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ppllpp JfSf5 I. VAN SLTKf, Editor and PKMMIW. ( g , i » , ; * v > » ' / * • ' " " T C I I HfMPi-IP^V'P •'!i. •'WPL li 1 ".' -f IPS MCHENRY, ILLINOIS THE BLOSSOMS ON THE TRKilS. O the b'ossoni!*, rrhito and bine, *, Purple |'ink, and < Torv hue, Ffcmn stitfny nicies to tintltun droWnM In dusky d ops of rtiw! .-«• O ye bloss m-^ • n t he trwn, • With vour b eath upon the breeze,, UfcerC's nr>th nsr all i he wo Id i AH htlf as sweet as you! J. * #1 •«•«* il^S* Coild the rhymer only wrhjg « Allt e sweetness to he .epg 0~ All the k 88* s cluntertnif * . In juicy u«e-to-bes, <-t.. B*«o W d p hi*rlumes as l ting**? • ft Ol theb.o «i>ms on the trees." "O ^e b'ossoma on th trees." , He would iwl ter, till', nW# coo, * •> *» " And singing say--"s ch n< nits ua tft^se j J Ate not as sweet, as you,-- „ ,, Fd- yon ate I loom'nit melodfti" The eye may 1 if ten to!" •Vanwi Whitcomb liiley. • • £ . _ i s -- , i ECHOES. jOttMmt when-Kven'e radii ftgfit «>. floats f 0m the crest f distant Avd over rrionrland wa-st • ana era ; Awe ry, voicrless sorn AV b oods; Atound me hover to and fro 1 '<* .'. The ghost of songheaid lonxa«o.», • « And often midst the rush of wheels, ' Of passing and r.j'jra ng leet, A *u' r When hal H head 1 >ng cit y ree « * *»:* Triumphant down th • noontide Above the.umult ot he throngs 1 h«a again the same Oud son^H. 11 < &.. Re«t and Unrest--'tin strings that ye, • Whif lie ap r as j olo ft m nolo, " * Sho ld way with one string s vgraigQty The mcret 1-su e of th FOUI; Strange that y both shou d hqltl Ihekeya. Of prisoned tfcntler memories. It mav be when the landscape'* rim 1 Is red and s U nberous round the west, Tne spirit :oo gr »s *t 11. nd dim in . And turns n hulf uncrmso ons finest To those forgot en lullabies .* * That whilom closed the lufant's eyes. And mayb\ when the city *' J ' Ro r-< with its fnl est, 1 ude* /lidi?"' Tlie spint loses hi> m and i ha t. And o an instant, tori tflej. » « . . Ha tied across t he • pace of years i, ,t f •* To notes th.it ban shed clii dhood's iears. •r We know not--!>ut 'ti* sweet to kti'W • Dead itou s st 11 haunt t be li < log 4%y,. -i- And s/.eet io ti p that, when the sldw» : Sure message l>eck ns us away, " ' " Th pest may s nd som<j tune nl breath , To echo round t ie bed of d.-a.M. - x« **Chamberfi' Journal i • r# How 6ERONIMO WAS CAPTURED. Si. J Geronimo. or Hieronfimo, as some of H»e newspapers print tbe name, is one of the renegade Apache chiefs, perhaps the most warlike of them all, in pursuit whom Gen. Cook made 1'is w<»der- *ti march into the Sierra Madre la few mouths since. He has been many times a prisoner, but has contrived to escape jtistice and .resume his bloody raids «pon the settlers of Arizona and So- , «ora. June, 1876, he was with the Chin- Ifpluta |Mtche* ia sonthreastcm Arizo­ na, when the Iddian agent came to re­ move them to the great San Carlos reservation. But Geronimo, after iisk- ing for an official pa»s and promising to Come to San C arlos, fled with two other led chiefs, c/a/tand No I gee, into Sonora. In April, 1877, he was taken prisoner at the Hot Springs Agency in New Mexico and carried to San Carlos, where he was kept in irons until July. Then he was allowed the liberty of the reservation, and soon escaped again, and was next heard of on the war -path in Sonora. Eighteen moaths later, he jguneadered to the military officer at Sort John A. Backer, where he was kept <ks a prisoner of w ar until he was trans- i4|ac*ed to Ban Carlos. Probably the •ffifcials failed to recognize his restless J>irit and craftiness, for he was given ie liberty of the reservation the second me. When, in the spring of 1881, the in­ competence of the Indian agent ana the blundering of the military caused what ie known as the Cibicu massacre. Oeronimo fled from the reservation With other Apaches; and since then his ttame has been a synonym for bloodshed f d hjrroT until Gen. Crook's martial pedition into Mexico. When I was in New Mexico a few months since, I heard the story of how Geronimo was captured, at * the Hot Springs Ageney in 1877, from the lips of his courageous eaptor, Indian-Agent Clum--the same , efficient officer who, from 1874 to 1877, brought togetfier more than four thousand wild Apaches at San Carlos without the' loss of a •ngle life. * r In March, 1877, it was found thai the Sf j° Caliiente. or Hot Springs, reserva- Hon, in Southern New Mexico, had be- <pme a harbor or refuge for renegade Apaoiies. Geronimo, Gordo, Francesca, ; a»d Fonca were thera There/too, was Victoria who, in 1879 and 1880, led the boldest and most murderous raids ever known in New Mexico. .He was killed Ijj^Gen. Terrasaa w t Old Mexico io It was the custom of renegodias to f in the marauding Cliincahuas on teir forage in Sou thera Arizona- ami Id Mexico. _ Then they came back to ;f|(he Hot Springs, and as the agent was finable to control them, they recruited Ihemselves with government supplies "for fresh deeds of robbery and biood- ihed. The Legislature of Arizona had, In 1876, appropriated $10,000 for eqvup- ting a company of Indian police to uni down Geronimo and Juli. Never­ theless, these crafty freebooters rer mained unscathed. ^ r. So in 1877, Agent Clum received or- <|ers from the Indian Department to . take a company of h fc own Indian police, :§>roceed to the Southern Apache A gen Cy at the Hot Springs, 350 miles to tlie eastward from San Carlos, and to break tip this nest,of robbers. This was not a pleasant errand, considering the char *cter of the men whom Agent Clum bad to deal with; put it, waahis duty to <>bey orders. Takiag abaut 100 Indian police, he started on the journey oterfMbiy Jdeserts and through rocky passes, to the He*, Springs in New Mexico. But he arrived only to find himself iii ^ » dangerous plight Gen. Hatch had . ordered eight companies of cavalry into l ithe field, and Agent Clum had arranged jl^,. 