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Phantom Ship of the Desert. THE GHOSTLY CRAFT THAT HAUNTS THE BTEBILB COLORADO PLATE. “at: Prospectors Who have Seen The Shadowyjessel and Crew Have to bay of the Apparition. Few rsons who read the newspapers will fai to remember the accounts which were published some fifteen years ago and which reappear at intervals in their regular rounds of the press regarding the discovery of the hull of a ship in the central part of the Colorado desert, says the San Francisco “Examiner.” This dreary, trackleas waste of srnd, which lies in San Diego County, is bordered by the San Bernardinc Mountains and the San Jacinto Mountains. and extends from San Gorgcnio Pass to the Colorado River, and has claimed more human victims than any other section of similar area with in the boundaries of the United States. It is absolutely devoid of water, and to attempt to cross it without making ample provision in this respect is suicide, simple and plain, unless a heavy fall of rain immediately pre- vious has filled up the tanks and water holes which exist at certain isolated points. A large part of this desert is below the level or the sea, the greatest depression being at Volcano Springsâ€"a. station on the Southern Pacific Railroadâ€"where the traveler has the satisfaction of knowing. if such knowledge is productive of satisfaction, that he is 2:25 feet lower than the waves of the Pacific Ocean, that: are breaking on the rocks scarcely seventy five miles distant. That the Colorado desert was once covered by water and formed alarge bay of the Paci- fic Ocean there is every'evidence. High up on the mountain sides can be plainly seen the water marks, and the lashings of the waves for unknown ages have cut the rock in horizontal grooves as regularly as if done by the carver's tool, Into this at in of the sea the Colorado River once flowed, but 80.00 mighty volcanic upheaval threw up the slight environs which new direct that stream in another course, and the gradual recession of the ocean made the work per- manent. What ancient gallevs have plowed the billows of this land locked bav, what ships may have found safety on its peaceful bosom, are mysteries of the obscure, pre historic past, which none may ever know. FIRST REPORT OF ITS APPEARANCE Late in the summer of 1878, several years after the story of the discovery of the remains of a ship had been made public, two German prospectors reached Yuma from the Colorado desert. They wars in a state of great distress and reported the loss of a companion on the desert. The prospectors, it seems, had been skirting the south and west sides of the San Bernardlno range in search of minerals, and their companion was lost some six days before at a point about one hundred miles northwest from Yuma. The peculiar feature of their story was their associating with and attributing the disap- pearance of their comrade to an apparition which they had beheld the previous evening. About sundown, so the Germans said, and while encamped on the desert, they saw, at a short distance, an’ immense ship under full sail, which appeared to float before them as a cloud. She was of difierent form of construction from any vessel they had ever seen, and was complicated and fantastic in her rigging. Their description of the vessel was by no means lucid, but they were very sitlve that their companion had been ahangioaied and taken off on the " ghost sbi , ’ as they insisted on calling it. he story of the Germans was received with a goon deal of contempt by the people of Yuma, who, after telling the prospectors that they were double adjective fools, sent two men and three Indian trailers on the train to India to search the desert east of that station for the missing man. The sec- ond day his naked corpse was found about forty miles from the railroad, with the scorchin rays of the sun falling upon it. He had died in the desert of thirst, but no sign of the phantom ship was seen. Early in 1882 Tom Brown, then a citizen of Arizona, but now residing in Bakersfield, this state, and the writer organized a quiet little expedition for the purpose of ascertain - iug what truth there was in the stories re- ding the desert ship, several persons hav- g reported that they had seen it since the time when the Germs ns related their experi- ence. Nick Wolford, an Arizona mountain- eer, was