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>*- »A • * " > * ^4«>-- • • • W - s z i t * ? * p ? t * « & & ; * • in kiifel z*w t«n»m rnwiiMng hie ; Ina bimnockIswing. And my though to they think-think •( anything IfU up my pipe, njort then I thlak Of the waste I've made of paper and ink; . :. Yersj* and prose of no earthly use-- " '•>' The scribbling mania's niy only excuse-- Of the number of times 1 have been in tort; Of eiactly how often I've last a glove; . ' 'm Of the people I've met and the people I'T6 OUWed. Of how many girls in ray life I nave Irlnsffd j Of how ma[i v m.>ro I couldn't get; Of how many times I've been in debt. A ad then to light my pipe I pause, And think of ttiiagg with smoking for OlM6< I think of what I've done and seen; ^ Of the mau I would bo and the man I hire D6|B| Of as ai micas man sinking inu> life's shad*. I think of all I have studied and read, And I tbink of a blind man, a cripple In beat I think of an idle and purposeless youth, And I think, u Have I found out the meaning 61 truth ?" How oft I was angry, ill-humored ana swore; Of how many peobfoe are washed on the shorn; Of how many actions I've done that are good; Of how many herrings you'll And in a wood j Of things that here me; of things that I hato; Of an afternoon dance which breaks up at eight; Of how many times I hate wasted iuv cash, And Bpcnt lots of money on nothing but trasn; Of ho w many times I hav# wished you were lttMi Of how many wishes I've wisliod in a year. I was smeklng a pipe, unless I mistake; How lone have I slept and when did I wake? --Lo%dm HocUts. The Commands of the tmpress. A MSorjr of SiiMlaa DH^UM. n IUIT mt nuii. To believe the following story, which is recounted by a French historian, one most remember that the word of a Rus­ sian Emperor or Empress has always beem a very different thing from the word of an English King or Queen ; and that where--as in this case--the British oabinet would decide that her majesty was temporarily insane, the Russian lady would be oonsidered only a little more severe than her predecessors. In the time of Catherine the Second, there dwelt in Russia a gentleman named Sonderland, who, though English by birth, had become a Russian subject, and also a great favorite with the Em­ press. She loaded him with favors ; made him immensely wealthy; gave him a palace to live in, and embraced him publicly. What more oould a sovereign do to •how her affection for a subject ? - Her partiality was so well-known that (he greatest people at Court sought his favor and feared his frown ; but he was a very pleasant and good-hearted per­ son, who thought more of his dress ap­ pearance, and the effect he produced on the fair sex, than anything else ; and it waa rather a benefit to the community than otherwise ttiat he Bhould have the ear of the Empress, He, himself, was perfectly happy, and spent a great deal of his time in writing verses expressive of the charms of the Empress, iier good- Bess, and the amiability of her disposi­ tion. One morning he had just finished a most flattering poem in several cantoes, setting forth the story of her condescen­ sion to a poor old soldier^ to whom Bha had really been kind, and was reading it to a select audi mco, when a servant entering the room, announced to him that the Chief of the Police, whose 2»J2iv ^VUfi UciiGnr, ucoITou to opcuk Witu him, having a message from the Em press. The poet instantly threw down his paper, and, delighted with this proof of confidence on the part of tho sovereign, excused liimself to his friends, and hur­ ried to the room where Reliew was wait­ ing for him. The Chief of Police sat leaning baok in his chair, with a r§ry grave face, and saluted the Englishman as a jailer might salute a prisoner whom he was about to &ad to execution. V What can I do for you, Reliew ?" asked Sonderland, with a condescending twist of his mustache. "I see you are in trouble, and it was well to come to me at once. The Empress was kinder than usual yesterday, and expressed herself more anxious to take my advice than she has ever done oefore; so have no fears. I esteem you, Reliew. I consider you my best friend." "Ah!" said the Chief of Police, doubt­ fully. "And I am very sure I have a true friendship for you; but I regret to say I have terrible news for you. You have utterly lost the favor which has been yours so long. Indeed, though I may not question the royal mandate, I suffer terribly in bringing you the news. See how pale I am. Look how I tremble. Oh, how can 1 tell you ?" "But how have I offended?'. Sonderland. "Assuredly you/iare mis­ taken. The Empress kissed me on my forehead last evening before the whole Court." "So one loses the favor of royalty," sighed Reliew. " Perhaps you have ad­ mired a pretty woman." "No, no," replied Sonderland. "The Empress told me nothing," said Reliew; " nothing whatever. She gave ma her commands, and bade me accom­ plish' them at once. But they are too horrible! too horrible!" " Am I to be sent away ?" asked Son­ derland. " Tou could be very happy in soma other country. I should not dread giv­ ing you that news," replied Reliew. " Am I to be exiled to Siberia ?" asked Sonderland. " In that ease there might be some hope of your coming back," Replied Re­ liew. "Then, good heavens! I am to be whipped with the knout," sighed Son­ derland. "Tou might get over that; it seldom kills," answered the Russian, moodily. "Then sh« wants my life," said Son­ derland. " Bnt I know her better than you do. I will fling myself at her feet and implore her pardon. And, at all events, one can die but once." " Oh, mv