'that Maj. Wade, in command, should meet him at tbe Agency on April 20th,, with three companies. But instead, ? there was a message from Maj. Wade, paying, that he would not be able to ai- rive for three days. . » % Clum fonnd himself in a predicament, 'for he knew that if his party remained . waiting for Maj. Wade and the cav- * airy, the renegades would learn of their Elffteance and escape. On the ©tlar ajod, there were about five hundred f;Apaphes on the reservation; and if he attempted to make arrests and failed tgfare "fronld be a bloody fight, which might end in the massacre of himself aod bis'followers. Yet he felt that it waaNecessary for him to make every . effoct to oarry out his orders; and in j tbe Aft^mopn he rodenp to the Agency buiMhngs, accompanied by twenty po- lioe, leaving the main bodv encamped ton miles away. Tbi#e mile» from the anotherdiretion,.Geronimo, Victoria, and the other renegades were in camp. Their spies at once told t em that ouly twenty meu had come to the Agency, and supposing Hint these wore all, they felt secure and defiant But as soon as night had '.alien. Agent Clum sent a message to his police to come to the Agency before daylight His faith­ ful Indians reached him about four in the morning, and they were hiddtii in ja large Commissary buil.ling, fronting {upon the plaza, or parade ground. At daylight Agent Clum sent a cour­ ier to the camp of Geronimo and Vie: ftfiio, asking them and tho other rene- mdes to come to the Agency for a (council, presently about one hundred Warriors rode up. Their faces were hideously streaked with the colors of the war-paint. They were completely armed with..rifles, needle-guns, spe irs, and bows. Geronimo, Victoria, Nana, Looo, Gordo, and Pionsenay rode proudly at their head. They dismount­ ed and gatheted in a semi-circle about ttae parade-ground. On the povch. facing them, stood Agent t lum with his twenty police on either side. Geronimo and the other most desperate chiels stalked forward and seated themselves on the porch, expecting to intimidate Mr Clum by their near presence. Their looks were black, threatening, and defiant They jelt that tlie litile party wa4 in their power, and it needed Lut a word to bring on a fieroe attack. Agent Clum ehowed no arms; Lut as he stood on the porch, one hand rested on a revol­ ver in his-side pocket. This was train­ ed directly «|>on Geronimo^ wlio had crowded np so close that he could al­ most touch him. Such was the situation when Clum began to speak. He said: *1 have come a long way to talk with yon. If yon are careful, none of you will be hurt." Sc;ofniul and der'sive was the reply of ti,o Indian chiefs. "Neither will you b^liurt," they said, "if you take good care of yourself." Then they be­ gan to handle their arms in a way that meant danger. Agent Clum gave a signal, and sud­ denly the door of the commissary build­ ing opened, an t the reserve of Indian police )>oured out upon the parade- ground and surrounded the renegade warriors. * The latter now sat in silent amazement. They had believed that there were only * twenty police with Cium. and now they saw a force larger than th^ir own coming from the build­ ing ̂ nd encircling them. Some ot the warriors attempted to slink away; but the chief of the police, a brawny, dare­ devil South Carolinian, who had been a scout during the war, raised his rifle to cover them, and ordered them to oome back. With a shrill scream a squaw spraug forward, as he drew up his gun, and threw her arm-* about him. But he shook her off and reiterated his com­ mand. Sixty or seventy of the police had by this time appeared in sight, and Victoria called out to his follower* to wait and hear what there was to be said to them. Agent Clum repeated his warning: "If yon are cautious, no one will be hurt." The Indians were too thoroughly cowed to make another insolent reply. Clum then went on to say: *T am un­ armed, and the chiefs whom I meet in council shonld be unarmed, also." With that he stepped forward and took the rifles away from the chiefs near him; they yielded, after some protesta­ tions. Agent Clum now turned to Geronimo and said, "I met yon a year ago at Apache Pass. You promised to come in to the San Carlos resesvation, and you asked for a pass. But you did not come." Geronimo sullenly replied, "I was afraid to return.* "Yes; but you went on the war-path ia Sonera," said Agent OInm. Geronimo had nothing to say. Clum oontinUed, speaking very pleas­ antly, "You are my friend, Geronimo; I like your company, and I will keep yom with me. You can get up and go to the 'guard-hcuse." At this Geronimo sprang to bis feet and drew himself up to his full height of over six feet. Underneath his buck­ skin shirt, sash, and mantle, a violent tempest was raging. He trembled with passion. His fiery eyes shot forth glances of hate and defiance. His nos­ trils quivered convulsively at his short, quick breaths. Every muscle of his brawny, powerful frame Vas tense and rigid. For an instant he towered above the others, while his splendid form, eagle nofee, high cheek-bones, and piercing eyes, made him seem the typ­ ical Apache warrior--the embodiment of Indian wrath and vengence. For this instant he was indecisive. Shak­ ing with passion as he was, he half re­ solved to draw his knife, strike down the agent, and cut right