these prem­ ises." On that spot I might have perished of thirst but for the saving words of an honored maxim that fiitted through my memory at that moment: "All signs fail in dry times." Common law takes prece­ dence of the statutes. 1 wan saved. The noble rcni man had always been a darling of mine. I loved to read about him in tale and legend and romance. I loved to read of his inspired sagac­ ity, and of his love of the wild, free life of mountain and forest, and his grand truthfulness; his hatred of treachery, and his general nobility of character, and his stately metaphorical speech, and his chivakie love for the du®ky maider, and ths picturesque pomp of his dress and accouterments. When I found the shops at Niagara Falls full of dainty bsadwork and stun­ ning moccasins, and equally stunning toy figures representing human beings who carried their weapons in holes bored in their arms, and bodies shaped like a pie, I was filled with emotion. I knew that now I was going to erase face to face with the noble red man. A lady clerk in the shop told me, in­ deed, that all her grand array and made by the Indians, and there were plenty about the falls, and that thev were friendly, and that it would not be dan­ gerous to speak to them. I came upon a camp of them gathered in the shade of a great tree, making moccasins, and addressed them in the following language of friendship: "Noble Red Men, Brave Grand Sa­ chem, War Chiefs, Squaws, and High- you-Nuck-a-Mucks, the pale face from the land of the setting sun greets you! You, Beneficent Polecat, you, Devourer of Mouutains, you, Roaring Thunder- gust--the pale face from beyond the great waters greets you all! " War and pestilence has thinned your ranks and destroyed your once proud nation. Poker and seven-up and a vain! modern expense for soap unknown to your glorious ancestors have depleted your purses. Appropriating in simplic­ ity the property of others has gotten you into trouble. Misrepresenting facts in your sinless innocence has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper, employ their idle time in warning people against each other. The regulars are tury, gotten up like the ragtag and bob­ tail of the purlieus of New York! For under the hotel banners and the priva- shame! Remember your ancestors! Re- teers prowl darkly on neutral ground and pick off stragglers at half price. Bnt there are no more outrages and extortions. That sort of thing cu*ed it­ self. It made the falls unpopular by getting into the newspapers, and when­ ever a public evil achieves that sort of •access for itself ITS UM^B ARE numbered. It became apparent that either the falls had to be discontinued or the hack- had to subside. They could not % men dam the fall, so they did the hackmen. One can be comfortable and happy there now. t I drank up most of the American Falls before I learned that the waters were not considered, medicinal. Why are people left in ignorance this way? I might hare gone on and rained a line property, merely for the want of a little informa­ tion. And yet the souroes of information are not meager at Niagara Falls. You are something in doubt what yon ought to do, but you are seldom in doubt con­ cerning what yoa must do. If an infant can read, that infant im measurably safe in Niagara. \ 3 If you room at the hotel you will find your course marked out in the most con­ venient way, by means of placards on the wall like these: " Pull the bell-rope gently, but don't jerk." "Bolt your door." " Don't scrape matches on the walls or furniture." " Turn off your gas when you retire." " Tie up your dog." "If you put your l>oota outside the door they will be blacked, but the house will not be responsible for their re­ turn." This is a confuting iind tanglcsome proposition, because it moves you to de­ liberate long and painfull yas to whether it will really be any object to you to lrnve your boots blacked unless they are re turned. "Give your key to the omnibus driver if you forget and carry it off with you." Outside the hotel, wherever you win­ der, you are intelligently assisted by the signs. You cannot come to grief as long as you are in your right luiud with so many instructions to keep track of. For instance: & " Keep off the grass." " JJon't climb the trees." " Hands off the vegetables." " Don't hitch your horses to the shrub ber>." r " Vii-it the Gave of the Winds. "Have your portrait taken in your CARPING^." " Forty per cent, in gold levied on all peanuts ami other Indian curiosities pur­ chased iu Canada." " Photographs of the falls taken here.' " Wsitors will«please notify the Su jperiut* ndent of any neglect on the part of employes to charge for commodities.