poor friend !" moaned Re­ liew, bursting into tears, "it is worse than anything you can imagine. The Empress has ordered me to have you stuffed." " What?" cried Sonderland. "To have you stuffed." replied the agitated Reliew. " Listen, my poor friend. This morning she sent for me. _ " ' Reliay,' she said, * you saw to the sniffing of my favorite horse, who died last month 7 " I bowed and assented. " ' Sind Sonderland to the same taxi­ dermist and have him stuffed, in an atti­ tude of supplication--begging, you un­ derstand--and placed upon a stand in my private apartment. Let the stand be elegant and bear his name with these words: "The Favorite of the Em­ press. "' " 'Your mnjesty is good enough to jest.' I said, humbly. "She flashed a fierce glanoe at me. " ' I am in no jesting humor. I valued him,' she said. ' Look, I have even shed tears; but go. I do not wish to see him again. Take him to the taxidermist this morning. I will write my orders for h i m a n d s h e g a v e m e t h i s p a p e r a n d he handed to poor Sonderland a paper on which were written these wor Te : "Stuff Sonderland very carefully and set him upon moss in the attitude of begging. Begin your work within the hoar. Oreat as was my affection for poor Sonderland, his beauty was his greatest charm. There are others as faithful and as affectionate, and I shall now always have him to look at; he is certainly a splendid creature. Go and make all speed possible. Have the words ' The Favorite of the Empress,' in letters of gold on ft black pedestal three feet in height." "There, my poor Sonderland, you see," said the Chief of Police, "it is not II who have gone mad." ' " Then it is the Empress," said Sonder­ land. "Unhappy sovereign, she has lost her mind." "All the worse for us," sighed the wretched Russian. "As soon as I felt sure of her real meaning, I fell on my knees and bogged her not to intrust the terrible news to me; to reconsider her intention. I hardly knew what I said. For answer she pointed to the door. "'If Sonderland is not taken to the taxidermist within an hour, you shall be kunuted and sent to Siberia,' she said. " Wretch that I am, I am here with the news." "Let me see the Empress; let me know what I have done. Let me write. Take a note to her from me." "I dare not," said the Chief of Police. " I have a wife and seven children. You are dear, but they are dearer to me." Sonderland began to hope that the Empress only wished to play a practical joke upon them, and pitying his friend for his terror and the grief he suffered, after a few moments more, arose and offered to go with him at once. Wrap­ ping themselves in their furs, both men jumoed into the sleigh at the door. Meanwhile he had written a letter to the Empress, and calling a servant, dis­ patched it by him. As yet no one guessed at the reason of this visit from the Chief of Police, and the servant had no fears concerning the safety of his er­ rand. Meanwhile the two getlemen pro­ ceeded together to the house of the tax­ idermist, Qottschekoff, Sonderland yet hopeful--for an Englishman could not believe that such a command could be given in earnest--the Russian half mad with horror. In fact, in delivering the command of the Empress he lost com­ mand of his voice and fainted away. The taxidermist himself grew pale. "This is my sentence of death, as well as yours," he said to Sonderland, "for I do not know how to stuff a man, and I know what Empresses are. I shall have to try, of course, but I don't think it can be done." "Iam sure it is only a jest of our sovereign's," said Sonderland. The Russians shook their heads. But at this instant a loud tramping was heard, and armed men entered, seized upon the Chief of Police, Sonderland and the taxidermist, forced them into a sleigh and drove madly away to the Roy­ al Palace. Sonderland still kept his courage. A man knows well enough when a woman really likes him, but the Russians knew that if the Empress had lost her senses, her maddest mandate must be "obeyed. Perhaps they would now be all stuffed. Led into the royal presence, they found Catherine furiously pacing the floor. , " Wretched madman," she shrieked to the pwir Chief of Police, " what have you been about ? " , The poor fellow fell upon his knees. "My Empress," he cried, "endeavor­ ing to obey you. though it broke my heart." " And you, beast ? " she cried to the taxidermist The taxidermist also prostrated him­ self with his teeth chattering in his head. " My Empress," said Sonderland, of­ fering her the paper she had written, '" here is your "royal mandate. There were some difficulties (purely profes­ sional) in the way of stuffing me. Otherwise I should have been already in an attitude of supplication on a black marble pedestal, I make no doubt." "Oreat Heaven!" cried Catherine. ." My friend--my most faithful and most earnest friend--how dared you believe me capable of such a thing ? And you, idiots, get ujx " And she spurned the crouching men%itli her royal foot. " It was my dog, my favorite spaniel--whom I had named after this dear Sonderland because he was so handsome--that I ordered you to stuff. He died last night. The whole palace knew that. Good heavens!" The absurdity of the mistake forced itself upon the royal mind at this instant. Catherine, in the midst, of her rage, be­ gan to laugh, and ended by growing good-natured. "Amusing idiots," Bhe said, "go, and always obey me as well as you have done to-day. I see, at least, that you meant well." ' And thereupon the Chief of Police and the taxidermist crept away, thankful for their lives, to convey the dead