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IVff JERRY COUNTED TUKKKYS. Twin the Bight twfor* Chrktmaa, when *11 through the room. From ' if floor to the ceiling, wore shadows and «ioom, la «twig little houae near to good Boston town, Joet cto«e to where Maiden road winds its way down. Jerry'" wile was at work, waiting Jerry's return From his trip to the town, whence the news she conlrt learn; For Jerry .had gone, as his wont at such times. To raffl" for poultry and hazard his dimes. Int laif and twas cold--Jerry's wife was pro- Yoked, And all her forgiveness for sprees she revoked-- Bxcepting, indeed, had he happened to win A nnc iot of turkey* and brought them all ifi, fide h-Ml stuffed both the stockings, hung slyly with i-arc-- „ For Jerry'* two bovs looked for Santo Clati® tbere-- Which said boys, being twins, were ail snug in their •ed«, Both i*own with 'he measles, with pains in their heads. There she sat in her jrown, with a bowl in her lap, And yr«parinp the gruel for each sick litt'e chap, By a vcrv dim light--for the candles w.re froze, And one of them sputtering up to its nose. Twas a true Eastern winter, when ponds are all still', And Brighten rosd lonely and Maiden road chili, A poor draught np the chimney, the fire burning blue, Using plenty of ooal and poor heat giving, too, On this very cold night, when the winds were at war And tmnw-fiakes were drifting from dull Clouds afar. She had just then concluded to hazard a nap, And was just cross enough to give some one a rap, When a rap at the door, and a foot-stamping clatter, Called her down to the gate to see what was the matter. Away from the kitchcn she flew like a flash. With the pruel put by with an ill-natured dash. When what to her half-sleepy eyes should appear, But a man on the step, with a stutter and leer. She shielded her lamp from the soft flakes of snow, And, casting her eyes on the object below, Founu a sinart little man, without satchel or trunk. Whom she recognized soon as her Jerry--home drunk. He was covered with snow from his head to his foot. And his pants were tucked clumsily into each boot, And the briar-wood pipe that he held in Ms teeth Was turned upside down, with the ashes beneath. A blue-looking bird on his shoulder was hrng, While a bundle of evergreens next it was slung; For Jerry, thougn "full," was decidedly merry, With his face like a full moon, his noee like a berry. Bk queer little ssouth was drawn sp Uke a bow. Aa her Jerry proceeded his trophies to show. And the boy took the hone, which stood still at the door, * As often the sleepy lad had done before, "My darling,r said Jerry, "you see. I've come homo-- You wanted * Christmas, and I've brought you some-- I'd jolly good tack, and like all loving men, Instead of one turkey, my dear, I've brought ten." ••Ten turkeys, you brute--ten drinks you must mean-- You've only won one, as is plain to be seen; You're drunk as a fool--you're as full as a tick, Leaving me all alone, with botli the boys sick." How Jerry was joily, but dreading a squall, Stopped to argue, the point with his wife tn the hall: "My love," stuttered he, "you are such a good nurse, That, if 1 had the measles, I'd never grow worse, When yoTi made the gruel, and watched me by night, So I know that the darlings up-stairs were all right. You've BO often told me of a Christian's true mis­ sion To do things in charity, andJLearn true submission. That I know you are right-- I am drunk--that's no fun; But I've turkeys enough to give all the folks one. ThereV old Mrs. Jones, and there's little Nan Brown-- Just make them beth liappy by sending one down. You can hang np the rest; so forgive me, my dear, When you see all the turkey's I've bronght you this year." The good woman gave in--brushed the snow from his coat. And loosened the 'kerchief that circled his throat. As for Jerry, not rife to be caught unawares, He laughed to himself, and then staggered up­ stairs- Gave a look at the boys, and then tumbled in bed, With his boots on his feet and his cap on his head. Mrs. Jerry then searched la the alt-igii, all about-- But nothing like turkeys or ducks Phc found out. And her t>oaom with virtuous anger then throbbed, When she saw that her good-natured man had been robbed. Up-stairs in a twinkling her nimble feet flew, And her look, like the one bird, was verging on blue. "Jerry, Jerry, wake up--you've been robbed on the way! There's not even a tail-feather left in the sleigh! Where can you have stopped, and with tchdrn have you been ? You're the drunkest and stupidest fool to be seer!" Jerry's look was a study--with air moat perplexed-- Which angered his wife, who was fearfully "veied." He sat up in the bed, and with stutter and wink, Deemed to settle has brain to composedly think. " My dear, dont you soold, and 111 