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TUB CLOSING SCENR. fThf following if pronounced by the Westminster tpwiew to te unquestionably the fluent American ptw* ever written :J VMUa Uio »nl rr realm of leaflets trees. t j. . Tlie runHct y<ar inhaled the <?roamy air; ( tamied reaper, in his hour of ewe,* "j," Wbea all the fields are lying brown agd bare, 1I»J gray barns looking frcm their hazy hills, >• O'er the duo waters widening in the vale*, ^ •ftnt dnun tho sir a greeting to the mills, » . i - "On the dull thunder of alternate flails. < AH sight* were mellowed and all rounds subdued , v-r, dShe Mils seemed farther ftid streams sang low, W in dream the distant woodman hewed j Sis winter log with many a mu filed blow. iVb*embalmed forests, erewhile anued with gold, Thf banner bright with every martial hue, Bow stood like some »ac1, beaten host of old, , "Withdrawn afar in time's remotest blue. somber wings the vulture tried bis flight; 7 '̂ dove scarce heard his sighing mate's oom-Jl plaint; Jjjid like a star slow drowning in the light, trite village church vane seemed to pale and faint. #L ke sentinel cock up in the hillsicte crew-- Crew iiirice--and a!l was stiller than before; Silent, tip some replying warden blew . Eia elien horn, and then was heard no more. i-WjPtfi'i • ; ^Bbere erst the jay, within the elm's tall crest Made garrulous trouble rounc. her unfledged - . . . . .2 ..... "Im when the oriole swung her swaying Bint, ̂ every light wind like censer swung. v Where sang the noisy martins of the eaves, !The busy swallows circling ever n«ar-- Mrebodiug, as the rustic mind believes, < • • An earlybarvest and a plenteous year. Hhvre every bird that waked the vernal feast f̂ihook th«yjwedt slumber from its wings at mom, 'l' ®Bl «m the reaper of (he rosy east - " And now was sunless, empty a»d forlorn. f-, from out the stubble, piped the quail. And croaked tbe crow through all the dreary gloom; ie the pheasant, drumming in the vale, Made ocho i»- tbe distance to the cottage loom. was no bud, no bloom upon the bowers, Vo spiders moved their thin shrouds night by Ac thistle down, the only ghost of flowers, flailed slowly by--passed noiselessly out of sight. Aflkid all this, in this most dreary air, And where the woodbine sheds upon the porch Ha crimson leaves, as if the year stood there, firing the moor with its inverted torch. Aaaid an this, the center of the scene, * The white-haired matron with monotonous treaa. Wed the swift wheel, and with her joyous mien flat like fate, and watched the flying thread. Bkt hM known sorrow. He had walked with her. Oft rapped and broke wiih her the ashen crust, Am.1 in tfcs dead leaves still heard the stir Of his thick mantle trailing in the dust, lUe yet her cheek was bright with summer bloom Her country summoned, and she gave all; 1 twice was bowed to her his sable plums-- ave the sword to rust upon the wall. Bcvave the sword, but not the hand that And struck for liberty the dying blow, ""** - Bar him who. to his siro tha country true, . Tell 'mid the ranks of the invading foe,. . IaOtiK. but not loud, the droning wheel went on, like the low murmur of a hive at noon; - - Xrfmg, but not loud, tbe memory of the gone Breathed through he* Hps a sadand tremulous tone. It last the thread was snapped, her head bowed; life dropped the distaff through her hands serene; Anc ioving neighbors smooth her careful shroud, ' While death and winter closed fhe autumn'scene. Bead. BIKSVASSHiVSFUNEKiL. BY MARK TWAIN. There was a grand time over Buek Rmshaw when he died. He 'was a re­ presentative citizen of Virginia City, Kev&da. He had " killed his man "--not la Ms own quarrel, it is true, but in de­ fense of a stranger unfairly beset by Itambers. He had kept a sumptuous sa­ loon. He had been the proprietor of a dashing helpmeet whom he could have discarded without the formality of a di­ vorce. He had held a high position in the fire department and been a very War­ wick in politics. When he died there were great lamentations throughout the town, but especially in the vast bottom Jtrahim of society. _ After Buck Fanshaw's inquest, a meet­ ing of the shor!