dog to its destination. And Sonderland went to lunch with the Empress, who leant upon his shoulder as they walked together through the Palace. The First and the Last Shot. James L. Walker, who belonged ta Company A, Fourth Illinois Infantry during the rebellion, but who now re­ sides at Benton, Atascosa County, Texas, sends the following interesting item to the World and Soldier, published at Washington, D. C.: "As there are frequent inquiries about leading characters in the ' late unpleas­ antness,' I thought I would report the Alpha and Omega of the rebellion. The San Antonio (Texas) Express says : ' The officer who sent the order to open fire on Fort Sumter was Colonel H. P. Brewster, Chief of State for Colonel Al­ bert Sidney Johnston, until that officer's death at Pittsburg Landing. Colonel Brewster is a hale and hearty old Texas veteran, residing in San Antonio. He said he had forgottea the circumstances of the order uDtil he read it in the first volume of the Records of the Rebellion, just published.' "Of course an incident of as small moment as the order for firing the first gun in such a rebellion as this one turned ont to be would soon escape the memory of the officer issuing it. He is the Alpha. The Omeqa is to be found in the person of Captain W. J. Locke, the officer who captured the last fort, Ringold, Texas, and received the last surrender of the war. He is also hale and hearty, is an Illinoisan by birth, served in "the Texas Legislature after the war, and is now to be found on his farm (our miles north of San Antonio, on Almas Creek, engaged in farming and stock raising. A Truly Devoted Wife. x A woman in New Orleans found her husband lying in a state of intoxication in an alley. Instead of being exasperated, she gently turned him over to a comfort­ able position, and running her hand into his vest pocket, she extracted a twenty dollar bill, and remarked: "I reckon I've got the dead wood on that new bon­ net I've been sufferin' for." She made a straight streak for the millinery shop. Strong men wiped the moisture from their eyes at her heroic devotion to a hus- bind who had, by Btrong drink, brought himself so low as to neglect to provide his wife with the common necessaries of life.--New Orleans Time*. W« hand folks over to Ood's mercy, bat show nana ouraalvea. FACTS FOE THE CURIOUS. THB white shark sometimes attains the enormous weight of 10,000 pounds. SNAILS have been put in boiling water and have survived the terrible ordeal. _ DB. FRANKLIN objected to the adop­ tion of the eagle as our national bird, because of its predatory habits, and sug­ gested the turkey instead. IT is curious that the least noise will stop a tiger, as it will a cat A " hish!" or a single knock on a tree with an ax, or even a leaf dropped before him from | a tree-top, is quite enough to turn him, j unless he be more than usually resolute. BETWEEN the dogfish and the gulls . there seems to be a mutual alliance f-IPSs will go on to another question," and it required the teacher five minutes to get through using her handkerchief wiping her eyes, she "had such a bad cold, you know," for Lucy was instructing another class near by. Lucy told her mother afterward that she thought Katie too young to go to school, the oan&aement was not good for her. About the Botcher. - This week, children, I shall show you the butcher. He is generally a good man, but sometimes has a bad weigh of showing it The butcher is a jolly fellow; there­ fore it is meat thit he outs up occasion­ ally. ! He is a good husband, Mid his wife against the herrings; the dogs drive ! cleaves unto him. He takes great care of them to the surface, when they are pounced upon by the gulls and cuiven back to their relentless enemies, the "dogs." THE legal meaning of the word " either " was gravely argued in an En­ glish Court of Chancery a few years ago. A certain testator left property, the disposition of which was affected by the '• de.ath of either" of two per­ sons. One lawyer insisted that "either" his cleaver. Tlie butcher is a great favorite among the fair sex. He is always killing. The butcher never sells horse meat, al­ though lie lms been known to cut up and dispose of a fillet The butcher will knock down an ox and lamb a woman or a child ; but let us not be too harsh on the poor creature, for a pork reacher he is. ^ It has been said that what is bred in meant both ; and in support of this view ! hone won't come out of the flesh; but he quoted Richardson, Webster}Chaucer, Drrden, Southey, the story of cruci­ fixion and a passage from Revelations. The Judge suggested that there was an old song in " The Beggar's Opera" which the butcher gets much of his bread in the bone he sells to you; and doesn't this oozae out of the flesh? , The butcher has been blamed for charging you as much for the bone as for took the other view, " How happy would I ^ie flesh; but he does not require you to T take the bone. He carefully removes all he can before he sends it home. Though the butcher charges you twenty-five cents a pound for bone, you must remember that he sells the same bone to the scavenger for three cents. So you Bee his average price is not ex­ orbitant. Butchers are almost invariably fleshy men. A meat shop is the plaoe to go to if you want to get fat. The butoher is usually very courte­ ous, but some of his best customers frequently get the cold shoulder from him. I be with either, were 'tother dear charmer away !" In pronouncing judg- I ment the court ruled that "either" meant one of two, and did not mean i " bothit might have that meaning I occasionally in