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W '-Xr̂ SW'- ; • ; ; > • ; ' * ? -f .vTrv. , - .v . .W.-r., -• W.-'T*,. • , ':-•' •'! • ^ -j » >, •» ^ ( ( ,..j* LJlfeii&jMk. v..-; TOE NU, DOG ABTD A W1 dog stood in t batdiaih shop, .... Aa4 all around was a krroly crop • Of etilckenfl and turkeya, pork aad bait " ' boll d<« thief. c" *" Tempting to auy I -*5' :£ lytt-, Bat for poultry the bull dog felt BO wbta; -- * • • • • s:,., Though it charmed other*, it charmed not Mat Ho pom try nor beef nor pork he'd eat T't\ to he'd set hi* heart on Home saosaga Mit ; BOBW nn«ge meat! S^me sausage BMU ) H s moat capricious - * , a ĵsss'̂ sr wmm.- If he could stlok iay ,. ̂ . 5 .» > . i. A liver or ohicken, %' . r:; Y; "Wfcy not saiuage meat T To the sausage cutter ho sauntered ronnd. He Jumped to the hopper with a frantic boul; He grabbed a chunk of beef so tight He eouldnH. let go, or else he might-- ^ War' the cutter had eaught on that pled* 4Mb As be oonldnt let go, it hauled him throogk. It hauled him through in a manner neat And out him up into sausage meat. -• To sausage meat? To sausage westl This most capricious Terrible vicious Oaaine lost his life, To learn that never Can bull dog ever Combat a sausage knifa. --Bottom I*o*L "IT" A German Prize Story. [Ther <*rt^!nal of the following 1b a prize story written for the Wien'r Allgcmeim Zeitung. There were 760 contributions handed in, #ud of these Mr. Roberts' " It" took the first prize, 30J florins. The Judges were some of the most eu lightened men of German literature--Bauernfeid, Laube, Oro«s and several others. The author is Freiheran V. Rob­ erts.] Returning from a business trip, I en­ tered my wife's boudoir, and found her kneeling before a low chair, on which sat a boy baby with large, round and wondering eyes. She got up and came rustling in her silken, robe de chambre to meet me. She reached out her hand and greeted me not more heartily nor yetin ore formally than we were accm* tooled to greet each other in those days. " There it is," said my wife, pointing to the chil^ " What ?" asked L But she stooped down before the little stranger, held a biscuit close to his upturned face, and, half turning toward me, replied: •'Well, you know--did we not read of It in the newspaper ? Don't you remem­ ber--the day before yesterday ? An^ jg it not beautiful ?" Now I did recollect that a few nights before she held the gazette under the light of my student lamp, and, pointing with her finger to an advertisement, said tome, "Please read that" It was the well-known appeal, the cry of despair from a bleeding heart, addressed to '• good people." A child was offered for adoption to persons well off. "What would you think of our taking it ?" my wife had said; and I had returned the paper to her with a shrug of my shoul­ ders. "But, Martha, what have you done?" cried I, in a tone vibrating with anger. " You have really ?"-- "Certainly, as you see. And then it belongs to me; I myself have settled everything with the poor mother, who is in reality to be pitied. I have sworn to take good care of it; and so I will in­ deed." She took the little head, with its blonde, silk curls, between her white hands, and fondled and caressed it. "Is it not BO, little one?--you will be loved?" But the somewhat sickly and delicate little face showed no signs of understand­ ing, except that out of the heart-shaped little mouth came one of those sighs riiafr sound so strangely from children. I at once gave up all serious objection. Had w« not been accustomed for years to act independently of each other? Our marriage was not a happy one, al­ though we had not married for love. During the noise and bustle of the crowded exchange, our fathers had con­ tracted this un on. She had to tear her heart from a beloved one, and in mine had glowed a passion, not yet outspoken. But parental wishes conquered. We chose to be obedient children; and so it happened. At the commencement we were to each other a silent reproach; after which fol­ lowed a declared war, until finally we oame to a polite but gloomy peace. To be sure, she was beautiful, she was good and bright and sparkling. Others called her an angel. And I? Well, I believe I was no monster either. The analysis showed the brightest col­ ore, still the sim was missing. We were six years married, and had no children. Perhaps had heaven sent us them-- Well, this child belonged entirely to her ! I heard later that she had given the mot tier $1,000, the price of a set of jewels which she sold secretly. "Why did you not tell me of it?" said I, half angrily. " " Because it would have been too late, if I had waited for your return to the city; and. beside, I wanted to havo it entirely for myself; I want to call it my own," said she, poutingly. My horses, my dogs ; her cararies, her gold fishes--I could endure that; but that she wanted to have her child for herself alone, that was too much for me. The thought of it tortured me one, two days long. On the third day, my wife having gone out in her carriage, there came a veiled woman and demand­ ed entrance. It was the mother. Like a shadow she glided into the room, and, %itli a half-suppressed sob, begged to see her child once more. She could not part from him forever without imprint­ ing one more kiss upon his cheeks. I opened my safe quickly. ** Here, my good woman," said I, "take that; they have not given you enough." Hot tears fell down her wan cheeks; she begged me not to judge her too harshly; she had another child, a cripple and help­ less ; she herself was sick and would not live much longer, and what was to be­ come of the children ? Then she thought I myself had to finish the sen- teuoe, which a violent fit of ooughing