and left, until iie died. Agent Clum stood calmly waiting, ppparantly unarmed, but with the re­ volver in his pocket pointed directly at the chief, keenly watching his every movement. Geronimo's nervous, sinewy fingers stole toward the hilt of the knife that hung in his belt Agent Clum's hand had almost pressed the trigger ef hie pistol, when the chief of police, who had been standing behind Geronimo, leaped forward, and seizing the knife, snatched it from his belt. Geronimo looked around and saw sthat he was powerless. All about him and around the others stood the police with ready rifles. Slowly his frame re­ laxed. Sallenly he bowed his head and suffered himself to be taken to the iguard-hou^e. There he was heavily ironed. The other chiefs were cowed into submission. A few days later, Geronimo and the other chief rene- padefi were carried, in chains, to San Carlos.--J. R. W. Hitchcock, in Youth's Companion. Hid Not Succeed. It takes two to make a slander--one to listen^th*ofcber to report If man­ kind would act as a Russian general once did. the race of scandal-mongers would die of enforced idleness. A liussian once tried to tell Skobeleff of certain scandalous reports al out him. "One of your officers,he began, "is spreading lies about you.. May 1 give you his name?" "No, no; not a word," answered the general, sharply. "My officers fought like heroes. I love them. One word of mine was sufficient for their going to death." When the Bussian, thus silenced, had left the room. Skobeleff called hia servant, and asked: "Did you notice well that face?" "Yes, general." "If so, then remember for that man I am never at home, never! Do not forget my order!" A AGRICULTURAL. cbimESPONDEHT of the American Dairyman asserts that he believes that one of the best butter cows is the cross between Suffolk Poll and the Jersey. NATUBE takes as much pains in the forming of a beggar as an emporox. TBEE-PLAKTINO ON FABMS. -- The Germmtown Telegraph insists that the idea is a wrong; one that the ad­ vantages of tree-planting cannot be en­ joyed by the farmer himself, for it will require only twenty years to realize the most liberal hopes of success. It will add to the immediate value of the land to have it known that the timber on it is not to diminish but increase. At least your children will be greatly benefitted by your planting of trees, and this shonld be a great considera­ tion. If your farm is nearly stripped of timber, you cannot get ont any bet­ ter life insurance policy than a few acres of young, healthy trees. CCRE FOB CABBAGE PESTS.--Those who raise cabbages had better make a note of the following for use at the time. It is a means of destroying cab- ba e worms, given by a gentleman who tried it: "The remedy consists M pro­ curing smart-weed, or pepper-weed, as it is sometimes called, well-known to all farmers, growing in aryl about farm­ yards, or sometimes by the roadside. Take the weed green, and dry it thor­ oughly, so that it can be reduced to powder, which sprinkle over the young plants, or when the worms begin to ap­ pear; it will also prevent injury from black fleas that sometimes infest the plant Possibly, if the smart-weed was boiled in water, and that sprinkled on the plants it would serve the same pur­ pose." CIDER VINEGAR. giv.en as the French method of hasten­ ing the conversion of cider into vinegar: "Scald three barrels or casks with hot water, rinse thoroughly and empty. Then scald with boiling vinegar, rolling the barrels and allowing them to stand on their sides two or three days until they become thoroughly saturated with the vinegar. The barrels are then filled about one-third full with strong pure cider vinegar and two gallons of cider added. Every eighth day there­ after two gallons of cider are added until the barrels are two-thirds full. The whole is allowed to stand fourteen days longer, when it is found to be good vinegar, and one-half of it may be drawn and the process of filling with cider be begun again. In summer the barrels are allowed to stand exposed to the sun and in cold weather where the temperature is 80 degrees." THE WAV OF IT.--One who observes the habits of sheep and'eows in a pas­ ture will notice how they prefer some parts of a field, eating the ground there quite bare, and neglecting other parts. There is a reason for this. Sheep pre­ fer a hillside and generally the shortest herbage. Cows prefer higher ground, and will go over and over a hill slope, leaving the low land at the foot The reason for this may be found if one plants such land in sorgum and use the crop for making syrup or sugar. It will then be found that the eane grown on these hillsides is much richer in su­ gar, and the sap is much sweeter than that grovfn on the low flat The same is true of grapes in a hillside vineyard, of fruit in a hillside orchard, and straw­ berries on sloping ground. It is rea­ sonable to suppose, if all these products of the soil are sweeter when grown upon the hillside, that grass will be, and that this will account for the pref­ erence of the cows and sheep. Again, tbe best dairy districts are those of hilly countries, and no doubt this, too, is because of the richer qualities of the herbage grown upon the hill slopes. RAISING POTATOES UNDER STRAW.