poetry, but never in a i Court of Chancery. j To THE Japanese we are indebted for the discovery that paper can be made t into hundreds of articles for human use. i At the Atlanta exposition were to be I seen a most extraordinary variety of j articles which had been made from com- ! mon paper pulp. These included car ; wheels, kitchen furniture, wash basins, j tubs, trucks and even houses. A car I wheel made of paper will run 2,400,000 ! miles without breaking and is stronger J than steel or iron, ana then it is very I much cheaper. Paper is of surprising I strength. A twisted note of the Bank | of England will not tear even though j 329 pounds weight is suspended from I the end of it Paper can be compressed so that it will tear a chisel into pieces, if ! the latter is held against it. One of the ! great values of paper is that it can be { made to take the place of wood. Furni- ! ture made of it looks like black walnut, and is really stronger as well as cheaper; indeed there is now less danger from the wasting of our forest trees than there was before the various uses of paper were discovered. Stoves are made of paper and are so incombustible that it is impossible to burn them. It is possi­ ble even to make a steam engine of paper; in short, it has been found that the linen fiber from which the best paper is made will in the future be aa valuable to mankind as wood or iron. The butcher soon finds ont a poor-pay- hii icutyou A Palntod Dog. A man down in East End lavished a small slice of his bank account, the other day, in the purchase of a coach dog. He heard it was the swell go in Europe to own coach dogs. Every lord of tho realm owned one. So he bought the dog at a round price, and brought him home. Next day he got out his ooach, and tied the pup under it to the axle, as a preparatory step in the young canine's education.* " Now there were two immensely-inter­ ested spectators to the preparations for the training; Two mongrel curs next door were watching things, and seizing up the carriage pup, they finally winked at each other, and said, in dog language, "I gueBs we're about one pound heavier than that brute; let's chew off his hide." The coach started, and the coach dog, which, being attached by a chain, as a natural consequence started, too. Just j as the coach was gaining impetus, the ; mongrel curs made a dash at the thor- j oughbred, and the next few seconds j were fraught with frightful howls, yells, | anp shrieks. By the time the coacher got down to the rescue of his blooded I pet the damage was done. The dog had ! plenty of coaching for one day, and he ! concluded he would not go another step unless the chain and axle dragged him. | "S'mother day, then," said the owner, as ! he ran his coach into the stable, and ; put his pup on ice to co6l off. Next day j was but a repetition of the former day's jtrouble. The mongrels were "laying" | for t he liigh-fangled quadruped, and they j licked him again. 1 It now became a matter of fighting ttfo j dogs with one, rather than training a I coacher, and the gentleman grew de- I spondent. One day last week he met a friend A happy thought struck him. I Would his friend lend him that bulldog I for just one day? He would. Bull was I then takes to the coacher's bouse, and | an artist called in. Brush and paint appeared the night she took them home, j were brought into use, and in less than ; that the alligator still remained. ing customer, and will at onoe cut mm oft If you go to him for a pound of steak tho chances are that he will i off two. It is aiid that the butcher will as soon cut a steak off a cow as a steer. This is amiss-steak. If you a k for a tender steak, the butcher will sometimes cut a slice from the round and beat it with his cleaver This makes it tender, but is it a legal tender? The butcher pays for most of his tools, { bnt he steels all his knives. ) The butcher is noted for his elegance | of apparel. He dresses to kill, and he i kills to dress. ! When beef becomes a grain stale the j butcher makes com beef of it I The butcher is different from the baker. | The butcher doesn't mind a little smoke I when he does his bacon. | The butcher has been knofrn to cut ofl a calf's head and sell it, and the calf said ! not a word. In psst, presenter future, there's uoue like the butcher.--Boston Transcript. AJmo«t Yennff .Ifaln. My mother was afHictcd a loqg time with Neuralgia and a dull, heavy, inactive condition of the whole system ; lieadaehc, nervous pros­ tration, and was altuoxt help lose. No ptiyni- oians or medicines did her any good. Three months a^o nhe began to use Hop Bi;tors, with encli gooii effect that ulie wemsand fec!n young again, although over 70 voars old. We. thiuk there ia no other medicine lit to use in the fam­ ily."--A lad y in Providence, 11. I.