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WED., NOV. 19, 1969 - PLAINDEALER - PG. 9 Fcr And About Teenagers THE WEEK'S LETTER8 "I have this problem. I am only 16 years old and I have this understanding with this guy. We are writing to each other but now I hear that he's writing to some other girl. I told nim and he said letters are the only thing that keep him going. Do you think I should wait or just forget him? As you know it is not easy to forget him because he has a way of getting me to see his way. He also says he loves me and that he can t wait until we are back together. Do you think he's playing me as a 'sucker?' Please give me some advice, as I sure need it." OUR REPLY: You do not say, but apparently "he" is away because he is in the mili­ tary service. Any servicemen or veteran will tell you that nothing breaks the monotony 1 and the loneliness of military life more pleasantly than mail from home. What he says in this regard may well be true. While he is away is not the time to think about giving him up •-- and you should not worry about whether or not he is writing to someone else. Be­ lieve the things he tells you in his letters. When he comes home, make him prove it. If he doesn't prove it to your satisfaction, it's time then to really give him up. "1 am 17 years old. 1 was married to a guy who is 24 years old. And he wants me to wait till he comes back. I said okay. But, what if he finds another girl? What shall I do when he finds another girl? Should I drop him now or wait?" OUR REPLY: Your letter implies that you were married. Does this mean that you are divorced and he wants you to wait until he "comes back" to remarry? Where is he going? Into service? To a job in another city? Or, just footloose and fancy free? There are many things for you to con­ sider. How long were you married? Were vou happy? What caused the divorce, and does this same condition still exist? If you have already been marrfed, he should certainly have no doubts about the feel­ ing he holds for you--and you should know more about his reasons for waiting until he comes back from wherever he is going. If he finds another girl, you will have to "drop nim" because he will have dropped you. "I have a problem that bugs me. 1 have always been pop­ ular, not that I cared, but everyone liked my personality. They respected me because 1 was different and did what 1 thought was right. But now I let things get to me. The friends I used to go with now hate me, because someone has told them some things which are not true. This person who told them is a former friend and doesn't care what people think. I want to be right, and be kind, and be my own, real self. But, I do care what people think, and I do want to have friends. What should I do?" OUR REPLY: You should always be your own, real self. If you are kind, and true to yourself and to others, no one can say anything against you and make it count. They can say it, they can make jokes, but the whole world knows that it is not true. If you live this kind of a life, doing only that which you know is right, you will always have friends around you -- real and last­ ing friends. Fun-time friends are always easy to find, until fun time is over. If you would be happy, be friendly to every­ one, but always be true towhat you believe is right. You will have friends that may becalled AMERICAN CHILDREN AID THE POORLY-CLAD Boys and girls are surpris­ ingly willing workers for worthy causes. Heard as well as seen, their appealing ways inspire other youngsters as well as adults to contribute generously to the world's less fortunate. In the past, children work­ ing through scout troops, neighborhood clubs and on their own have Staged door- to-door crusades for service­ able used clothing, shoes and bedding which were distrib­ uted by Catholic Relief Ser­ vices to the poor of all races and religions overseas. This year, many American youngsters again will work at the admirable task of taking used clothing to local Catho­ lic churches during the month of November for the 21st an­ nual Thanksgiving Clothing Campaign. Donations will be shipped to the overseas needy throughout the year. The need is great. While most American children are adequately clothed, millions of destitute youngsters in im­ poverished lands live and die shoeless and in rags. Children-to-children aid programs such as these rep­ resent only a few fitting ways in which American young­ sters can pitch in to assist the victims of poverty in other countries. At the same time, these and other activities give added meaning to the Amer­ ican spirit of thanksgiving. good; you will have be t t e r friends, anu you will have some that are the very best. "I have a problem. I like this boy very much. I think that he knows it I'm 15 years old and he is 17. When there's a dance, we both go stag, and I sit there watching him all night. I dance with other boys, but it's just not the same. Many people say it's fun to feel this way about someone and to enjoy it I don't agree. I want to know if you could give me some advice on how to stop liking him so much. I see him every day at school." OUR REPLY: S ince you apparently have had only a "looking-at" relationship with this boy, how do you really know that you like him? If you knew him well enough, you might not like him at all. One thing that you must learn, and will probably learn as you mature, is that a one-track mind can be responsible for plenty of heartaches and grief. One cannot go through life very happily and successfully without concentrating on a few realities. You won't like this boy so much if you exercise the will power that is yours . . . when you turn your mind to other thoughts. When you go to a dance, have a good time; don't spend the night staring across the room. When you are in a class, concentrate upon the lecture, or the subject under study. Do this and a wider world of wisdom and