bad interrupted. "Yes," she had thought: "I will sell the healthy one, in order that* the money may help the My wife and I did not talk much about the child, and when we did mention it, •me used only the name " It." But this ** It" oould be heard through the house at almost any time of tho day. "Hash I not so much noise! It sleeps! --It must have its dinner--It should be taken out for a drive--It has hurt it­ self I " And so the whole house began to turn ronnd our " IU" This nameless neuter vexed me. 44 It must have its own name," said 'I one day. " I entirely forgot to ask the mother --I mean the woman--what its name is," answered my wife. "She intended to come again. But she does not come; she is certainly sick. Now I call it Max. Max is a, pretty, short name, is it not ? " "H'm," returned I, between two lah thoughts. I wanted to rebel against toe little autocrat--that would be ridicu­ lous. I wanted to give her the choice between him and me, I, audacious one I knew very well whioh side her heart would choose. At another time I was ready to take steps in order to find the mother, and with the power of gold force her to take back her child--behind ruy wife's back f That would be cow­ ardly. . I could no longer fix my mind on bus­ iness. I mistrusted even myself. Peo­ ple asked me what was the matter with we. I feigned illness. The sunshine would not let itself be banished, and the spirit of love was stronger than L With his flaming sword he drove me out. "I mnst take * long journey, Martha." Mv voice draughts of my cigar, " Prite would also | trembled as I said this. My wife must be quite a pretty name." "One cannot i have noticed it, for something like moist ® wge » name ?n to™™*, of do- j shining pity trembled in her beautiful mestics, answered she, shortly, and | eyes. At my taking leave she held then calledlout loudly, "Is Max up al- | the little one toward me and asked in ready? Nevermind; was it not our seft, caressing tones, " Will you not'say ! adieu to our child?" I tx>k up the lit- ready ? ohild? Onoe, though, I played my justifiable part toward our chOd. At dinner it was always served at a little table in an ad­ joining room. At such times we could hear, between the scantily dropping phrases of conversation, its merry prat­ tling, accompanied by the clattering of its spoon. My wife had no rest; there was a continual coming aud going be­ tween us and him ; the soup might be perhaps too roughly ; at all began to cry and to resist my I put him down and | tie one, I events he | caresses. Then | hastened "awav. j 1 traveled in uncertainty through the ! world, and behold! after the first few j days, in addition to my ordinary travel- | ing companion, bad humor, there came another fellow who told me plainlv that I was a fool. First it sounded like a JfSJj01?, ""J. mi«ht .eat too much ! i whisper, then louder and louder: "Yon Wife said I, very quietly, but very • are a downright fooL" Finally, I read it decidedly, "from tc-morrow it snail eat 1" - reaaii with us at our table. It is old enough now, with its two years." From that time on " It" ate with us. He Bat there in his high chair like a Prince, dose to my wife--both opposite to me like declared enemies, as it were. The yellowish paleness of poverty had yielded to an aristocratic pink in his little cheeks, which, now becoming quite chubby, sat comfortably on the stift folds of the napkin. It worked pow­ erfully at its soup; and, now that it had finished, set up the spoon like a scepter in its little round fist on the table. My wife and I had exchanged a few words, ana now we sat silent. Apparently on account of this silence, its large eyes began to open wider and wider. They stared on me, stared at my wife, with a surprised, almost frightened expression, as if they had a presentiment that all was not right between us. I confess that those eyes embarrassed me, and that I had a feeling of relief when Fred­ erick entered with a dish. And I t.hinh; that my wife felt the same. And the following days there were the game large, wondering eyes, like an ap­ pealing question, stariug into the pauses of our conversation. It sounds ridicu­ lous, but it is nevertheless true; we were culprits before the child, we two grown persons! And by degrees our conversation became most animated. Tne occasional pi attlingsof the little one were noticed and spoken about; indeed, sometimes there was mutual laughter at his attempts to speak. Ah! how light, how bell-like pure sounded her laughter! Had I never, then, heard that before? And what was the matter with me, that I some­ times bent over my writing-dtesk, listen­ ing, as though 1 heard from a distance these same silvery tones ? * With the first sunny spring days, "It" began to play in the gardtn, which I could overlook from my seat in my office. She was generally with him. I could hear the sound of his little feet on the pebbles, and then her footsteps. Now she would playfully chase him, and a chorus of twittering sparrows would join in their notes with the merry laugh­ ter. . Now she would catch and kiss his cheeks over and over. Once I opened my window; a warm, balsamio air streamed around me, and a butterfly fluttered in and lit on my inkstand. Just then she came out of a green, vine- grown bower; she was dressed in a daz­ zling white negligee, trimmed with a costly lace ; all over her streamed the golden sunshine, except that her faoe was overshadowed by the pink of her parasol. cripple when I am dead and gone. No; she must not be judged harshly; we rich ones know but little of the trials and temptations of the poor. When my wife returned I gave her an account of the call I had had, add­ ing that I had given to the unfortunate