*' (BO inattention of this kind is ob­ served.) "Don't throw stones «lown; there might be people below." "The pro. ptietors will not be reapw.aible for par­ ties who jump over the falls." (More shirking of responsibility--it Appears to be the prevailing failing here.) I always had a high regard for the signers of the Declaration of Independ etur, but now they do not really seem to amount to much along with the suroern • <»f Niagara Fall*. To tell the truth the multitude of signs annoyed me. It was because I noticed «t last they were prohibiting the very ' Wng J was just wanting to do. X desired to roll on the gratis ; the sign prohibited it. I longed to smoke ; sign prohibited it. And I was just in the act of throwing a stone over to pul­ verize such paities as might be picnick­ ing below, when a sign I have just men tinned forbade that. Even that satisfac­ tion was denied me, and I was a friend­ less orphan. There was no resource now but to seek •̂ isolation from the flowing bowi TIGER JIJK, " Old Job Dawson had bees dttly elected to fill the responsible position of a Jus­ tice of the Peace, and this was the first case that had demanded his attention. Job was an old veteran mountaineer, and had lived in the shadow of the lofty peaks hunting, trapping and fighting In­ dians, to use his own words, "sense Adam war a kid." In that rough region an accusation of a great orime against any one is but a forerunner of a "Hang­ ing bee," and a trial even is seldom thought of. But in the present instance a wild «' cuss " who had been frequenting the settlements had appropriated a " broncho " (Indian pony) belonging to a neighboring ranchman, and had been pursued, captured and brought back. Old Job was summoned to try the culprit, and a spot in the rocky gulch near the 'Squire's cabin was selected as the Rite for the investigation. A motley crowd of hunters, trappers, miners and ranoheros had assembled. Some were lying upon the ground and others sitting upon the rocks, all anxiously awaiting the 'Squire's coming. Job soon came from toward the cabin, and with a digni­ fied air' seated himself upon a bowlder, took off his bear-skin cap, and said: "Fellers, the Court are ready to git down to biz, an' I want ye all to cheese yer racket an' let tip on that chin music according to law. Throw yer ha'r in sight and pay "tention to the'Court." . ISvery hat came off at hie command, and " His Honor," glancing around the circle, said: " Whar is the dam cuss?" Three mountaineers, armed with Henry rifles and six-shooters, stepped forward with the thief, a young man, wearing a bold, devil-may-care expression. ' His hands.were securely fastened behind his back with buckskin thongs. Clad in buckskin from head to foot, he presented a picturesque appearance as fa© faced the 'Squire. "W'at do home "Ain't got enny home, leastways in these parts," sullenly replied the pris­ oner. " Ain't, hey ? Well, w'at's the name yon tuk w'en yoa left the States, then?" it do they call you^Een yer at asked the Court. « call their mighty deeds? Remember IJncas! and Red Jacket! and Hole-in- the-Day! and Horace Greeley! Emu­ late their achievements! Unturl your­ selves under my banner, noble savages, illustrious gutter-snipes " "Down wid him!" " Scalp the blaggard I" "Hang him!" "Dhrownhim!" It was the quickest operation that I ever saw. I simply saw a sudden dash in the air of clubs, brick-bats, fists, bead-baskets, and moccasins--a single flash, and they all appeared to hit me at once and no two in the same place. In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me. They tore all the clothes off of me; they broke all my arms and legs; they gave me a thump that dented the top of my head till it would hold coflee like a saucer; and then