under­ standing will open up for you. "I am a girl, 18 years of age. I love a boy who is 19 years old. When we go out together, he tells me he loves me and then the next day and for a few weeks he acts as if he can­ not stand me. He goes out with every girl he can. But I do not go out very often because I do not feel right. It hurts me very much for him to be this way. How can I find out why he acts this way, and find out if he really cares for me?" OUR REPLY: W e c a n n o t tell you why he acts the way he does. But, don't you think it's rather impossible for him to love you one day and de­ spise you the next? You are obviously being taken for a ride and the sooner you get off the merry-go-round, die better you will be for doing so. If he really cared for you, you wouldn't have to ask; his actions would let you know. If he goes out with "every girl he can", you are foolish to wait around until he is ready to go out with you again. You owe it to yourself to stop sitting on <he fence waiting for the day when he just won't come around any more. "I live in a small town. We just moved here recentiy and I found that the boys are much different than in the city. 1 lfke (His one boy In particular and he liked me He gave me a chance to be his girl­ friend a couple of times and I goofed it because I am shy. I don't know how to overcome this shyness. Please help." OUR REPLY: If you had moved from one city to another city, you would have thought the boys to be different. They Would be different, too, because their environment is different. But, when you get right down to it, boys are pretty much the same wherever you go. They may talk a little differendy, act somewhat differendy, at least outwardly, yet basically they are about the same wherever you go. Don't be in a hurry to "jump" at the chance to be someone's girlfriend. Take enough time to be firmly estab­ lished in your new hometown and know a little bit more about your new friends. Shyness may be one of your most attractive virtues. Don't be in too much of a hurry to throw it away. "We have a problem! The peo­ ple who are writing this letter are at the age of 14. There is a girl in our school who is kind of odd. She will be friendly one day and be mad at us the next day for no reason at all! She th inks she i s s o popu lar tha t she can pick who she wants to be friends with at any time at all and drop them whenever sh e f ee l s l ike i t Th i s i s v ery d i sgus t ing and a fe w p eop le agree with us. What can we do?" OUR REPLY: If she is as unpredictable as you say, probably the best thing to do is recognize this fact. Be friend­ ly when she is friendly. If she doesn't want to be friendly, ac­ cept the fact and go your sep­ arate ways. It is unlikely, how­ ever, that she gets mad over nothing at all. If she is mad, she thinks she has a reason. If you think she is mad--at you--ask her. Maybe you will discover that she is not unhap­ py with you at all; instead is disappointed over something else. But, remember this: Most everyone has "ups and downs" --days when they feel bright and gay and a day or two when they feel moody or let down, or perhaps have a per­ sonal problem that occupies attention. Don't be over-sensi- tive. And, don't expect too much of other people. Don't worry about why people act the way they do. Decide your own course--and stick to it. Be friendly, always, all ways, and life will be well worthwhile. "I read your letters almost every week and have noticed that your answers are very reasonable. 1 have a problem that I think is hard to solve. I'm 15 and allowed to date. My boyfriend is 18. I have gone steady with him several times. My problem is I love him and I think he loves me. Yet, I am not sure. How do I find out?" OUR REPLY: You find out by being patient. There will be no instant revelation. There is no one infallible evidence likely to come your way. But, if it is love, there are so many little things. If we love some­ one, we treat them with respect, with kindness, with under­ standing and, in the case of another kind of love--parental love--often with firmness and a lack of indulgence. So, stop looking for a thunderbolt or a message from the blue. Con­ centrate on the little things. If someone really loves you, time and circumstances will offer all the proof you need. "My problem is my parents. I'm almost thirteen and there is this boy I like. He is only a year older than I am. He asked me if I would sit with him at the ball game. All my girlfriends sit with their boy- mends and we were planning on sitting with them. When I asked my mother if I could sit with him she said no--be­ cause he had an older brother th a t w as pre t ty wi ld . M om thinks that he is the same way. He is not. I think he is the nicest boy I've ever seen. Do you think mom is being fair judging an individual by his relative?" OUR REPLY: I t i s qu i t e pos s ib l e tha t your mother didn't judge Ae1»oy at all. She may just feel that--at the age of 'almost thirteen'--you are not old enough to be sitting with any boy at a ball game. In any event, as you approach the age when you will be old enough to sit with boys at ball games, and to have dates, you will save yourself much grief and disappointment if you en­ ter the dating era with the at­ titude that your mother may not always be completely right but will always be acting in what she considers to be your best interests. TTTTTT11 'WITT1TT TTTTW GET ATTENTION BBSEESSfHEHSEPBrBB Time To Spare Chest Pains Not Always Heart Trouble Do you suffer from pains in the chest? Do they come in spasms on the left side over the heart? Do they leave you in a cold sweat, afraid you have a cardiac condition? If the answer is affirmative, then you'd better see a doctor right away. Don't be like those who avoid a medical inspec­ tion presisely because they're afraid the result will be bad news. If it is bad, the time to know it is now, because the