prove to you now, Where the turkeys have gone, and 111 just tell jou how." 44 You lost them, you fool! You're a shame and a sin-- You've been drinking all day, down at Harry Smith's inn." " No, Mary, my darling, I fell down in the snow, While waiting for Thomas--he drove very slow. *y dear, when I fell, the turkey fell, too, So I picked myself up, and kept staggering thro'. I fell down just nine times, and each time I was down I picked up a turkey--my dear don't you frown-- You see. M*n, love, that my count is right, then-- For the one that yon have --and the others make ten." Twas no use to quarrel. Mrs. Jerry was floored. --Jerry turned on his side, gave a grunt, and then snored. THE BELL SPRITE. "How the bells did ring I One would have supposed they had a fit or had gone mad, if everybody hadn't known what they were making such a noise about. First one, then the other, and then nil together; and not in one chrirch, but in all the churches, for it . was Christmas day morning. But when the chimes began it was lovelier and brighter and more merry than ever ; lit­ tle May Nelson thought so, as a sweet, old-fashioned hymn came floating out in the clear, still air from the belfry of the church in the next street. She was lying on a bed in such a poor, little room. There were only two really bright things in it--the sunshine on the floor, i and her own sweet, bright, little face. "I'm so glad the sun is shining,"she said. " I don't feel half so lonely when you're gone if the sun shines, njotlier." Mrs. Nelson was putting on a bonnet and shawl as May spoke, and she turned round, showing a kind, pleasant face, but one that looked tired and thint and said, as she went to the side of the bed and leaned over to kiss her: | "I'm glad*it shines, too, darling; and I wish I could make this a real shiny Christinas for you all day long." " Why, so you have, mother," said Mays putting two little, thin a-ms round her neck. "It's a lovely Christmas, I'm sure ; so much jollier f.Vmn it was last year, 'cause I can sit up while you're gene. And then, I've got so much this year--grapes and oranges and two books. There's just two things I want, mother." tf What, dear? Hurry, I'm Jate now to do Mrs. Johnson's hair, I'm afraid." " You to stay home all day; an' some­ thing live to stay home when you can't" " What would become of all the heads [ if I should stay home? And where 1 would the bread and baiter oome from? But perhaps I can get a kitten for you somewhere." " Oh I splendid !" And May almost jumped. But she didn't, because she wouldn't--she had some trouble with the spine. So her mother kissed her, and went out to her long day's work of hair- dressing at ever so many houses, and May was all alone. She lay quite still for a little while, listening to the bells that were still chiming. And, when they Mopped, she thought how nice it was to have two new books, and such a nice, warm room to be in; and not to be like some poor little newsboys she had been reading about, who had to sleep in areas or any old box they oould find. Pres­ ently, a voice right in her ear said: "Isn't it jolly, though?" She turned her head, and there* sitting on her pil­ low, was the oddest little man, jost about as long as my hand, dressed in a suit of gray, with slashed sleeves, where blue showed through, and a little gold- colored cap on his head. There he sat, as quiet- >»• > < -old be, and with such a merry, kind faoe--son. of old, and yet it wasn't, either. " How do you do ?" he said, as May looked round. " Who in the world toe you ?" die said. " You can't be Santa Glaus. You ain't big enough." "Not a bit of it," laughed the elf. "I'm the Bell Sprite. I come, I go here, there, everywhere. Nobody sees me or hears me; they only feel me. I get into people's hearts, whether they will or no. Sometimes it's hard dig­ ging; but I do get in, if I keep at it long enough. But I love the hearts best that are wide open for me, like yours-- pleasant kind of hearts that see things right. Dear! dear ! I've had a dreadful time in the next street digging into some children's hearts who squabbled in a shocking way over their presents. I declare I'm tired out!" And he put on a comical look of despair. " Why, how do you get round ?" said May. " I go anywhere where the sound of any bell goes; no matter where. Oh! I've seen lots of things in my time." " Oh ! do tell me about 'em. " " Ho I ho !" laughed the elf. " Why, I never could get through. I've lived always--long before there were any bells. But stay !" and he put his finger to his forehead, and then nodded his head in a knowing way. s" I'll tell you one story-- one I'm fond of myself." " Oh! do," said May, settling herself inbed. "Let me see," said the Bell Sprite, " this is what they call Centennial year. What a fuss the people