one exactly the same amount as she had. "And now," said I, "you see that the child belongs to both of us." She bit her lip with her little white teeth. "It is all the same to me," said she, after a moment's reflection; and with that she pressed a tender kiss on the little boy's mouth. It sounded almost like a challenge. " Our child!" I scarcely ever saw it. And the changes that were made in our household for his sake were made entirely without me. Sometimes, after the most important things were decided, my consent was then asked. " We are obliged to have a nurse; I hired one, , ..Anselm." I nodded silently. "We must ,, 'ifit up a nursery; that room is too warm >U;jfor the child," 1 nodded silently, but I Vjheard the sound of the workmen, who "pwere already busy id the hall. What Qfxrald I do batter? Was it not all done ' for our eiiiM ? JHow slim she appeared! how grace­ ful in her movements! Had I been blind? Truly the aunts and cousins were right; she was in reality beautiful! A smeet smile transformed her features; she was happy--certainly in this moment she was--and her happiness came from her child. Then a voice made itself heard in my breast, which said very plainly, "You are a monster!" I got up and walked to the window. " It is a beautiful day," called L I know how cold aud prosaic it must have sounded to her. It came like a heavy cloud-shadow over a sunny landscape. She answered something that I did not understand; but the brightness was gone from her little face. Then she took up the child, who was stretching out his arms to her, and kisse i and caressed him before my eyes. There it was when the first feeling of jealousy was aroused in me ; a jeal­ ousy truly, but what a strange jealousy, which could not make clear to itself who was its object! If "It" said " mamma," to her, there came a pain to my heart; and the caresses with which she overwhelmed him almost drove me wild. I was jealous of both ! It pained me that I had no part in this weaving of love, that I was not the third in the union. I exerted myself to gain a part of their love. I did it very clumsily. The child persevered in a certain shy­ ness, and she--had I not kept myself forcibly away from her during these long, long years? One day at the dinner-table, after a skirmish of words, came a great stillnssa between us, a stillness more painful than it had ever been. 1 glanced down at the flowers on my plate of Saxon porce­ lain, my displeasure showing ia my face ; but I felt plainly that " It" had its eyes on me, and also her eyes. It was as if those four eyes burned on my fore­ head. Then sounded suddenly in the stillness : " Papa !" and again louder and more courageous : " papa !" I shuddered. " It," sat there ahd stared, now very much frightened, over at me, wondering, perhaps, whether a storm5 would be raised by its "Papa." But her face was suffused with glowing red-- the newspaper before me; it I traced on the blue mountains ; the loco- | motive shrieked it to me. Yes, I be­ lieved it; why did I not then and there turn my face homeward? Well, the fool must first travel it all off before everything would be right again. At Ust, one day, with a violent beating of the heart, I again entered my dwell­ ing. What a solemn stillness reiRned there ! I could now hear the sound of whispering voices ; my wife came toward me. "It is sick, verv Bick," moaned she; "it will surely die!" I tried to comfort her. Only a short time, how- ever, proved that her fears were but too well grounded. During the last night we both sat by the litt'e bed ; she tiiere and I here, each of us holding one of his little hands. Ah! those feverish pulse beats !--every stroke sounding like an appeal: "Love each other, love each other; be good !" We felt eventu- ally these throbbings, and we under* stood the appeal. Our eyes met, full and earnest through the glittering tears, as m a first, holy vow. Words would have have seemed a sacrilege then. Not long after we laid our darling in the warm spring earth. When we again sat down at our table, there was a stillness between us; but it was not the same stillness as that which 1 the little stranger hud broken in upon I with his parting "Papa." Even by the f wall stiM stood his hia;h arm-chair, and on the little board before it lay his spoon- scepter. My wifo reached' her tine, white hand over the table, and asked "Did you also Jove it?--at least a lit­ tle?" Her voice trembled. "Mywifftj my sweet, my own wife !" called L Then I fell at her feet and held her hands fast in mine, "I love thee, my wife, oh, my wife!" After the first emotion had subsided, j return to their ranks, and that ample I pointed to the arm-chair. " The lit- | justice should be done. He immediate- tie one came to teach us love," whis­ pered I. "And when it had finished its teaching, it went again to the an­ gels," added she, through her tears. * * * * * One day the physician stepped out of my wife's room, with a smiling face. He touched the little arm-chair as he passed it, saying: "Let it stand there ; you will need it again." ~~ Was it possible? Had I such happiness ? held my wife close to my heart in my irrepressible joy I could not for­ bear to bend down to her blushing little face, and say, " We will love it dearly, very dearly. Is it not so ?" Esquhaaax WeapoM. n you were t» examine the qveer weapons by which the Esquimaux man­ age to capture their seals--specimens of them are in the National Museum at Washington--you would be astonished at their roughness. It is Tiry difficult especially for the northern bands, to get any wood, excepting sticks that are washed ashore, to make a ly rare. In most cases, therefore, they are obliged to splice two or three short roes