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World Series Morgan--Style That zany of radio and tele- vision, Henry Morgan, combines a marvelous sense of humor with a devastating disrespect fox the banal. The product is a charming hilarity -- as wit- ness these excerpts from his murderously funny take-off on statistically crazed World Series announcers. } * * Ee] LJ "Good afternoon, baseball 'fans, welcome to Yankee Sta- dium. . . . First up will be Alsab Grundella, Grundella was born in Big Rock, Utah. His father was born in Medullah, Ohio, He stands five feet eight, sits two feet five. His father weighs a hundred and three pounds. His lifetime batting average is seventy-two percent as good as Phil Rizzuto's, and eighteen percent worse than Sam Full- er's. Sam is a friend of his who lives 'in Conshohocken, Penn- sylvania, and pays four hundred and eight dollars a year in taxes. c - "Hmm, struck him out." Later: - } "Next up is Dominick Sturte- vant. He's six feet twp lying down, and his lifetime hat size is six and a quarter. Last year, against the Boston Braves, he batted two oh eight in Braves Field alone, but since that club went to Milwaukee he no long- er has any record for Braves Field He never finished the sixth grade. The sixth grade finished him. "And there he is on second. Notice the way he's scratching his head? That's the seventy- third time in a World Series that a man on second base has scratched his head at one thirty- six on a Wednesday afternoon with the thermometer standing at sixty-eight degrees. How about that? "Let's see . . , the batter will .be Francis Dances. Dances came up to the majors by train. He was born in Tehachapi, Ida- ho, at an early age . .. original- ly 'was slated to become a deep sea diver, but one day he went down into the subway and got the bends. During the Winter ~ months he lives in Sumatra, where he raises tin . . . hmm, triple play. "First up for the Dodgers is Desmond Franchise. Franchise hails from Wambsgans, Texas, * lives now in a trailer outside Oak Park, Tennessee, four children and a ping pong set. Let's see, the count on him is three and two. You'll notice that the umpire behind the plate is holding up two fingers . on his right hand, three fingers on his left. That's all he has. - Here comes the pitch, by the way, this fellow Franchise has avery -interesting background..." SHOP LOCALLY The farmer in the hardware store asked.the price o! an axe. "That'll be $1.75," said the merchant, The farmer opened a mail- order catalogue he had. with "him and pointed to the same item. "These people sell it for $1.40." 3 "0K." said the proprietor, "if they can sell it for that, so can I That!ll be $1.40 plus 18¢." "Why the 18¢?" "If you sent off for it, you'd have to pay postage." The farmer had to agree. He rounted out $1.58 and handed it lo the merchant who wrapped up the axe and placed it on a shelf. } "But I want to take it with me," said the farmer, The merchant shook his head. *Come back in three days and It's yours." - He has .up his camera and sent WAGON WHEELS WEST--The Ernest Elfgren family of East Killingly, Conn., is shown near Han- nibal, Mo, en route to Nebraska. The Elfgrens started out for. California last year, but made it only to Jerseyville, Hl, when they were forced to return home for the fall opening of school. The family includes Mom and Pop and five children. " | Unarmed Hunter What would you do if, un- armed, you met a lion face to face in the African bush? Ada Cherry Kearton once put that question to her famous animal- photographer husband, and he replied: "Stare it out." That's what. he'd done one day when he went quail-shooting with a fellow-officer, armed only with small shotgun, became sep- arated from him in the thick scrub and, rounding a bush, sud- denly faced a magnificent black- maned lion only eight feet off. Cherry stood motionless, knowing that the slightest move would sign his death warrant, as- they stood staring at each other. At last the lion snarled, show- ing great curving teeth and his eyes dropped. He lay down, the snarl becomilg an angry growl, his tail rose, and Cherry knew