do make about it, to be sure! A century! Why, it's nothing. I'll go further back than that for you, and tell you of a Christmas day, more than 200 years ago. It was down near the sea, in what is now Maine. But the only name the place that I'm going to tell you about had then was * The Garrison House.' There ruled at that time in England the Puritan, Oliver Cromwell, who thought he was doing the very best thing for his country when he cut off the head of the King, Charles I.; and then he exiled a great many friends of the dead King, who were called cavaliers. One colony landed at Boston. But there were so many Puri­ tans there that they were afraid to stay there; and so they went further east­ ward along the coast to the Spanish colony. And there they were afraid to keep them, because they did not dare to displease Cromwell; so the poor people had to go still further into the wilder­ ness. "Fortunately, it was spring, and growing warmer every day, and at last they made a stop at the top of a high hill, and decided to build a house. These men were not used to working and cutting down trees, and their wives did not know how to cook their food at first, and, in the learning, they wasted a great deal of precious food, because it often wasn't fit to eat and had to be thrown away. So the supplies began to get low before the house was finished. They cut down the largest trees they could find, and squared them off, and then laid them one upon another, with joints into each other at the corners. That we call dove-tailing. And they built the upper story of the house to project over the lower part. In the floor they made holes to put the barrels of muskets through, so they could shoot Indians or wild animals, if they came dose to the house. For the country was full of Indians then, and they hated the white people, who came and took their land, and never asked them wheth­ er they were willing or not. And so they burned the houses and killed the white men and their wives and little children whenever they found the chance to do so. And when the house was built, the men drove trees into the ground closely together around it, to make a stockade. And by that time winter had come, and the different fam­ ilies, who had been living in little huts made of birch-bark during the warm weather, were all very glad to go into it to live, and to have a real roof over their heads once more. " There were only cwo children in the house--Eleanor and Roland Plaisted. They were 8 and 10 years old. Roland was the eldest, and took great care of his little sister. In the summer they hadn't minded much being in a strange, wild country ; for they had played in the forest, all day long, when the men had been cutting the. trees, or they had made ships of sheets of birch-bark, and put on acorns for passengers, and sent them sailing down the little river. Sometimes they kept right side up till they were out of sight, and sometimes they tipped over right away. But it was all great fun until winter came ; and then, when they were shut up in the little rooms, they didn't like it at all. The rooms were so low that their father oould only jnst stand up in them, and then his head nearly touched the ceiling; and when he went through the door­ ways he had to bend way, way down, for fear of hitting his head. The children longed for the great hall at Plaisted Grange, that had been such a fine place to play in ; and for the fire-place, with a settle on each side, where they had sat on winter evenings with old Ralph, the gamekeeper. They had a fire, of course, because there was such a lot of wood to bum ; but the fireplace was a> little one, and the rooms were very small and very full of people. And there was no hall at a1!; for the space at the head and foot of the stairs was not nearly so large as the landing by the window on the staircase at home. They were pinched and cold, too, for their clothes had not been made to wear in such a cold climate, and, besides, they were nearly worn out. Roland's line black-velvet suit was torn and dirty, and nearly all the nap was worn off the vel­ vet ; and Eleanor's pretty, quilted satin petticoat was frayed and torn, too, and her bodice was sadly soiled, which dis­ tressed her very much, for she was a neat little girl. Their shoes had been gone long before, and their was not kept in the beautiful, long curls that it had been in England. It was matted and tangled--Roland's as well as his sis­ ter's ; and his mamma would not cut it off, Iwcause she said he would look like a ' Roundhead' then. So it came to be the day before Christmas ; and it was very, very cold and gloomy, and the snow lay very deep about the house. The women were all busy with the loom in one of the chambers, trying to weave some cloth, to make some clothes for themselves