--Journal. Aiiigktefte' as Peta. •' "I have some peculiat customers," the keeper of a bird and pet-animal store in Fulton street said. "There are some ladies that purchase nothing but white rats. I once asked one whst she did with them. She blushed a little and said the let them sleep on her pillow with her. She fondled them and taught them little tricks. I have had quite a demand for young alligators recently. Mostof the purchasers, curiously enough, are ladies. You wouldn't think there was anything particularly likeable in an alligator, with a mouth running nearly half the length of his body, out some ladies think so. I have seen them throw bits of meat into an aquarium containing a six-inch alligator, and, as his mouth flapped open and closed on the delicacy, they would raise their hands and ex­ claim : ' How perfectly lovely !' They use the alligators to look at and feed. An alligator looks very comical when about to swallow a fly. He rushes at it with open jaws, aud brings them ao vio­ lently together that the water spouts out at each side of his mouth. He gets him­ self in the most grotesque attitudes, and is always making unexpected moves. A woman came here from Hobeken, re­ cently, and bought a ten-inch reptile. She also bought two dollars' worth of fishes. She went away apparently pleased with her purchases. Several days afterward she came again and said that all her fishes had mysteriously dis- I a jiffy Bull was a fac simile of the eoach | dog. Without waiting for the paint to j dry on Bull's hide, the experimenter j hied him off, and rigged up his coach. Then Bull was led out and tied to the | axle without a chain, but a wee bit of i string that wouldn't embarrass him in | case of an assault from an unknown foe. The two mongrel dogs, as usual, were watching things with smiles upon their benign faces. Said one: "Well, the gol darned fool! does he want us to eat that there dog?" "I guess we might as well kill him this time," said the other, licking his chops. "Might as well chew off a couple of his legs, at least," said the first, "for he'll sever tumble till we do. Look out; here he comes!" Then they jumped on him. Such yelliug as that which followed fast and furious was never before heard. This time the driver did not leave his seat to interfere. The painted thing under the wagon seemed able to take care of himself. In two minutes by the clock he had chawed one leg off the southeast corner of the largest mongrel, and had pulled an ear out by the roots from the head of the other. While Bull was picking his teeth with his claws and spitting out flesh and hair, the wounded combatants dragged their gory carcasses from the field, trying to gather bewil­ dered senses enough to wonder what in the dickens had come over that coach dog all at once. And now that coach dog goes out every day, and when he prances on the street every dog on the Bquare goes in and creeps* under the house for fear he will get sunstruck. "WHO is Lucifer?" said the teacher te the infant class in Sunday-school. "I know," spoke up a brave 5-year-old girl in a very earnest tone. "Well, tell me, Katie," said the teacher. " W'y, Lucy's fer Bob Spriggs, who has such a funny little mustache, an' wears such a short toat; but papa don't like him at all, an' sez he ain't got no sense an' no money, an'he's fer zat ole Mr, Grip, an' " "That will do, Katie," broke in the teacher; "I aoo you are posted. We She said she had put them all together t in an aquarium. Of course I told her , the alligator had swallowed the fishes. ! She said, ' Oh, mv, the nasty thing ! * j and vowed she would sell it. An alliga­ tor over four inches long is dangerous in j an acquarium. Most of those 1 sell are j from Florida. It takes a long time-- j more than two years sometimes--for an aquarium-bred alligator to grow two inches. If they were left to burrow in I a muddy pond or a swamp they would w nearly twice their length in a year, h water seems to stunt them,"--N. Y. $ftn. The Sphere of Woman. As republican institutions continue to gain ground, women appear more con­ spicuous in the remodeling influences of civilization. She whose presence in this briery world is as a lily among thorns, whose smile is pleasant, like the light of morn­ ing, and whose eye is the gate of heaven ; she whom nature so reveres that the' lovely value of her spirit is the best terrestrial emblems of beauty, ceases to command armies or sit upon imperial thrones. But the world bows in homage to her scepter of forbearance and love. The progress of liberty owes much to her self-sacrifice and devotion. It has also redeemed her into the possession of lier nature, has made her not man's slave, but his companion, his counsellor and fellow martyr ; and lifted her to domes­ tic equality, and demands for her the same privileges in political affairs. Although many of the avenues of pub­ lic life are closed against her, she is demonstrating her worthiness to fill a wider sphere of usefulness than she has ever occupied. Truth in its purity finds no more honest or industrious inter­ preter.--Bancroft. A FARM of 1,500 acres in Barry county, Mo., is devoted to the breeding of mules. TURK is something soft and tender In the fall of a single snow-flake, but it always re­ minds ns to look after oar bottle of Dr. Bull's Cough Syrup--our old stand-by in the days of Coughs and Coids--for we have always found it TBE ACE OF IKIRACI.BS " part, and Dr. Pk-ros's " Goidea Me4k«l Dis­ covery " will not raise the dead, will not ears | you if your lunge are almost wasted by com- j sumption. It is, however, unsurpassed both 'as ] a pectoral and alterative, and will euro obsti- ] nate aud sew re dueasea of the Uuoat and lungs, cotighn and bronchial affection*. By virtue of its wonderful alterative properties U cleanses and enriches the bktod, cures pimples, blotches and eruptions, and causes even gnat eating ulcers to heal. j Explosive Balloons There has long been a suspicion | the pretty little toy balloons of various ' colors, wliicli children love to convey about the streets at the end of a string, 1 and flaunt in one's face in street cars and railway trains, are not as innocent and harmless as they look, and a,recent mis­ hap in London strengthens this suspicion. A gentleman was waiting for a tram car to approach, when one of these balloons, floating in the air behind its proprietor, touched the end of his