-- From my experience in raising pota­ toes under straw, writes a correspond­ ent of The Indiana Farmer, I believe they could be raised in this way suc­ cessfully, and save the labor of culti­ vation. I had a small plot of ground broken and worked mellow. Kich compost was worked into the soil. The potatoes were planted by first Tunning a small furrow, and then dropping the seed pieces in this furrow every eight inches, and covered by running anoth­ er furrow, throwing the soil in the first, and then seed dropped in this, and BO on until finisheh. The ground is now covered with straw six or eight inches deep. I w aited until I thought they should be coming up, and then I exam­ ined them. I found that the moles had ruined my patch. The compost that had l»een worked into the soil en­ ticed earthworms, and the moles, in hunting for the worms, had eaten all the seed. At least none came up. The next spring I concluded to pland in a different way. I had my ground broken up deep, working a rich and well rotted compost thoroughly in the soil. The soil was fnow leveled and smooth. The seed pioces were planted on top of the soil in straight lines ten inches apart, and eight inches apart in the lines. The whole was then covered with about six or eight inches of straw. I found the moles would raise the soil some, but did not molest the potatoes any. I find that a liberal sprinkling of unleached ashes about twice during the growing season is of great advantage. Many vines when stretched up measured five feet, and the tubers were the finest I ever raised. POULTRY RAISING.--The suggestion cannot be too frequently offered to farmers as to the expediency and profit- aideness of raising more poultry--at least, twice as much as they are now doing. The business, if properly con­ ducted, would bccoino one of the* most lucrative branches upon the farm, espe­ cially when within easy-reaching dis­ tance of tho Philadelphia or other good markets. It ought to be known to all American farmers the extent to which the business is prosecuted in France, where from a careful estimate, it is found that the annual sales of poultry and eggs last year amounted to between $80,000,000 and $90,000,000, which would, if equally divided among the entire population, give to eaeh between $2 and $3. When it is considered that this is a branch of farming industry that can be managed entirely by women and children, and requires vrtry little capital, the wonder is that it is not prosecuted to twice the extent it is. The chicken-house should be inex­ pensive, but roomy, well ventilated and cleanly. Every part of tho food can i e supplied by the offals of the farm, crarden, and house, and the time re­ quired need not be taken from the nec essary working of the farm, and would really not be felt as a part of the farm labor. Besides, there would be an ab­ solute p'e isure in raising fowls of every kind, even pigeons, tho squabs of which h 11 at the very high price of from 40 cents to 50 cents per brace. As to the li«pos>tl of poultry in the markets, who hus ever known of a surplus or of its t>eiiyr sacrificed for want of customers? It isTrtto that upon very large fa'-ms poultry raising is looked upon as being in the wav and not worth the trouble; >ut as a rule it is only upon such farms, %nd but a small portion of them, where h s really pleasant pastime is not en- oyed and the products of it quietly uid cheerfully put in tbe pockets of the mother and children, where it will be ever ready to meet the many neces­ sary and indispensable personal out- l*ya.---Germantoicn Telegraph HOUSEKEEPERS' HELP* DOUGHNUTS.--One pint of sour miik, two eggs, one cup of sugar, o^e-half teaspoonful of soda, lard size of an egg, OttAtr. SAI.I*IC LUWH.--Three tablespoonsful of butter, two tablespoonsful of sugar, one cup of milk, three cups of flour, two eggs, one teaspoonful each cream tartar and soda, PICKLED BLACKBERRIES.--Nine pounds of berries, one pint of vinegar, three pounds of sugar; scald the berries in sugar, then skim them out, add the vinegar, boil down as thick as desired. CLEAR SOUP.--Four pounds of beef, one half gallon of water, boil slowly eight hours; skim and strain, then odd two onions, three stalks of celery, salt and pepper and boil twenty minutes and strain. POACHED EGGS.--Fill a frying pan with bciling water, add a little salt and vinegar. Break eggs one at a time, in­ to a wet saucer; slip upon the surface of the water, cook siowlv three minutes. Take up with a skimmer. BOILED SPICE PUDDING.--Gne cup of molasses, two cups of water or one cup of milk, one cup of suet chopped fine or one-half cup of butter, one cup of raisins, four cups of flour or three and Tki» • i on® half cups when milk is used, one The following is teaspoonful of soda, spice to taste. CHICKEN SOUP.--One chicken jointed, two and a half pounds of beef cut in strips, two onions, two turnips, one- half cup of sago, pepper and salt; chop onions and turnips; put all to boil in seven quarts of water. Take out meat and put into a jar. Strain soup through a sieve. Cook two hours more. SLIP-COAT CHEESE.--Take two quarts of new milk from the cow, and add to it one pint of cream; put to them a tablespoonful of. prepared rennent, and when the milk has become a firm mass break up the curd well, separating it from the whey with your hand; then put it under the pressure of a four- pound weight, the cheese being wrap­ ped in a clean, wet cloth, turn it once in two hours in a wet cloth, and when you have turned it three times, strew a little salt upon it, and so keep it turned everp two hours in a wet cloth all day, and at night turn it into a dry cloth; the next morning take it out, and lay it in vine leaves, changing the leaves twice a day till you find it fit to eat, which is usually in eight or ten days. FRUIT CAKE.