earlier the diagnosis* the better the chance of doing Something to alleviate the ailment. But there's another good reason for going to the doctor pronto. He may well inform you that your fears are totally groundless, and that the pains you thought indicated a bum ticker actually pointed to some­ thing else -- conceivably some­ thing comparatively innoc­ uous. The cause could be indiges­ tion, or a pulled muscle, or' even a psychosomatic dif­ ficulty, which means the mind telling the body what to feel. That psychological angle can be important. If you think you have heart trouble, you may worry yourself into the very thing that's got you in a tizzy. You may push your­ s e l f i n t o a r e a l c a r d i a c condition. So, don't get into a state of nerves just because you feel pains in the chest. Get to your doctor's office. And don't an­ ticipate his diagnosis, one way or the other. A good method to keep cool in the interim is to recall that the majority of men and women who report chest pains don't in fact suffer from heart trouble. Nor should it be forgotten that, even where the ailment is real, medical treatment is getting better all the time. Many a heart patient who only a few ye?rc ag0 woui(j have been . an invalid is back on his feet. For those afraid of suffering from a bad heart in the future, the answer is prevention. It's a good idea to keep the weight down, to stop worrying, and to exercise regu larly. All this, needless to say, under medical advice based on an annual physical. Heart trouble is still nothing to fool with. It still ranks too h i g h o n t h e l i s t o f d e a d l y ailments. The Fraudulent Salesman I'nethical business practices have reached a point where the t'.S. government is more con­ cerned than ever before. 1 don't mean outright stealing but other* types of dishonesty that are harder to pin down. One form is summed up in the fftle of a pamphlet put out by the Better Business Bureau: 'Don't Do Business with a'Bait Advertiser. '" The p a m p h l e t w a r n s i t s readers to b e w a r e of advertis­ ing that amounts to "the of­ fering of merchandise with no intention of selling it, at prices which seem to be low to get customers into the store--or a salesman into the home--for the purpose of switching them to higher-priced and, usually, over-priced merchandise." One standard maneuver to watch out for is the following. Some salesmen have turned it into a fine art--and a very ' profitable habit. You pass a store, and your eye is caught by a sign that plugs a wonderful bargain. It's just the thing you've been look­ ing for. So in you pop to take advantage of the bargain while it lasts. But, it seems they haven't lasted that long. The salesman informs you that the final item has just been sold. Still, he doesn't want you to go away disappointed. .Just step over to the corner, and he'll show you another model. A better model, much superior to the one ad­ vertised on the store window. Somewhat higher priced, of course. But much cheaper when you look at it from the value point pf view. So, do you purchase the second model or not? An as­ tonishing number of Amer­ i c a n s , e s p e c i a l l y A m e r i c a n women, say "yes," even when they're not quite sure about the wisdom of the transaction. The point is that too often the original "bargain" was never in the store. The adver­ tising was simply a come-on to attract suckers vulnerable to a slick sales spiel. That's one good way not to spend your money. If any­ one tries it on you, don't just w a l k a w a y . L e t t h e B e t t e r Business Bureau know. They'll be interested in doing some­ thing about it. Always Heed a Warning Early the other morning as I lay still half asleep, contem­ plating a new day, the sudden sound of an ambulance siren jerked me out of bed double- quick. Seemed to be right in my driveway. But it was my neighbor's driveway. I saw our commu­ ni ty emergency veh i c l e , manned as usual by volun­ teers. Of course I had to go over and find out what was wrong--see if I could help. But only a doctor was needed for this emergency. The diagnosis: appendicitis--some­ thing it doesn't do to take lightly. Nowadays appendicitis is a fairly common ailment, and not all that devastating if, and it's a big if, it's diagnosed and treated without undue delay. Which brings me to my point. Too many people, from what I hear, are still fond of diagnosing their own ailments. Just as bad is the tendency o f o t h e r s t o i g n o r e M o t h e r Nature's warning signals--re­ peated headaches, nausea, and so on--in the hope they'll go away. Naturally I don't mean you should run to the doctor every time you cut a finger or some­ thing you ate doesn't agree with you. Common sense has a role to play too. But some of us treat our bodies in a way we wouldn't dream of treating a piece of equipment in our homes. When the dishwasher or the TV set breaks down, we call in an expert. The body is an infinitely complex mechanism and should be treated as such. It has its own system of alarms that should not be neglected, and only an expert should de­ termine what's wrong. To give just one instance, which is all I've space for, pains in the chest do not nec­ essarily mean heart trouble-- a conclusion many people jump to. They could be harm­ less or indicate something quite different, depending on other factors. The same rule goes for med- i c a t i o n . I f y o u f e e l t h e r e ' s something really amiss, don't be carried away by those of­ ficial--looking bottles on the drugstore shelves or by the related experience of Johnny's Aunt May, who was positively cured by X brand of over-the- counter drug. In other words, don't write your own prescrip­ tion. Take my advice and see a doctor. You'll probably live longer. "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have run out of milk on the weekend." 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