induced to join, while a “happy go lucky," known simply as Jack, completed the party. as nxrsmriox STARTS 'ro vass'rmarz. In order to escape ridicule the real object of the expedition wasnot made known. The ' party “outfitted” at Yuma for the ostensible purpose of prospecting in the San Bernard- lno Mountains. Eight burros were secured â€"the little donkey being beet adapted for such an expedition, owing to his ability to subsist on nothing and to go for long per. iods without water. Five of the animals were loaded with supplies, camp outfis, blankets. etc., while the remainder carried kegs with which to carry the water supply while making long marches on the desert. On February 4 the expedition left Yuma fully equipped for a three weeks' trip. A more favorable season could not have been selected for making the journey. Hugging the base of the mountains closely in ordur to admit of prospecting for precious metal, water was not only found in abundance, but there was plenty of grass for the faithful and patient burro, which poked lazily along under his heavy pack. The air was per fectly delightful and the temperature sim- ilar to that of only summer in a northern climateâ€"a little too warm about noon time, but exhilarating and pleasant for the re- mainder of the day. Water marks on rocky precipices, far above, show:d p’ainly where the ocean breakers once expanded their force, while on the west, south and southeast from the slightly elevated course we were traveling the eyc fell upon miles and miles of sand, hills and valleys of sand and oceans of sand which, being driven and formed by the wind, presented the appearance of rollin billows. varying in color according to dis- tance, the shading, the existence of alkalics and the feeble attempts a: growth of hsriy ve tailor. 'ven the rugged and thorny cactus could not iind on the desert plain a soil suziiclent- ly congenial as to raise its weird branches as a warning to the traveler against a:- valley of death, and a system of cannibalism can alone account for their means of sub- sistence. "sr osouos, THERE sun is.” As the trip was being made alone for pleasure and out of sheer curiosity, it was on the sixteenth day before the party reach- ed a point about one hundred and twenty miles northeast of Yuma, and about forty miles directly east of Indie. The provisions were running short, owing to the failure to encounter any game, and the water burros were loaded for a three day's trip, with the intention of making for the Southern Pacific Railroad, which, it was calculated, could be reached in that time. A dry camp was made on the desert some ten miles from the mountain and fully thirteen miles from the spring at which we had taken water. An early supper was bad and shortly be- fore sunset Nick Wolford and Jack set out. to drive the burros to a patch of grass which had been crossed about a half mile back of the spot where camp had been pitched. The short twilight of that region had just begun and I was busy making down our beds, when startled by the exclamation of Tom Brown : "By George. there she is Charley, sure as shooting. Look l” Turnir around and casting my eyes in the direction which his hand indicated I saw before me the outlines of a sailing ves- sel. Every portion of her was clearly defined, yes a biz: of peculiar, indescrib- able light was cast upon the scene. It was too late an hour for a mirage ; besides this, the view was not stationary, the craft mov- ing rapidly on its course with all sails set. Apparently she was about a half a mile. distant and stood quarter to us. The ves- sel I judged, was about eighty feet in length, eighteen feet breath of beam and of about forty tons burden. The hull sat wall out of the waters, which was plainly visible, while the bow arose straight above the deck. The stern also out high out of the water, after the fashion of Chinese junks, and the two masts, fore and aft rigged, gave the strange vessel is very odd appearvnce, unlike any I had ever seen. The decks projected beyond the hull after the manner of those of the old Roman gal- leys, but undoubtedly the vessel was of more modern construction, and probably belonged to the sixteenth century. As strange and startling as was the weird scene, I was more than astonished at the sounds I heard. The creaking, straining noise of a sailing vessel running before a and breeze was plainly