--One pound of sifted flour, one pound of sugar, one pound of butter, one teacupful of molasses, one tablespoonful each of ground cloves, cinnamon, mace, and nutmeg, two gills of brandy, ten eggs, whites and yolks beaten separately, four pounds of rai­ sins stoned and chopped, four pounds of currants, washed and dried, one pound of citron cut in thin slips, one teaspoonful of soda dissolved in a little warm water. Cream the butter and add the sugar and yolks of eggs; add half the flour, then the whites, and the re­ mainder of the flour with the spices and molasses. Stir in the fruit, which should have been lightly dredged with flour and bake in deep pans very slowly for*four hours. At least three layers of thick paper should be in the pans, and tbe top of the loaves must be kept cov­ ered to prevent burning. This long, slow baking is the chief point on which depends tbe biack effect desired. Macanlay'g Opinion of Himself. "I have written," he wrote with great candor to Macvey Napier, "several things on historical, political and moral questions, of which, on the fullest re­ consideration, I am not ashamed, but by which I should be willing to be estimated. But I have never written a page of criticism on poetry or the fine arts which I would not burn if I had the power. I leave it to yourself to make the comparison. I am sure that on reflection you will agree with me. Hazlitt used to say to himself: 'I am nothing it' not critical.' The case with me is directly the reverse. I have a strong and acute enjoyment of great works of imagination; but I have never habituated myself to dissect them." No less sound was his estimate of his great history. A fortnight before its publication he wrote in his dairy: "The state of my own mind is this: When I compare my own work with what I imagine history ought to be I feel de­ jected and ashamed; but when I com­ pare it with some histories which have a high repute I feel reassured." At a subsequent stage of the publication he writes: "I dawdled over my book most of the day, sometimes in good, some­ times in bad spirits about it. On the whole, I think that it must do. The only competition, so far as I perceive, it has to dread is that of the two former volumes. Certainly no other history of William's reign is either so trustworthy or so agreeable." The following entry is interesting: "I looked through 's two volumes. He is, I see, an imitator of me. But I am a very unsafe model. My manner is, I think, and the world thinks, on the whole a good one; but it is very near to a bad manner, indeed, and those characteristics of my style which are most easily copied are the most questionable."--ChamiberJ Jour­ nal. The Wise Doctor. "Why doqp this man smile?" ' Bee inse he is a doctor." "Is the doctor's trade a smiling busi- r.e«iV* "Not on the average, but this doctor has got the bulge on a dozen of his worst cases." "Has he hired tliein to commit sui­ cide?" "It's about thcrsianio thing. He has advised that tall, slim man with a hack­ ing cough to go to Florida-" "And he will get well of consump­ tion?" "Well, nothing will ail him when he returns--nothing but being dead." "What did he advice the man with catarrh?" "To go to Colorado. Funerals are very cheap out there." "And where will this man whfe is tied in a knot with rheumatism go ?n "Oh, he sends him off to the Hot Springs, instead of permitting him to die at home." "The fonrth man looks sad. Isn't he p:oing anywhere?" "Yes; he is to make a trip to Europe to cure hisBright's disease. That is, lie wi l die in New York and come back in a box. My boy. in case you learn the doctor's trade and ret hold of a difficult case, send the patient away for change of air." You don't run the risk then of being sent for to see * him ex­ pire.--M. Quad. COOLNESS, and absence of beat and haste, indicates fine qualities. A gen­ tleman makes a lady is serene. --Emernon. JOSH BILLINGS ON HUMORIST?. The Work of the Atnfiioiui Wits and N«vi! paper Fanny Men. "America is full of humor," said Mr. Billings, "and yet a great deal of it is false humor, it has no purpose. The Danbury Mews man is played out be­ cause he had no purpose at the bottom of his articles. All humor must have tru h at tho bottom. Humor is, in fact a mixture of truth and pathos. True humor will never die. Humor in the best sense is short lived. The funny articles in American newspapers are but drollery. I never write a para­ graph without a purpose. I desire to benefit mankind. That is why my say­ ings are always adressed to men and about men. Infidels are my greatest aversion. I am intensely religious, though I have no creed. I can talk to any man except one who believes nothing. I always take every occas­ ion to attack infidels. They destroy without building up. The deviP liim- self did not deny God, but only rebell­ ed. I have often said I would rather be an idiot thaD an infidel, because if ah idiot I'd know that God made me so; if an infidel that I made myself so," "You have met most of the American humorists?" ? "Eighteen years ago I sat atlhe din* ner table with a remarkable set of wits and humorists. Heury Clapp, George Arnold, O'Brien, Mortimer Thompson (Doesticks,) Dawson Shandley, Robert Newel (Orpheus C. Kerr,) and Charles F. Browne (Artemus Ward). All died destitute with the exception of Kerr, who is living. Another set that I din­ ed with once is Bret Harte, Mark Twain, Lewis, of the Detroit Free Press, and Burdette, of the Hawkeije They are all living and doing well. "What is your opinion of these living humorists ?" "It is hard to judge humor, and I have paid little attention to their writings. Still, as my limited knowl­ edge of them goes I will answer. Bret Harte's humor? Bret made a point in his 'Heathen Chinee,' al­ though the scheme of the two sharpers being taken in by a third