to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add insult to injury they threw me over the Horseshoe Fall, and I got wet. About ninety-nine or a hundred feet from the top the remains of my vest eaught on a projecting rock, and I was almost drowned before I could get loose. I finally fell and brought up in a world of foam at the foot of the fall, whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several inches above my. head. Of course I got into the eddy. I sailed round and round it forty-four times, chasing a chip and gaining on it--each round trip a half mile--reaching the same bush on the bank forty-four times, and just missing it by a hair's breadth every time. At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush, and put a pipe in his mouth and lit a match, and fol­ lowed me with one Gye and kept the other on the match while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind. Presently a puff of wind blew it out The next time I swept arotmd him he said: " Got a match ?" "Yes--in my other vest. Help me out, please." "Not for Joe." When I came around again I wvifl : " Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning but will you explain this singular conduct of yours?1' " With pleasure. I am the Coroner. Don't hurry on my account I can wait for you. I wish I had a match." "Take my place and I'll get you one," I said. « He declined. This lack of confidence on his part created a coolness between as, and from that time forward I avoided him. It was my idea in case anything hap­ pened to me to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom into the hands of the opposition Coroner over on the Amer­ ican side. At last a policeman came along and ar­ rested me for disturbing the peace by yelling for help. The Judge fined me. Bat I had the advantage of him. My money was with my pantaloons, which were with the Indians. Thus I escaped. I am now lying in a very critical condition. At least i am lying any way--critical Or not. I am *lmrt all over, but I cannot tell the extent yet, because the doctor is not done taking the inventory. He will make out my manifest this evening. However, thus far, he thinks only six of my wounds are fatal. I don't mind the others. Upon regaining my right mind I said << l"f ia /-.il.. T_ " The boys hyer on the call me 'Tiger Jim. "Wall, Tige, yer spotted as a hoss thief, an' I reckon thar's sumthin' in it or the boys wudn't a brought you in. You can't expect a toney trial like you'd git down to Laramie or eny of them towns along the road. We hevn't any paper, pens or ink, or eny o' that sort o' foolishness up hyer in the hills,, an' thar ain't one o' us as could engineer 'em ef we had, so we'll jist grind her through, an' do the best we km for you. In the name o' the law I now ax you did you collar that horse--but stop 'er rite thar, doggone it, I forget to swar yoa. Gam mitey near forgittin' it Hold up yer right han'!" " Held up nathin'. How Jan X when they'r tied titer'n blazes ?" "That's so. Yer k'rect, Tiger, but gess eny member o' the body'11 be 'cord- in to law in 'xtreme cases. Stedy him a little, fellers, so's he kin hold np his right foot" "Tige" raised his moccasin-covered foot while a guard on each side held him in position. " Now, then, I ain't fly on them ar law­ yers' affidavits, but I'll make her stoat ennff to hold a Mexioan «nW Tiger Jim, do vou Bwar by the holy Moses, accordin to the laws of Wyoming Terri­ tory, thet every time ye chip into my racket yell give us the squar truth. An ef you don't do you hope that ye may git chawed up by a grizzly, chopped to pieces by Sioux, Strang up to a pine with a rope 'roun' yer dam thievin' neck an' fail to connect on heaven w'en yer lite goes out, to the best o' yer under- standin' as provided by law, s'help yer God, eh?" " That's jist what I does, pardy." " Now, Tige, yer under oath, an' ev'ry time yer speak yer want to hit the bull s eye. Did you nip thet hoss?" " Wall, Uncle Job, there's no use o' lying about it, an' I'll tell yoa jist how it war. Las' night you know thar war a jamboree over to A1 WUkins" ranch© in Miller's gulch an' I war thar. A1 had been to Laramie City and got a keg., o' good old budge, an we all got purty full. Ai