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1 H fc ag Si Courtroom Comedy "If you want sensation and drama look to the Old Bailey, But if you want human comedy, look to the little local courts." +. Fifty years have passed since a lawyer wrote those words, but they are just as true today. - Especially were they true in a London court the other day when a magistrate asked a wife why her husband refused to attend' to answer a charge. "Because," she explained, "he says 'all you do here is talk, talk, talk." 4 And there is the case of the County Mayo labourer who found a novel way of paying a £5 fine for poaching, He ask- ed the magistrate if he could pay in goods as he never had money, hTe magistrate agreed; and next day the labourer delivered twenty poached pheasants to the court as his fine, One of the funniest court incidents occurred many years ago. A motor cyclist had been summonsed because his motor- cycle combination was too noisy and disturbed the peace. So he wheeled the combination = the last few hundred yards to the court, then. asked the #magis- trate if he had heard fat ar rive. : Ae Sn ou The magistrate said he had not and dismissed the charge; the man left, but a minute later - there came an Infernal racket outside. The magistrate yelled: "Bring that man back!" But nobody moved from the court. The noise of the starting cycle was 80 deafening that nobody could catch the magistrate's words! A few days later the mag- istrate : had : occasion to shout again. A" grocer appeared be- fore, him. on black market charges, and asked. if he might whisper to the bench on a very personal matter, ; The magistrate agreed, bent FOR THE BIRDS--That's what many homemakers in Ham Common, England, seem to think of this statue. Called "Home Making," it represents a woman examining a bird's nest and Is the work of modernist Keith .Godwin. On the grounds of a new apartment project, it's 'being viewed skeptically by Mrs," June Rossdale and son, James, 3. forward, and the grocer whis- pered in his ear, Then the magistrate's face crimsoned, and he yelled: "No! I don't want' five pounds worth of black market butter. Pay a hundred pounds: for trying to bribe the court!" ° always willing to help those who appear before them. A Negro charged with stealing that he could be tried by - the judge or, if he wished, by a jury of 'his peers. "Peers?" queried the Negro. "are your equals. Men from your own walk of life." "You try me, judge," the Negro blurted out. "I don't want to be tried by no thieves!" A judge in Chicago asked a " slow-witted hoodlum _last year why he had stolen halt a million in bonds, The hoodlum thought a moment, then, "Why, because I was hungry, judge," he smiled. A Texds mother refused at Houston to pay her doctor's bill after her son had had measles. Asked to explain, she told the court: "My son had measles first and passed it to all the kid in the district. The doctor made a fortune out fo it. Since my-- boy started it, I think the doc owes me a few thousand dollars by way of a commission," A Dublin lawyer recently told a court that his client had been forced to take home a cow which was not his property be- cause the animal had falllen on him and became entangled in his clothing. Needless to say, he lost that case. Humour in court is often pro- vided by a clash between lawyers, judges and even wit- nesses and jurors, A Kansas . lawyer yelled |._across the courtroom to his rival "recently, "You're a liar _and cheat!" . The rival answered: "And you're a grafter and boot- legger!" The judge interrupted dryly: "Now these two attorneys have accurately described each other, we will get on with the court's business." A New York lawyer, having been reprimanded by the judge, 'was looking for an opppor- tunity -to get his own back. It came sooner than he expected when he asked a witnesss had used. : "I would rather not," said the witness. "The words are not fit to repeat before gentlemen." "In that case," smirked the ~~ lawyer, "you can whisper them to the judge." : A Winnipeg lawyer took a knocking from an apparently dim-witted witness," when he asked how far the man had been from the scene of a crime. "Eighteen -feet four inches," came the quick reply. Smiling, the lawyer pounced in for the