apparently innocent man, is old. I have never read much of Bret Harte's works, but do not think him of the highest order of humorists. Nothing ever equaled the humor of Mark Twain's descrip­ tions. He is, in fact, the greatest de­ scriptive humorist America lias produc­ ed. Lewis does not commend my high­ est admiration. He shows great tact, and often produces a very praiseworthy bit of humor. Burdette I enjoy very much. Ha has a purpose in his humor and is very pathetic besides. True humor is always allied to pathos. He might be called the pathetic humorist of America." "Is Peck's bad boy genuine humor?" "It is a species of, though a poor species, of humor. You read one arti­ cle and you know the bad boy. It is an exaggeration and lacks a principal contituent of humor--sense. Nonsense that is not based on sense soon pall." lDo you think that the American newspaper humor possesses the quality of sense ?" Not generally. The reason why so many 'funny men' spring up and dis­ appear is because of this very lack. A person will laugh at a ridiculous thing and then be ashamed of himself because he laughed, if he finds no truth in the story. True wit and humor never make you laugh, at least at first You see the truth in it, and then the riciculous side strikes you after­ ward." "Then you think the outlook for American humor is not bright ?" "On the contaary. 'John Phoenix* was the founder of the American school of drollery, of which Artemus Ward was the greatest light The newspaper humor is of that school, only the writers have exaggerated the exaggeration of the scho 1 to a nause­ ous extent, losing sight of the main ob­ ject of humor, to inculcate a moral or physical truth. Still, once in a while, I come across a newspaper paragraph that is really humorous." Do Mark Twain and kindred hu­ morists display their humor in conver­ sation ?" By no means. That is a popular mistake. Humorists are the saddest and soberest fellows. Humor is pure thought. After you have your thought you can twist it in any ridicu­ lous shape you like. Mark Twain does not know how to laugh, and Nasby never laughed in his life." "Does humorous writing pay ?" "Not to day. Before Artemus Ward no humorist made any money. He made some. I followed and have made money. But the profitable days of humor are past. I can remember when I would get $100 a week for writing a few paragraphs for one pa­ per. Now I could not get one-third of that. If a young man thinks he is go­ ing to get rich by becoming a humorist he is mistaken." The Ile*t Side of the Face. Do you know that after twenty-five years' experience under tho skylight," said a photographer, "and after photo­ graphing over 147,000 persons, I have become convinced that in nineteen eases out of every twenty the left side of the face gives the most characteristic likeness, wliilo to the same degree the right side is the mo t symmetrical? When the Brvant testimonial was being prepared ten representative Americans gave me sittings, and in every case the left side gave the most characteristic or strongest likeness. Those ten were, besides Bryant, Willis, Evarta, Ban­ croft, Huntington, Boker, Stoddard, Baker, Bayard Taylor, Crancli, Tucker- mac.--New York Tribune. Much Ado Abont Nothing. "Did you ever hear 'Much Ado About Nothing?'" asked an amateur Thespian of a Brooklyn friend. "Think I did," was the answer. "Where!" "At Haverlv's Theater." "Who took the leading roles?" •'Two ladies in the seat behind me." "Twoladies in the seat behind you?" "Yes, they talk<>d about syring styles the whole evening."--Brooklyn Eatjle. A Wood Play in' Hand. "Can you write a good plain hand?" asked the advertiser of one of his nu­ merous applicants. "Oh, yes, sir," was the replv. "Well, let's^see it," said the merchant. The man sat down, and in a few minutes handed the merchant the following: "A trood play n' hand --the joker, right and left bowers, noo. and king of trumps." That applicant was engaged.-- Washington Hatchet. EIGHTY years a -o North C arolina had as many Representatives in Congress as New York. North Carolina now has nine, or one less than she had in 1800 while New York ha1* thirty-four. ' INTEGRITY IS eviriiia which works ftnd needs no customer. Comparat T« Cost of Living. For a number of years past there baa been a general and gradual increase of personal and household expenses in families of all degrees of wealth and Bocial standing. One by one new wants have ari-en, making new and larger de­ mands upon the resources of the pock­ et In no other particular is the con­ trast between the present and the past greater or more marked tha^ in the style and cost of living. The plain, simple, but substantial iftfo of tlio olden. timH* bfts Ikhml gtt* perceded by the production of viands and costly dishes which almost rival the famous feasts of pagan antiquity, when to eat drink and carouse con­ stituted one of the prinoipal objects of life. Is this increase simply a result of reckless and thoughtless extravagance on the part ot the people? or is it one or' the enevitable necessities growing out of an advanced civilization? It is usually attributed to the former cause, but a little reflection will convince al­ most any mind, we think, that the last- mentioned cause is really the more po­ tent of the two. The word civilization may be taken t^JBxpress or embody the combined ue- sufts of intellectual and moral growth. The simplest form of life is the nomadic or w andering stage of development _ The desert Arab, the American In­ dian, as he was before the advent of the white man on this continent, the uneducated p asantry in parts of Europe, and