heard, while the distant notes of a sailor's song fell upon my ear. WHAT THE SHIP RESRMBLRD The discharge of a rifle near at hand, fol- lowed by a lusty halloo, distracted our attention from the vision and we hastily answered the signal. A few moments afterward Wolford and J sck walked into, camp explaining that they had lost their direction in returning and fired the shot to attract our attention. Brown and I turned from our companions to again view the mysterious ship, but it had disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Darkness was upon us. Tom Brown then told Wolford and Jack of the remarkable scene we had witnessed, calling upon me for corroboration. I discov- erer from his conversation that he had been more observing than myself, and also was much better versed in nautical history. “ The bear’s head on her bow is sufficient to rave that she is‘an English vessel,” said Mr. Brown, “and her rigging and form of bull and deck leave no doubt thatshe belonged to the reign of Queen Elizabeth. She may be and probably was one of the lost vessels of the patriotic pirate, Sir Francis Drake, who made his first expedition up the coast in 1578, the commander's frigate passing the winter of that year in the Bay of San Francisco.” About five days later the party reached Indio in safety, the burros and camp outfit were sold and the midnight train was taken foriArizcna, where the party disbanded. In 1864 two brothers, Briggs by name, concluded to establish a ferry on the Color- ado River at La Paz, there being at that time cousiderable travel to Arizona. attract- ed by the rich gold discoveries in the north- ern part of the Territory. They had a large, flat bottomed ferry boat constructed at San Bernardinc, and, loading it on the trucks of a heavy wagon, assayed to haul it across the Colorado desert. Heavy sand w-s encountered and seVere sand storms were prevalent and progress was very slow and tedious. Finally when within about 120 miles of their destination, ltbecame necessary to abandon the boat in order to save the lives of the eight fine horses which were hauling it. Shortly afterward a boat was brought from San Francisco by the way of the Gulf of California and a ferry estab- lished at La Past. The Briggs brothers then gave up their project, and their old boat is still out on the desert, and sometimes is vis- ibie, atthough more generally completely hidden by sand. He Had No Choice in the Matter- A lady entered one of the most fashion. able stores in town a few days ago and tell the tall and urbane clerk who waited upon her that she wished to look at some crev- vets. “ Crevvets?" repeated the clerk, “ crev- vets 2 Do you mean cravats '3 ’ “I do not mean cravats; I mean crevvets." The clerk was greatly pnvz'ed; then a bright thought struck him. “Which style would you prefer?’ he asked. "03, I don’t care; those big ones that go over the shirt bosom, or those that go round the neck and tie in a brw or a knot.‘ The clerk at once pulled down the boxes of cravats and began to display the differ- ent styles. He kindly tied several of them on his own neck to show her their effect. "Do you like them bright or quiet? ' he asked. “Oh, rather quiet," said the lady. "Q iiet, eh! Perhaps you know what your friend’s taste is: perhaps he‘d like this one, now; has be any choice in the matter?" ‘ “Well, no, I don't believe he has. You see, he's a corpse, and we"â€":he clerk faint- 8 ed and the cash by whistled “Annie L1urie." -â€" [Buffalo Courier. Weathetwise. Solon,Sr.â€"“\\‘hy does you tobacconist always take his woo-den statue of Pocahontas it‘s the house at night E” Solon, Jr.-â€"”I suppose because if be tempting to cross this trackless \vssze. Ten id’drfnt he'd find his indium Simmers else, miles from the mountains liindismal squawk ‘ of the raven was the only sound of bird to‘ break the depressing silence, while thc‘ iztrd and kangaroo rat were the only morn (ll cf the animal kingdom to abide in this Now ted me, please, why does he house that Wooden Highlander?" S-.-lor, Sr.â€""Dauh:less,my son, because I we morning.” jqucer old fl itboatdriiccd slowly o . . . 