-haired brotherhood was Mid, for nothing can be done on the Pa­ cific coast without a public meeting and •a expression of sentiment. Regretful resolutions were passed, and various com­ mittees appointed ; among others, a eom- iwttea of one was deputed to call on the minister, a fragile, genteel, spiritual new -fledgeling from an Eastern theological seminary, and as yet unacquainted with "Hie way of the mines. The eommitteman, " Scotty " Briggs, made his visit; and in days it was worth something to hear Hie minister tell about it. Scotty was a «Bfcflwarfc rough, whose customary suit, 'When oa weighty official business, like committee work, -was a fir m helmet, flaming mil flannel shirt, patent leather belt with qpnanet and revolver attached, coat ming over arm, and pants stuffed into boot tops. He formed something of a ooiatrasi to the pale theological student. It is fair to say of Scotty, however, in passing, that he had a warm heart, and a strong Jove for his friends, and never •Rtered into a quarrel when he could seasonably get out of it Indeed, it was commonly said that when one of Scotty'a lights was investigated, it always turned out that it had originally been no affair of his, but that out of native goodheart- •flness he had dropped in of his own ac­ cord to help the man who was getting Te worst of it. He and Buck Fanshaw %ere bosom friends for yeais, and had Often taken adventurous " pot-luck " to­ gether. On one occasion they had thrown off their coats and taken the weaker side in a fight among strangers, and after gaining a hard-earned victory, turned and found that the men they were df;serted early, and not only ' .J?'?tol®n ^eir coats and made ©ff with them! But to return to Scotty's iraafc to the minister. He was on a sor- company of -believers whose sanctuary adjoins these premiss." Scotty scratched i>is head, reflected a moment, and then said : "You rather hold over me, pard. Reckon I can't call that hand. Ante and .pass the buck." t' "How? I beg pardon. What did Understand you to say ? " Welj, *, ou've ruthei" got tu6 bnige ou me. Or maybe we've both got the bulfe, somehow. You don't smoke me and I don't smoke you. You see one of the boys has passed in his checks, and we want to give him a good send off, and so the thing I'm on now is to get some­ body to jerk a little chin music for us and waltz him through handsomely." "My friend, I seem to grow more and more bewildered. Your observations •are incomprehensible to me. Cannot you simplify them in some way? At first I thought I understood you, but I grope now. Would it not expedite mat­ ters if you restricted yourself to cate­ gorical statements of fact, unencum bered with obstructing accumulations of metaphor and allegory ? Another pause, and more reflection. Then said Scotty : " I'll have to pass, I judge." "How?" "You've raised me out, pard.*1 " I still fail to catch your meaning, " Why, that last lead of yourn is too many for me--that's the idea. I can't neither trump nor follow suit The clergyman sank back in his chair perplexed. Scotty leaned his head on his hand and gave ldmself up to thought. Presently his face came np, sorrowful, but confident. ^ " I've got it now, so's you can savvy," he said, " What we want is a gospel- sharp. See ? "f " A what 1" "Gospel-sharp. Pftrsoh." " Oh I" Why did yon not say so be­ fore ? # I am a clergyman--a parson." Now yon talk! Yon see my blind and straddle it like a man. Put it there! "--extending a brawny paw, which closed over the minister s small band and gave it a shake indicative of fraternal sympathy and fervent gratifi­ cation. Now we're iA right, pard. Let's start fresh. Don't yon mind my snuffling a little--bocuz, we're in a power of tronble. Yon see, one of the hoys has gone up the flume--" "Gone where?" "Up the flume--throwed np the sponge. Yon understand." " Thrown up the sponge ?" " Yes--kicked the bucket--" " Ah--has departed to that mysterious bbuntry from whose bourne no traveler returns." Return t I reckon not Why, pard, he's dead /" Yes, I understand." Oh, you do ? Well, I thought maybe you might be getting tangled some more. Yes, you see he's dead again--" " Again f Why, has he ever been dead before?" • " Dead before ? No! Do you reckon a man has as many lives as a cat ? But you bet he's awful dead now, poor old boy, and I wish I'd never seen this day. I don't want no better friend than Buck Fanshaw. I knowed him by the back ; and when I know a man like him, 1 freeze to him--you hear me. Take him all roundj pard, there never was a bullier man in the mines. No man ever knowed Buck Fanshaw to go back on a friend. But it's all up, yon know, it's all np. It ain't no use. They've scooped him." "Scooped him?" " Yes--death has. Well, well, well, we've got to give him up. Yes, indeed. It's a kind of a hard world, after all, ain't it ? But, pard, he was a rustler! You ought to see him get started once. He was a bull;; boy with a glass eye I Just spit iu his face and give him room ac­ cording to his strength, and it was just