tei' the d&ncin war over I pulled out fur Bowleg' ranche, whan* I'm hang- in' out, an' as I was staggedn' dowa round Mountain Cat Hill 1 runs sight onto the broncho that war picketed out in the grass, an' I war jist drunk enough to mount him an' lite but. I know ! m goiu' to swing fur it an* IU die game, too. I ainfc woth a cuss anyway, an' if it warn'b fur my good old mother back in thf> States (here the tears began to roll down his bronzed cheeks) who never closes her eyes 'thout prayin* for God to send me back to her, I'd laugh at death, an' help ye to fix the rope; but when I think o that darling old soul I git weaker n'a wounded antelope. I tell ye fellers I've bin a tuff cuss ever sence I struck oat far these mountins, and I s'pose the world'll be better 'thout me in it My old mother'll suffer, I know that, fnr I'm her ouly kid, an' hev sent her every ounce o' dust thet I could spare, an' it's all she's hed to live on. She's been a good 'un to me, God bless her, an' I'm sorry I hevn't lived so's I can camp with her up thar (raiding his tearful eyes toward Heaven), and, boys, won't some o' ye write to her. Tom Kirk thar knows whar she lives, an' tell her I got let out by an Injun, or pegged out nat'rally. For God's sake don't let her know I war strangled. The news 'ud kill her. But then I'll cheese this gab or ye'U think I'm weakening, an the man don't live as can skeer Tiger "Tige, ye w'udn't break an oath, •w'udye?" "No, Job Dawson, not for Mend or foe. Thar ain't a boy in the hills as can say thet Jim ever went back on even his given word. I'm a rough 'un an' do sum mitey wicked things, but when I say a thing ye can gamble every dollar you've got on it bein'straight." "Well, Tige, we had intended to swing ye, an' ye deserve swingm but I can't get rid o' that 'mother' chihin' ye give us. I 'spect the old lady's set her he%rt on seein' ye agin, an' is wearin' her old eyes out lookin' for ye. I've got an old mother myself, an' tho' I hevn't sot eyes on her sence '49 her pioter's right hyar in my heart, an' it's a pleadin' for your old 'ooman, Tige. It's ruff, Tige, ruff, an'--lemme see--yea, darned ef I don't do it Jack, cut them ar strings so's he can git his ban's loose. Thar, thet's it Now, Tige, hold up yer right hand, and ef ever ye swore strong do it now. Do you swar by the great God, and yer blessed old mother, that ef this Court discharges ye ye'll lite right out for the States, an' go hum to the old lady an' love her an' comfort her as long as she stays out o' heaven. Do ye swar to this, Tige, before Almighty God and this court?' "I do, Job, an' thar's my fist on it Put'er thar. Iswaritan'll pull stakes rite off. " " Then ye're released on them terms, an' the boys'U help ye git yer traps down to the station, but mind, I tell ye, Tige, ef yer ever caught in the hills agin ye'll go up a tree. Fellers, the court's over an' the prisoner's discharged."--M. Quad. Stanley's Revenge. Do you remember now the New York Herald's brave African explorer, H. M. Stanley, was snubbed by the Royal Geo­ graphical Society when he first came to England--how they wouldn't credit his statements, and privately didn't believe that he'd ever seen Livingstone? If Jrou don't, I do ; and I remember Stan-ey's indignation. That is about two years ago. Now we have the reverse of the medal, and if Stanley wanted the best sort of revenge he nas got it. A few nights ago Africa's most illustrious travelers gathered around the President of the Royal Geographical Society to chant Stanley pseans and to discourse upon the lake which the intrepid Amer­ ican 1: as now definitely placed upon the chart. CoL Grant, the friend and companion of Speke, read a paper founded on Stanley's work; Sir Samuel Baker followed CoL Grant; Capt Baker followed Sir Samuel Baker, and one and all paid tribute to the man in whom none of them believed. Is it not a triumph, and ought not James Gordon Bennett to feel a glow of pride in think­ ing that to his brilliant inspiration is due the most important African discoveries that have yet been made ? I wish, how­ ever, he had not taken any one into partnership in this business. He ought to have littu all the glory for himself and America. " Our joint commission­ er" is not half as satisfactory a spectacle as " Commissioner for the New York Herald" only. I've an idea that Mr. Bennett will not be quite so magnani­ mous when he next sends forth an ex­ plorer to discover the unknown. --Kate Fieldt in the Louisville Courier-Jour • nal. SHOCKING TRAGEDY. 