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.* ,*V - * ^{4 V> C«V . „ Ju.-, ^ ®W. .V . . &V,., * M V •. . v Bi ...,. J\,..„ «" .. . '^•Sd- *. 1 " *"' •' ' ." 'i »%' t.VWt' W.v c : . . . . . „ . . . . . . . : •Pfc t*<&»#,'«S? *>" J» -» i-*- <f * • " - v"S. ..,<M $•/» • ^ > y$ :tff* , ,^ < p/v^ « -. > i iWff I'Awj,-- J >' - «» ••*>> v< ' * T' ' u if-B--* -4 I,--., ^ ̂ ,<* Wsfi -'->Jfc ::mv<ie" . .'{*5 4 * \.|* v"* i 4 V §Ifs ..'""""T"!"., &£££- f, - m&<i«v aw; Mo Favors Win us and no Fear ShallAws.* Pledged but to Truth, to Liberty %•&?. i STHENRY, ILLINOIS^EDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 1885. , ->tu i v+r^iH BUSINESS CARDS. TBI CHICASO rtnient. s. F. Bennett CONDUCTBD Ĵ ejJeary piauietlef, fc-,. ^ ' Published Bv»*y Wednesday by IV ̂ j. V^V:* SLYKB 1-^ .;: «Mnk jmp paBUKa|Mik>;' fe'iiisi ilfflce In Bishop's Block* [s"'^ * --Opposite Pesky ft Oweh'S.-- Ih? /»*. * TEM&vli.'. SVBSOBl##fflk" 1 p - 5 % / ••:. '• ••*••**; fafjK'.-" >ne Year (In aWtACcc) ...» .S1J50 ><- ' > if Not Paid wilhin Three Months.w.... v. 2.00 !•*% t Su ascriptions received for .three or six \J_ yt ' aonths in the same proportion. 1 Kates of Advertising. We announce liberal rates for advertising m the Plaindealer, and endeavor to state them so plainly thatthev will be readily un- lerstood. They are||fl fpjlowsj , 5 00 •aooo '515 00 30 00 (to 00 100 00 1 Inch one year 2 Inches one year ^ J '3 Inches one year - ,• •'}; li Column one year - it Celumn one year- Column one year » One inch means the me* hi re meat of one ' nch down the column, single column width. "I Yearly advertisers, at the above rates, have u the privilege of changing as often'as] they . thoose, without extra charge.! Regular advertisers (meaning those having •tanning cards) will be entitled to insertion i »f local neticea at the rate of 5 cents per line each week. All others will be charged 10 ' cents per'ine the Atst week, and 5 cents per 4 line for each subsequent week. Transient advertisements will bo charged „ at the rate of 10 cents pe line, (nonpareil type, same as this is set in) the first Issue, and Z • cents per line for subsequent issues. Tlr:s, . an inch advertisement will cost $1.00 for one week, $1.50 for two weeks, $2.00 for three weeks, and so on. *r ThePtAiNDRALER will be liberal In giving •ditorial notices, but, as a business rule, it i will require a suitable fee from everybody v, seeking the use of its columns for pecuniary vgain. BUSINESS CARDS. tt. T. BROWN, M. U. PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON. Offloe over the Post Ofllce, opposite Perry & Martin's (tore up stairs, &lcuenry, 111. •:V. ' C. H. PEGERS, M, D- I>«YSICIAN AND SURGEON, Mcllenry, I Ills. Office at Residence, on the Corner, Opposite Blake's Furniture Store. O. J. HOWARD, M. D. |>HYaTCTAN AND SUROfcEON. Office at I my residence, opposite M. JS, Church, KcHenry. 111. BARBIAS BROS. CIGAR Manufacturers, McHenry, 111.* Or­ders solicited. Shop, ia Old McHenr?, ,n Keiter liiock, two doors weat, of PCAIK. »EALER Office. WASHINGTON, D. C The popular palace hotel of the National Capital. Conveniently located and accessible tq all the street car lines of ttie city. Open all the year. Q Q gTApLEg> Proprietor. Late of the Thousand Island House. OPENED ACAIN! Robert Schiessle Having purchased the ®ld stand of Joseph •>V -• i- a5* ' T f . ' NEAR THE DEPOT, / MCHENBY, ILLINOIS, ' ' Has opened the same as a flrst.class h, ~ s^l'vS b H* • Saloon and Restaurant, ' • » h e w i l l a t a l l t i m e s k e e p t h e U i e s t • brands of Wines, Liquors and Cigars Z/js.. " to be found in the market. ; - Also Agent For FRANZ FALK'8 MILWAUKEE LAGER BEER. Beer in Large or Small Kegs or Bottles al­ ways on hand, cheaper than any other, quali­ ty considered. • Orders by mail promptly attended to. ^ GOOD HTAB1.1NU FOR HORSES. WGflll and see us. Robert §QhJe|i{s» Mc Henry, III.. Sept. 1st, M A R g t r s ' CERMAN Manufactured by . MAROTJS Sfifvii •DEALER IN- PURE WINES, LIQUORS CIGARS. ' Woodstock III. AND ASA W. SMITH, Attorney at law an<t 8oii«!tor Chancery.