together, and this they can only by slanting both ends, and binding the pieces at their juncture with strings of raw-hide or strips of intestine. The striking end of the spear usually consists of a long and pretty straight piece of bone, such as can be got from a whale's or walrus' skeleton, and this is tipped with a sharp point of bone, or flint, or (nowadays generally) of iron. Sometimes this tip is movable, so that when it penetrates the prey it will come off and only be held by the line, while the handle floats, secured by a loop. Other spears have each a skin buoy attached, this making it more difficult for the poor animal to swim away, and also helping to float the weapon if the hunter misses his aim. The stout lines are made of seal-hide, or sometimes of braided spruce roots. The "hooks" mentioned above have wooden or bone shafts, to the end of which a curved and sharpened hook of bone is firmly bound. Beside, there are other rough weapons^ and a kind of net, in all of which the seal's hide and bones contribute to his tribe's destruction, and which are mar­ vels of savage ingenuity. Many of them are nsed later when the ice breaks up and the Esquimaux can go out in their kayaks. The kayak is about twenty feet long, but can be car­ ried by the one man who forms the crew. It is all decked over, excepting a little round hole through which the young Esquimaux squeezes his legs and sits down. Then he puts on a tight oil-skin coat over his garments, and ties it down to the deck all around him, so that no water can pour in "'tween decks." But, on the other hand, he must untie the knots before he can get but; so if by chance he capsizes, he mui*t either be content to navigate head and keel up, or else he must right If by a sort of somersault, which bring him up on the opposite side id this he often actually does. it Inger«oll, in St. Nicholas. A JKutiuous Sepoy's Fate in 1772. In VCapt. Williams' " Historical Ac­ count of the Rise and Progress of the Bengal Native Infantry," published by John Murray, of London, in 1817, on page 143 there is an account given of the murder of Capt. Richard Ewens in 1772. His battalion (I, Tenth B. I. N.) was in November of that year sent to join Capt. Oamac at Ramgur, and on the day after its arrival the latter officer inspected it. During the inspection one of the Sepoys standing within two yards of Capt. Ew­ ens leveled his piece and shot that offi­ cer dead. Says the historian : "On Capt Ewens' falling the battalion in­ stantly broke and rushed forward to avenge his death, but Capt Cimac, with great presence of mind, ordered them to you win ne /Really ? deserved si As I heli Observing the Sunday Lair. A tired and thirsty individual, whose beautifully-painted nose said plainer then words, " No Sunday law in mine," knocked at the door of a West End j saloon one Sabbath morning and sent | up a piteous appeal for a glass of beer, j " Nein," said the Teutonic proprietor, " nix beer on a Suntay. You dink I vas a geese ?" and bang went the door with such force that the color even faded I from the thirsty individual's ruby nose. I Scarcely had the echo of the bang j ceased to reverberate among the Coving- I ton hills and neighboring coal sheds, when a iittle girl \yitli a pitcher, mys- I teriously incased in a newspaper, ap- j peared at the portal, rapped three times, I and then delivered the paper-bound i vessel to a hand thrust out from the | crack of the door. Shortly afterward j the mug was returned to her, still in its i mystic covering, and with a smiling I countenance she disappeared around the | corner and was 6een no more. j w Ah!" exclaimed he of the rum- ; blossom proboscis, "I smell a mice," and | ere long he, too, stood at the doorway I with a pitcher, whose huge proportions ; were carefully concealed in paper, j Bap, rap, rap. Once, twice, three | times, and the door opened and the ! pitcher disappeared. How anxiously he ! awaited its return, and how quickly he j darted around the corner to his thirsty companions when once it had been re- i placed in his trembling hands. The crowd gathered0 around. A breathless silence prevailed as the covering was re­ moved, and a look of horror spread over the countenances of all. A despairing Bhriek darted out from beneath the thirsty individual's nose, and went up with a hiss like a rocket, as high as the smokestack of a neighboring pin factory. With one convulsive shudder his fingers released their grasp, and the pitcher came with a thud upon the cold, hard and unfeeling sidewalk, the stones of which for yards around were saturated not with beer, but milk. And so the wicked perish.--Cincinnati Gazette. T. Victim of the Surgeons Who Did Not Complain. A maTt who had been carried to a Phil- ness, and her half-open lips trembled ' adelphia hospital while suffering from slightly. ! the effects of a severe contusion was There came a flood of gladness over ' afkedif h® ̂ ̂ ^ndly while my heart. Certainly no one but her had i ^ere* Considering all thrngs, he taught him this "Papa." Why did I | answered, I think I haveao nght to not spring up, bound toward her, and complain. They amputated both of • • ' - • ' my feet, removed my collar-bone, cut off with one word, one embrace, strike out the loneliness of these last six years ? One right word in this moment and all would have been well. It remained un­ spoken ; I seemed to have lost all power to act; but on a certain page of my ledger are still traces of the tears I shed in anger at my own stupidity. There was no doubt about it; another spirit had stepped in with its little curly head--the spirit of love; and that made me a stranger in my own house. A pre­ cious sunshine brightened the rooms, even when the one in the heavens was hidden by clouds. The faces of the servants, and even inanimate objects, streamed back this radiance. But me, only, the sunshine did not touch. I felt myself always more and more unhappy in my loneliness. Jealousy grew ia me; it gave me all sorts of fool my right arm, trepanned me, took out a piece of my under jaw, sawed my left nip-bone in two, and were aboat to ex­ cavate five or six ribs when a fire broke out in the establishment and the police got away with the rest of my body ia safety."