the natives of Africa, may be instanced as examples of class. Their range of thought and desire ia exceedingly limited, their tastes simple and their wants few. A tent or rude hut for habitation, garments enough to shield tliem from climatic changes, a dog or horse for serv ce and compan­ ionship, and some kind of weapon for hunting and fighting, constitute about all they need or caie for as means Or instruments of life. To eat, sleep, hunt, and go to war make up their prin­ cipal occupations; Of course, the cost of living in this primative stage of development is ex­ ceedingly small. The existence and use of money with such people are either unknown or very much restrict­ ed. But take any one of these cla ses designated and bring th^m up into a higher state of civilization, and their personal household expenses will at once begin to multiply in exact propor­ tion to their elevation or advancement The philosopy of such a movement would seem to be that the physical nature of mankind everywhere strives to keep pace with the improvement in the upper departments of being. As new light and knowledge flow in­ to the brain and expand and quicken the feelings, these internal forces of life seize upon flieir lower and external concomitants and pull them up to their owu new level. Consequently, new and varied phys­ ical wants arise, wants in regard to eat­ ing and clothing, which necessitate an increased expenditure. And thus the cost of living multiplies with the area of intellectual acquirement and cultiva­ tion of finer and nobler feelings in the heart. There is, no doubt, a great deal of unnecessary and wasteful extravagance in the prevailing methods of American household life, but all of the present increased cost of living cannot be laid to that account A part of it is the in­ evitable result of our present ad­ vanced civilization. The range of hu­ man wants is legitimately much great­ er now than fifty or a hundred years ago. The external must try at least to keep up with the internal in develop­ ment and progress. And this fact makes poverty tenfold more harsh and unbearable than ever, and makes labor­ ers strike for higher wages because they cannot meet the multiplied de­ crease in this respect until absolute want compels it As long as people can have what they want they will in some way manage to procure it or go to ruin in the effort.--Chicago Jour­ nal A Parisian Salon. A matter of continual surprise to an Englishman who has the luck to gain admittance to a French salon is the truly catholic range of the matters that will come under discussion. There is no subject that a Frenchman will not discuss seriously, and think it is to his profit to do so, with a Frenchwoman. It might almost be said that there is no serious subject that in London a man will discuss thoroughly with a woman; for, as a rule, he does not hold that he- will increase his stock of ideas by giv­ ing himself the trouble. In Paris, men, wtiether from vanity or from other rea­ sons, talk their best when ladies are their auditors, and they assuredly seek the society of women- far more from sympathy with their minds than from admiration of their outward attractions. Esprit, which is not wit, but has been defined as that "quick perception which seizes the ideas of others easily and re­ turns ready change for them," is, in truth, what men most prize in women, and, while the mind lasts, not lessened by age. It has been frequently remarked how in their old age French men and women preserve not only their good-liumor, but their gavety, to the last. This is, of course, in part dependent on good health, for with them gout and dyspep­ sia are not common maladies. But for the cheerfulness of his declining years a Frenchman will look to the salons of his friends, and since it has ever been the custom for intimate society in France to assemble in the evening, he, after dinner, not beii g a club man, will take his hat and cane, to so out to pay his visits. In some dimly-lighted salon au troisiene he^wilTlk^d a welcome from the circle gatlieretj) round the fireside, where all areyfiabitiies,. and where each, eschewing/the weather and the discussion of his personal health, brings forth his remarks on passing events, and contributes some observa­ tion to the common stock.--Saturday Review. Tlie Virginian's Joke. ^George Mason, the grave author of the \ irginian bill of rights, one of the "sarf<!est and severest" of men, had his humorous moments. When lie was an old man lie offered himself for Con­ gress in Stafford, and Dick , one of his neighbors, said that Col. Mason was acting imprudently; he was not offer­ ing himself in the county where he re­ sided, as the people there knew that his mind was failing. Mason's retort was trenchant It was true he w as old, he said, and his mind might not be as strong as in former da vs. "Hut Dick has one consolation," he added; "when his mind fails him nobody will ever discover it." ^ SEVEN hundred and fiftv persons are constantly employed by the two Honses of Congress iwliiie ia session) far and abont the Capitol, PITH AND P0UTT. *1 WOOD knot live fall ways,* a||i the sawbuck to the sawyer.--Paris Beacon. THAT apple tree in Kentucky that has borne fruit for fi ty years is probably an apple jack tree.--Hatokeye. THE girl who dealared she wouldn't marry any but a model man will have to wed a clothing store dummy.--The Hoosier. "You are never too late," remarked a West Side lady to a late arrival, whose hair was parted in the middle, as he apologized for his lateness.--Peck's Sun. , "YES," said the tramp, mournfully, "my father cut me off with a shilling, and it was a good deal of mony, too-, al­ though I didn't think so at the time.