--Woodstock, III. J ESS IS A. BALDWIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW. Law business in Every part of the State recete^s prompt attention. Room 34, 99 Washington St., Clil cago, 111. KBIT MU S. F. BENNETT, M. D. Physician and surgeon. Also united States Examining Surgeon, Richmond, Illinois. A. 8. CHILDS, M. D., Homeopathic physician and sue, GEON, West McHenry, III. 0*Hs promptly attended to, day or night. DR. C. R. WELLS. ed. Barker's harness shop. MARY G. BARBIAN. HAIR WORKER. All kinds of Hair Work done in first class style and at reasonable prices. Rooms at residence, north east corner ef Public Square, McHenry, III. DR. C. E. WILLIAMS. DENTIST. Residence Dundee. Will be at McHenrf.at Parker House, the 10th 11th 25t,li and 20th of each month. When dntes occur Saturday or Sunday I make my visits on the following Monday, and the first day of such visit occurs on Friday, I will stay but one day. W. J. C U TTERIDGE, Teacher of instrumental music. Termt, reasonable, and satisfaction guar­ anteed. Rooms at Mrs. L. A. Clark's, Mo- Henry, III. A. M. CHURCH, Watchmaker and Jeweler NO. 35 FIFTH AVE., Chicago, 111. Special attention given to repairing Fine watch- es and Chronometers. WA Full Assortment of Goods in his line AT THE OLD STAND, J4.COB BONSLETT, £ALOON AND RESTAURANT, at the Old J stand, opposite Bishop's mill, McHenry, I1L The choicest Winea, Liquors and Cigars to be found in the coun.ty. IVarm or cold meals on short notice on application. GOOD STABLING FOR HORSES. J. PEKOVSKY, CIGAR MANUFACTURER, Wholesale and Retail Dealer. HANDLES nore but his own make,and will compare his Brands with the best made in the Stale. Store and Manufactory next door to 'he Post Office, McHenry, IlL IT « off B*AIW *N«*V« DmtASBS. Only ntrt iSTOPPED FREE jKbtmAPM swcctss* , Insane Psrtont Rtttors^ 'cmrt /or Ntrvt jtyecttm*, Mfilrpiy, t ._ llHVALUBLB if Una H dlnctod. A'* fit* frjt tUm't utt. TrMtise tad la trial I " " R»i^ * Eat>. they pajnnrtranta dun(n< 1. Sand MaarP. O. «n< mm» >Mn<i JaflkMd »n*.KUlNH,oii An*0tJnilMMpht^r»t lOnwpM. & IMITATING FJUVDS. SHORT HAND BT Hill Thoroughly taught by practical stenograph- ers in Rowe'll & Hickcox' Correspondence Class of Phonography. Tuition fft a term (If lessons) two terms in the fnll course, The most popular, the largest, the oldest, irost re- linble class of shorthand in existence. Through it hundreds have acquired a thor­ ough knowledge of Phonography. Write for particulars and ciicnlars. K0WELL ft HICKCOX, Boston Mass American agents for Isaac Pitman's Phono* graphic Books, and dealers In all Shorthand Bookt and supplies. The American Shorthand Writer. (FOURTH TEAR.) The Cheapest Shorthand Journal in the«Unlted States. Each number contains fac- simile reporting notes of eminent stenographers in the various systems of Isaac and Ben Pitman, Graham, Munson, Takgrafy, etc., and all the news in­ teresting to the profession. Contributed to by heading stenographers. SUBSUlPTION Sl.OO A VICAR. Single lumbers, 15 Cents. Row ell & Hickcox, Boston, Mass. DO YOU KNOW THAT Plug Tobacco, With Red Tin Tag; Rose Leaf Fine Cnt Chew tng; Navy Clippings, and Black, Brown and Yellow Snuffs ure the best and the choicest quality considered. Attention Horsemen? I would call the altentfion of sthe public to my Stable of Stock Horses, four in number: two Morgans, one 3-4 Percheroti, and one Imported Horse. They are all good representatives of their breed. Also a few Merino Sheep «> r sale. The public are cordially invited to call and examine stock, get prices, etc. No business done on Suuday, N. S. Colby. 10-7-tf McHKNRY, ILL The best Tonic in the world. Pint and Quart Bottles. 