and for their husbands and children. The men nut huddled KIOOXUX- ly over the iire, and talked in a dreary way of their sad condition ; for their stock of food was almost gone, and the snow was so deep that they were afraid to try to get to the Spanish colony for help. And they were afraid of the In­ dians besides. As they talked, one of the men said : " 'This is the day before Christmas. I had well nigh forgotten it.' " 'Ay, so had we all, Squire,' said an­ other. And then, as he took Eleanor on his knee, he said: ' There can be no holidays, this year--no maskers and no yule log, not even a Christmas carol from the waits, my little lassie. There is no Christmas here.' " • J know that,' said Eleanor.. ' But mamma told me we could keep Christ­ mas in our hearts; for .Jesus was born to help everybody to be good, even in a cold land like this, even if we could not be merry.' "'Bless thy sweet heart!' said the man, 4and thy mother, too; for,' he added, turning to the men, • sweet Mis­ tress Plaisted has a brave heart under her bodice, and it ill becomes us to sit crooning over the fire like old beldames when her gentle hands hold the tough flax for us, and she alone of us all re­ members the Christmas-tide in the spir­ it of it. Whu will come with me to try for a shot at the birds we saw but now flying just without the stockade ?' " So the children were left alone; and they sat down by the hearth, made of square, red tiles, and huddled as dose to the fire as they could. ' What makes everybody so cross, to-day, Roi­ ly ?' said Eleanor, spreading her hands over the fire. ' Nobody is pleasant now, as they used to be in the summer­ time in the wood.' " 'It isn't cross, dear Nelly,' said her brother. ' But don't you know they are all frightened, lest we would starve? The grain is almost gone, and we have no more to make bread.' " ' Gene! Roily, there was so much of it, too!' "'Yes, I know. But Clifford said some strange animal must have bur rowed up and carried it off; for there is a hole in the ground in the cellar.' " ' Oh ! what shall we do ? It will be dreadful to starve'--and Nelly began to cry softly--'and to stitrve on Christmas day, of all the days!' " ' Oh 1 we shall not starve to-morrow, only the meat is all gone. I heard them whispering about it to-day ; and mamma does not know that, and you must not tell, Nelly.' "Eleanor looked into the fire for a few minutes, and then said : 'And can we do nothing to help, brother ?' " ' I don't know, Im sure. } wish we could cheer them up.' " ' We might eat only a very, very little.' "'That would only make them all sorry.' ~ " ' Oh!' said Roland, ' it makes me sorry, too, when I think of the good times we had at home, two years ago, and to think there will be no joy bel#L to-morrow. That makes mamma sad, I know.' " And then Roland began to tell his sister about the times they had at home, for she had been so very little when they had last kept the holidays that she oouldn't remember anything about it, for that had been two years before. The last Christmas in England, they had been hiding away in the house of a Puri­ tan friend from the soldiers. And i-toland told his sister how the bells rang in the morning, and the village ohildren sang a carol under the windows, and of how mother had loved to hear it. "Suddenly Eleanor jumped and clappcd her hands. ' Why can't we sing a carol out by the stairs in the morning?' " ' So we can, if you know oiae,' said Roland. " ' I do know part of one, and you can tell me the rest; and then we can sing it, to-morrow morning, while it is yet quite dark.' "' I never thought of that,' said Nel­ ly, 'Oh! wait, though. I have some­ thing that will do. See !' And she opened a tiny, little cupboard and took out a little triangle. " ' Why !' said Roland. 'Where did it come from ? It's the one I had from the maskers, so long ago.' " ' Mamma found it at the bottom of the old cheBt, yesterday; and I was go­ ing to give it to you, to-morrow.' '"It will do nicely,'said Roland, and he struck it. ' Ting, tang, tong ' rang out; and the children smothered it in Nelly's petticoat for fear the sound should betray their Becret. But I heard it, and was there in a second. It sounded like a bell; and wlien I got there and found it a mistake I stayed, because I knew they meant it for a bell. Oh ! how blue and cold those dear chil­ dren were! It makes me shiver when I think of it. " 'Squire Plaisted and his wife talked along time, that night, and Roland heard his father say that somebody must have courage on the morrow to try to reach the Spanish colony and get help from them, or they should surely starve. ' But,' he said, ' the men are all afraid of getting lost in the forest and perish­ ing in the snow, and I must go myself. If we could but shoot some game, it would be a