beautiful to see Him peel and go in. He was the worst son of a thief that ever drawed breath. Pard, he was on it! He was on it bigger than an Injun !" "On it? On what?" " On the shoot. On the shoulder. On the fight, you understand. He didn't give a continental for anybody. Beg your pardon, friend, for coming so near saying a cust -word--but you see I'm on an awful strain in this palaver, on ac­ count of having to cramp down and draw everything so mild. But we've got to give him up. There ain't any g tting around that, I don't reckon. Now if we can get you to help plant him--" "Preach the funeral discourse ? As­ sist at the obsequies?" "Obs'quies is good. Yes. That's it--that's our little game. We ate going to get the thing up regardless, you know. He was always nifty himself, and so vou bet you his funeral ain't going to be no slouch solid silver door plate on his coffin, six plumes on the hearse, and a nigger on the box in a bild shirt and a plug hat--how's that for high? And we'll take care of you, pard. We'll fix you all right. Therell be a kerridge for you ; and whatever you want, you just 'scape out and we'll tend to it. We've got a shebang fixed np for you to stand behind in No. l's house, and don't you be afraid. Just go in and toot your horn, if you don't sell a clam. Put Buck through as bully as you can, pard, for anybody that knowed him will tell you that he was one of the whitest men that w»» ever in the mines. You can't (Law it too strong.* He never pard. Could you say it over once more, and say it slow ? " "Well, to simplify it, somewhat, was he or rather had he ever been connected with any organization sequestered from secular conoerns and devoted to self-sac­ rifice in the interests of morality 2 " "All down but nine--sot *em tn> cm the other ally, pard." " What did I understssidi you to say i" *' Why, you're most too many for me, you know. When you get in with your left I hunt gram everv time. Every time you draw, you fill; but I don't seem to have any luck. Let's li^ve a new deal. • »*.' : - K ' "Vejy well Wa« he a good min and--" "There, I see that; don't put up an­ other chip till I look at my hand A good man, says you ? Pard, it ain't no name fbr it. He was the best Ttmn that ever--pard, you'd have doted on that man. He could lam any galoot of his inches in America. It was him that put down the riot last election before it got a start; and everybody said he was the only man that could have done it. He waltzed in with a spanner in one hand and a trumpet in the other, and sent fourteen men home on a shutter in less than three minute#. He had that riot all broke up and prevented nice before any­ body ever got a chance to stride a blow. He was always for peace, and he would have peace--he could not stand disturb­ ances. Pard, he was a great loss to this town. It would please the boys if you could chip in something like that and do him justice. Here once when the Micks got to throwing stones through the Meth- odis' Sunday school windows, Buck Fan­ shaw, all of his own notion, shut up his saloon and took a couple of six-shooters and mounted guard over tha Sunday school Says he, 'No Irish need apply J' And they didnt. He was the bulliest man in the mountains, pard! He cquld run faster, jump higher, hit harder, and hold more tangle-foot whisky without spilling it than any man in sev­ enteen counties. Put that in, pard--it'll pleafte the boys more than anything you could say. And you can" say, pard, that he never shook his mother. " Never shook his mother?" "That's it--any of the boys will tell you so. " "Well, but why should lie shake hert" " That's what I say--but some people does." any repute I" that averages pretty ^ u «^rthTr«1nfw^ D<^».and hia face was the i could stand it to see thirgs going wrong. t„ the He ha» done more to .Sake tlds to™ ,c'?W:! qniet and peaceable than any ma„ in i, man, placed his fire-hat on an unfinished manuscript sermon under the minister's nooe, took from it a red handkerchief wiped his brow and heaved a sigh of aimud impresfiveness, explanatory of Ms business. He choked, and even shed tears , but with an effort he mastered his *oim and said in lugubrious tones: " Are you the duck that runs the gospel-mill next door ?" "Am I the--pardon me, I believe 1 do not understand ?" With another sigh and a half-Bob, Sootty rejoined ̂ " Why you see we are in a bit of trouble, and the boys thought maybe you would give us a lift, if we'd tackle yon--that is, if I've got the rights of it Mi you are the head clerk of the dox- ology workq next door." I am the shepherd in charge of the flock