1^'fpS k- ' '•p-r mm ;ir"; nw Pat up In t F. MARCUS, Patentee. DON'T YOU 'FORGET IT! ASA W. SMjTH, -or-- '.4 Woo<l»< oclc, • 4 lllinoiM. Backed by Millions of moneyi* nflbr yon INDEMNITY against damage by rire, Llghtnfng, Wind Storms, CYCLONES AND TORNADO A. Drop me a postal card and I will visit you; call on me and I will write you a policy, and waen either or any of these destructive el*, ments devastates your property, happy will you be if you hold one of my _ policies, for I will sureiy visit yon, and minister unto you. 1 will not forsake you. a»A W. SMITH, Oen'l InJtuanee ApI We carry the largest liue of Cietb- 7 sag In the market, and ®ur prices are * v 1 always as low as good goeds can be cold - Henry Colby. CUltet Mousear^ RICHMOND. ILL. C.5T. CULVER, - - PBOWtMTOB. HAVIN3 recently purchased the above Honse, I have pnt it In thorough repair, with new furniture thronsrhout, and would respectfully invite the patronage of the trav. ellng public and ethers. The tables will al­ ways oe provided with the best thst can be procured, and polite and attentive waiters will be in readiness at all times to attend to the wants of guests. No pains will be spared to make this a First Class House. Large and commodious barns on the premises. Free Omnibus to and from all train*. Sample Rooms on first floor. Bering recently fitted np our •nop near the bridge, wo are 'now prepared to furnish oar customers with •rMaii Salt lab, OF ALL KINDS, Sausage, Smoked Meas, &e.f -AT THE-- Lowest Living Prioea. We buy none but the best of Meats, and flatter ourselves that we can offer our cus­ tomers meats in better shape than any other shop in this section. Thankful for past fkvors we solicit aeon* tinnanseof the same, and we will guarantee to satisfv you both in quality and pnee. A. M. FRETT. McHenry, III., March 17th, 1884. PUMP REPAIRING, CEMENTING, ETC. The undersigned Is prepared to do all Jeba In the line of Digging Wells, Repairing Pumps, Cementing Wells, or will put in New Pumps On short notice and warrant satisfaction. In short will do all work in this line. Can furnish yoil a new Pump, either weed or iron, warranted, as cheap as any other man, Good references furnished if desired. If you want a Well Dug, a Pump Repaired or a new Pump, give me a call, flVOrders by mall promptly attended to. Post Office, Johnsburgh, III. Johnsburgh, dlBte HE. WIOHTMAN, Proprietor. First • class rigs, with or without driven furnished at reasonable rates. Teaming et all kinds done on short notice. County Cfe; • R. Directory. Meets the first each month. Meets the tfeinl month, Meets the first Ingaefeach SORT KO 2W. ird Fridaj evenings of . F, BwnrsTT,|Com. SOST, MO MM. lay evenings of each B. N. Smith, Com. Ird W ednesday-4f tjn< WM. bdtlh, Oess< SABVAn^kosT, no KS. Meet* the secondSpi fourth Monday fcrett­ ing* ot each montlN| Diil. T. Woodruff. Com. rirlilcli Henry South- South Carolina, was : at the battle et it been takeu from »ne by a surgeon. »t dUfagured, and (waswheutt enter- 1 alls st Springfield, it many representa- gone by '"donned warlike actions up- tice and right of a present time are cause for a State. Comrado Charles lember of the G. A. .re the badge de- hlp with it He is 145, Jefferson, Ills., devoted adherent Is faithfulness also litlon he now h'.lds is duties tlicre are executed, caring is priuciple and the ttents Is upheld mod 8A&Q0H and KESTAXnyy&r Buck's Ol4 Stand, fern ~ ' ;,s iWcHlNRY, ILLINOIS. Fine Kentucky Liqxvors, French Bitters, llcHeniy Lager Beer, Fhil. Best's Milwiuktt Best By the Bottle or Case. We buy none but the.best and sell at Reasonable Prices* Call and see me and I will use you well. ANTONY ENOELN. enty, 1U., 1884* ? ; '9 vflOEB TBI BID Q., NEAR THE DEPOT, West Mcllenry Illinois. •; Ton WiU Again Find. ^ < Uncle Ben" at all hours ready t© showjold customers and new ones a choice line of 7BU2TS, SB0C1BB8 AID PROVISIONS. To exchange for the Produce of theOoentry or even Cash, for 4 hat it is worth. mm C. BSH51TT, BftEKDEtt OP *•1 - y-. RICHMOND, (FIRST PREMIUM AT MCI1EWBT COUITTT PAIK ) My fowls are of the celebrated DUKE OF YOKK strain, remarkable for their great size *nd laying qualities. I can show a trio of last season's chicks weighing 31 pounds. Eggs, per setting of thirteen. $1.80, delivered to purchaser in Richmond, Shipped, seeurely packed, $2.00. XQB^ttTC. BENNETT fireen aid Dried Fruits, And in short everything usually kept In a first class Grocery, and at PttlCEBas Low as the Lowest, quality of floods considered. sarThe Highest Market Trice paid for all kinds *tf Country Produce. #B. CILBBRT. West McHenry* IlL, Sept. 16,1884. For ••History, Romance and Philosophy of Great American Crimes and The most startling book of recent \ji lunuais. auv u,vo« v 7-T . . years. Biographical, Pictorial, Ml Superb Engravings with peponal Portraits or the Celebrated Criminals. 