blessing; for the meatwe had is spoiled, you know.' "'Yes,' said his wife, 'I know it. But do not despair. The morrow is Christmas day, and it may bring us good cheer.' "Scarcely the faintest streak of dawn was in the sky when the two ohildren crept out on to the landing in the stair­ case ; and presently all the people in the house thought they were dreaming of home and the Christmas carol. But it wasn't a dream, for the little triangle, under Roland's vigorous strokes, pealed away as hard as ever it could, and two sweet little voices sang, in the darkness and the cold in the solitary house in the wilderness, the sweet old carol: " ' God rest you merry gentlemen; Jjet nothing you dismay. For Jesus Christ our Savior Was boru upon this day, To save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray. Oh. tidings of coirfort and Joy, •*feaoa Christ our Savior We* born on Christ mas day.' ** Everybody in the house listened, and t<'firs stood in some eyes as the chil­ dren sang all the sweet verses that they had heard often before at home. And when they stopped, a voice down-stairs cried : ' A merry Christmas, brave little ones. Nothing shall dismay us, and I, for one, will start for the Spanish col­ ony as soon as it is light!' ' And I!' * And I!' flame from other rooms. And soj helped by the little children, they started off. " Three of the men stayed, and all the women; and when they were gone those that were left felt very sad, because it was a hard journey through the snow and the wild forest. In the middle of the day the children were playing to­ gether in the room up-stairs, where the muskets were kept in a rack: and pres­ ently Roland heard a strange rubbing and sniffing at the side of the house un­ der them. He looked out of the window, and saw that the gate of the stockade was open, and that there were tracks in the snow that he knew very welL It wasn't Indians; but it was a big, black bear. Roland knew if he could or ly kill that bear they would have meat for sopie time ; and he determined to try to kill it himself, because he was afraid if he ran to call one of the men that the bear wohld go away. He didn't dare to fire without tolling Eleanor what it was, for she was in constant terror of Indians ; so he whispered to her softly th«t he was going to try to shoot a bear, and then he very softly pulled a plug out of one of the holes in the floor, and, look­ ing through, saw the bear just under­ neath. Very quickly and very softly he took a gun from the rack, where they always stood loaded, aad put it carefully into the hole; but, in spite of all his care, he made a little noise, and Master Brain looked up just as Roland pulled the trigger. As it happened, nearly the whole charge went into his eye, and with one long, horrible howl, the bear dropped dead, and the snow round him was covered with blood. "Such a fright as the garrison had ! The men drew their pistols and ran for their guns, not knowing what had hap­ pened. The women ran to find the children; and there stood Roland, as proud as a king, with such a color in his pale cheeks as hadn't been seen for many a day. How they praised and petted him I oould never tell you, nor of how they enjoyed their famous dinner of bear-steak; for one would have to be as hungry as they were to know how they did enjoy it. Best of all, that very night, the men who had gone to the other colony came back safe and sound, with plenty of provisions for the cold months before them. They had met messengers coming to them on the way, and BO it was a right ' merry Christmas,' after all. Such a capital rug as that bear skin made for the ohildren to lie on by the fire, and it was always called Roland's bear." " There," said the elf, folding his aims and twinkling his bright little eyes, "isn't that a good s|pry?" " Splendid," said May. " How I wish I oould have given 'em some of these oranges, too. I've got such a lot. But what became of 'em ? Did they ever go back to England?" "No, they never did. They grew to love the old Garrison House and to feel that it was home ; and by-and-by others were built, and there was a colony. And both Eleanor and Roland grew up and inirfied and died, leaving ever so many children and grandchildren. And, come to think of it," added the elf, thought­ fully, "it was two of Roland's grand­ children who squabbled so this morn­ ing ; and you, Miss May, are very like your grandmother Eleanor, with ever so many 'greats' before it." ' 'Was she my grandmother ?" said May, opening her eyes very wide. " Your very own. Way back, to be sure ; but still yours," said the elf. "And the old house, did it fall down or burn down ?" " Not a bit of it. There it stands to this very day ; very old and decayed outside, but with the logs almost as sound and true »s when they were laid