--Brooklyn Eagle. THB recently-published returns of the Austrian (1880) census show that 59 per cent of the people are employed in agriculture, 5$ in commerce, banking and transportation, 3J in liberal profes­ sions, 3 1-6 are landowners and capital­ ists, 1 4-5 servants, i per cent educa­ tionists, 26| are engaged in mining, and the occupations of 3-10 per cent, are unknown. GERMANS are gradually becoming the bakers of London. ly sent one of his officers to bring down his own battalion (the Twenty-fourth), and on its arrival he ordered a drum­ head general court-martial to try the murderer, who sentenced him to be drawn asuucV* by tattoos. The horses being fastened to his limbs, many at­ tempts were made to draw them from the body, but withoutj^ffect, and then the Sepoys were allowed to put him to death, which they did with their swords," TWO-THIRDS OF A BOTTLE CURES Da. R. V. PIERCE, Buffalo, N. Y.: Dear Sir-- I havo been taking your " Favorite Prescrip- tion" for "female weakness.*1 Before I taken it two days I began to feel stronger. I nave taken but two-thirds of a bottle and be­ lieve I am cured. Gratefully, Mas. H. C. Lovsrr, Watseka, DL HE ran away from home, did this prodigal, and Bptut hin money in billiard saloons and lottery tickets, and bad got down to his la«t pa­ per coliar. lie returned to bis parents out at the elbows and bankrupt in the matter of clean linen, and the very neit day, when he met an ojd neighbor, who asked, " And did your father kill the tatted calf 'i " there was evidently a sto­ ry in the ground, solved in p rt by his sullen re^ly : "Ko, but ho came blamed near killin' the prodigal." Throat, Bronchial MID Lang DIMSIIM a specialty. Send two stamps for large treat­ ise giving self-treatment. Address WORLD'S DISPEXSABV MEDICAL ASSOCIATION, Buffalo, N.Y. CHANGED bis business: Fogg--" How are yon, Charluv ? What pre you doing nowadays?" ('harlev--" Oh, trying to earn an houent living." I'ogg--" Well, bow do you make out ?" C'haiTey --" Much as ever I make out at all." Fogg-- " Don't be downhearted, Charley ; you're new k> the business, you know ; you'll do better by wl by." ^ SICK and bilious headache, and all deranj mcnts of stomach and bowels, cure Pierce's '• Pellets "--or anti-bilious grannies. 25 cents a vial. No cheap boxes to allow waste of virtues. By druggists. Vegetarianism. In reporting the death of a man in New York, 63 years old, who had been a strict vegetarian for about forty years, the attending physicians Btated the de­ ceased had "suffered from general debil­ ity, partly the result of peculiar notions in living." A vegetarian, however, might claim the man's life had showed his peculiar notions to be not without reason. And certainly to live to a ripe age after forty years' practice of " pe­ culiar not.ons" is a reasonably fair proof that those notions are worthy of respectful consideration. Ptuutt'l the Mouieii, Naturally pale invalids can be greatly im­ proved in health and appearance, the mind and body strengthened by using Dr. Qnysott's Yel­ low Dock and SursapanUa. It brightens the eyes, gives rosy cheek*, and creates a perfect picture of health, strength, and beauty. It is woman's best friend for relieving the many weaknesses incidental to female life. If you are v< a!-", nervous, and debilitatedj or suffer from dyspepsia, it will surely cure you. Ask your dru^pi"* "f* it for von. The Court Adjourned. The first, last and only court held Clinton, Ky., under the provisional L. ernment accomplished nothing except convene and adjourn, for the reason hei stated: The first case was called, wit Judge Silvertooth on the bench. The defendant answered, and the trial was about to commence, when a young man, half crazed by fear, rushed into the court-room and shouted: "Save your­ selves ! The devil's to pay ! Four hun­ dred Yankee cavalry galloping into town!" The Judge sprang from his seat, exclaiming: "The you say I Gentlemen, this court is adjourned, and every man save himself whocan !" Never was a court-room cleared more effectual­ ly in a shorter time; but the Judge was the first man out. MR. SAMUEL A. DENTOK, of Lebanon, O., writes : "My wife has for years been a great sufferer from female diseases. Her health was very poor, and her blood full of impurities. She complained of pains about the loins and back ; and would sometimes keep her bed for days. I gave her Dr, Gnysolt'a Yellow Dock and Baroaparilla, which.helo^cl li^ greatly from the start, and now I never siw her skin FO fair, her lips so red, or her checks so rosy. She at­ tends to her housework herself now, and I &GY6F IWAT her I* The Button Dodge. He drifted into Phil McGovern loon, wiped his forehead, felt around; in hia pocket, and said with a pleasant smile: " Well, as it seems, I have joet one 10-cent piece left to-day, and I'll | take a drink." When the four fingers of Antioch's nerve-tangler had been se­ creted in his remotest recesses the con­ sumer fumbled among his keys, and laid something on the counter. As he did so he started and said, with a look of amazement: "Great Seott! just look at that 1" "I see it," said the bar-keep­ er, soornfnlly regardirg the alleged dime. "It's a suspender button. What of it?" "Well, 1 didn't look at it before I just felt in my pocket, and I'm blamed if it didn t fool me. Ahem. I suppose you'll have to put this drink on ice until tomorrow. I'll drop in and fix it." "Oh, of course you will. Here, take this," and the cocktail retailer handed over a needle and thread. " What's that for?" " Why, for you to sew on the button right now ; otherwise you might make a mistake again this evening some­ where else. Just sew it on strong." But the party with the button was vtry much insulted, and went out Bwearing that they didn't know how to treat one of the most prominent citizens. San lYwtefrco Poit. IN some parts of South America the banana skin is converted into a material of which ladies' dresses are made. This is probably the kind that the lady slips on easy.