whose fold is next door," "The which?" " The spiritual adviser of tbe little I've seen him lick four Greasers in elev­ en minutes, myself. If a thing wanted regulating, he warn't a man to go brows ing around after somebody to do it, but he would prance in and regulate it him­ self. He warn't a Catholic. Scasely. Ifei wa#, down on 'em. His word was, " No Irish need apply ! " But it didn't make no difference about that when it come down to what a man's rights was-- and so, when some roughs jumped the Oath olic bone-yard and started in to stake out town-lots in it, he went for em! And he cleaned 'em, too f I was there, pard, and I seen it my salt" " That was very well indeed--at least was--whether the act was strictly defensible or not. Had deceased any ^ei'?iOU8 convictions? That is to sav, did he feel a dependence upon, or acknowledge allegiance to a higher power?" More reflection. "Ireckon yo've stumped me X* "Not "We 30-S0. " In my opinion the man that would offer personal violenoe to his own mother, ought to--" " Cheese it, pard; you've banked your ball cleau outside the string. What I was drivin' nt; was, that he never throtved off" on his mother--donft you see ? No indeedy. He give her a "house to live in; and town lots, and plenty of money ; and he looked after her and took care of her all thd time ; and when she was down with the small-pox I'm d--d if he didn't set up nights and nuss her himself! Beg your pardon for saying it, but it hopped out too quick for yours truly. You've treated me like a gentleman, pard, and I ain't the man to hurt your feelings intentional I think you re a square man, pard. I like you, and m lick any man that don't. I'll lick him till he can't tell himself from a last year's corpse t Put it there! [Another fra­ ternal handshake--and exit.] The obsequies were all that "the boys " could desire. Such a marvel of funeral pomp had never been seen in Virginia. The plumed hearse, the dirge- breathing brass bands, the closed marts of business, the flags drooping at half mast, the long, plodding procession of uniformed secret societies, draped en­ gines, carriages of officials, and citizens in vehicles and on foot, attracted multi­ tudes of spectators to the sidewalks, roofs and windows ; and for years after­ ward, the degree of grandeur attained by any civic display in Virginia was de­ termined by comparison with Buck Fan­ shaw's funeral Scotty Briggs, as a . pall-bearer and a mourner, occupied a prominent place at the funeral, and when the sermon was finished, and the last sentence of the prayer for the dead man's soul ascended, ae responded, in' a low voice, but with feeling : " Amen. No Irish need apply." As the bulk of the response was with­ out apparent relevancy, it was probably nothing more than an humble tribute to the memory .of the friend that was gone ; for, as Scottv had onoe said, that was "his word. , Scotty Briggs, in after days, achieved the distinction of becoming the only convert to religion that was ever gath­ ered from the Virginia roughs ; and it transpired that the man who had it in hiiii to espouse the quarrel of the weak out of inborn nobility of spirit was no mean timber whereof to construct a Christian. The making him one did not warp his generosity or dimiwiiwh his courage; on tbe contrary, it gave intelli­ gent direction to the one and a broader field to tiieother. If his Sunday-school class progress faster than the other classes, was it a matter of wonder? I think not. He talked to his pioneer smallfry in a language they understood f It was my privilege, a month before he died, to hear him tell the beautiful story of Joseph and his brethren to his class •'without looking at the book.'" I leave it to the reader to fancy what it was like, as it fell, riddled wit)i slang, from the lips of that grave, earnest teacher, and was listened to by his little learners with a consuming interest that showed that they were unconscious as he that any violence was being done to the sa­ cred properties. RIVERS AND HARBORS. The innoal Appropriations for the Weat. The River and Harbor Appropriation bill, as passed by the House of Repre­ sentatives, appropriates a grand total of $5,872,850, of which S£81,000 is appro­ priated for the New England States^ $657,000 for the Middle States, includ­ ing Ohio, $1,627,000 for the Western States, including all the Territories and California, and $3,113,850 for the South­ ern States. Among the appropriations in which Western men are most directly interested are those for the following rivers and harbors: V * Y Buffalo, N. V .