lighted cignr. A loud explosion instantly "followed, and simultaneously the beard, mustache and eyebrows disappeared from the gentle­ man's face, together with a considerable amount of exposed cuticle. If Provi- denoe had not afforded the eyes a better protection than sinful mortals deserve, the unfortunate smoker would have lost his sight also. GCT THE ORIGIXAI. Da.PiEKCE'6 "Peiletfl"--the original "Little liver Pills" (nug&r-coatcd)--cure tick and bil- ious beadache, sour stomaoh aud bilioa» attacks, By druggists. Miss AWCE IMJEFRTTZ stated in ao address on journalism to the Fourth Iowa District Press Association, that she thinks there is still room at the top, and that a neglect of literary finish is one o! the faults of our newspapers. Instead of dwelling on and polishing up their ideas, men think more of making ad­ vantageous sale of them. The following from Miss Alice's address exhibits the results of too much literary finish : "1 am thankful for the incouoclastic spades which are rooting up old saws that have become stripped of all significance, like Cleopatra's Needle, by l)eing removed from their natural surroundings." Aa the New York Sun remarks--" Fie, fie. Miss Alice." Da. PIKRCK'S "Favorite Prescription," for all those weakuesttes peculiar to women, is an un- equaled remedy. Distressing bac&ache and "Oearuig down sensatious yield to its etrength- giving properties. By druggists. LET no one suppose that by acting a good part through life he will escape scandal. There will be those even who hate him for the very qualities that ought to procure esteem. There are some folks in the world who are not willing that others should be better than themselves. flet Ont I^ooTm. The close confinement of all factory work gives the operatives pallid faces, poor appetite, languid, miserable feelings, poor blood, in­ active liver, kiineys and urinary trouble*, and ah the physicians and medicine in the world cannot help them unless thoy get out of doors or use Hop Bitters, the purt-st and best rem- edv. estx*nallv forsneli can™. h=.v::;L' nhjiodsnss of health, sunshine and iWy cheeks in them. They cost but a trifle. See another column.-- Christian Jleoorder. A PARTY of boys were sitting together telling yarns, when finally the conversa­ tion turned on promotions. A German cavalryman gave the following: "I'll tell you something about that, boys. When I joined the cavalry I hadn't been long in this country and didn't un­ derstand English very well. We were sent up the valley at the battle of Win=~ Chester and ordered to charge ^Tmtt^ky. Well, the Captain gave the «eder to charge and away we went in fine style. The Johnnies opened on us with grape and canister. Many a horse tumbled over, and plenty of saddles were emptied. That didn't make any difference ; we went straight ahead. Suddenly the Captain gave the order to retreat The whole company turned and went back as fast as they could excrpt me. You see I didn't understand the order, so I kept on and charged right in amongst them; and, by Joe ! I captured the whole bat­ tery and brought it off safe myself. Now I'll tell you how it turned out. The next day the Captain was made a Major. The First Lieutenant was made Captain, and--" "Well, what did they do for you?" asked the listener. "Why, they put me in the guard­ house, because I wouldn't tell a lie," A recently elected deputy, who hasn't had much cause to be giateful to the press from the biographic point of view, exclaims, "Yes, the press] It is respon­ sible for a great deal of evil, especially certain penny papers which are spread abroad among the masses, and fall into the hands of thousands of people whodo not know how to read or write." A MANUSCRIPT^ treatise by Copernicus has been discovered in the Stockholm Observatory. SLL) A WEEK. SIS a <1*7 «t hom«Mudljmad*. Oorttr 9'A on tat fne. Addraaa TBUK 4 Oo., Angiato, II*. DR. III'NTFIf, ICS Stote st.,Chio«*o, trflats »nc-cessfully Throat and Lung Diseases by InhaLitii.n, SCO a week In your own town. Terms and $A ontM fDO free. Ad drew It. H AI.I.KTT A Co., Portland. Ma. vni 1MB MEN I I' y™ would learn Telegraphy tn IUU"Q RIM • four m nths, and be certain of a Situation, address VJXENTINB BBOB., Janesrille, Wis. Oldert A Bert , Circular fr«a. >a,Dubnquv, la. (This aB^raTiiis npnMcti V f tags to a haolthr SMlt) i STimug wm IN MANY HOME*. War Cauqrhs. C®1 Sections of th •d and attarly stfear affections antral. ~ II CBISMTTNE USES tk Than is wm dMriaai «*«S |W| A MONTH-ArENTS WANTE0-90 best , 'OIUKK art eiaein Iheworld; I samplff/VC*. Addraaa day Hruuaon, Detroit, Mick. 4 BRNTH WAMTEP for th« Beat aad Vistmt A Selling Pictorial Bonka ud Biblea. Prioea reduced U par ot. NATIONAL PUBLISHING OO., Chicago. 11L AIIIUBi^O^Inc HabltCaMd la I* |||I||||H| towdaya SopayllllCnrwL lUlll"Da. J. gTurHiras, Lebanon. Obit.. SW W MU A TEAR and expenses to 4 J y Agent®, thilfit frea. Address 1*. • • ff %'Ieker.v, AugaMu, Me. •BirinragsssK mdlfliircONFEraRATE MONEY anil a 24 pafro Journal (ILLl'STRATFIi) sent free to an) addrt«3 for 10c. lir. C. J. L;uh>, .1,'U'kbon, Mich. Ita»?«mc4te» i otot swrsaansnt' stoicttf «onapltod wltl lmpK9at$m!a m h*&m yeaag M AN KKPgCTOIMNT IT MM M IT CONTAINSMfnua Hi AMY Ml J* l|. HARRIS A CO., Proprlof»% cnrcnriATi, o. FM Nil BYltL BRUSnm^ The Wm&m Friat W. Palmer, formerly 8 of the Oeethl now PoctBHter off Chtc&po, editor. Fight pajsres, &I! the newt, oomd m&i Uet- report*, agr cultural Mid boa~*>ho!d mailer, ete. OX K IIOLUR FKK YK.it. ted for it. and sea haw jrou like it. Address CHICAGO HfrRALD CO., Chicago, ffi. Samples Free. BEST IN THE WORLD! Delivered on Trial, FREE OF CHARCOH "TTILSCIT'S OSCIU^&.TIS!R0 Shuttle Sewing Machine! - B U Y W O O T H E R 1 LA8T8 A LIFE-TIME. Warrants ~ Tmm SEND FOR CIRCULAR "B." AGENTS WANTED in Unoccupied Territory AddTOM WIIiON SEWINO MACHINE OOt ~55 & 857 Wabaph At®., Chicago. P AGENTS WANTED FOR THE HIST0RY«n>W0RLD Embracing full atd anthentia aeewwts Ot «IW| aa- tinn of ancient and modem timaa, and iactadtaf a Ms. tory of the rise and f.