-- Yonkers Statesman. " WHAT is the matter, old fellow ? Yon seem worried." '"Well, Ism--I'm being dunned up hill and dewn dale by my infernal creditors." " Oh, yon owe a large sum of money ?" " No, but a great many smaH sums, and <lebts are like children--the smaller they are the mora bother they are." TAKING MONEY Willi small Capital Making money by speculating in grain, pro­ visions and stocks is not the result of luck or chance, for the same common-sense principles secure success in this lino as in any other--that is, a perfect knowledge of the business, suffi­ cient capital and proper management of the deals. This has never been more thor­ oughly proven than in the case of the success of the Co-operation Funds handled by the well-known Chicago commission bouse of Flemming & Merriam. They are now operating a fund which during the past year has paid its shareholders hand­ some monthly dividends, and this fund now offers what certainly is the BAREST and most profitable opportunity for making money from the investment of small and medium amounts. The firm send explanatory circulars free. They also buy and sell for customers grain, provis­ ions and stocks on margins, and xleal in all kinds of BON^S and other investment securities. "WHICH of Shakspearu's plays do von like: Mr. O'Flannigan ?" •' Weli, I do like the Irish ones best." '• And which mav those L>E, Mr. O'Flannigan?" "Are you no IgnonrRt3athat, my son ? Sure, your education's been neglected. " Why, O'Thello, Corry O' Mtke Beth, and Kat Harine and Pat Iiuc Then and Now. ST. JOSEPH, Mo., May 17, 188L H. H. WABNER A CO. : Sirs--For A great many years 1 suffered from kidney disease. Nothing gave me relief. I finally tried vour Safe Kidney and Liver Cure and am now in perfect health. MKB. THOMAS KELLY. IT was Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, we believe, who, while waiting in a drug store for a pro­ scription, had his attention culled to a lad seated in a chair. " Tuat is mv son, sir; don't you think he looks liko mo V" " Well, yes." replied Uie wiity poet; " I think I can see some of your liniments in his face." fY DAVIS' 4 Pain-Bller AND SOU REMEDY fOt DiarrlMii, Scalds, Madi ANP HnMt, FOB BALE BT ALL DRUUtflSTH. HOs!iFE^ Above is an exact portrait at MRS. SARAH J. VAN BUREH DlSCOVULUL or preparation which is mmqualed fit* Purifying tht Blood and T*mmg > # Up tht Ftwtalt System, i ... LAMS' TONIC is wepared by Mn. Vn PifijL; mtoa Frank Un St., Buffalo, N. Y., and bash? «sed successfully by ladies for years. It is a mrtt fmre lOT nil Female Complaints, Low Fever, Ago*. Scrofula, Sick Headache, and mfl weaknesses CSined by thos« irrefularijies which mn so coas> •on to w omankind. This is 110 Patent Mtdicim* •ci is prepared by Mrs, Euren, after yeatses Sptrience, and reeommesded by her, u lfcp own it win give new life to a»y broken-dova, WBra-out or over-worked member cf hir sex. WTVRS AND MOTHK*« need tomething to aadbt Mturo in holding her own under the constat grain which is constantly dragging then dowm. Mrs. Van Buna answers all letters firm. Stti br Circulars. For sale by Dragghta. Wet, fi^opcr batdak In abundance.--85 Million pomda Imported last year.--prices lower than ever.--AccaSa wanted.--Don't waste time.--Send for circular. Good Black or Mixed, for Fine Black or Mixed, Choice Blade or Mix« for .for & Bend fnr pound sample, 17 ct«. extra for poattM» Then pet up a club. Choicest Tea In the worfaL-- largest, variety.--Please® everybody.--Oldest Tea House in America.--Ko cliromo.--Humlmgs-* Straight tmstnvss.---value for money. HOB'X WELLS, 14V-v.j SU,S.Y.»P.0.1lox ISSh '"•'SdiS P AGENTS WANTED FOR THE HISTORY" EWORLD I'LIIR* *JV( ,; 1 uielodmr a hi*. Greek and Koraan BLOATINO, headaches, nervous prostration and spinal weakness cured by Lydia E. Pink. ham's Vegetable Compound. "PA," asked Fogg's hopeful, "what kind of combs do they use to curry chickens with?" "Coxcombs," replied Fogg, promptly. Fogg Bays he believes in always answering a when yon can. A DELI head and a bilious M be best conquered by Kidney- WORT " DOES poultry pay ?" asked a stranger of a city dealer. "Of course," was the reply; "even the little chickens shell out." SKINNY Men. " Wells' Health Itenewer," restores health and vigor, enres Dyspepsia, Impotence, Sexnal Debility. $L. Druggist#. Send for pamphlet to E. 8. WELLS, Jersey City, N. J. MM. SARAH J. VAH BUBKN, whose portrait appears in another column of this paper, ia preparing a " Ladies'Tonic ' which has been NRED for years for enrins; those distressing com- plainis common to womankind- It can be bought of DRUGGISTS or by addressing Mrs. Van Buren at 192 Franklin street, Buffalo. N. Y.T who answers letters free. THOCSAXDS of infants and children die at this season of the year from Cholera Infantum or summer complaint. This fenrful disoase can be cured by I>,. WincheH'S Toothing Syrup, which never fails TO give imnie Hate relief,"even in