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---- As There Is No Sense Of Humor In Red China's Chou En-lai By TOM CULLEN Newspaper Enterprise Assn. LONDON -- An obscure left- vind newspaper which most Jritons had never heard of has suddenly become something of v public hero since Red China's eaders started throwing tant- 'ums about it. The affair has shown the Chi- 1eses to be not only humorless ind wooden, but bullies as well, n British eyes. Thin-skinned Chou En-lai, Red China's prime minister, not only objected to an article which Tri- bune (40,000 circulation) had published as a joke, but began pulling wires in Peking and Lon- don to force the paper to pub- lish a retraction. "It was like using a steamroller to crush a butterfly," as one of the paper's reporters put it. In its New Year's issue Tri- bune published a number of sa- tires, including what purported to be an open letter from Chou to British Communists, in which he urges them to make 1963 "a year of liberation." The letter spoke of setbacks suffered in 1962 "due to the ma- chinations of Anglo - American imperialists and their lackeys Krushchev, Tito and Nehru," and gives a 'top secret" plan for lib- erating Europe. "Our British comrades will be glad to know that Calais is at last going to be restored to them and taken away from the deca- dent de Gaulle and Thorez," (the French Red leaders) the letter said. It spoke of liberating Goa from the "warmongering Nehru" and returning it to the "great Portu- guese people and their wonder- ful leader Salazar." It also makes CHOU: Behind that inscrutable smile is no sense of humor. mention of Leon Trotsky (whom all good Communists hate) as "our great comrade." Chou's first mistake was in taking the letter seriously. It appeared in a double-page of satirical articles including an ac- count of how the British Army had captured the House of Com- mons. The parody was not very funny, but every nation likes to think that its humor is best. If Chou did not appreciate the joke, he would have done better to ig- nore it. Instead, he committed Mistake No. 2. He set. the diplomatic mills grinding. In Peking a special press conference was called to condemn the letter as "a criminal act of forgery and calumny," while in London the Chinese Charge d'Affaires called at the Foreign Office. The Chinese diplomat actually requested the Foreign Office to pressure Tribune into publishing a retraction. This was Mistake No. 3. In vain, Sir Harold Caccia, the Permanent Under-Secretary at the Foreign Office, tried to ex- plain that the press in Britain is not government controlled. The Chinese looked unconvinced. In the end, in order to save as much Chinese face as possible, the Foreign Office agreed to have the statement "conveyed" to Tri- bune, which promptly published tl on the front page. It read in part: { | | { | | "The Charge d'Affaires of the People's Republic of China solemnly states that the above- said letter published in Tribune weekly is an out-and-out forgery aimed at smearing the policies of the People's Republic . . . and de- faming the leaders of the Chinese nation. . . . Resorting to . . a slanderous letter serves only to show how despicable and shame- less these elements hostile to the People's Republic . . . have de- graded themselves." Having staggered from blunder to blunder, Chou has apparently come to rest Toughest Cookies In A Rough Racket Halfback Paul Hornung stamp- ed into the dressing room, his teeth chattering uncontrollably. "The toughest game I've ever played in," he managed to say. Fullback Jim Taylor, five stitches etched on his right arm, ran his split tongue gingerly over his lips. "1 don't remember ever being hit so hard," he sad. "I bled all game." End Max McGee slumped on a chair in front of his locker, hi. hips blue, his whole body quivering, "It was so cold," he said, "so windy, 1 thought the game would never end." Hornung, Taylor, and McGee -- three of the regulars in the Green Bay Packer offense -- looked as beat and bedraggled as losers. But after a playoff game as viclous as any ever played, the Packers, for the sec- ond straight year, were the champions of the National Foot- ball League. With the tempera- ture at New York's Yankee Sta- dium dipping to 13 degrees, with the field frozen solid, and with winds swirling up to 40 miles an hour, the Packers defeated the New York Giants, 16 to 7. For their victory, the Packers could thank partly the clements -- which hampered New York's explosive passing attack -- and