$ 75,000 Superior Bay, Wla 8,000 Duluth, Minn .....V.'.I... 16,000 Ontonagon, Mich 16.000 FjigJfi Harlwir, Mich 15,000 Marquette, Mich 6,000 Frankfort, Mich .' 5,0C0 Manistee, Mich 16,000 Ludington, Mich 10,000 Pentwater, Mich 10,000 White River, Mich. 10,000 Muskegon, Mich 16,000 Grand Haven, Mich 16,000 Green Bay, Wis 8,000 Menomonee, Wia.... 10,000 Ahnepee, Wis 10,000 Two ltivers, Wis 16,000 St. Anthony's Tails, Minn 126,000 Minnesota river, Minn i.*.-, 10,000 Toledo, O 76,000 Sandusky, O 80,000 Vermillion, O 6,000 Cleveland breakwater, O, 75,000 Chicago, III 6,000 Dee Moines rapids ......... 275,000 Black Lake, Mich.........15,000 Saugatuck, Mich ...i....: 8,000 St. Joseph, Mich . 12,000 Manitowoc, Wis 10,000 Sheboygan, Win 8,000 Port Washington, Wl«.»..r....12,600 Oswego, N. Y 75,000 Michigan City, Ind..... ................... 60,000 8t. Louis, Mo... 60,000 South Haven, Mich 10.000 St. Mary's river and 8t. Mary's fall canal... 200,000 Cheboygan, Mich, (in the straits) 10,000 Au Sable river, Mich <.*.«4.-..... 2,500 Saginaw river, Mich.... 11,000 Milwaukee, WiB 26,000 Kenosha,, Wis | 9,000 Mississippi river (above falls) 20,000 Monroe, Mich 7 000 Charlevoix, Mich A..„ 10,000 Thunder Bay, Mich 15,000 McCargoe's Core, Mich 16,000 Ashtabula, O 10,000 Port Clinton, O 6,000 Fairport, O... 8,W0 Fox and Wisoonsln rivers 190,000 Erie, Pa 40,000 Harbor of refuge (Lake Huron), Mich 100,000 Wabash river, Ind 75 000 Calumet, 111 2S,000 Illinois river,ni 40!000 Rod River of the North 10,000 Upper Mississippi rirer 20,000 Rock Island rapids.,... 20,000 Mississippi, Missouri, and Arkansas rivers.! 125,000 Mississippi river (between un«nia and Ohio rivers) Ohio river I..""**" Examination, surreys, etc 1 .*.!!.*!! Mississippi jetties ..Ill" Racine, Wis ...... Mississippi river (mouth).... *>t" 200,000 276,000 60.000 15,000 9.00D 100,000 The Great English Landowners. Compiled from lists taken from the new Domesday Book just issued in England the following roll of the great landholders of England and Wales who derive from lands alone in these coun­ tries incomes of more than £80,000 ster­ ling a year. It should be understood that this roll in many cases gives no ac­ curate account of the total incomes of the persons mentioned in it, since it in no case includes incomes derived from any other source than lands in England and Wales, excluding London. The Duke of Sutherland, for example, has an in­ come roughly estimated at £200,000 from his property in London, Scotland and Ireland over and above the £72,728 derived from his English estates. The Dukes of Porland and Bedford have at least an equal income from their London property ; and the Duke of Westmin­ ster, whose income from his London property is estimated at £400,000, does not appear at all in the front rank of rural English proprietors. The Marquis of Bute has a very large Scottish income which does not appear in this roll, and many of the wealthiest proprietors of Great Britain, titled andjuntitled, do not figure in it at all. But taken as it stands, it furnishes a very striking picture of the immense development of the terri­ torial wealth of England sinee the repeal of the corn laws : DUK1S. "Norfolk £264,564 Northumberland....i.-rvr...'.. 17({ 044 Bedford 140*547 Devonshire 140,403 Cleveland 91,785 Newcastle 79,217 Rutland 73,990 Sutherland 72 728 Portland 68,935 MABQUieoes. Bute 185,710 Angleaea 107,361 163,326 120,851 89,219 88,076 72,223 71,672 ftD.960 63,306 68,217 62,284 122,628 118,418 57,271 61,789 176,609 109,275 96,269 70,586 Derby.......,,. Dudley Fitz William....... Brownlotr Yaiborough ... Durham XiOiisdala Powis Rtamford and Warrington Shrewsbury and Talbot BAJtONB. Calthorpe Tredegar. Leconfleld. ... Overs tone suoxm. Sir John Ramsden Sir Lawrence Palk.....k Sir J. St. Aubyn.. tnrarrunt Hon. Mark Rolle Care for Hydrophobia. Chinese physicians treat hydrophobic in a highly original manner. Two sandstone bottles half filled with wine or spirits are placed npon a fire tintil the liquid boils. The contente are then emptied and the red hot mouth of the bottle is applied to the bite and held there until it is tilled with Wood, when the same course is pursued with the other bottle. A decoction of rice, in which cantharides have been boiled for an hour and then removed, is also given the patient, who is required to keep perfectly quiet for eight or ten days. Life In Sponge. Becent investigations have shown ihfa enrious fact about sponges: that no matter how long it may have been used kept dry, its life is apparently restored when it is wet. The sponge being -wet with warm water and