the most severe cases. Soid B_v all DNIYGISTA PURE OOD-LIVKB OIL, from selected livers, on the seashore, L>y Caswell, Hazard & Co., N. Y. Absolutely pure and sweet. Patients who have once taken >t prelerit to all others. Physicians declare it superior to all other oils. ^ ̂ STOMACH _ 0* «ITTEBs The feeble and wiriilxt suffering (ran dyspepsia* ted gestlen in any form, are advised, for the sake of their e*rn bodily and mental comfort., to try Hostetter'a Stomach Bitten. Ladles of the most delicate otmitita* •Ion testify to Its harmless and Its restorative properties. Physicians everywhere, disputed with the adulterate* liquors of commerce, prescribe it as the safest and most reliable of all stomaohlcs. t»~ For sale by all Dragglsta aad Dealers generally. OPIUM EVERYONE MUSTC WIU Ret valuable information FltEK t>jr SENDING Xor circular to £. TOL liJllti, BOSTON, MASS. 3,000,000 CABBAGE PLANTS" V Jirly urd to I*ntvh Bnmihead*. Turnip 8e •il 'it all (li.. chiii"1 varirt*' • Warranted fresh Ermine. Sent, pos-tpaid, (Mi cents a pound. €. B, ««; 1'.KS>, Seedeman, 1B!S Morket St.. Ph.hdelphia, C A. REED & SONS' PIANOS' tVnhH Cnr-ori |n 10 ti>JOiff..va. III! I'nrcd, UK. 4. J-i'ii L..NJn.<:i. (JUU.. KntbraoiDg fvsi. - im i.m; mi t- lo« of ancient and mo-.iera I.DM • oty of the rite <ind fall i f tl.e tmplree, the atiddle a«ree, the omsedus, the feudal sye- I torn, the i»f irnistton, the discover* u>d eettteamOt at, the New World,et«., etc. It contains ST < fine historteal eacraTiiga, aad ie the j Most complete History of UM World erer pcbltetw*. INCREASE $10 YOUR CAPITAL. $20 WHEAT $50 STOCKS Investors of small and amounts in Grain, PROVISIONS and_ ISux'kB &3 fully protet-EtHl as rao&G EXTENSIVE RIM? i ullucutial operators. Oar SUCCESSFUL, lullv tried, oi«T ES­ TABLISHED plan. Try It. Report® Kcncwivi;iy.<'uvi DETI'da paid month­ ly. at once for explanatory circulars and past; record, FREE. Dividends paiil auringpast thirteen montlin on tins fund 9tM.71 nsr Share Ad.lroati FL.SMM1NG « AO.KKIAM, 141 A 148 USalk St.. Chicagc, HI. SiV W e want a local agent In every town. Excellent induce* incuts. Good pay to a respGosl- b!o. enterprising man. Writa lor terms. Wew BluUrsted Catakjjriss. 1881, sent free. Sroolal RS2k.A'2P,!LZ*!!!Fi? e,«r7 oomty. RKfitre fSUPLl OP lliSIC, ISO Siate St., CHICAOO. able sleep; effeotacareewhereallothen fail. AI rial eonvinemtkt mo* tkeptieal. Price ftf Employment for Lames. TlwQiMMk Chy Suspender Ceatpeny ef Ckfr daaati en aew maaafecturing sadinlrodudaa their aew SlerMes Sa»»erten for USaid CUMiea, aad their uaequaled Skirt S«»»ehii| fer USiet, aad waatnlleble lady stents to sell theai la every household. Our scents «*«»» I BMet with ready success and mske hsa*> salsrtee. Write at eace for terms* sa«S s» cure eadusire territory. Address fusee OtyleifiaSir CKOMUM.', 8M& • LssdlMT fiimkiaas meaaert these Saf»e(«s». «C8 EILRRT'8 DAYLIGHT LIVER TILLS are a relia­ ble remedy tor BILIOUSNESS, headache, constipa­ tion and liver diseases, and are the hepre­ ventive of fevers known. Sold by Druggists. THE Howe Scale took first premium at Phila- adelphia, Paris, Sydney, and other exhibitions. Borden, Selleck & Co., Agents, Chicago, III, PKE8EHVK your harness by using Un3le Sam's Harness Oil, which closes "tho pores, keeps ont dost or dampness, making it soft and pliabk. Sold by Harness Makers. CHATTED HANDS, face, pimples and rough skin cured by using Juuiper Tar Soap, made by Caswell, Hazard & Co., New York. HOISSKS, cattle, sheep and hogs are cured of distemper, coughs, colds, fevers and most other di sex SON by Uncle Sam's Condition Powder. Sold by Druggists. T»T the nsir brand, Spring Tobaooa fitmonr rut^iillve -make! ^ and will completely change the blood in tho tMifcire tmm in throe months. Any Demon who will take one pill MCb nig-ht ivi'Mx 1 to 12 week® rn'ij be restored aousid, health, if such a thing be possible. Sold everywhere ©.? •rat by mail for 8 letter stamps* I. H. CO„ formerly Bangor, Me. Wonderfully simpfe and pccftat to ttothmM* MAiepantinffqualitifla. Bare*jUXttwOnto«^|x ctsana It ready tor Market. BaasMaltr.M* Uracted durably, ftniabed hmnttfntiy trrssr Sfr* ana most economical and 8ATI87A0T0KV MACHINE HOW D BP O V lliWB B4i hantiie wot grain SJslSLJL as as dyy. ^ THRESHER timothy; deans ||i IIAM Mh samOa* wheat; requires 111 WHt M ^ e«c>t tbeslevei l?aa more square fleet of • and daanlnr mirfaoe than any other i not be overloaded. It la both orsrandi Our CLOTHS HC1XTNG ATTACHMENT (new and «ry desirablej 8EPAKATOR8of various aizes fitted for 8team or Bone-Power. Ika HX.WAIID, the PITTS and theWOODBUKlf Hene-Powen, as made by ns, areanexeeOed. * TILLWATERNoJO ENGINE Knapp's Ext. of Roots For Making Hoot Beer. A delicious nunnner drink. I>nur*iiit8, Root Beer Makers and Families will find this Kitrai t the best and Cheapest in tti<> market. Put in bo'i ea »t Xie, .Vic, $1.I'0, fi .SO, awl lu ll mi ffnil unnsat *4 ami truli, which mike respectively It), 25, 61, 2<Ni. «*i and 8 0 gals, ot beer. by Druggists. Depot, :i»i2 Hudson St., New York. MOKRISONTPLUMMKR A CO., Agent*. Chicago. Cylinder We also make tho STITJEJWATIHL NO. IS I MINNESOTA GIANT FARM ENGINES* saoh having' return-fine, and fitted for burning Straw, wood or ooaL Tfrase EngiBW are nmU finished la The Tn<»t perfect , TKACTIOII ATTACHMENTS can be furnished wttt any sff them. BT tor Prie»-LiM mmd Circutmn, addXSB ttBSCrsP FROM DEATH. William J.Coughlin.o/ Somerrille, Mass., says: In the fall of 1876 I was taken with bleeding of the 1 nngs, fol­ lowed by a severe cough. I lost my appetite and flesh, and was oonfined to my bed. In 1877 I was admitted to Uio hoepitaL The doctors said I liad a bole in my lung as big as a half dollar. At one time a report went around that I was dead- I gave np hope, but u friend toid me of OB. WIIXIAM HALL'S ron TEE LUNGS. I GOT a bottle, wh«r>, tc my surprise, I commenced to feel bet­ ter, and to-day I feel better than for thre3 years past. I write this hoping every one cted with diseased lunge will take OB. WILLIAM HALL'S BALSAM, and be con- Tinced VHATCOKSDURTION CAN BE CUBXN. 