kill. "How can you be so specific?" he thundered. "I thought some darned fool would - ask me that," * snapped back the witness, "so I measur- ed the distance. A man in a Missouri court sued a hotel keeper who had "asked him to make. his own * bed. The hotel keeper, the man said, had pointed out there was a staff shortage and asked him it he would be kind enough to help out. He had readily agreed to make his bed, he said, until he got to the room which was in a newly opened wing. In the room he found nails, wood and a spring. He told the court that he did not think he-could be ex- pected to build his bed! ka hw goo ie os phe os pg HIGH SPY -- Gun-like barrel of this new optical tracker Is actually a 160-jnch; lens with which planes can be traced at distances up to 300 miles under ideal conditions. Operator at right sees the plane in natural color on the viewing scope. oer ER eigen dias n pas SS PR et >. mr |) Magistrates and judges are South - African judge told -& "Peers," the judge explained, | repeat the words the . accused | £ WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING MAN ?--Javier Pereira Is reputedly the world's oldest man--at the tender age of 167. The wrink- led, pint-sized South American Indian from Bogota, Colombia, stands four feet four inches tall and weights 75 pounds. He was flown from Barranquilla, Colombia, to the United States for an intensive scientific study on his condition at the Cornell Medical Center, Ithaca, N.Y. Above, Javier, who may have been born in 1789; calmly eats an ice cream cone in Miami, Fla., first stop on his trip to Cornell, Just By Way Of Breaking The Ice A Complete Story by JOHN JOHNS She was definitely worth a whistle. And Dick was in mid- whistle when his legs gave up the unequal struggle against gravity and he sat.on the ice- drome rink so hard that glasses bounced in the bar fifty feet away. . ta Not that that worried him un- duly. In the three weeks since he had begun to learn to skate he had accepted the fact that life's downs are more frequent than its ups. What really upset - him, I could see, was her laugh as she swept by on the arm of a burly ice-hockey player. I leaned over the rinkside bar- rier and pulled him to his feet. "Friend," I said, "keep your mind on your work." expression whceih in anyone else would indicate acute indigestion, but in his case is simply wistful- ness. : "A lovely girl like that with a moron like that," he groaned. "There's no justice." "Is that charitable?" I said. "He's probably kind to children and makes handsome contribu- tions to the ice-hockey players' benevolent league. And-anyway -- some fo my best friends are morons." He ignored me. Clutching the barrier, he hobbled off the ice and sat staring hungrily as she circled the rink. . "I'm going to learn to skate," he said, "if it kills me." "I like you better alive," I said. - "Come and have a pint to reduce your blood pressure. There are as good fish off the ice as on it." But he wouldn't move. There he sat, watching her for another hour, and there I sat with him, shivering, Finally, ta my relief, the ice was cleared as the last session ended, and Dick went to change. As I waited for him by the door, she strolled past on the arm of her hockey player, and I had to admit that she was what certain citizens might term a lush thrush. Dick emerged from the chang- ing room, and we walked out into the street, "How about that pint?" 1 asked, He grunted. His mind was on other things, "Lovely night," I said. He grunted again, and nearly walked into a lamp post. "The moon's bright green," I said, : He didn't even bother to grunt, "Her. name's Sadie," 1 said. He stopped dead. "How. d"you know :" "I heard that hockey player talking to her while vou were changing." He frowned. "Oaf!" "Look," I said, "let's not get personal." "Him, - IT mean," said Dick. "That muscle - bound hockey player." He crushed an inof- fensive matchbox with. his 'heel. Then: "How long does it take to become an expert skater?" "Years." He thought for a moment, "But it one spent all one's spare time, every day, practising. , ." s "Don't be a mutt," I said. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, then it's a waste of time. By the time you can d& a figure four, even, she'll be a veteran member of the House- wives' League." "Oh, shut up," he snarled, and mumbling something about hav- ing to get home, he ran for a bus. It was the wrohg one, but he was too dazed to notice. I had my pint alone, reflecting mournfully that I wasn't going to see much of him for quite a while, Me, I'm a non-skater. I don't mind sitting by "the rink now and again and watching, but enough's enough. Not for Dick, though. Other men might scale mountains or slay dragons for their beloved, but he--since the nearest moun- tain was 200 miles away and there was a chronic dragon sortage in London--was deter- mined to skate into her heart, once he was able to conquer a tendency to skate into more solid objects. A couple of weeks later I vis- ited the rink again. Fond though I was of Dick, it was obvious that skates and he hadn't much in common. "How's the affair: I asked, as he staggered off the rink and collapsed into the seat beside me, thankfully unlacing his boots. "Affair, my aching foot," he said bitterly. "I can't get near her when she's on the ice, and when she's off it there's always a brace of those barrel-chested hockey players round her." "Why don't you try an in- structor?" "I have. He resigned after one session. He said he wasn't in- sured." Dick sighed miserably. it; somehow he would have to meet Sadie--forcibly, if need be. I couldn't stand by and watch a friend pine away. "Look," I said, "of you were over there in the centre of the rink, face to face with her, could you do your stuff?" He cocked an eyebrow. "It you mean 'could I make a date-- I could have a darned good try." "Well, then. Suppose you stand with your back to the barrier and aim yourself at Sadie. Sup- pose I. give you a shove. You glide gracefully towards her, bump against her in passing, and stop to apologize. A few well- chosen words; and the rest fol- lows as night follows day. More or less." He thought for a moment. "How do I get back. from the centre of the rink? Ask her to push me like a wheelbarrow?" "You can worry about that once you get there. And you won't get there under your own steam for a long, long time." He hesitated. "Well, . . » Just then 'Sadie glided past, smiling at a tall youth in a red sweater beside her. Dick glared. "O.K. What have I got to lose:"" "That's the stuff,".1 said. "All we have to do is wait till she's in~the "centre of the rink, and = then--hey presto!" We waited, Dick standing on the ice, and I with my hands on his shoulders. The crucial mo- ment came when Sadie was alone in the centre of the rink, admir- ingly watching the antics of the red-sweatered youth, "Contact!" 1 said. "Contact!" I took careful aim and pushed. Dick lurched, recovered his balance, and catapulted away across theice. My aim had been perfect. No bee could have made a straighter line than the one he made for Sadie. Gentle bumps and well-chosen words , were obviously out of the ques- 'tion, I just had time to_shout 'fore" before he struck her squarely amidships, - Frantically clutching at each other, they skidded across the rink and crashed into the barrier, Sadie was well and truly In Dick's arms, That happy state of affairs I decided there was nothing for lasted just ten seconds--the time it took her to recover from the shock, flex her right arm, and give Dick a slap in the face that echoed round the icedrome, Five minutes later he walked --or rather I helped him--out of the rink for the last time. Oddly enough, he seemed hap- pier than he had been fér weéks. "L" he said, "have been an Idiot. I can't think how on earth I fell for that bad-tempered wench." . He smiled hroadly. "Come oh, let's have a pint to célebrate my return to dry land." I smiled, too. For a moment, back there on the rink, I had been afraid I hadn't pushed hard enough. : From "Tit-Bits"" How Can I? Q. How can I mend a leak In the umbrella? A. First cut a piece of mend- ing tissue a little larger than the hole. Then cut a piece of silk or cambric a little larger than the piece of tissue. Place tissue over the hole on under side of cover. Then place the silk or cambric over the tissue, tucking the edge under the tissue. Place a wet cloth over all and press with a hot iron. Q. How can I make a good so- lution to keep on hand for re- moving grease spots from