'A William as a Com- It is an awfully savage tribe of In­ dians that do the beadwork and moeasins for Niagara Falls, Doctor. Where are they from?" r I shalt not be able to finish my re­ marks about Niagara Falls until I get better. ~ ~ . A Miss HUFFX leaches school ia Cin­ cinnati. > Jim. Elevate me, boys, jist as quick as ye please. I'm ready when you are." During this recital Jim's eyes were filled with tears, and a close observer would have detected silent weeping on all sides. That magic word "mother" had awakened tender recollections in the breasts of every one of those hardy mountaineers. Men who could face d«fti!i ia any shape without & particle of feeling did not try to hide their tears at the mention of that sacred name, mother! How sweet it sounded in their ears. It carried them back to the happy days in the past, when they were blessed with the love of parents before the insatiable thirst for gold had led them into these mountain wilds. Not a word was spoken for a few seconds, and then old Job drew his horny hand across his -watery eyes and said in a husky voice: Lloyd Garrison positor. On Friday morning last an elderly gentleman entered our office and said it was his birthday. He was 71 years old. Fifty years ago, on the 10th of Decem­ ber, 1825, he had attained his majority and finished his apprenticeship as a com­ positor in this office, having served seven years and two months. He wished to celebrate the anniversary by setting up matter where he had learned the mystery of printing, and to see if his hand had forgotten its cunning. A case and stick were accordingly furnished him, but the copy he selected himself, " My Psalm," by Whittier. The gentleman proved to be a rapid and correct compositor; in fact, no errors could be discovered in his proof. His name is tolerably well known in the world. It is William Lloyd Garrison. At the time when Mr. Gar­ rison was the oldest apprentice in the Herald office, Joseph B. Morse was the youngest, and while the matter was be­ ing set Mr. Mors© came in and met his old fellow-workman celebrating his semi­ centennial. William Lloyd Garrison is a native of. Newbury port, nji/i edu­ cated in its common schools.--Netvbury- port (Mass.) Herald. Foolish* Litigation. Six years ago Messrs. Wolcott, John* son & Co., of Freehold, N. J., sold jto Lewis D. Mount, a farmer,a twenty-five- cent package of what they represented as seed that wonld produce excellent early turnips. The seed brought forth late turnips and of such poor quality that Mr. Mount was oompelled to feed them to his cattle. . Mr. Mount sued for dam­ ages before a Justice of the Peace, and was granted a judgment of $99 dam­ ages. The plea of the defendants was that they had purchased the seed under the impression that it was first-class, and having paid the ordinary price no fraud was intended. Appeals were taken to the Supreme Court, and then to the Court of Appeals, and these all affirmed the original decision of the Justico of the Peace. Ia the suit, $10,000damages in legal expenses have been paid. A CHICAGO grand jury has refused to indict Wilbur F. Storey, editor of the Chicago Times, for libel, in charging that Senator Logan pretended to be sick in order to escape an examination that would show his complicity with the whisky ring. The jury declared there was insufficient legal ground for an in­ dictment. OUR people need not fear a war with Mexico. The total force of the Mexican army and the militia of the several States combined does not exceed 70,000 men. FRENCH Judges have decided that no corpse can be cremated unless the de­ ceased, when living, expressed a distinct wish to be ashed up. DISTANT relations--People who imag­ ine they have a claim to rob you if you kre^ rich, and to insult you if you are poor. EDWIN FORRXST'S at the cor­ ner of Broad and Master streets, Phila­ delphia, has been sold for $98,000. fills a Vixenish Wife and