1 can posi­ tively say it has done more £ood than ail tlM other medi- atnaa I have taken eince uij siokneea. r KflHI/r lir&ICI I Al# tbem° E*" Tor Pric+Li* mui Circulwn. a«»MS I MAKE HENS LAY. seymour, sabin & ca An English Veterinary Surgeon and Cbejnist, now travel ng in this country, says tu;it most of the Iforx* and Cattle Powders sold here are wortuless tnsb. He •ays that Sheridan's Condition Powders are absolutely pure and immensely valuable. Notlnng on earth wul Bake hens lay I ke Sherid n*s Condition Powders. Dose, one teaspoontul to one p nfcof food. Sold everywhere,or tent by mail for 8 letter etampa. I.S. JOHNSON Boston, Mass., formerly Bangor, Me. ManufMturert. ItMwiw. MWm«* ' H V WOP One Dollar ft It to &9fl perdsrat bome. Samples worth $5 free. <PU l/U 9£U Address SIIKSON * CO., Portland, Ha. The Best Story Piiperin the West. AS oohnans of ordinal and choicely, e elected rending matter, printed upon large, plain fM"' Issued Weekly, and mtiled to any addicss iti the United St;iteg, postage paid, for irnc ilolutrii Vciir. Kv. iy r.ew subscriber sets a premium. Kt nd for sample copy. Address CHICAGO Lt.lii>£B, Chicago, IU. FRAZER AXLE GREASE. Best la lk« H'arld. G«! the seiteln*. Er. •rj saelcace ha* ssr Trade-murk aad ja •arksd rraasr's. SOLD KVEUl VVHUif : DOES IWONDERFUL CURESI IBMSW* It acta en tks LITER, BOWSXSl aad K10HEIS at tfcs aaais Urns. •MOM It els&BMs the system ofthapotMft-l loaa humors tbatdeTelope in Kidney and tTn-l •nary Diseases,Biliooaasas, Jansdisa, Oi"SI I Ipatlon.Pllea, or In RheuaatJaas, Neuralgia,! Ilferroua Disorders and .Tsiasls Oo--»lslnta. f CIARD.-A handsosie set of CARDS r<>. /ollectorB, So stamp. A. E. Babcock, Rochester, N.Y. tJCC s week In your own town. Terms and $5 outfit *wO fre». Address H. HAT.LETT A Co., Portland,M« VnilllG MPB roa want to learn Telegraphy In a IUUHO mEn few months, and be certain of a sit. nation, addrosa VALENTINE BROS., Janesrille, Wis, THIS NEW ELASTIC TRUSS Has • P*4 all ettarc, li NMkiN, wilk Bail limttf,miMfta itmlf to@11 •f lk« bodr, wklia th» r * * «s' ®79 A WEBK. $18 a day at home easily made. Costly • la outfit free. Address TELE A Co., Angosta, Me. A MONTH--AGENTS WANTED--90 best -- celling articles In the world; I samplp/r-o. Address Jay Bi uuton, Detroit, Mich. Si glh Is Iil4 wwsl) faysnS Bicki, istantalmaa IS Is sssy, Ssrskla sas sSsss. aast ky MU. flmlia ^ CulMUa Tnua CklotMLH. THRESHERS: s BesS ie 1k4 apest. litus-todprieelie! free. TO£ AULTMAN A TAYLOR CO..JUanafieid.a. Vn AND NOT M WEAR Ol'T. IT T*l>v Watchinaki'iv. By mall, 25cts. Circuiurs HjU FREE. J. S. BU4CH k CO.. 38 Dey St.. N.Y. WA\TK1)~A well-qnal fled Agent of gent'emftn'v address to represent our Company in this town and surrounding country. BusinetB permanent and e*ir 'or- din ij'cfinppns'ition Insured. Inclose st imp for terms. MACSETOS APPLIANCE t.'-O., 218, State St., Chicago, 111. ' USE N0NEBUT THE BEST, T H E G R E A T F A M i L V ^ I t„e W%\^^°R'G,NAL Kw V^concentratedLYE SOI D BY ALU GROCERS wLV^PENN'A.SALT MF G,Ca,PHIL& in WHAT VXOSIM StAT i B. Stork, of Junction City, ' .. Isays, Kidney-Wort oai-ed him after regular Chy-1 lalclans had been trylnc for four year®. . Mrs. John A mail, of WaahlaetoB. Obto, sayal lh«rborwaseiveiLiti'todle by fotir proawasBtI pb.Tiiclan# and tlmt lie waa afters ?.rd»esjad af I kidney-Wort M. M. B. Gosd»fis, editor In Cbardoa, OMOLI says he was not expected to U«a, bala* hlnafdl | bsyoud ballef, bill Kidney-Wort cured aim. Ansa I. Jarrett of South Mess, K. aayal I that seven ycara Buffering from kidney tmbl land other eoitipiicaUoas was saded by the as* I Kidney-Wort, John B. Lawreiies of Jaefesoa. Asa, soAsn • for ysskrsfrom li^er and kidney Iroablce aad •after taklos " l«rrela of «Usej? HMdlethSS^'" | Kidney-Wort samde hla well. •lehael Ooto of Moslsst.y Osntsr, TL. I suffered elBbt jem with htdaer dtfltevlty and I I was enable to work. Kldo«y-V¥«w WiiimJa htssl well aa e»er." KIDNEY-WORT PERMANCNTLY CURCS IKIDNEY DISEASES, LIVER COMPLAINTS,! IConstipation and Piles. I IVlt Ispn " ~ ~ I dn cans, one I of medieina. Also ia ' • -j®* v DISEASES Of THE URW0-8ENITAL ORGANS, Bloutl. Lisar, Lunss, He'irt, Kidneys, Jfei vps. Catarrh^ BrowihitiB. Dyspepsia, Piles. Hheumat'sai. Eirly Destj, female Weakness and ell Caronio Diseases speedily aad psnamnently cured. Book fire®. Write tor advioo. UB. 8. T. W to K KB. Mas. iM. Bnffn"v. a. V. AGENTS! AGENTS! A'GEXTSI GEN. DODGES' bran' new book, jutt pvbiuAed, entitled THIRTY-THREE YEARS AMONG OUR WILD INDIANS is the grandest duaux ever altered to you. Introduction by BEN. miEKMAV ThiiS*}*rbtn rUxrtrxited. ̂ ItrWctesasaa TkriUing work outsells all others l« to 1, and is the fastat aeUme book ever published. AceatsaTen^e l«taMsrderaa Jny. Cj-aOlh t/unmmd »pram. It sells tths «M-tn. KnHlSm AVBNT8 WANTED. bcWs "it Is put up la Dry Tetetshli Farsa h i psckap of which makeasU qaans .. Alsota IJ41M Farm, very C • eastratad, for thaaa tfaat maao% raadily 1 | para it. XW It net* tclth <4tiaJ (a tthsr «IT IT AT THE DRI GQISTU. FOICE. •!.« WILLS. KICUAIiDKOXAC*.. Prop's. I fWllt send the dry poss-pald.) ar»Ll>«TO*. nr. My war tram Maratt wasr<M. 5|A If M *MI I Uluiu* MMSkM**. Swtaf CTS Wad,, m w TUK*%ITsTftHW«S> •>« Tiaoairs isa asm I aksfnM S»»»n> tumii »ka »«s MtfSS TS? Uft. SsalONLI Uiewn M I WHKN WK113HU TO A! to sbta'fwSwr* 3>M ww a-- 'Sa#