* --Philadelphia Call. "I SUPPOSE that it just means that he hired 'em out," was the repiy of a Sun­ day school child when asked what was meant by the expression, "And the king rent his clothes." "WHAT shall we do with our old clothes ?" asked a newspaper writer. He should save tliem until lie starts a daily paper to fill a long felt want He will need them soon afterward.^ New Orleans Item. I OFEN vonder to mineself. vhy niiu„ frow und mineself gwarrel all der veile. We yoost agree uniformly on one big point,und dot vas, she vants tovore mine pandy loons, und. I vant to vore em mine own self.--Carl Pretzel's Weekly. "How LONG have you been married, Mrs. Slowboy?" "Five years." "Five years! Why, you ought to have a wood­ en wedding." "Have," replied Mrs. Slowboy, glancing across at the meek figure of a man trying to hide behind a newspaper, "had that when L WM married." PEEPETBATED ON PUBS-PUSS, Instinctive q .adrup d of broud su ine, W hose heavies footfall o ily mic can hear Sole sovereign owner of ho . urvlng sp.na ' That aichos taught unto the < ngiu< er, Companion of the nlg .t or dark or cl ar. On old maids' thields the couch-nt watchful sign, v Lord of the beet chair in the honse by day, Lord of lives nine--w a was 1 go ng to say? f --Cincinnati News-Journal s f MR. BURNAND, the ed tor of Londgft Punch, receives a salary of $15,000* ** year. Under ordinary circumstances this is a very fair salary, but to edit Punch--Great Scott! a man should re­ ceive at least four times that sum to have such a horrible responsibility thrust upon lrim.--Texas Siftings. > t ^ ONE of our young men went into a cigar store for a few of his favorite brand, and as the German Countess handed him his "Henry Clay" over the counter, he observed: "Henry Clay is dead." "Ish dot so?" replied the tender­ hearted girl. "I vos so sorry, for he did make goot cigars.--Oil City Der­ rick. A PATENT medicine testimonial says : "For six months I was unable to lie on my back. Since using three bottlesi of your 'Magical Preparation' I am able to lie easily." We should say so. He lies as easily as a circus poster; and it may be that the latter has also swallowed a few bottles of the marvel* ous "Preparation."--Norristown Her- ald, "AND SO, dear Miss Singleton, yon never married?" "No, dear, I did not; I came very near it, however. My six sisters married within five years, and I went through every engagement with­ out a scratch. Even in the most dee- perate battles, you know, and in the most terrible massacres, there is always one who escapes to tell the tale.-- Burlington Haw key e. DEACON DEWGOOD'S son returned home very late the other night from a pressing engagement with his pretty sweetheart. " Where have you been?" growled the old man as the youth came sneaking up stairs in hia stocking feet "Dear father," he replied, "I cannot tell a lie; I've been to a protracted meeting." And the good old man up­ braided himself for having treated his son so harshly. MRS. FLAMLEY attem_ able. The other night when dressed preparatory to attending the theater, she appeared with a silver spoon on her breast. "Margaret, what in the world do you call that?" asked her husband. "This was my grand­ mother's sauce spoon. You know that it's fashionable now to wear old family plate." Flamley said nothing more, for he knew it was unnecessary to argue with his wife.. The next night he asked his wife to attend the theater with him, and again she put on her spoon. After awhile Flamley came out with an enor­ mous butcher-knife on his shirt front. "My gracious, Henry, what is that?" "This is my grandfather's butclier-knife. It's fashionable now to wear--" "I'll take off the spoon." "All right. Off goes the knife."--Arkansaw Traveler. That's What He Wanted. A man who had been purchasing a horse was speeding the animal np and, down Park street, when a policeman said to him: "That's four times yon tove been7 racing up and down." "Yes, just four." "And you want to quit, & yon*!! get into trouble." "How?" "I'll complain on you." "What for?" • ' "Fast driving." "At what rate will you swear that I was driving?" "At least eight'miles an hour." "Will you, honest Ingun? Will yon say at least eight?" "I will, and the recorder will fine you three dollars." "Say," said the man as he pulled ont. a $5 bill and extended it to him, "take this and do me a favor. Make com­ plaint that I was driving at least eight miles an hour, and have me fined for it I bought this old beast for a four- mile-an-liour horse, and if it geta around among the boys that he can , step at the rate of eight, I can sell hint for $25 in cash and a second-hand over* eoat! Go and enter complaint to-day, so that it will be mentioned in the morning papers, nnd don't forget to say eight miles an hour--ei^ht miles on your solemn affidavy!"--Detroit Free Press. A REMARKABLE decrease in blindnesa has been observed in England for every decade since 1851, and the percentage of decrease in the last ten years in larger than has been shown in any proceeding enumeration. The fact is attributed to the recent advance in eye surgery, im­ proved sanitation, and the diminished prevalence among children of puruleat diseases such as smallpox. ASTOR Library has 208,429 volumes; Yale College, 161,000; Amherst, 12IL« . 000; Harvard,277,700; Dartmouth, 6lW^ 885; Wesleyan University, 33,000; Rut ­ gers, 12,428; Cornell, 40,500; Bowdoia, 34,000; Trinity, 24.'100; University of Minnesota, 15,000; University of CaB- H- tornia, 24,000; Kenyon College, 12,00$! Northwestern Univursit̂ , 25.000. ' ̂