he was wondering whether to charge. " But his stare, as he stood motionless, seemed to worry the lion, who began to edge slowly back after four or five minutes, . with rumbling but_slightly puz- zled growls. Finally he moved slowly off into the bush. Cherry stood, covered in: perspiration, for several minutes more, won- dering if the lion was watching him, then went back to camp. Another time a message came from a kraal in Southern Tan- ganyika saying that several natives had been killed" by a man-eating lion or lioness: could he come to their aid? Cherry set out to track down the killer with two other hunters, but to- wards evening lost the trail and returned towards the village, Cherry and one native going .on ahead armed only with a cam- era. Suddenly, at the foot of. a small hill, they saw five lions feeding off a gazelle. Cherry set the native back to hurry up the others and bring his gun. He reckoned that as the lions had just fed they wouldn't take much interest in him, But he hadn't allowed for the 'meal being -insufficient, and it~ wasn't many minutes before a big lioness got up, jawned, fastened her eyes then advanced a few yards and stood considering him, while the others ranged behind her. This, he thought, was probably the man-eater. When the whole pride began {fo move slowly forward, some- thing had to be done, and quick- ly. If he stood still they would soon reach him, if he turned and ran they would be after him in a flash. There weree.no climable trees. &" . .that unless he varied the game 'life with Cherry "On Safari" -- on Cherry, . ; Mrs. Kearton said they would He did the only possible thing --dropped flat in the waist-high grass, and after two nerve-rack- ing minutes, cautiously raised his head. The lions, evidently mys- tified, had stopped. But the lioness began moving forward: again, straight for where he lay. Like a jack-in-the-box he sprang to +is feet, halting the astonished lioness. But after a few minutes she came on again, with steady purpose. He realized it could have but one ending; so the next time he dropped out of sight Jhe began working his way backward in different direc- tions, jumping up every now and then to see where she had got to. Soon it became apparent that she was coming forward faster than he was going back, until she was less than thirty yards y T side to side while it gambolled 'playfully around hm, When the cub became too rough, bting and hanging on to father's ear, his paw came downs with a heavy smack. They kept up the game for -nearly half an hour before exhausted, it crept to its mother and fell asleep by her side. From another side they saw a troop of about 110 baboons come cautiously to the water's edge. Ten or twelve would drink to- gether, with two or three sent- inels scouting along either bank. Almost the last to drink were a family -- father, mother and a young baby, whom father picked up and held awkwardly in his arms while mother stooped to drink. / © On a sudden warning bark from a sentinel -- who had prob- ably heard the whirring of the TWO CONES ND A COFFIN--Ten-year-old twins Allen, left, and Barry Jones tempt. the glass-ccoffined Blondini with their ice cream cones. Blondini, the "White-Yogi", plans to spend two months in the glass tomb, buried under two tons of sand. He will exist on only glucose water. The endurance feat is being attempted at Brighton, England, where Blondini once chalked up 12 hours on a bed of nails. away, and about to charge. Yet the next time he sprang to his feet the whole pride had van- ished, the two hunters with their bearers appeared on a near-by ridge, and the frightening or- deal was over. In a most vivid account of her often watch lions at their "kill" from a hide near a water-hole. Once they saw a charming fam- "ily scene -- father, mother and a cub by the remains of a zebra, The mother lay on her back, - rolling every now and then from side to side. Father licked the cub all over, then took hold of it with his front paws and roll- ed over on his back, hugging it to his chest. Then he rolled from > SAFETY FIRST--New York Giants' pitcher Ruben Gomez (left) heads for