60Royal Octavejpafes Low retail price, fS 50. It is a work of art as well as of thrlllinf historic interest. Is honnd to produce a profound impression. Agents sell it by the thousands. A grand chance far canvassers. Send for particulars and be convinced that this is the most salsble Apts Waited profitable book published; or, to save time, send 76 cents at ouce for canvassing Book and it&t# your choice of townships* Address K. U« Tbomfsok A Co., Publishers, St. Louis, Mo., or atw York Crtjr. A bullet wltha ernol tireenvilt wounded Iq the Gettysburg, haij beneath his coll The belle t w« looked as new ed his neek The leglslatl III., contain s tlvea who In t h e b l u e b y t l held the cause Nation and at upholding the One of them Schatlan, Who ll: R., and prouifly signaling his a comrade of P< and an earnest to its principle extended to the at Springfield *1 always fearle for nothing to cause of his co justified. _ During Shernoao's march to the sea, tlie "Boys In Blue* sometimes resorted to strateg'o luuaijia to till the mees- pot. One dty aJSrly soldier attached ft strong Hnen S^ead to his bay not. At the other end Iras a small fish-hook seductively balte& Passing an Irish* woman's cabin h# dropped his hook «uong a flock of geese, and caught a big gander. Ashe started oil on the doable quick, the woman uotlced her pe gander rapidly following t e re­ treating soUUef, jfcnd not suspecting the cense* tbf rescue run! Shure, the gawnder won't hurt yez, me honej!" "I know he wl 1? The flurned thing means business P rapidly replied the defender of the flag as he disappeared over a hill with the squaklng gander in hot pursuit. General Grant's paper on the battles of Shiloh has afforded many war veter­ ans and newspaper correspondents an opportunity to recount their vatlous experiences and observations--some confirming and other differing from those ef the great captain who mana­ ged the campaign on t^e part of the Union forces. This ii not strange, as many officers doubtless felt themselves entitled to more credit than Gen. Grant has been able "to give in each particular case. But It is proper to presume that the commander under- stood the situation better tb&u any of his subordinates, and Is quite as likely to state t e faot as correctly as any in a le#s favored situation to take In the whole contest; and for this reason, hie account will be acceptcd as authority to historians. ' a Darlsi OraMsnts (Mhwr. First Assistant Postmaster General Crosby relates a story .of remarkable daring as told him by Lord Burgoyne. of England, Lord Bnrgoyne said: kThere Is a singular episode connec­ ted with the last American gentleman whom I had the pleasure of meeting. In the summer of 1873, I was cruising In my yaclit, the Greyhound,! in the waters of the .English channel and the Mediterranean. One day I ran into Cherbough. The town was alive with excitement. The Confederate crulsir, Alabama, had been followed into the harbor by the United States man-of- war Kearsage. The two hoistile ves­ sels were lying scarcely acable's length apart. Under the neutrality law, twenty-lour hours must eiapse after the departure of one before the other would be allowed to follow. Capt, WInslow, of the Kearsaga, had sent a challenge to Capt. Semines, of the Alabama, for a naval duel outside the harbor. Capt. Semmcs was auxious to avoid a fight, but, as you remember was eventually forced into it. "That evening at the table d'hote I sat beside a gentleman wbo proved to be an American. He was obviously a man of