tUen Commit) Saicide. The parties, Mr. and Mrs. Bitter, were a middle-aged couple who had long been residents of Flat bush. They were peo­ ple in comfortable circumstances, and among the most respectable in the lo­ cality. Mrs. Hitter was a leading mem­ ber of the Methodist Church, and an ardent worker in the cause of her society. Her husband was attendant on and a be­ liever in the doctrines of the Reformed Church, although not a communicant This difference in religious belief was a constant bone of contention between the husband and wife, and led, indirectly, to the double crime of last week. The night previous to the murder and suicide there was a Methodist prayer meeting at the house of a neighbor, and Mrs. Ritter, who had for some time manifested great anxiety for her husband's sOul, wanted him to attend the meeting with her. He declined, and she wept away alone, highly displeased with him. Rit­ ter hpent the evening at th^i house of another neighbor, a member of the Re­ formed Church. The Methodist meeting was out, and Mrs. Ritter got home and abed before her husband returned home. When he repaired to his bedroom, he foimd that his wife had locked the door on the inside, and positively refused to let him in. He found every other bed­ chamber in the house and every room with a fire in it locked, and he was finally compelled to go into the attic. The night was bitter cold, and he. got but little sleep. Friday morning he came down and found the kitchen unlocked^but his wife not yet out of her room. She presently appeared, and at once assailed him for his persistent refusal to repent of his sins and become a follower of the Lord. Warm words followed, and at last Ritter picked up a hammer that lay near and exclaimed: " We might better be dead than live this way!" He then dealt his wife several blows on the head, and she fell screaming to the floor. Her screams were heard by Eli Ephgrave, a neighbor, and he at once rushed into Ritter's apartments. He found the husband standing over the prostrate form of his wife the hammer raised as if to strike again. Ephgrave seized hold of him and threw him aside and carried Mrs. Ritter into her own part of the house. Ritter repeated the above remark as Ephgrave went over with the wounded woman. He was left alone in his, room bat a moment, but when Ephgrave returned he found Ritter on his knees before Ms bed, with Ms head fallen over upon it and blood streaming from his throat to the floor. Ritter was taken up and laid upon his bed, when it was seen that he had cut his throat from ear to ear with a razor. He died before a physician could be called. Mrs. Ritter's wounds consisted of sev- QI*o| {r&CtuTOS of fUn jkrwj rtwig about the face. Sho was conscious for a short time, giving the above details, but soon entered a comatose state from which she never recovered.--New York Herald, r- - | • A FearflU Fate. This morning a Chronicle reporter ob­ served a dejected Piute buck standing on the curb of South C street, and (won­ der of wonders 1) holding in his arms a baby! The brave glanced uneasily about him, as if fearful that his degradation would be observed, and seemed to take anything but kindly to his charge. Presently two squaws emerged from the house lvehind htm, each carrying a pap- poose on her back, and the three wad­ dled off down the middle of the street. The reporter shortly afterward had the honor of shaking hands with Capt Bob, the Piute swell, resplendent in a green blanket and plug hat, and sought a so­ lution of the baby puzzle. The Captain smiled several inches, and affably ex­ plained that the reporter had witnessed one of the domestic penalties of the tribe. When twins are born te a buck who is not favored with grown up daugh­ ters, he is by Piute law obliged to take full charge of the superfluous infant until it is able to walk, when it reverts to the care of the mother. The unfor­ tunate brave is thus subjected to a prac tical slavery of two years8 length, as he huge, the wickiup very closely, being in a chronic state of mortification and dis­ gust From, tho manner ia winch the Captain chuckled and granted daring his osplaaation, it would seem that the father of twins becomes the butt of the wags of the tribe. "Two pappoose," concluded Bob, as he gazed wistfully at the worn coat of the reporter, " no good. He all same hell."