placed in a warm room, the extremities of the sponge, af­ ter a little while, appear to be alive, and reach out like so many snakes--the longer they are the greater the motion. Nearly half of all the slender points seem to oome to life, but after they become dry the motion ceases. All sorts of dust may be put upon the sponge, so that they should be under the same circum­ stances as the pores of the sponge* but nothing but the pores show any motion. These moving parts, when caught with pliers, would pull out a portion of the sponge. When there is much water in the sponge they seem satisfied; but it is as the sponge is drying gradually that evidences of life are exhibited--this fact being discovered with an instru­ ment which magniflea only forty-two diameters. ments at present being made in training and educating them continue successful, it is hoped by next summer to establish a daily miniature ocean mail between America and Europe, the whole dis­ tance to be traversed between sunrise in one hacoisphere and sunset in the otfier. MOUNK, 111., is pleased "the Lowell of the West.* to call itself Dispatches in the Air. An ocean homing bird of great docil- 'ity, intelligence and spirit, has been found in Iceland, which flies at a speed of 150 miles an hour, and is able to find its home over sea and land from any part of the habitable world. A pair of these birds, a few days ago, brought dispatches from Paris to a lonely spot in a wild and rocky part of Kent, within ten miles of London, in one and a half hours. Press carrier-pigeons took the dispatches on to the city, the whole dis­ tance from Paris to London, by actual I parcel mode of conveyance, being done i in one and a half hours. If the experi­ ̂ Centennial Items. UNITED STATES troops are to guard the Government building. COL. SANFOKD, the Tingliab Commis­ sioner, predicts a grand success for the National Exhibition. ^ THERE are a great many applicants for positions on the police foroe. Many are called, but few are chosen. PEQMEJTADE concerts will be given every morning and afternoon, and, ac­ cording to the song, everybody will be expected to feel "awfully jolly" when the band begins to play. ORANGE and lemon trees in full bloom will be seen in Horticultural hall, like­ wise coCoanut trees and those upon which bananas grow. No plucking or sampling will be permitted. ALL sorts of curious things will be ex­ hibited in the Women's pavilion. Al­ though there will be no special depart­ ment to spinsters, their handiwork will be given conspicuous position where it can be admired. A FAC-SIMILE of the Strasbourg clook will be exhibited. It was made in Brus­ sels, and is said' to be complete in every particular. One of the English Commis­ sioners has offered $5,000 for it. lie is on time. AN American soda-water fountain wiM be ten feet wide and twenty feet high, built of the finest marble, and mounted with silver in great elaboration. There will be a dozen or more bright colored hair oils for syrups! WOBTH, who makes tbe woman and not the man in Paris, has graciously con­ sented to oome, and to many people he will be one of the greatest curiosities. He will bring his wife, and she will wear her best domes. THE display of fireworks arranged for the Fourth of July will probably illum­ inate the whole State of Pennsylvania and a portion of New Jersey. It is like­ ly to rain hard July 4, 1876, according to the almanac. If so the fireworks will be given in-doors. PABXS in miniature will be shown. The work covers a platform forty feet square, and every important building, bridge and monument in the French capital is seen. Those who can't afford to go to Europe ought to see this fac simile of one of the most attractive cities in the world. A Trying Scene. The New Castle people some time ago got a new steam fire engine, the first they ever had, and of course the entire population of the village turned out to witness the trial of the machine. Mr. Bob Parker secured the post of honor as holder of the service-pipe, and he was mighty proud of it. The engine was down at the wharf getting ready to pump water from the river, and Parker stood almost 400 yards off, at the end of a line of hose, waiting for the stream to come, so that he could squirt it»over the court­ house. steeple. There was a great deal of dulay while the men were fixing the engine, and Parker incautiously held the muzzle of the pipe toward his waistcoat while he discussed the question of a third term for Grant with Kev. Dr. Hop­ kins. At the most interesting moment of the debate the engine suddenly began to work, and the next instant a two-inch stream struck Parker in the stomach with terrific force and rolled him over in the gutter. He felt as if the gulf stream had beep shot through him from front to back.