the world, refiaed and cultivat­ ed. After chatting pletSant'y, I re­ marked that I had been invited to visit the Kearsage the next day. My newly found friend expressed a desire to accompany me. I consented, and together we went on board. The officers were very courteous, and ap­ parently took great pleasure ia show­ ing us about tue ship. My Irlend manifesto I the liveliest interest in everything be saw. Bis minute In­ quiries into the number of men carried* weight of armament, etc., showed an intelligent understanding of nautical matters that delighted our enter.ain- ers, and elicited from them the* Information desired. "A few days later both vessels steam* . '•* - •• ed out of the harbor, and the celerated light took plnce. My sy npathles were with the south, and 1 sailed as close to the scene of action as it was comfort­ able with safety, to render what services I could te the crew of the Confederate cruiser. After the siuk- ing tit the Alabama, I succeeded In sav­ ing a score of the survivors. Among the number were Seinmes and his first officer, A the latter stood before me wet and shivering from his co dbnth, my eyes opened with astonishment. 'Why,1 air I, %thU is Mr.----, naming my friend of the table d'hote and fellow &|sitor to the Kearsage. 'Yes,' was the laughing reply, 'and 1 had her boilers located so that we would have put a Shot through them in another minute if she hadn't sunk us when she did.'" LKTTBK FROM NEW OR1.BANS. • new Orleans, Feb. 99th, IMS. Editor Plaindkalkk.--Dear Sir:-- Possibly some of your readers might be interested to learn something of the wanderings and experiences of a small party ot your townsmen, who. on the Ijfcli inst., made a sudden exit from a laud of snow and Intolerable cold and pointed their coid noses toward a warmer climate, and followed them even to the Gulf of Mexico, So here goes. Messrs. F. Whiting, I. •arsli, N. S. Ciolby and your humble servant arrived in Chicago late in the evening of the 16th, after having been detained by impassable snow drifts on our way, and ascertained that we could proceed no farther on our journey for 24 hoars at least; and no assurance could be given us even then that the trains would he sent out 011 account of the snow blockade. But fortune favor, ed us, and the Illinois Central Rdilroad decided to send out a traiu for New Orleans on Tuesday night, the 17th and we were of! at 9 p. m., arriving at Centralia the following morning at 7 a. m., took breakfast, aud proceeded on our way. Fouud the snow steadily getting less, but the severe cold atmos­ phere seemed inclined to make the trip with us, even though we were doing our utmost te avoid its company. Ar­ rived ^.at Cairo, III., about 11:45 a.m., passing through the most desolate and dreary looking ceuutry, between Cen­ tralia and Cairo, of which Illinois is possessed. The Inhabitants also of that portion of the Htate seemed pe- rly adapted to their surroutidings, and appeared contented and as happy as such people are capable of being. After crossing the Ohio River at Cairo--which was done by running the care of our train onto a ferry boat--the pasiengers remaining In theli/sHls, and the boat carrying us across, wfe immediately proceeded on our way through a corner of Kentucky, with no snow in sight, although ice could be seen wherever there had bt en water to make Ice. The face ef the country was much the same as Southern Illinois,and the inhabitants more so if (tosslble; and this descriptiou-wiil apply to most of the country we passed through on our way to this famous city. True, we saw exceptional cases--such as Jackson, Tennessee,--a thriving Southern city, and others less populous, where evi­ dences of enterprise could be discover­ ed in the rapid iuurease of their popu­ lation. Indeed, a stranger in passing through many of these Southern towns, must conclude that each town could do 110 more in their efforts to produce a greater number of negroes of the same age than its neighbor town--losing sight, however, of any necessity of