--Virginia (Nev.) Chronicle. " How He Escaped. Two wood-choppers in Neosho, Kan., could not agree as to whether one owed the other fifty cents, and the end of the altercation was the murder ol the alleged creditor by the alleged debtor. Bill Gideon, the murderer, mounted a mule that he found hitched by the village store and rode away. Mr. Short, the owner of the mule, got a horse and over­ took the fugitive in a lonely place. " Now," said Gideon, drawing a revolver and aiming at his unarmed antagonist, "you've got to ride with me all day. If I let you go you'll alarm the country, and I don't want to kill you. Come along, and if you attempt to speak to anybody we meet I'll blow your brains out." Short dared not disobey, and they rode along together. Gideon told whoever they met that they were search­ ing for stray cattle. They kept on for thirty-six hours, and at the end of that time Short, having no saddle, was ex­ hausted. Gideon then quit him, leaving the male, and completing his escape on S t . * foot. The Lowell Mills. A LOWGU, Mass., paper says: "The thirty-ninth annual statistical report, issued this week, shows that in the Lowell mills there are 800,000 spindles and 17,750 looms; 10,500 female and 5,000 male operatives; 8,100,000 yards of goods are produced per wuek, 60,000 yards of woolens, 40,000 yards of carpet­ ing, 2,500 shawls, and 20,000 dozens of hosiery; that there are consumed weekly 930,000 pounds of cotton and 152,000 pounds of wool; the number of yards dyed and printed per annum is 89,880,- 000. Nearly all these items are in excesb over last year's figures, and some of them very considerably. BOMAMZA JEM. BT WTOHISa KIT. What! Stnutger, don't know Bonansa« Of Wild Man's Gulch? Why. it war him As struck it so rich in his claim last year. Never he'rd on't? 1'11 swar thet'H queer, And ye want the Btory ? Wall, lemme see, My Rullt t'n so dry I can't talk free-- . But then, eh 1 take a drink ? Wall, yea, Twoulan t be squar' to refuse, I guess. I think it war back in '68 Old Jim i-uui out from some Eastern State. He bummed around I>aramie City, an' beat whar he could, an' slep' in the street, X p i 4a" i ylice began to tire Of his loajlir and ywiked iiim afore the 'sqtlMK' ' Jim hadn t a cent, BO they worked it roun', An give him two hours to leave the town: Then he cum over hyar an' pitched in with ft wfll To «nkm' a ehaft up thar on the hill. .-y - He built him a cabin near to his claim, ""•***.. An lived on nuthin'but mountain game. ^ . Folks tho't he war crazy fur trying to mine * 4 V, har thar wa'n t a show o' " prospect" or « But Jim kop* on, w© all thought to hi« ruin* Tho' the CUBS seemed to know jist what to war doin'. An' we let him go--an' nur six years' time it r,-t - • He worked on thet shaft 'thout makin' a dliMlK** An' then we tho't he war crazy for sure, iWj / • So we called a mentin' down to the store, Aa' passed a unanimous vote thet the least We could do war to send him back to the East. The hat war passed round, an' the dust raised riffht thar To pay for his passage and something to spai*. An' then we we®,t arter him up to the hole, But when we got thar, sir, 1 declar' 'pon mjreool < W e saw sich a sight that, stranger, I'll s w a r r It made us all open our peepers an' star*. ?•", Fur thar war -Jim on his knees an' jist A starin1 at something he hed in his list, "s'- 'i An' as soon as he seed us he looked kinder An' win kin' one eye he said, " Struck 'er, bsgod." He went down in the shaft, an', stronger, I bops To swing in a minit from the end of a rope Ef the cuss hedn't struck a ten foot vein O' as purty ore as yell see again. He'd starved fur six year on a 'casional bite, An' worktti lik« thunder from mornin' till •MM, An' while we ihinkin' him crazy, the / War goin' right down on a million lead. An' now he's rich an' got oceans o' stock Down thar on the plains--an' owne a hull block • In Laramie City an'--hyar comes Jim, That man drest in buckskin, stranger, thetfe Mm." This is the story the miner toM . , To me way out in the land of gold, . Pith and Point. VAIITJABIIE birda--Gold