wool- len goods? A. Put 1 ounce of pulverized borax in 1 quart of boiling wa- ter. Bottle and keep in a conven- . ient place for use when needed. Q. How can 1 prevent worn faucet threads? A. Be careful when scouring the faucets to clean away all scouring grit from the joints, or - it will work into the threads and soon wear them. Q. How can I make boys' pants wear longer? A. When making pants for the boys, try cutting the backs of the pants double. When a hole appears, turn in the worn edges and hem down to the under goods. The two pieces will be faded alike. . Q. How can I prevent new shoes from hurting at the heel? A. Rub the inside of the heel with hard soap before putting on. Try fastening cross strips of court plaster to your heel. The plaster will take the rub. Q. How can I clean the soiled edges of hooks? : A. Close the book tightly and erase the soiled marks with an ink eraser. Do not use this meth- od if the books are gilt edged. Q. How can I prevent waste when melting chocolate? A. Much of the chocolate Is wasted because it sticks to the sides and bottom of the con- tainer. This can be prevented by greasing the pan thoroughly be- fore putting in the chocolate. Q. How can I eliminate a ring or a stain on goods that has been left after using a cleaning fluid? A. First allow the spot to dry; then hold it over a steaming ket- tle until it disappegrs. Q. How can TI keep brown sugar soft? A. Keep the brown sugar in an open jar in the icebox and it will remain soft. This keeps ft from becoming lumpy. Q. How can I repair the lid of a cooking vessel when the knob has come off? A. Slip a screw through the hole in the lid, with the head on the inside of the lid, and screw a cork on the protruding end. This knob will not get hot and can be renewed when worn or soiled. Lawrence, Montreal. CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING AGENTS WANTED ferret 5007% PROFIT with Personalized "Blitz Shave", Created by a World-Renown: - by to ed German Scientist. Sell friends etc, . Five million Can shavers are prospects. Full Jears sup- Pi 0 $1.00. Free detalls, Aure aboratory, 199 Bay St. Toronto. GO INTO BUSINESS for yourself, Sell exclusive houseware products and ap- llances wanted hy every householder, hese items are not sold In stores, There is no competition. Profits up to 800%. Write Immediately for free color catalogue with, retall fuices shown, Separate confidential wholesale price will be Included. Murray Sales, 3322 St, ARTICLES FOR SALE IT'S SEW-EASY Ready to assemble Infant gowns of fin- est flannelette material; 3 In a Jacaige complete with {Instructions for ol $1.98. Send Money Order with name and address to OGILVIE LINE OF ESSENTIALS Box 153, O'Connor Station, Toronto 16, Ontarlo, BABY CHICKS BRAY chicks avallable now. Pullets. Brollers. And It's the pullets now that catch the good Grade Large markets in '57. Hatching weekly, Order in ad- vance If possible, but ask for list of chicks on hand. Bray Hatchery, 120 John N., Hamliton, STARTED chick bargains, two, three and four week old, Non sexed, pullets, cockerels, immediate dellvery, all popu- lar breeds. Also booking orders now for fall and winter delivery. Speclal egg breads dual purpose breeds, Brollers, first generation Indlan_ River _ cross (Lancaster x Nichols. No, 12 pullet) Arbor Acre white rock. Turkey poults, Broad breasted bronze, large white, A.O. Smith Broad white, Beltsville. Five to six weeks old heavy breed cockerels. Special $153 while they last. Assorted breeds $14.95 per hundred. Catalogue. TWEDDLE CHICK HATCHERIES LTD. FERGUS ) ONTARIO FOR SALE FOR SALE -- ENTIRE BEEF HERD _ - Cows and Calves. Apply P,0. Box 127, Brantford, Ontario. NEW guns and rifles at wholesale rices; write for our wholesale prices Betore buying. Trans-Canada hole- sale Co., Box 852, Ottawa, Ont, OPPORTUNITIES FOR MEN AND WOMEN SELL "Merlite" fire alarms, O on f{lashlight batteries, Neat, Fast seller, Every home a p Good commissions. Particulars: Box Bishop Falls, Newfoundland. hi BE A HAIRDRESSER JOIN CANADA'S LEADING SCHOOL Great fglrdrossing r Learn Halrdre Pleasant dignified profession; g wages. Thousands of succe Marvel graduates. America's Greatest System Mustrated Catalog Free Write or Call MARVEL HAIRDRESSING SCHOOLS 358 Bloor