mostly their defense -- which was even rougher than the wea- ther on the Giant offense. "It's a great day for Green Bay and a great day for Vince Lombardi," said Packers coach Vince Lombardi, who spurned a six-figure bid from the Los An- geles Rams and reportedly re- ceived a $250,000 trust fund from the Packers. Next season the Packers will bid to become the first team in NFL history to win three straight playoff games. They have youth (average age: 26), they have tal- ent and they have something extra. "The Packers," said Giant linebacker Sam Huff, "are 36 tough s.o.b's" What People De To Ease Consciences An elderly, well-dressed wo- man called at a restaurant in Rye, Sussex, and had tea. When the time came to pay the bill, she told the proprietor: "Twenty years ago I had tea here and left without paying. I would like to pay for both teas now, please." Few of us realize to what lengths many people will go to ease their consciences. A man once thrust $1300 it the hands of a clergyman in - Dayton, Ohio, and said: "I rob- bed a meat market last night and couldn't sleep a wink. Please return it." Then he vanished. Some years ago Lord Shaftes- bury, the famous philanthropist and © social reformer, had his pocket picked and lost a gold watch. Two nights later there was a knock at his door and the butler found a bulky bag on the step. Inside thé bag was a boy of the "Artful Dodger" 'type. He was bound hand and foot and round his neck was the watch and a short note presumably written by one of the many London down-and-outs who had been helped by Lord Shaftesbury's philanthropy. "Excuse the little swipe," ran the note. "He didn't know what he was a doing of." Sad a ih wit ve NEW YEAR'S GREETING -- A disgruntled convict managed to make this license plate in California's Folsom Prison and, against almost prohibitive odds, it got through to Los Angeles OU it was displayed by Mrs. Tarsis Harris of the Depart- ment of Motor Vehicles. TE EET CP PE ERE TE SR TT LONG TIME AT SEA -- Dre years ago. ed in 15th Century costumes, crewmen of the Nina Il (back- round), a replica of Christopher Columbus' ship, land on the islund of San Salvador 97 ys after sailing from Palos, Spain. It took Columbus 70 days to reach the island 470 A Real Compact Car Way Back In 1927! When I tell my children that such automotive innovations as compact cars and stick shifts date back to my own youth, they re- gard the claim with skepticism. But the 1927 Chevrolet coupe I bought for $45 in 1935 was so compact that it could carry only three passengers. And except for Model T's, all cars came with stick shifts then. The prestige value of having a shift lever rooted to the floorboards was slight -- someday, we used to hope, the engineers would fig- ure out how to put it on the steering column or perhaps do away with it entirely. I was 16 when I bought the car. No operator's license was re- quired then in Ohio -- the law was passed a year or so later -- and I learned to drive by getting behind the wheel and starting down the road. I do not recom- mend this method, which depend- ed for its success on not meeting another driver until you had learned to steer. There were few- er cars on the country roads then and I can recall driving for miles with the car's radiator ornament lined up with the center stripe -- I felt safer keeping as far as pos- sible from the ditches. Some high school boys used to paint such slogans as "Capacity 6 Gals" and "Sez You" on their cars, but I felt such things were undignified. Instead, [ painted "Here Comes Philbert" on the front visor and "There Goes Phil- bert" on the back of the canvas top. "Philbert" was not my name, but the name of the car, and my friends and I created a small re- pertoire of songs to sing whiie tooling along at a steady 40 miles per hour, including one that was the tune of "Let Me Call all you Philbert," it in debt for you. 5 had equipped thejcar with a se}f-starter, but by time 1 ought it the starter { longér worked. It would have quired five dollars to get it 8) I had, by some miracle, r¢d five dollars all at one would not have wasted it such a luxury. I would have bdught gasoline, the one item the car consistently lacked. asoline had to be purchased one gallon at a time, often by tak- ing up a collection among the passengers. I can still recall run- ning out of gasoline late one win- try night in Windsor, Ohio, and pounding on the door of the com- bination grocery and filling sta- tion until the proprietor, who. lived upstairs, stuck