9 river, lie t.o:a not desire to have a Scoth mist in‘ Rough modes of life mare rough-manner- ed men and women. Never was the truth of this proverb more fully demonstrated than in the early history of the Ohio and Mississippi River valleys. Many of the meat reckless lrontiersmen of that time were descended from families , the members of which, in England anc' fiance, had been noteworthy for their re ficement ; so soon did the life of constant hardship and Indian warfare transform the descendants of gentlwbred families into bor- uer pioneerr, whore deeds were hardly less sauguinary than those of the savages with whom they fought. A noted character among the hunters, flat-boapmen and Indian fighters Cf tabla reigor‘, eighty years ago, was Mike Fit-k.â€" the Boo Ray of that teen perilous water- way from Pittsburgh to New Orleans. For years his daring deeds and thrilling adventures were the tales most commonly heard round the camp fire, and in the rude little hamlets of the Western wilderness. Born almost within hearing of tie war whoop, and reared amid the bloody and ex- citing scenes of border warfare, young Fink, grew up as wild, unrestrained, and almost- as ignorant, as the panther of his native woods. Rude and reckless, he was yet brave and open, equally ready for a frolic or for a fight, and a hunter by instinct. Like many, another pioneer youth his rifle was the pride of his heart, and as he grew to middle ago his wonderful feats with it gained for him a reputation as one of the finest marksman in America. The wild, roving and adventurous life of the flaiboat-men on the Western rivers soon attracted the youthful woodsman. In a short time his prowess as a boxer, wrestler and dead that had made him “captain” of one of those broad, low river-craftsâ€"the “flatboat"â€"-psculiar to the river navigation of the West. These odd barges, propelled mainly by the current, steered by means of long sweeps and manned by crews of the dare-devil stamp. were, in those days, the only method of freight transportation. As captain of a flitboat, Mike soon became notorious on both rivers. “The Suappin' .l‘urtle of the Ohio" and “ Snag of the Mississippi' were two of his well-known sobriquets; and he remained “king of the river ” up to the days when steamboats were introduced, when the prestige of tho fiatboat-meu ceased. New Orleans was then the only outlet for the produce of the West, and it was not till after weeks, sometimes months, of toil and exposure, that the slow-moving scow from the Ohio could reach the end of its cruise of many hundred miles long. The now noisy channel of a mighty com- merce was then comparatively lonely and quiet. The settlements upon its banks were few and small; hostile savages infested the thick cane-brakes and gloomy forests that lined the seemingly interminable shores; and desperate outlaws lay in wait to rob descending craft of their valuable cargoes. It will be seen that the calling of a boatman required not only its own particular skill and toil, but also the quickness and the nerve of a ready fighter. It happened on one occasion, when Mike and his cumber- some flatbcat were creeping down the Ohio, that he had tied up, as was customary, at the then little settlement of Louisville, to deliver some_ freight. On the following morning seven or eight friendly Indians who were at the landing came aboard with much dignity and grave curiosity to inspect the white man’s big canoe. Among the number of the visitors was a stalwart Cherokee, whose haughty bearing had gained for him the nickname of "Proud Joe,” and who was conspicuous for his tightly bound and gaudiiy decorated scalp- locd, which stood erect to the height of nearly a foot upon his head. Mike, six feet high in his moccasins, his coal-black hair surmounted by a bear-skin cap, and his long rifle in his hand, surveyed the “red varmints" with great disdain, and as they stalked past him to go ashore, im polled by the reckless spirit of mischief that had led him into rash conflicts so many times before, snatched a feather from Proud J oe's lofty but slender plume. The insulted Indian leaped ashore. and with flashing eyes dsfi intly shook his fist at the aggressive boatman, and Mike in return scornfully declared that he Would “cut tfi‘ that varmint’s scaly-lock close to his head afore he left Kaintuck." Some minutes later, as the boat was about to start on its way dowa the river, Cherokee Joe was seen standing on the shore several hundred yards away. as stiff as a statue, silently watching Mike with such a look of hatred as only a savage can give. Mike ordered his crew to push off from the shore. As