-H <>f the Qraak aad Baaaa Umpires, the middle a^es, th® erosaaea,tha feudal «ya> tern, the n>f -rai»tioQ, the discoran and aattiaoMsU at ttte World, etc.. eto. --AOKNT8 everywhere to sel - - - - - -- Mio ii«xt Puarle *mc« tho " 1 JUST THE THIN*; FOR THK HOLIDAYS, WANTED ** JDST THK Til Send for circular*. Ifio. Ai'US I'ur.zi.r. Oo» P.O. BuxMS, NewYork, and P.O.Box •JSHJ. Boston, Mas* Pfeamwa* KTMAA IS8Sf. with improved Diary rr66 '•><•«•<** T.l>le, C«!end«, * etc. Sent to any addree* m rece pt of twoThivM'- ut $fauat»»« .Address CHARLES E. IIIRKS, 48 N. Delaware Ave., Phila, ! W ATCHES. sll sty lot, GoM.HUrcr <uaa N'iekln, ChataJ, Acta rt-nt b? naii or C. O. l>. to be t/xareini'il. Write" r>r to STXSDMiO AUEfU 10AN WATCH CO., PIT'LliUIKiU.FA. DON'T FAIIj to s«iid 3<t. stamp for th* most complete Catalogue of TYPE, BORDERS, CUTS, PRESSES, AC. T , i LOWKST Pit ICES. LARGEST VARIETV. IT is not until we nave passed through ' UATinyAl TVDC nn 56 Tjmiw> Srwsnv tliftt. ve bx6 luftdo to kiioif1 lUNHL I Tit PM L A I > HLPH4a . I'a . . IDA LEWIS has saved two members of a brass band from drowning. Ida's pop­ ularity is rapidly decreasiug since this ' rash act. Look Ont for Sudden Changes of weather, ami guard against them by using Warner's Safe Kidney and Liver Cute. how much dross wus in our comj>ositiou. KIDNKV-WORT U nature's remedy for Kidney and Liver dittuaaea, Piles and Constipation. NOTHING will so increase and strengthen the virtues as practioe aud experience iu them. Ota Thirty Bays* Trial. The Voltaic Belt Co., Marshall, Mieb., will send their Electro-^Voltaic Belts ana other Elec­ tric ApplmnoeH on trial for thirty days to any person afflicted with Nervous Debility, Lost Vitality aud kiiulrtd troubles, guaranteeing complete restoration of vigor and manhood. Address as aliovo without delay. N. B.-- No rink is incurred, as thirty days' trial is allowed. 8KE advertised regarding Magnetic Insoles. Da. WINCH ELL1 A Teething Syrup has nevar failed to give immediate relief when used ia eases of Summer Complaint, Cholera-infantitm, or pains in the stomach. Mothers, when your i little darlings are suffering from these or kin- ! dred causes, do not hesitate to give it a trial. You will surely be pleased with the charming effect Be sure to buy Dr. Wmchell's Teething Byrup. Bold by all druggists. Only 26 oente per bottle. Sis advertisem't regarding Magnetic Insoles. AGENTS W ANTED to ..nth. LIFE, TRIAL and p|||T£A|| EXECUTION of OSM? Complete history of his shameful life; lull record o the nost notorious trial in the ann.ils of crinl.' l'mfutely Illustrated. Low priced. Ot*For civcuLn's and terms, addresa HUBBAR1) HROS., Chicago, 111. ABEATT VH PIA XOFORTES -Magirtfloent • holiday presents; squaie grand piuuotoi tes,lour vory llamlsome rouuU con.cSB, roscwotxl ,'«s tiirci? unisons. Beatty'a matchless iroti s'wmes.stoul, book,cover, boxo.s, to#£97 301 catalogue jiriccs, $wx»to$!- \- iatisiactioB Kttaiantvcd or money refunded, after <ne {*ar't<n»e; ('prtslK I'lanalorlei*. $125 to $266: cata-ogue prices $500 to tfklO istaadard ptam>fortes of the un:- Terse. as thousands testify; write for mammoth list of tes­ timonial*. llrnUy'a l.'nhiact N!S» c.ithe.lral, •buret), chapel, parlor.SjpS upward. Vlslto-s welcome; ftce cjirrlact meets passengers; illustrated catalogue (lioli- edttioTi) free. AiWrcae or call upon BEATTV. WaswHUToif,NEW JI Prat Con LrvER On. mad® from selected >ern, on the seashore, by Caswell, Hazard & j., New York. It is absolutely pure and sweet Patients who have onoe taken it sweet I'atienta WHO nave onoe taken it prefer it to all others. Physicians have decided it su­ perior to any of the other oils in market SKE advertisem't regarding Magnetio Insoles. M A C H I N E ! T hid Is the Improved M onarch I.igtitiiiuK Saw -- the CHEAPEST iinii iilCS! MADE! Siwg Logs EASY anil FAST. Can lie operator, by boy of sixteen. IF- Semi postal , , for Illustrated Catalogue, containing testimonials and fu l particulars. AiiOTS WaNTKI). SS discount allowed to tliosi1 WH-. rome and f^t machine. MOSAKCH IJCIHTVIKO •AWCO., l<liKuudslpliStreet. » htea tfltUTl _ _ > PAYKL r.&iQIcf Sewing Mac hiss ta 1 th* ksat ever Buule~at>w« Cut, ram •fcay, vary haadaom*. qatet, cfarftWa, atapto, utd jpowerfol. Warranted & Beet asywhwe 9m & 4«<ra trial. P&g & pUmsm. 4,060,000 of this model maohioa bar* been sold. Af;k far eircaiara aa4 testimonials. Low priori toelaba. Va to try Tihousaods do e?e?y year, and thank ib4r $10 to 080 Mvcd In tniyiag direct. Cat Ills and wheo rc«i or A friend ue&l a Hewmg Machine ba I© address USOJ?ATU A Co., 41 Titird Av=,C!iicage,UL PRICE $20.8SS > TMa N.Y.