^ Then the pipe gave a couple of eccentric jerks, smashed Dr. Hopkins' hat into black silk chaos, and emptied a hogshead of water into his open mouth. It concluded the exercises by getting into such a position that it could play 1,000,000 gallons a minute up the left trowsers leg of the prostrate Mr. Parker. Parker seemed to lose all interest in the capacity of that engine. He went home for his Sunday clothes, and ho has since intimated to his confi­ dential Mends that if Grant should spend the whole of his third term squirt­ ing a swoam 50,000 loot high with that diabolical fire-eztingnisLei-, he, Paiker, would not go round the corner to witness the spectacle.--Philadelphia Bulletin. Lamentable Carelessness. The Des Moines (Iowa) Register says: "Yesterday morning two women in the west part of town gave birth to children in the same room, and at the same time. The circumstances transpired sooner than had been expected, and as a con­ sequence preparations for the new ar­ rivals had not been made. Intelligence of the event was conveyed to a neigh­ boring house, and a woman living there hastened to them in order to render nec­ essary aid. She cared for the little strangers, bathed and clothed them, and in due season started to present them to their waiting mammas. Then she the startling discovery that she had succeeded in inextricably mixing the infants so that she was unable to de­ cide which was the msther of either. The case was anxiously considered by all parties, but no decision could be reached, and finally the two mothers cast lots for choice, agreeing that if the children should, when grown, develop family traits sufficiently to identify them they should be exchanged if the present selection should prove to be in­ correct." Counterfeit Nickles. The smallest and meanest of all coun­ terfeits is now circulating in gxeat num­ bers throughout the country. It is a counterfeit five-cent piece, and it is worthless only because the counterfeit, although it is identical in weight and fineness with the genuine coin, and worth just as much, is not made at the Gov­ ernment mint Some of the counterfeits were recently sent to the Superintendent of the Mint in Philadelphia by the Treasurer, for the purpose of making in­ quiries, and to test their value. The Superintedent says the counterfeits have been assayed and found to contain cop­ per and nickel in the legal proportion; that the coins are of proper weight, size and finish, and just as valuble as the good coin. The only way to detect the spurious is by the imperfect impression of the legend, "In God we trust." SHE SEAMSTRESS* STOKY. . •. ̂ . , , Idly she eat in her rocking chair, A woman of forty, pale and plain, • ' ;•* Thera were streaks of gray in her scant, lifjht hgfo- On ber brow deep furrows of care and pain. ^ Needle and thread from her hands had dropped? The hands that nervously clasped and dung. • . As.with voice that faltered and often stopped v She spoke of the days when she was young. " Yes, It's twenty years since I saw htm last*- ^ Twenty years since we said '«ood-bv» ' I've heard folna say time goes so fast-- " They couldn't have known such years as I. " Twenty yesrs! I remember yet Just how he spoke and looked and stood When he said,4 Now, Mary, you mustn't forget f AU you have promised '--as if I could I " 4 There'll be many to tempt you away from me. Never heed them, whatever they say • W ait for me, Mary, wait patiently. And think of me always, by might- If day. " 4 Never mind if the years are long, I shall write when I've time to spend; I shall be true, and you must be strong, ' • " And look to the end, Mary, look to the end! 44 4 One thing more, Mary, give it duo heed, ' Bear your joys and your sorrows alonet ' Then when I come I shall feel indeed You have been always and truly my oMK' - 44 So he left me--twas hard to bear « f My lonely life with never a friend, > - But he wrote, as he said, when he'd time to spaa And X treasured his words and looked to the 441 thought of him always, by night or by day. Jufct as he bade me--his will was my law; And I asked no help on my weary way, though often my heart was sad and sow. 44 Waiting thus for the years to pass I never counted them as they rolled; Perhaps if I'd cared to look in the glass / I might have seen I was growing old. 44 And so, when fifteen years had gone, He sent for ray picture from over the aa*; Ah! when I sent it, I might have known. If IW been wise, what the end .would to. 4|By the very next mail a letter came--J Not his--he couldn't be so unkind, But his sister wrote and he stoned his name, To tell me that lJohn had changed his trnfrndP 44' You see.' she said, 4 you are old and plain, Too old for John's wife, to tell the truth'-- I laid down the letter and cried with pain. For hadnt I given him all my youth ? 