the boat swung into the stream, be cooked his rifle, took aim at the Indian, and out of mere bravado fired. To his own intense astonishment the Indian fell 1 Indignant at so wanton a murder, the people were excitedly gathering to pursue the slayer, when “Proud Joe” astounded them by springing to his feet unhurt, Wild with passion and furious with the most vin- dictive rage, be buried his tomahawk with all his strength in the direction of the retreat- ing boat, poured forth, in Cherokee, a short but fiery stream of threats against the dis- appearing Mike, and stabbed the very air in that direction with his bunting-knife. I‘hen burying his face in his blanket, as if ashamed to meet the wondering gi z: of the increasing crowd, he hurriedly departed and was seen at that landing no more. His rage and humiliation were quickly understood by the settlers, versed in savage ways, for there lying upon the ground when: he had stood was “Proud Joc’s" decorated scalp-lock, which the unerriug riflmau, true to his reckless threat, had cut clear from the Indians head i It was a wonderful feet, and was soon heralded far and wide. Mike had made the greatest shot of his life, but in doing so he had inflicted upon Joe the deadliest insult and the most terrible disgrace that an In- dian could suffer. He had shoru "Proud Joe" of his scalp lock, the most sacred sym- bol of dignity and courage which the red man possessedâ€"the one thing which a war- rior would surrender only in death, for to lose it without losing his life stamped him as the most despised thing amiug his racâ€" a coward. Mike had made his most famous shot, but in the eyes of an Indian he had given un- pardcnahlc offence. A: an exploit i: was murderous, as an insult gratuitous. The reckless ‘ Soappin’ Turtle ’ and his passing on their long and tedious route the drcaied refuge of the ion! pirates, HIKE PINK AnD PROUD J 05. l unsettled and namelesshelghtsof Vicksburg, down the ~ must wait for her. . ,my dear Miss Van Wrinkle, wouldn't it be ICSW in rcck. Then the boat flnted by the | just as well for you to wait for m? fâ€"_L'fe. Divinity Degrees. \ , Among the matters oommemora d at the re cent Jubilee of the Diocese of Toronto, th ere were few things of more importance th an the action of the Provincial Synodwith reference to degrees in Divinity. It may teem surprising to those who have not fho ught much on this subject, that three or sou r years (perhaps a larger space of time) fiho nld have elapsed since the question was crst mooted in its present form :hut we .hink that very important results have been tccu red in the interests of theological educa- ion. T here can be no doubt that degrees in Div inity have become a byword, represent- ing one of the worst of shame in an age whic h abounds in shame. Dr Philip Schsfi', who has ample means of knowledge, has declared that there are more Doctors or Div- inity in the city of New York than on th° whole con tinentIOf Europe. But the,‘clty of New York, great and important as it is, con- stitutes but a small pertain of the comment on which we live ; and it is quite startling to think of the numbers of D. De, S. T. D‘s., and the like, who adorn the various Canadian and American Churches. The lamentable thing is, that these degrees in many cases represent no theological learning worth mentioning. It is even whispered that some of those dccorat ed could not read one chapter of the Greek Testament from end to end. Indeed, to such length has the malady grown that many American clergy- mcn refuse to be made doctors, lest they should be classed among the im postors. . To the credit of tho Canadian Universities it must be said that, as far as is known, they have been generally careful in the conferring of their degrees, higher or lower. The examinations for B. D. and D. D., as for as they have come under our notice, have been quite as high as they could reasonably be made. The honorary degrees have been generally conferred upon men who will grace them, instead of bringing them into disrepute ; so that we may feel satisfied that most of those among us who have been decorated are really not unworthy of that houour.