providing any clothing or food for them or any employment hy which they might earn their living. We arrived at Mongolia, Mississippi, at about 7:30 a. m. Thursday, and stopped about 20 minutes for breakfast, leaving there we immediately came to a very dense pine wilderness, every pine covered with a kind of moss peculiar to this country, which grows and hangs from the boughs of trees like vines. We also saw among those pines a plant resemb ling a palm leaf before being ma<)e into a fan, though green. Many of them growing three or fcur feet high and two feet broad, and seemed to me not ouly new but quite pretty. After pass­ ing through about fifty miles or this pine swamp, including a portion of Lake Ponchartrain, the home of mil­ lions of alligators, we arrived at New Orleans at 9:40 a. m., a very pleasant morning, though the air was quite cool. Had no trouble in securing a room, such as it is, at 75 cents each per day, getting our meals where we can do the best. ° Our room is directly opposite the Exposition building, which is four miles from the city proper and some­ what remote from much competition among the restauran is, yet get along very well thus far. * r; We visited the Exposition yesterday and to-day, and to say that we are all very tired to-night would express our feelings very faintly, and tills must be my excuse' for an abrupt close of this letter. I must add, however, that our party are all well and enjoying our visit and the sights hugely. As to the Exposition it is a very great and won­ derful collection of everything manu­ factured and produced by all Nations of the earth. Mr. Colby seems most interested, however* in the depurttcent exhibited by the Creoles, and hinders our prog­ ress somewhat, ms we all wish to keep together while in the Exposition. But as we are through with that depart­ ment now he may become equally interested In other portions of the buildings. We shall look at auch places of Interest as we are al.le next week if we all remsin well, after which we shall wend our way back to the snow banks of McHenry and to our homes and friends, when we will tell yon the history ef the remainder of our travels by word of mouth. Hoping we may be able to bring some of yon an orange, I mnst hid you good night. Very Respectfully, J. W. Cristt. Windsor Hotel, New Orleans, La. : -- - f ^ss, Written for the Plaindealer. fy >"» r„(,..CRBSSRR'S DROLLcaini vuscisf; ' ^ no. 9. ; f ,vt. BT t» t» IX,'ST. tOIFtS, HOb Mt Dear Bob:--I wish to make known to you the* gratifying result of a comic lecture 1 recent!y delivered. Arriving at the building where the ex­ pectant audience awaited, I Immedi­ ately introduced myself and commenc­ ed speaking. The very first joke I uttered disturbed so ne ladies to such an extent that they commenced to faint and sob. I begged them to be calm, assuring them that my jokes were never known to be fatal. But it was no use, for just as I ended that remark the ol I men commenced crying on their boots; young men hid under the seats and shouted, and the young ladies acted as if they expected to be tommahawked. No pen could properly describe the details. I felt as much unstrung as If I had swallowed a cod-fish whole, and once my kneo pans--and other pans-- t rem bio d so viblently I wss obliged to sit down in the cuspldere, end give way to emotion. The aisles of the building were cord­ ed with the Inanimate forms of the victims of this horrifying catastrophe and still they kept swooning away. New crowds constantly surged in at the doorwa^b, and at every jolte I ut­ tered I could see the members fall In pallid heaps. The battle of Waterloo was nothing to this hamming massacre --this colossal disaster. By and by those who had any remaining strength shouted so loudly that their false teeth flew out in the pestilence laden air. It was worse than a boiler factory. Bome evil miuded wretch at this point fired a load of buckshot Into my leg, and It was owing to this that I left the hide­ ous scene, 1 would prefer landscape scenery. I left