more than 200 years ago. And you may see for yourself if you ever go to York, in Maine." "But I never shall," said May. "I can't get up." "We'll see," said the elf. And he passed his band to the back of her head, and it felt cold on her neck. He mum­ bled something to himself, gave a funny little sniff, and was gone, crying: "Good- by, till next year." But as He stood for a minute, looking in her face, hair began to grow on it, and he grew bigger and bigger, and his eyes grew bigger, too, and his mouth disappeared, and his nose grew out to be--that of the most cunning Scotch terrier that was ever born. May gazed at him, rubbed her eyes, said, "Oh! thank you, sir!" and opened them wide, to see her mother standing beside her, laughing. " Oh! how you jumped when he put his cold nose on your neck. See what a present you have to-day. John, the stableman sent it to yon." "Oh! dear doggie," said May. "But it < was the Bell Sprite, mother. And why are you home now ?" " Mrs. Johnson didn't*need me, after all- So here we are, to eat our Christ­ mas dinner together." " And a fairy came and told me a love­ ly story, mother," said May. " Did it! Tell it to me, after dinner." jNow, that was a kind of mother worth having. She never made fun of fairies. It's really astonishing how much some people don't know, and how they don't believe in fairies or elves. If they did believe in them, the fairies would tell them stories, too. And they never will ufitil they do. THE .London Economist notices as a remarkable fact that the American Gov­ ernment has, dircctly or indirectly, bought £200,000 of silver in the London market for the purpose of coining, and shows that the export of silver from the United States to England has steadily decreased since 1874. SINGS LIKE A BIRD.--The delightful effects of this new piinciple, Dr. J. H. Mo- Lean'n Cough and Lung Healing Globules. As the saliva in the mouth acts on the Olobule a g'&a it* generated which soothes and heals irri­ tation of the throat and lnngn, makes the voice clear m a bird, cures Hoarsened. Congha, Oolds, and €k>u*umpti(tt. Trial Boxes, by sail, 25 ote. Dr. J. H. McLean, 814 Chestnut Bt. Louis. A Novel Flan of Dealing with High­ waymen. The Chicago Tribune of a reoent date says: " Quite a number of people have been stopped recently in well-lighted and well-traveled neighborhoods, and compelled to give up what money and valuables they had, at the solicitation of two or three highwaymen, who pointed pistols at them by way of suggestion. This class of gentry are hard to catch, since they never appear in the same vi­ cinity twice. A novel plasty however, has been devised, which promises to be successful, although it may be attended with the sheading of blood. It has been called 'trolling.' Fifteen or twenty of the best-looking patrolmen are to be dressed like business men, and scattered through the localities where people live who are apt to be attacked for their wealth. They will walk along quietly, assume to be under the influence of liquor if occasion requires it, and wait to be called upon to stand and deliver. They will deliver lead, not lucre, for the orders say 'Shoot if the highwaymen present revolvers.' TO guard against being overpowered, two officers will travel together--not side by side, but one will be. a half-block or a block be­ hind, with overshoes on, so that his foot­ steps cannot be heard. This scheme will undoubtedly work well, and, as not over half a dozen men are doing this Claude Duval business, it cannot be long before they are either in the County Jail or in the Potter's Field. Assistant Superintendent Dixon, who is autho of this plan, is confident of its success, and it is to be hoped that ha will not be dis­ appointed. "The only way to get rid of the foot-pad, who is a meaner thief than a burglar, is to Shoot him on sight. Public sentiment would justify the officers who do it, and a gold-headed cane would perhaps be presented the officer who kills the first one." ' Traveled Far Enough. A good story is told of a tramp who, some months ago, hailed from the North, and ahead of him came the report of his unmitigated cheek in his manner of bumming along the road. On arriving at a station he would call up every lounger land fellow-passenger, and order the drinks or cigars for all hands. After the usual ceremony of mustache-wiping, etc., he would wink at the barkeeper and say, " That's on me." The astonished cocktail-diluter would naturally inquire, " Who in the thunder are you ?" The bummer would lay one hand on his re­ volver and make the rather heavy state­ ment, "My name is Poker Bill. I have traveled all the way from Omaha on this." That was the news the stage- drivers imparted at a place not a great way from Independence, and a few days later along came the irrepressible indi­ vidual from Omaha. The proprietor of the station had been forewarned, but he set up the refreshments, and the same performance above described was en­ acted until " Poker Bill " started to tell how he had traveled all the way from Omaha, when he suddenly found him­ self looking down the muzzle of a huge Colt's pistol in the hands of the bar­ keeper, who quietly informed the bum­ mer that he had traveled far enough. " Poker Bill " did not even demur, but paid his bill like a little man, remarking something about the people being so particular about trifles.