44 Well, there was nothing to do or to say; John had a right to change his mind; I just went on in the same old way, Only--I left my hopeB behind. 44 There were some that tried to comfort ate then. Saying,4 Best be rid of a fickle heart,' -- And 'John was no better than other men,' But that never Beemed to ease the smart." So che ended her simple tale, Twke an old, old story, told oft befor% For one heart will trust and one will fail Until time and change shall be no mora. Pith And Point. To do so no more is the truest inde­ pendence. THE first science a driver teaches his mules is gee-ology. SCRUB races generally soour the track for the sweepstakes. « THE man who had a project on foot went to a corn-doctor. IF men would set good examples, they might hatch better habits. You should nbr stone your neighbor, but you may rock his baby. DBIEX* apples are becoming a fashion­ able dessert for swell parties. ,44 The horse bit his master; How came it to pass ? He heard the good pastor Sa^, ' All flesh is grass.'" A PHYSICIAN boasted at dinner that he cured his own hams, when one of his guests remarked: "Doctor, I'd sooner be your ham than your patient." A IIADY of rank complaining that her husband was dead to fashionable amuse­ ments, he replied: 4' But then, my dear, you make me alive to the expense." SCHOOIIMISTBESS--"Johnny, I'm ashamed of you! When I was your age I could read as well as I can now." Johnny--"Aw, but you'd a different teacher to what we've got." A MAN who contracted a debt of $1,143 promised to pay it jn two installments. Last week he forwarded $11, and prom­ ised to send the other $43 as soon as the times get better.--Norristown Herald. "AH, my good fellow, where have you been for a week back?" "For a weak back ! I have not been troubled with a weak back, I thank you." "No, no ; where have you been long back ?" " Long back! Don't you call me long back, you inquisitive fellow." HUGO ARNOT, while one day panting with asthma, was almost deafened by the noise of a brawling fellow who was sell­ ing oysters below his window. " The extravagant rascal!" said Hugo, " he has Wiiited as much LxCith ! a& 'would liave served me a month." 'XiiAT jrascuiiy ;,oouip. wiiO i»ul>uUtu- tcd Eve for oeru in a description of a lady's dress at a recaption in Washing­ ton, making it read " Miss Blank wore a dress of Eve silk," had evidently been reading Hans Breitman's poem of " the maiden mit nodings on." A THREADBARE tatterdemalion applied at a low inn in Paris for a night's lodg­ ing. When asked to register his name h e w r o t e , " T h e K i n g o f S p a i n . T h e police were at once notified, and when they came they asked him: "Do you Jretend to be King of Spain ?" " Not "Why, then, do you so register your name ? " Because 1 wish to travel incognito." JOHN HOGWASH, of Iowa, has run for office sixteen times, and has been beaten every time, but he says he won't change his name for any office in the world.-- Detroit Free Press. Well, let John keep it, if it's his-will.--[Philadelphia Bulletin. Yes ; swine not ?--[Norris­ town Herald. Now, that one's real sty­ lish; worthy of the Norristown pen-man. --[<$<. Louis Olobe-Democrat. AM ingenious bummer has invented a new way of getting his liquor. He puts two pint bottles in his coat pocket, one full of water, the other empty. Then he goes into a saloon and asks for a pint of gin, handing out the empty bottle. When he gets the gin he puts the bottle in his pocket, and cells the barkeeper to "Hang it up." Barkeeper naturally objects, and demands the cash or the gin. Bum­ mer reluctantly hands him the bottle of water, and goes out muttering about " some folks being so oonfounded per- tickeler. JIM CROW, an old man, and Turk Tur­ ner, were found kiHed by gunshot wounds, the other day in Lee county, Texas. Turner was covered by#a fresh beef hide. Two Leeves had been killed; part of the carcass of each was found in a wagon in which Grow and Turner were supposed to be Tiding at the tin?e of the tragedy. THK American Express Company talks of arming all its employes with pistols, which they will wear in plain sight, because the Law forbids the carry­ ing of concealed weapons.