&in|t-r Sewing Ma FOB Headache, Constipation, Liver Complaint ana all bilious derangements of tho blood, there is no remedv as sure and safe as Eilert's Day­ light Liver Pills. They stand unrivalled in re­ moving bile, toning the stomach aud in giving healthy action to the liver. Bold by all druggists. BEK advertisem't regarding Magnetic Insoles. To HAKE new hair grow use CASBOUSE, a de­ odorized extract of petroleum, This natural petroleum hair renewer, as recently improved, is the omy thing that will really produce new hair. It is a delightful dressing. TH* Frazer Grease is much more durable than any other, and perfectly harmless to the wood and iron with which it comes in oontaot FOR Rheumatism, 8prains and Bruises, UN Uncle Sam's Nerve'and Bone T .inimeut, sold by all druggists. ltEHCPEI) FKOM DEATH. William J.Conghlin,of Somerrille, Mass., says: In the fall of 1876 I was taken with bleedinf of tlis lungs. *•* lowed by a severs cou«h. I lost in; appetite and flasB. and was confined to mjr bad. In 1877 I waa admitted te the hospital. The doctors said I bad a hole in m; lung as bif as a half dollar. At one time a report went around that I was dead. I cava up hope, but a friend told ma of DB. WILLIAM HALL'S BALSAM FOE THK LUNGS. I gol a bottle, when, to my surprise, I commenced to feel bat. I ter, and co-dajr I feel Setter than for three years past. 1 writs this hoping every one afflicted with diseased hugs will take DB. WILLIAM HALL'S BALSAM, and be con­ vinced that CONSUMPTION CAM BE CUKKD. I oaa poai- lively say it has done more good than all Uu •lues 1 hsrs taken sines my sickness. rarMta.' I'ufatiui v«Ptll« make New Rich Blood, and will completely change the blood in ths entire avutrm in three months. Am* person who will take one pill each night Irons 1 to 12 weeks mav be restored to sound health. «l stich a (hunc be possible Sold everywhere or sent by mail for 8 letter stamps. I. I». JOHXHOX & CO., Boston, Mass., formerly Bangor® Me° iiTiffiiili JOHNSON'S ANODYNE I.INIMEXT will positively prevent this terrible disease, and will posi­ tively cure nine cases out of ton. Information that will save many liv»>s, sent free by mall. Don't delay a moment. Prevention is better than cure. I. 8. JOHN- SON & Co.. Boston, Mass.. formerly Bangor. Maine. It con*&imi fine historisal •ngnvlngs, sad istas •est complete H .tofr ot the Wand tmr pablMni. Bond for spw.men pases and extra tanas to Agents. Address NATIONAL Prausnnf OO.(lss>^A "MAGNETIC I f t l O A l MdULCd ARE A 81TRR RKLIEF for Cold Feet. RbeutaUlML M NrornlKii. Defective Circulation. Jfervocs and General t. Debility, Nervous Prostration. Female Weakness, eto, .Vis unit if n<|t found as represented we will rotund the pries p.lid Hi »ny time Sent by mull upan receipt of On* Dot- •, Inr per pair. Call or addrass, stating size wanted. ; THE MAGNETON APPLIANCE CO. | Sole ^Samafaetiirera, 218 State St., €hicago» 111. 4 The Bestfield; EMIGRANTS. ^ AN IMSIEN&K AREA OF RA1LKOAW $ AND «OVEKV»II:NT I-ANOS, OF'OJUEA* FERTILITY, WITHIN EASY REACH OF « PERMANENT MARKET. AT RXTRSJCB. I. Y I.IIW l'ltll KS, is now OFFERED for sale te | EAMTI'IKX OKEUON aadEASTERM WASH* V: ISUTWN TERRITORY. | Ttieur land* form part of the GREAT ORAIH "2 BEI.T of (IK Facile (MOPR, AS4 ARE w'tsla an avrtase distance of JUO to 3WJ ATTAL from Portland, wbere.«t»*sis*l|i*a»D sail- S LOST veswls are directly loaded FOR ALK* J PARTS OF THE WOUI.D. | GRAIN AT PORTLAND. OlUKiON, COM- ;/ JNANDS A PRICE EQUAL TO THAT OK- M TAIN ED IN CHICAGO. H The early eompieiiti of the Iferffcer* At- ? ciflc R. H. ta time tnururnl, and yssrsstwi to grttfers cheap and tmsnsrfsKM ; and goad markets both JEafst amd west. Dks 'y open in if of this arte i;»r i-lart'l line IS th* Pacific, together with the «sw»s«Wsa «f th* f network »/ 7OO miles of ndfrssd fry the O. M. . n X. Co. in th>- ratlf-tt* of the gremt CMSMHM* mnd its princijml tributaries,reisders etrtsia • rapid increu*i in the value of the Isadl •- now open to purchase and pre-rmptiom. *;'> There ia every indication of an niuisimii | movement of papulat'.on to th*> C«tswMs « Miver region in the immediate fHture. . II LANDS SHOW an AVERAGE YIELB of 40 BUSHEI.S OF WHEAT PER ACRJK. Mo Failure of Crops ever lusws. . RAILROAD LAN D.»* ottered at the sslflMi ' rate of $^.,iO an Acre. OLIMATE MILD AND HEALTHT. | For jsasfapblet and napii descriptlvo •€ itrv. lis resoarees. ellinate. route as MTM i?el, rates full iaformtitiou, add A. I*. STOKES, Qmn Eastern Pais'r Agest, •8 Clark StM CUca<s« IM. Burs ALL FRESH, FI RK A KKLIAII tested^ ^ SEEDS! G a trial." NO OLD STOCK IN STORE. Home-grown and Choice Imported. 8end for Catatogos. ~ B. BA.aNX8. 46 A 48 West Lake St.. CHICASQ, III. IABNXA. 46 A 48 West Lake St.. CHICAGO, J DrBULL'S fonsuisptl^i and peopl wbo have weak lungs or asth­ ma, should us# Piso-s Cure for Consumption. It has etirea thou jaadfle It has not Injur­ ed It Is Dot bad to tak#. It Is th® best rough Fyru^^ Sold6verywh«re. 25e utiss aroid atimolantsaBd Hop Bitten. Uoa» Ir yoa an MWA poor health or langrlah MM, Itlj » HOP iSoUBMHlsdSS IA- rOB MM BDIWCBM raauj from form o< a llailj «i«t HopilttfC taks HOP Blttoro pfpaia, oru plaint, ot the batc*U, bloo livtr or Too will cored if yon Hop ot epran, lobaeeo rista. Seadtar URShr. Ifyovare plr weak aaa lowrolrited, try iti ft may •avoyour llfo. ft has saved nun* NA > I«M ssiMk MT CTS teta. m" rwi^y.'A&SnuSi mt lNViGOBATS«a.EAIB SalN tr7 tk. |{Mt »• I »J rAiLSD. taSuSit sta <wrm COUGHi^^ WHEX WRlTMtl TO ADTEKTIsKti). M please is; you saw die sdvutisesual In tkl» ] SYRUP $6to$20 GUNS E@?slf«ra Cxaltjif trm. iddi«| Viat Stti Wwit. Fltttlvck. K FRUIT FBE£ 1 Omunnl*! MSlaiit Iran ssaeral dabtlfty to saob aa IsMMtoaa A vacatios of saosik dM ae* Mis aoeh nM tat «a ttse ^sa--irt pmstcstlnn sad siaklns rhllls At thkfasaaIbassa the waa a* |>ar Jfgt* dlisil ilsiast Ins^l*" Thaold snsnf rataraed aad I nmm "f abated. 1 have Med thiae haltiaae?the ^Rate. Bines a i tiae daring a> IWaasa sad with doable the . •MaotMraasMllf abaii hsr that levar did la the I »th.^ iflks /ran flb Imi mmmrmtimn [{•Mb mf Mro I odsse JarA, •Uo sHa *3UO*?SSM luiaan n w DR. MAITU as<s