--Mayo (Cat.) Independent. Payne's Flame. It is not perhaps generally known, says theSt. Louis Republican, that the author of "Home, Sweet Home," was madly in love with Miss Maria Mayo, of Rich­ mond, Va., afterward Mrs. Gen. Win- field Scott. Miss Mayo was a famous belle, and as remarkable for her wit as for her beauty. Poor Payne was not the only one who had laid his heart at her feet and had to take it up again; but he probably suffered more from his disappointment than the rest of the re­ jected lovers. When all hope of win­ ning the fair prize was abandoned, he went abroad never to return; and there is no doubt that the corroding sorrow hastened him to the grave he found in a foreign land. The tradition in Rich­ mond is that Scott addressed Miss Mayo when he was only a Captain in the army, and received a prompt dismissal. He repeated the experiment when a Major, but with no better success. The third time he proposed he wore the epaulettes of a General, and then was accepted. A friend of the lady asked her why she changed her mind. The reply was, "In my estimation there is a vast difference between Captain or even Major Scott and General Scott" XHK CRITICS. So, child, yon are driving the turkeys hooM, And a chase you've had for 'em, far and Nev« r such creatures as they to roam, Mi If* away o'er the country-side. ; I aay that a turkey la Freedom'a birf. For it certainly likes a free foot but Of a.I the fowls I have ever heard v': -• Any one tell of, Eaat or West. The other day, when I went to mill. . , - , Who bnt the biggest gobbler therf 0 ^ V1* Should meet me, strutting under the hilt. As though he had bidden good-by to care. And set on hla travels to nee (he world. What do yon think of him. Marv Jane A eynioal fellow--hla lip la curled. And he doesn't admire Miraudy'a ' Hell mako a dinner fit for a king; And now that I think of it, Chrifltmaa day. When the church bells rirg and the children «l«y la only a bit of a week away. Lasses, it's strange how the time goes rounl When a man haw turned his tif tieth year. The days have in them a deeper sound -- The festal days, with their tones of ehee* Yoa see, the lads that we used to know Are grown, like us, into gray-haired men, Grizzled and tough who tn and fro Over this queer old world have been. Some that we loved in our early ti»m Are lying still in a narrow bed, And many a winter's frosty rime la over the atones at their feet and head.^ " Bat, father, the turkeys, we came to chooae." You're right, my girl; and there's little MOM That a man like me should the daylight loee In moralizing across a fence. That foremost bird is the bird for me; The next, be goes to the parson's gate; And the rest for the market-day must be Prepared--and I hope they are not too late. And, Molly, you'll look that the children < >11 of them, little and big, to stay, And a dinner of dinners to eat at home, With father and mother on Christmas dajr. And though the weather be foul or fair, 'Pis best to enjoy it all we can ; That'n been the rule of the turkeys ther$, And that, on the whole, is the rule formM. --Harper's Bazar. An Unfortunate Wise Man. * A gentleman made application for a schppl in Maine, and presented himself to the board for examination as to his qualifications. Arithmetical questions were proposed. The teacher stumbled and halted, but finally made out to cipher out the answers. Said the com­ mitteeman : " Can you locate Boston ?" He answered : "I know all about it, probably, just as well as you do; have heard of the place several times, but can't, somehow or other, seem to locate it." With a view to helping him out, the committeeman said : " It is the cap­ ital of some State, is it not?" " Yes; I believe it is." " What State?" "Well, I know, probably, as well as you do, what State Boston is/the capital of, but, you see, I haven't got the flow of lan­ guage to express it."