it--ah! I left It. I left my new plug bet, too. I learned afterward that I got Into the wrong place, by mistake. I got Into a German church where the con­ gregation could not understand English at all. That evening, It happened, they had gathered to help perpetrate a re­ vival, but for some reason their pastor failed to appear, and I was mistaken for a visiting preacher. They all sup posed, at the time, that they were be­ ing exhorted! I judge they got relig­ ion any way. Hereafter they will lead nobler and purer lives. It purifies one to faint, and make a big racket. In fact, that is one's only chance of salva- t'on. That is Darwin's theory, too, A club for the discussion of the topics of the day was recently organised in this city by a number ef talented young men. The namo of the club, as the brass door plate shows, is "The Dis­ cusses." A meeting was receutly called and the subject for discussion was, the president said, the correct answer to the perplexing question, "Why Is a Hen?" And he further stated that the opinions of any of the members who thought tbey could throw light on this subject would be gladly received. Joseph Thereabout, a book agent, arose andsatd: "Mr. President.--The hen is the worst monster of which natural history tells us, and the question you have to night placed before us is one which has baffled the profoundest of modern astronomers. I consider the hen a great national disaster--a greater disaster than the politician. There­ fore a hen is, and it is alas! too true." The president said he thought that did not quite explain matters in a satisfactory manner, although he was moved and much impressed by the speech. The club poet arose and said with great ex< iteinent: ;' "The hen is neither man nor woman^ < It is neither ghost nor human-- - She ls-a ghoul t" "Oh, sit down, you son of a wood pile!" exclaimed a carpentfer, who did not care a flg for the beautiful. The poet collapsed, weeping plteously from his recent greSt excitement. A fat, bow-legged insurance agent now aroee and said: "Mr. President.--The hen is a dangeious policy, which Insures the fact that a hen is. W-lieu a child I lived on a larm, and I used to steal down to the woods, and, climbing the beautiful trees, take off the rooster trom her den. aud, bringing her down, milk him. O. memories of my lair nosed childhood, te thee I turnl Mr. President, my heart and I are too tuil for furthet utterance, for we are not used to such questions." Just as he sat down. Hector Nosegay, who was far gone in drinks, ambled to his feet and said, "Mist' Presidents.--Whasl you (hie) doin' In thash chair? Tliash whash (hij) I want's know. Ish you tired, or ish you a landscape The piece of coal that hit him sent blm •Drawling to the floor. Jacob O'Decent now arose to his feet and said In nis shrill, quavering tones: **Mr. President and Gentle men.--We are ti'tjbe of a great and peryitih| such as has not beeif rqwflfcf Sliiee 110 days of chivalry. #e' *^1fcfer tangle this Intricate proh)e*» ead t)^ only way to get out of tht».||l«f Is te resolve firmly thaf'A H**b K The motion was carried tiMM amid loud cheering, and the closed the meeting bfr reading a fer­ ment: ^ O! why Is the tender Tot eat, - Thatelawanp to tbstlM. i ^ Mocked by the winds ftr ApHlNMr Than love, wbo frowns MI guess It ain't," said gay. So did everybody else eteept carpenter, who said "Because," Mill , that settled it. ' * Jus^ as the vice president stepped : • ' out in the cooling air he obse*t|4» woman staging at him with a scowl** ̂ her rugged face. He saw her, aed,«f > course was highly Indignant. StM&tagv!; hls fist at her, he shouted, "You atiij rj wicked, wicked woman! But I am sot ' ( scared, even if you are hook-ne--^ Tou had better not hook me. madam-- you had better not! Pve a good mind ' to knock your old cheap bonnet Inta^i! the middle of next Sunday! Tou are ;t! a mean, vile, proud, horrid, wicked-- The woman sratched h'm bald-headed '<>' as a monkey wren h, closed hlsrUht > eye with her umbrella, and left him * | •wearing ruin. There tre too many U such brazen women in this world. So ̂ thought the roin, as he muttered: "Them women will be the die of meP* The other day as I was the street I witnessed a distressing *!iJ accident which filled my Wirt with tears. A dog turned a certain corner rapidly, and so did a man. As a con- sequence there was a mixture, and one of them, probably the dag, commenced barking loudly. A by stand* r wasao scared his hair flew off like a flash aiQd ^ from that hour he was a raving mania* $ The dog'6 tail flew out and entered the lumbar region of a prominent citlxiM*, 1 and the wound was fatal. He left oee family. A lady wbo witnessed the 1 trhgedy was so shocked she fatatfei' away fifty-eight times in four seeenda* - • It was a sad aflalr. However, expect to have trouble and grief this world, so full of bunions, tempt*! tions and tax collectors. ' ' • - T o u r s , a t l a s t , Levsu*. What Is Zero! Ho one Is receiving so modi tlon about theee days as sere--1a the further he gets down la the the more he seems to be "c in the newspapers. But pecfeap« i»0fe one in a hundred can tell why a thirty-two degrees below freesla| ,-a point on Fahrenheit's thermometer called zero. For that matter, nobody '•/ knifws. The Fahrenheit scale was ls> . " troduced In 1720. Like other mometrfc scales It has two fixed petstl^ ^ the freezing pointer rather the melt* J ing point of ice, and the boiling petal ' of water. The Centigrade and Bevp. ^ mer scales call the freezing point ceire * and measures therefrom in both di* ipi rectlons. This Is a very natural ap- ^ rangement. Fahrenheit kept the 5 p r i n c i p a l o n w h i c h b e g r a d u a t e d h i s | thermometer a secret, and no oee bee ever discovered It. It Is «uppo«t4 , 1 however, that he considered his sere - -thirty-two degrees below freezing-- Jj the point of absolute cold or absence ̂ or all heat either because, bel'og abottl '"^ the temperature of melting salt and snow, It was }he greatest degree ef cold that he could produce artificially, or because it was the lowest natural |j temperature of which he could fled J any record. The grounds on whlsb Fahrenheit put one hundred and. !| eighty degrees between the freezing and boiling points are likewibe un- known. . '" J! Stop"Some of the eccentricities of l modern adulteration are delieat$y "j disclosed to the commonwealth ef^cen- sumers by a contemporary German ., satirist, Id the following neat and pvs^> ^l nant little fable: "there was onee four flies, and, as It happened, thef were hungry one morning. The first settled upon a sausage of sleghlarly ap* petizlug appearance and made a hasty mesl. But he speedily died of in* testlnal inflammation, tor the sausage wss adulterated with aniline. The second fly breakfasted upon flour, aed forthwith 6uccumbed to contraction of the stomach, owing to the Inordinate quautity of alum with which the flour had been adulterated* The third fly was slaking his thirst with the oo»- tents of a milk jug when violent crasape suddenly convulsed his frame, and be . soon gave up the ghost, e victim to chalk adulteration. Seeing this, the fourth fly, muttering to htmielf. 'The > sooner it's over the sooner to sleeps alighted upon a moistened sheet ef paper exhibiting the counterfeit pre** sentmont of a death's head, and the scription 'Fly Poison.' Applying tips of his probos is to this devles, the fou>tti fly drank to his heart's COO* ' tent, growing more vigorous and ful at every mouthful, although e£|c': pectant of his end. But he did •otdfth,' On the contrary, be throve and ttsopi t fat. You see even the fly poison irae • ••atari " ii'v!* adulterated." tor The re is a rich old Dtaawrat at Waverlv, Ohio, James KsMSltt bf name, wlio ownsa caaaoe. aed W|M every morning since the olsettMl ^ manifested his enthusiasm audi ed his Repebllcsn neighbors hp asahi'e or threesrene. He pre| keep this up eetU the 4th ef the Lord bel Ing willing sad holding out. ; ."jr - ifcLVM it, *£' A. 4 V \ '-V : «, ^ ^/ . , S* '.iff JzA.lr"l , J