the dugout as Joe Adcock of the Braves comes running after him in Milwaukee, Adcock, taking his base after Reing hit by a pitch, was exchanging words with Gomez, who suddenly threw the ball at him. Gomez said he ran because he was afraid of what the big first sacker might do to him. cameras in the hide -- the whole troop bolted. Father, in his hur- ry to scramble up the bank, most ungallantly dropped the baby, who rolled down almost into the water-hole, jumped up, leapt into a thorn tree, and was com- pletely hidden. For several minutes there was silence, then an excited mutter. ing from a near-by hillock as the baby was missed. Presently the parents crept cautiously back, the mother spotted her babe perched aloft, rushed to- wards it with arms outstretched--{- In a flash it had jumped down and both vanished. ' Once Cherry was photograph- ing a dozen or more hippos from a small punt on a lake when one bull slid into the water from the mud bank, headed for him, and dived. A hippo attacking a boat, Mrs. Kearton says, will either try to crush it in his huge jaws, biting it in half, or dive and try to capsize it by surfacing under- neath. -Realizing his danger, Cherry dropped his camera and seized a paddle. The boat shot round and headed for shore, closely pur- sued by the irate hippo. Once he tried to gain ground by putting a mud-bank between them, but the hippo cleared it at a bound, then surged angrily towards the noat, repeatedly diving. Cherry had about sixty yards 'to cover before reaching the shore, and reckoned that only the shallow water of the last twenty saved him. Mrs, Kearton says that, for savage drama, a fight between a rhino and crocodile on. the Tana River bank has seldom .been equalled. "Immediately the rhino's mouth touched the water to drink there was a swirling rush of foam and the croc seized its lower jaw and slowly but surely dragged it in. A full grown rhino wejghs something over two tons, and is among the most powerful and dangerous of beasts. But even with the frantic strength born of terror it was dragged in to the river and within three minutes had disap- peared. Speed-up Your Rate of Reading You are reading this article ---but have you any idea at what speed? Are you a fast or a slow reader? If you are one of the millions of people who can read and di- gest printed words very quickly, you'll be intersted in a new gad- get called a tachistoscope which' is now in daily -use in 300 col- leges and universities in the United. States. : It's a little screen which slides down.over the printed page at a set speed, compelling the reader to keep pace with it. As the reader becomes more ef- ficient, the screen's speed 1s in- creased. ; Some of the students now taking course in quick and ac- curate reading find they can read as many as 1,800 words a minute, That's good going. Com- pare it with the speed of 450 words a minute which experts declared in 1946 was a pretty good working average for an educated person. What happens when you read? The eye moves along the lines of print in- a series of jumps and pauses. Nothing is taken in ~ while the eye is in movement, and only during the short pauses are words recognized. Average pause for a good reader is one-fifth of a second --of a poor reader, about one- third of a second. So, in ten minutes'reading, the good reader ' is a long way ahead-of the poor reader. Some people recognize as many as four words in one pause, while others are limited to one or even part of a word. FOOT-NOTE: Greatest read- ing speed ever achieved was that of a Victorian student "of liter- ature who proved he could read and remember fifty words a second, He sometimes read six novels a day. r Poor Security A daring Mexican girl of about cighteen nicknamed Lola has hit 'on a new method to de- fraud shopkeepers. First she kidnaps a child from the street, offering the inducement of candy or cake. Then she enters a ship, makes a purchase and suddenly discovers that- she has forgotten her money. She tells salesgirl or proprietor that she will come back immediately with the money and leaves "her child" as security. But the girl may soon fall