-â€" [The Week. wended its lonely way past melancht ly forests draped in funeral moss, and after wee-ks of toil and « xgosure made a landing ata solitary spot not far above Natchez Regardless of possibly hostile surround: lugs, for they Were now within the boundary of the Crioctaws and the Cherokees, the rough but l‘ght hearted boatznen fiddled and irolicked the evening air-W. and only Went t- rest when the moon rode high. Soundly the revellers slept. and the old craft seemed as mus“ a. she silent waters and the still more lonely shore. Then suddenly without the slightest warn- ing, or even the movemen: of a suspicious Then the night silence was broken by a ing, or rails shots, followed by a terrific was-whoop l The slumbering “watch,” on the deck of the flatboat, pierced by half a dozen bullets, groaued in his sletp and died. - Mike and his crew of five or six boatmen had barely time to draw their knives and spring out, when seven painted savages leap- ed on the boat. White men and redskins instantly grappled, struggled and fought with the quickness and ferocity of tigers. But the conflict was brief. In two minutes the savages were worsted. Three of the seven regained the shore. Four lay out- stretched on the deck, and along with them two of the boatmen. Immediately the boat was cut loose, and pushed out into the current. Determined to see to what tribe the attacking savages belonged, Mike ordered the bodies to be kept on board till morning. After sunrise he examined their bloody blankets, and noticed the style of their beaded moccasins, their weapons and their ornaments, but was undecided whether they were Choctaws or Cherokees, until one of the bodies was turned over by a boatman, when all doubt was dispelled. For an instant Mike stood transfixed with astonishment, then his loud exclamations of surprise brought the crew around him in haste. Upon the lifeless warrior's head there was but a short, crisp stamp of hairâ€" the scalp-lock was gone i It was in truth the body of “Proud Joe, ’ the haughty Cherokee, that was lying before them, and in that significant fact the boat- men read a whole volume of deadly resolve. The dishonored Indian had sought and obtained the assistance of his kinsmen. With the ferocity and persistance of bloodhounds. the warriors had dogged the boat along the river. Day after day, and week after week, from the time the boat left Louisville, they had followed Mike. Animated by a remorseless and tireless hatred, they kept up the pursuit, Wading swamps, swimming rivers, risking capture by hostile tribes, threading more than a thousand miles of trackless territory, to avenge the insult of the scalp-lock. At last the sought for opportunity for a night attack had presented itself, and they had struck for vengeanceâ€"but in vain. Mike’s greatest shot thus cost the lives of three boatmen and four Cherokees. The wonderful but reckless rifleman â€"â€" "the last of the fl itboat-men”-â€"met a tragic fate himself, at length. He was murdered in a brawl with a gang of other equally law- less characters. Iu was a fitting end to an unworthy career. Didn’t Say Ffe Lied, but She Looked It. The other night an old citizen of our city, who is somewhat fond of playing pool, came home rather late. His wife was asleep. When she awoke in the morning she found on the floor a ball upon which was the num- ber “ 17 " “What's this ‘2" she said to her lord, eyeing the ball suspiciously, “it dropped out of your coat pocket. What is it, I say? ’ The old man opened his eyes, looked, blushed, was confused and stammered: “Whyâ€"whyâ€"it’s a marble, ain't it? ’ “ That may be, ’ said she, “ but what are you doing with a marble in your pocket at your time of life 2 ’ “In my pocket? Wellâ€"haâ€"the fact is, I've had that marble in my pocket for the last thirty five years, ever since 1 used to play for keeps with my brother Bill." "indeed l” incredulously asked his wife ; “butwhat are these figures on here for? What does seventeen mean 1” Meanâ€"seventeen mean i" said he hesitat- ingly. "0h, seventeen 1 Why, thit was the number of marbles Bill owed me when We quit playing ; be marked it on there so I wonldn’a forgot it." His wife didn’t say he lied, but she looked as if she thought so. Had Got Used to Cheekiuess. "Can I use your telephone a minute ‘2” she asked, as she ran into a neighbor’s on Second avenue with a shawl over her head. “Oh, certainly." “I am going to give a party fuethwoek, and I want to invire a few friends." “+â€" Enoouraging Example- A contributor to “ Nature ” recounts the "Yes!" followin instance of i 1 "It igito be a very select party.” instructigve example : n ma Iympathy and Xesl " Some years ago we had two cats, a tabby .