eagles. PAIS of oufEs--Two darkeys. WHISKY is alike an internal furnace and an infernal turn-us. WHAT is the best food to eat when you have a sore tooth ? Pullet. SERGT. BATES, the sweet flag-bea*Br, is called Sergt. Bete Noir down South. THE Mexican baby-eater seems tohavt? fully demonstrated the truth of the say­ ing that the child is fodder to the man. Ax old gentleman who went to meet two pretty nieces for whom he was legal guardian told his wife he was going to a ward-meeting. THE difference between the tenant and the son of a poor widow has been ascer­ tained to be this: The tenant has to pay rents; the son of a poor widow has not two parents. A SERVANT girl seven feet high ia slimoring dishes around for a family in Washington, and when she goes to the grocery store after soap the clerks daren't wink a wink. SAID a young man to his bachelor un­ cle: " What advice would you give to a young man who was contemplating mat- runonys -- 1 HUUUIU advise HIM to keep on contemplating it." A CERTAIN New York dry-goods mer­ chant, in want of a boy, lately displayed the following suggestive notice: "Boy wanted that Ms fully rested himself, and is not too intellectual." " I WAS going to give her a nice pres­ ent, too," said a sweet child of six years to the sister of a recent biide, "but mamma said she thought we had done about enough for her." SOFA, so GOOD. --Mrs. Partington isn't at all surprised to hear that the Ottoman something is the seat of dissatisfaction. Give her a good old-fashioned sofy if you wants to sit like a Christian. BIGHT in the shadow of the honest milkman, a mean spirited cynic sits and says: " Thirteen million milch cows in this country assist to color the water for which the average American citizen pays eight cents a quart. YOUNG caddiboy--" I say, guard, there's no room in the second-class smok­ ing for me. What shall I do ?" Guard (with some irony)--" Well, sir, if I were you I should wire up to the General Manager immediately to send down a special."--Judy. Wma sad-browed stranger attends a Bed River dince and asks a belle for her hand she replies: " No, sir; 1 den't dance with anybody without an intro­ duce. I know my little biz, and I don't go waltzing around with any slouch, un­ less I know his name." A WOMAN cured her husband of staying out late at night by going to the door and whispering through the key-hole : " Is that you, Willie ?" Her husband's name is John, and he stops at home now, and sleeps with one eye open, and a re­ volver under his pillow. AN Ipswich, Mass., man is determined to forestall the fire-fiend: "He lives in a house with one pair of stairs, and every Tuesday night at 12 he cries sfire,' at wnieli his wife and children quickly rise and dress. He then takes out a window sash, puts a rope around his wife and lowers her to the ground, and then throws into her arms one child at a time. He puts his furniture into the street and removes it to a place of safety The whole time occupied is less than fifteen minutes, and he hopes to do it in ten." A FHW years ago the State's Attorney of a northern county in Vermont, al­ though a man of great legal ability, was Very fond of the bottle. On one occa­ sion an important criminal case was called on by the Clerk, but the attorney, with owl-like gravity, kept his chair, be­ ing, in fact, not fairly able to stand upon .his feet. *' Mr. Attorney, is the State ready to proceed?" said the Judge. " Yes--liic--no--your Honor," stam­ mered the lawyer; "the State is not--in a state to try this case to-day; the State, your Honor, is--drunk!" WHY HE SIGHED. I do not mourn, sweet wife of mine, Because those ruby lips of thine-- That marble brow-- Were kissed by one who might have been. Had I not chanoed to step between. Thy husband sow. • I do not grieve because thy heart, Ere Cupid touched it with my dart, For him would beat: Nor that tho hand which owns my ring Once wore his gift, a " Hizpah " thing- It was but meet. I sigh not that bis arms were placed Some score of times around your waist, So swret and slim. Ah, no, my love! the woe you Bee Is mine because you wedded uia Instead of him. THE new water-works for Virginia City will be completed in Jane. 1876 The oost will be $140,000.