--New English Journal of JJrtvcation. A TOURIST describes the sale of snails in the town of Tivoli, near Rome, as a source of much profit to the peasants of that district in rainy weather, when this curious edible is abundant in the olive groves. The flavor is pronounced de­ licious, more so than scollops or oysters. When artistically cooked, the reluctant foreigner does not long decline this much-despised crustacea. The cooked snail is further said to possess the quality of restoring tone to the coating of the stomach when badly injured by strong drink. CLEANING machinery in motion is described by the inspectors of English factories as " continuing to lead to very numerous and painful mutilations. '•' In the half year ending April 30, 1876, 1 persons were killed in England through factory accidents alone ; 488 amputations were necessary ; there were 260 frac­ tures of limbs or bones, and 2,193 other injuries in factories ; in all, 2,497 males and 769 females. Pith and Point.. A. MOTTO for young lovers--So-fa and no father. LONG-RANGE practioe--Twenty years* experience as a cook. AiiL men are not homeless, bnt some men are home less than others. A itADY writes about the " watery, sober moon." when really the moon is full. SHAKSPEARE spoke of "the sleep of winter." But he didn't take much ac­ count of the snower. "A CAST IBON grandmother" is not a term of reproach, but .only a new ma­ chine for darning stockings. THE agriculturist of the Graphic in­ forms the farming publio that now Is the time to graft whiffletrees. "WHY/' asks an English review, "is the British lion so afraid of having his toes stepped upon ?" Because he once had a unicorn on them. MAMMA--"Annie, how came those ap­ ples to be bitten in this way?" Annie-- " Perhaps, mamma, they have been frost­ bitten ; you know it was so oold last night." LETTING well alone: " Oh, Mary, tl well's got broke, and we can't get water; and oh, hain't it prime? Fat! says as p'raps we shan't 'ave to wash! a foi iuukUt. THE man who manages a hand-cat <pan- not be called a chief engineer,, andjtf yon style him a hand-car chief he minut be confounded with the wipers of Mfe loco­ motives.--Boston Commercial Bmlletin. STABIIE-KEEPER--" By the w»|Ishall I put in an extra buffalo?" j^jpngMah blood--" Couldn't you let nBrave an 'orse, yon know? Er-er rather drive a buffalo first time, you know. "M^hnaha Herald. " I'nii tell you why I'm Russian as I am," says the Czar; " those heathe$*k*. ish Turks keep killing off Christians in cold blood every liey, and by ail the Great Powers at onoe, 1 ask, Ottoman to stand it?" Si 13DENT, to Y. P.--"Professor, I'd like to have a leave of absence. I want to go home to attend the funeral of a cousin." V. P. (reluctantly)--" Well, yon may go, I suppose, but I wish it was a nearer relative." SOMEBODY remarks that young ladies look upon a boy as a nuisance until he is past the age of 16, when he generally doubles up in value each year until, life* a colored meerschaum pipe, he is price­ less.--Buffalo Express. TIM--" An' is it me health ye'd be ask­ ing afther ? Sure, an' it's half dead I am, coming down to work in all thai rain this mornin'." Mike--" Divil a bit did ye, Tim. By the hokey, I oome down in part of it myself." FOUR HUDBED head of cattle, newly slaughtered, were sent to England yes­ terday. They went by steer-age, of oourse.--New York Commercial. En­ tirely wrong. They were hung in the rigging. Entered " Beef-o'er the mast," you know.--Philadelphia Bulletin. IN the hard-drinking days an old Scotch laird and his eldest son were riding home together from a hospitable gathering. Their ride for a while was silent, but at last the son said:" Feyther, 1 wish ye was deid." The old man rather sadly replied: " Well, laddie, I hae aften thought that of my feyther, but I never hae the impudence to say't." THE Boston* Transcript says that not long since Prof. Longfellow had a cali from a couple of Englishman, one of whom, on meeting the poet, remarked i " Aw--you don't--aw--have any ruins-- aw--in your country, and so we have come to see you--aw." Mr. Longfellow quietly replied that he was " Quite a ruin, quite a ruin." THE following is timely, these dark mornings, when late rising and early breakfasts occasion hazardous haste in fire-making: One morning Mlsa Bridget O'Farrel Sphlitted up a petroleum barrel; *' Now," said she, " I'll have a foine fire And surely she did, t For when they found Bid She was baked like a briok, Only dryer. " MAMMA," said a Vicksburg boy, "is the bad man a hog?" "What do you mean, my son?" "I mean Satan. Is he a hog ?" "Well, no; he is generally spoken of as a seroent by Christians, but he is popularly supposed to be with­ out definite form, that is, capable of as­ suming any shape that might suit his purposes. But why do you ask?" " Because when I was down town yes­ terday papa got right red in the face and told another man 'if he didn't whip Tom Trotter the devil's a hog.' " "And didn't he do it?" hi quired the anxious parent, "ftj'm, he didn't, but he tried like blazes, and when they wiped the blood off bis face he gimme a new ball to tell yon he'd fell out of a boggy."