St. W. Toronto Branches: 44 King St, Hamliton 72 Rideau $t., Ottawa PATENTS THE RAMSAY COMPANY, Patent torneys, 273 Bank Street, Ottawa fers to every Inventor full Information free, on patent procedures. FETHERSTONHAUGH & hdd fb} Patent Attorneys. Established 1 600 University Ave., Toronto. Patents all countries. PERSONAL $1.00 TRIAL offer. Twenty-five deluxe J scaonal requirements. Latest cata. ogue included The Medico Agency, .Box 22, Terminal "Q". Toronto, Ont. DEAFENED? ASK for free booklet and testimonials telling how Leonard's Invisible Ear Drums have helped many others--or send $10 for complete kit, A, O. LEONARD COMPANY, Dept. 4, Box 306, Station F., Toronto, 5. SWINE IF you want to improve the Grade of your hogs, buy a Landrace Boar. Cross with any breed you have and you will note definite Increase In the number of Grade A hogs you sell. We are offer- ing serviceable boars, guaranteed in Ig sows, four month old sows and vy Weanling sows and boars, AM our foundation stock, Imported, from the best Breeders In Scotland. Cata- 1000s, RGUS LANDRACE SWINE FARM FERGUS ONTARIO WANTED HELP WANTED OVERSEAS job opportunities, Survey lists all major companies hiring; how and where to apply. Only $1. Satisfae- tion guaranteed. Rathe Research, Box 26131, Los Angeles 28, California. "WANTED to buy --~ Hay -- Apply P.O, Box 127, Brantford, Sntanto' ISSUE 42 -- 1956 TT MEDICAL PROVEN REMEDY -- Ever}. sufferer of Rheumatic Pains or Neuritis should try DIXON'S REMEDY, MUNRO"S DRUG STORE, 33S Elgin Ottawa $1.25 Express Prepaid POST'S ECZEMA SALVE BANISH the torment of dry eczema rashes and weeping skin troubles, Post's Eczema Salve will not disap- oint you. Itching, scaling and burn- ng eczema; acne, ringworm, pimples and foot eczema will respond readily to the stainless, odorless olntment re- gardless of how stubborn or hopeless they seem. Sent. Post Free on Receipt of Price PRICE $2.50 PER JAR POST'S REMEDIES 2865 St. Clalr Avenue East. TORONTO OPPORTUNITIES FOR . MEN AND WOMEN BOVS! Girls ' Get Samples. Christmas Cards, Statlonery, Noveltles, etc., now ! R. H. James R.R. 3, Metcalfe, Ontario. er --" HL a OPPORTUNITIES MEN and WOMEN TELEGRAPHERS wanted. We train and secure position. Plan a future. STENOGRAPHERS wanted. Ten weeks home course quelifies with ABC Sys. tem. Free folder either course. Cassan Systems, Superior Ave., Toronto. MERRY MENAGERIE "Poor guy -- fell into a cup of black coffee -- and he always takes it with cream and sugar!" " GOLDMINE CATALOG SAVINGS to 83% | Empire Automatls Electric Skillet, advertised In Life, $39.93, only $11.93. $7.95. Swiss-styls ry hunting knife, 10 Implements -- $3.95. Name Brand Appliances, house. wares, toys, televisions, power tools, sport egiloment; garden supplies, ewelry, giftware, etc. Unbellevable avings! Make this amazing Catal Kgs department store! Save gas me | raffle, parking headaches Save Hundreds -- espéclally this Christ- mas! Earn hundreds of dollars, selling to others! yL% refundable. RCO Cc N -- XI 34970 Newport Fontana, California. CANADA'S FINEST (el Nel W300 8 Also in service The new "CARINTHIA' and "IVERNIA" with their sister ship, ""SAXONIA"', provide fast and regular sailings to Ingland, Scotland and France. Fourth of the brilliant quartet of 22,000-ton vessels especially built for the Canadian service, the new "SYLVANIA" will make her maiden voyage to Montreal in June, 1957. the popular "SCYTHIA" and "ASCANIA"", TRAVEL NOW 'AT LOW THRIFT SEASON RATES! FROM MONTREAL ASCANIA , , ; Oct. 10, Noy. 7 to Le Hovre, Southampton, IVERNIA vv v Oct, 12, Nov. 2* to Liverpool; Nov. 24 to Le Havre, Southampton. CARINTHIA, , Oct. 19%, Nov. 9, Nov. 29* to Liverpool. ++ + Oct. 24, Nov. 17 to Le Havre, Southampton. SCYTHIA (from Quebec) SAXONIA , . | Oct, 26, Nov. 18* to liverpool. See your Local Agent -- No one can serve you better | a> Cunard i. Corner Bay A Wallington Sts, Toronto, Ont, Tel: EMplira 21a *calls at Greenock *cally at Greenock *cally at Gresnock 3 CHRISTMAS SAILINGS PERSONALLY CONDUCTED BY EXPERIENCED CUNARD PASSENGER REPRESENTATIVES IVERNIA Nov. 24 -- From Montreal ts La Havre, Southampton CARINTHIA Nav. 29 From Montraal to Greenock, Liverpool SAXONIA Dae, 19--From Halifax Pa hi Avi {an ie ' 1 N a a, CE rat on -- rr Ne oe WON 4 Ge war = NC Oa