in- to police hands, for she has tried the same trick at least a dozen times. In one case the girl took six- year-old Maria Rojas while her mother was shopping in an- other part of the store. Lured J by candy, the child went will- ingly and was led to a shoe store where the kidnapper bought sveral pairs of shoes, found she had- forgotten her money, and left the hopeless Maria as security. It was only an hour later that the shve store proprietor felt alarm, questioned a restless and crying Maria, and. found that the strange young lady was not her mother. Lola's "cuckoo" tricks. have got her a big nest- egg. But it could ohly happen fn Mexico where many toddlers wander the streets unsuper- . vised. Or could it? CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING AGENTS WANTED GO INTO BUSINESS for yourself. Sell exclusive houseware products and appliances wanted by every house- holder. These items are not sold In stores. 'There is no competition. Profit up to 500%. Write immediately for free color catalog with retall prices shown. Separate confidential whole- le price will be- included. 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ISSUE 31 -- 1956 ' Protect your BOOKS and CASH tron etc to Dept W and type of Safe or Cabinet, for an) FIRE and THIEVES. We have a sizq purpose. Visit us or write for price J.6¢J. TAYLOR LIMITEC TORONTO SAFE WORKS' 145 Front St. E. Established il l'oronto 1855 TO BRITISH PORTS: Figs) Class from $200 "Tourist Class from $145 - CUNARD TO EUROPE LATE SUMMER AND FALL SAILINGS At Thrift-Season Rates WOUND TRIP FOR AS LITTLE AS $290 *From Quebec {Summer Seoson Rates Apply See your local agent-- No one can serve you better CUNARD LINE Phone EMpire 2-1481 TO FRENCH PORTS: First Class from $207:50 Tourist Class from $150 VESSEL From MONTREAL To VESSEL From NEW YORK To SCYTHIA [*Wed. AUG. 1 Havre, Southampton | QUEEN EUZABETH | tWed. AUG. 1 Cherbourg, Southampton ¥ SAXONIA the. AUG. 3 Greenock, Liverpool PARTHIA {Fri AUG. 3 Greenock, Liverpool IVERNIA Fil. AUG. 10 Liverpool QUEEN MARY Wed. AUG. 8 Cherbourg, Southampton ASCANIA Wed. AUG. 15 Havre, Southampton BRITANNIC Thurs. AUG. 9 Cobh, Liverpool CARINTHIA fri. AUG. 17 Greenock, Liverpool QUEEN ELIZABETH | Wed. AUG. 15 Cherbourg, Sauthampton SAXOHNIA Fil. AUG. 24 Liverpool MEDIA Fi. AUG, 17 Liverpool SCYTHIA *Wed. AUG. 29 Havre, Southampton CARONIA Fri. AUG. 17 Southampton - IVERNIA Fri. AUG, 31 Gresnock, Liverpool MAURETANIA Sot. AUG. 18 Cobh, Havre, Southampton CARINTHIA Fri. SEPT. 7 Liverpool QUEEN MARY Wed AUG, 22 Cherbourg, $ ympton ASCANIA . Wed. SEPT, 12 Havre, Southampton FRANCONIA Thurs. AUG. 23 Cobh, liverpool SAXOMNIA Fri. SEPT. 14 Greenock, liverpool QUEEN ELIZABETH Wed AUG, 29 Cherbourg, Southampton IVERNIA Fri. SEPT. 21 Liverpool PARTHIA Fi. AUG. 31 liverpool ' SCYTHIA *Wed SEPT. 26 Havre, Southampton QUEEN MARY Wed. SEPT, 5 Charbourg, Southampton CARINTHIA Fri. SEPT. 128 Liverpool BRITANNIC - Thurs, SEPT, [2] Cobh, .lverccol SAXOHNIA Fri. OCT, 5 Greenock, liverpool MAURETANIA CF. SEPT, 7 Cobh, Havra, fovthampton ASCANIA Wed. OCT. 10 Havre, Southampton QUEEN EUZABETH Wed. SEPT, 12 Cherbourg, Southampton IVERNIA Fri. OCT. 12 Liverpool MEDIA Fri. SEPT, 14 Liverpodl CARINTHIA Fri. OCT. 19 Greénock, Liverpool QUEEN MARY Wed. SEPT. 19 Charbourg, Scuthampton SCYTHIA 'Wed OCT. 24 Havre, Southampton FRANCONIA Thurs, SEPT, 20 Cobh, Liverpool SAXONIA Fri. OCT, 26 Liverpool QUEEN EUZABETH Wed. SEPT." 26 « Cherbourg, Southampton IVERNIA Fil. NOV. 2 Greenock, Liverpool MAURETANIA Thurs, SEPT. 27 Cobh, Havre, Southampton ASCANIA Wed. NOV, 7 Havre, Southampton PARTHIA Fri. SEPT, 28 Liverpool CARINTHIA Fil. - NOV. 9 Liverpool QUEEN MARY Ved OCT. 3 Charbourg, Southampton SAXONIA Fil. NOV, 146 Greenock, Liverpool BRITANNIC Thurs. OCT, 4 Cobh, liverpool SCYTHIA *So1. NOV, V7 Havre, Southampton QUEEN ELIZABETH Wed. OCT, 10 Cherbourg, Southampton IVERNIA tl Sal. NOV, 24 Havre, Southampton MEDIA Fri. OCT, 12 Liverpool CARINTHIA Thurs, NOV, 29 Grasnock, Livarpdol MAURETANIA Tues. OCT, 18 Cobh, Havre, Southampton gos > WTA i RR IA x Cn " i « 5 i 3 £ { Rd 3 dd © 9 i « 5 % i |X } iA ¥ 3 Si tmnt Pll 0