‘gglg‘jny friends. and a powerful tom, perfectly white all over. One day I happened to be in the attic, and noticed them go out on the slates, when Tom jumped across the yard to the next roof. It appeared to me a splendid leap, considering the width of the yard and the height of the roof. When Tabby came to the edge of the slates her courage failed, and she uttered a cry of distress, whereupon Tom turned round and leaped back, and, giving a cheerful mew, as much as to say, “ Look how easily it can be done,” jumped across again, this time fol~ lowed by Tabby, to my great delight. “And, therefore, youâ€"you won’t beâ€"?" “Angry if I am not invited, nor won’o consider it cheeky if you use my telephone to invite others! On, no. Auv one who keeps a telephone in the house for use of the neighbors soon gets used to anything. Why, a man came in here the other day and used the line to call my husband up down town and dun him for a bill ? Go ahead and call up the sub-cflice.”â€"[Dstroit Free Press. Ilo Confidence in Trusts. Augustus (who has just proposed and has been accepteflâ€""Anu will you always trust me, dearest 'z” Angelinaâ€"“I am opposed to the balefui influence of trusts. Suppose you put your proposal in writing and avoid possible mis- understandings."â€" [ America. Thought She Was Safe. Judgeâ€""Your age I" Ladyâ€"“Thirty years." Judge (incredulously(â€""You will have some difficulty in proving that." Lady (excitedly)â€""You’ll find it hard to prove the contrary, as the church register .which contained the entry of my name was burned in the year 1845." Heading Him Off. “ Yes, Miss Jenkenoir,” said Gus Sc filv. “ I’ve had a great many disappointments.” " Indeed,” said the young lady, “ they do not seem to have materially affected you." “ No;Irealiza the force of the proverb, ‘ man proposes,’ you know." " Yes. and woman very frequently rejects him."â€"[Merchant Traveler. Gastronomicai Items. Waiter (to party from the country, just seated)â€"Here's a bill of fare, sir. (,i :ntlemau (from tho ruraldistrlcts)â€"Now, look here i if you think I've gwlno to pay any bill of fare till I’ve had somethin’ to eat, you're foolln' yourself. Fetch on your vit- le s first. Handy to Edi-7e in the House. Mrs. Youngbrideâ€"" How does your break- fast eult you this morning, darling 2” Mr. Youngbrideâ€"” Just right. I tell you, Annie, it may be plebelan, but I am awfully fond of calf's liver.” Mrs. Youngbrideâ€"“ S) am I. Don’t you think, George, it would be real nice and economical to keep a calf, then we can have cali’s liVer for breakfast every morning, ’ In A Cheap Restaurant. Customer: This is vegetable soup. I ordered chicken. Waiter (' xamluing the soup) : Dst's so, sir ; my mistake. I t’ought dem celery tops wus feathers. Their Prospects. Pater : On your prospects will depend my acceptance of you as a cousin law. Would-be Son-ln-iaw: H’m l “'cii my prospects depend entirely on your acceptance of me as your son-in-law. A Practical Illustration. " " Dearest, you have made me the happiest man in the world," said the fond lover after his sweetheart's consent. " We are from henceforth one,” said he. “ 0h, isn't that lovely l" she ccoed. “ All one, eh i Just as if you were I and I wore you.” The Feeling was Femaliar. " Yes, dear, we shall know each other's thoughts and feelings andâ€"why, what’s the matter, love 1'" “ l. felt something bite us, didn’t you 2" Cashier (in retirement in Bruinâ€"Oh, I had a terrible scare to day. ” “What frightened you ‘:" “I'was bathing in the river. when an electric eel came fooling around. I thought for a half a minute that I was back in New York."â€"â€" [N. Y. Sun Making Light of It. "I am afraid,"sald Algernon, in a despair- ing tone. “that you are disposed to make fight. of my declorozions of affection." ‘~\\'ay, Sir. DJ Jonesâ€"ch could you have guessed it i" “Guessed what '1 ’ “That I gave your last letter to Luther Harry to light his cigar with.” An Alternative- Mr. Bitcheldcr: I am twenty-six now, Miss Van Wrinkle. and unless some girl smiles on me soon I fear I am doomed to celibacy. Bliss Van Wrinkle: Never mind. Mr. Batchelder, I have a pretty little sister who will be making her (Mu! soon. I'd like to have you in the fimily, you know, so you LIT. Bitcheifior: If it's a family sfl’sir,