his head out of the window and asked what we wanted. "We want to buy some gaso- line," I yelled back. He considered the matter. "How much gas you want?" he demanded. I consulted with my compan- ions to make sure of our finances. "One gallon," I told him. The filling station man 'slam- med down the window and went back to sleep. We were forced to wake up a nearby farmer and persuade him to siphon a gallon of fuel out of one of his tractors before we could continue our journey home, The pastor of a local church, whose son sometimes came to ride in Philbert, saved the used oil from his car and gave it to me, so there was no necessity to waste money on the recondition- ed oil then available at five cents a quart at the local garage. Tires were a problem, however. Not as pressing a problem as gaso- line, as long as the patches held out, but a problem, writes Robert W. Wells in the Christian Science Monitor. My recollection is that during the several years I drove the car I bought only one new tire for it. That occurred on a Sunday drive with a girl from Rock Creek, I dressed for my date in a clean \ Hse 3 - HORNSBY DEAD -- All-time baseball great Rogers Hornsby died in a Chicago hospital where he had been a patient since late last year: white shirt and white duck pants, although 1 should have known better. When the first blowout came, I accepted it as no more than I had expected. [ todk the rim and tire off of wheel pried the rim apart -- rims were not a solid piece of metal in those days -- removed the tire, patched the tube, put the tire back on the rim, fastened the lug nuts and pump- ed up the tire. 3 My duck pants were not as white as they had been, but that could not be helped. We rode along for another mile or two. The tire blew again. I climbed out, took off the rim, removed the tire, added a patch to the collection already present on the tube, put the rim and tire back on the wheel and pumped up the tire. When we were underway again, I was hot and weary and my once white clothes were a mess. The girl from Rock Creek had never ridden in Philbert be- fore. She regarded me quizzical- ly. ' "Do you many flats?" "We're over our quota," [ told her. "I usually average one to each 25.3 miles. The law of aver- ages is on our side now." As it turned out, the percent- ages played me false. I had two more flats which I fixed that af- ternoon and a final one which 1 always have this didn't bother fixing. When the |! last one occurred I didn't even get out of the car to look at it but simply went bumping along. on the rim to a filling station, where after an hour's discussion the proprietor agreed to let me have a five dollar tire on credit. It was several weeks before I put on the white duck pants again. I never did go back to see the girl in Rock Creek. She was a fine girl and pretty and had been a good sport about the whole miserable afternoon. But some- how 1 associated her with flat tires. The absence of a self-starter was not a major drawback Everyone knew how to crank a car then, just as every motorist knew how to patch an inner tube or clean a spark plug. There was == ne ne . A " "I didn't read the book. It would have spoiled the picture for me" a technique about car cranking-- the" art has since been lost -- and every one had his own the- ory about what grip to use. The point was that you had to be ready in case the car backfired and sent the crank whirling in the opposite direction. A cranker had to be ready at all times to dodge. Some motorists in those days still followed the practice of put- ting their cars up for the winter, removing the wheels and bat- tery to await the spring. But 1 did not follow this custom, even though I had to drain the radi- ator each time I stopped for any length of time to keep it from freezing and even though there are more pleasurable forms of exercise than cranking an auto- mobile on a cold February morn- ing. I can still remember those mornings, the snow deep on the Ohio fields. I would walk across lots to the old barn where a neighbor allowed me to keep the car. 1 would enter the barn and reach under the seat to find the piece of broken yardstick I used to measure the gasoline level. When I thrust it into the tank and drew it out to study in the light, it was rare to find anything but the tip of the stick moist. But this was enough. It meant there was enough gasoline for a few miles and before it ran out per- haps something would turn up. I would pull the hand throttle on the steering column two thirds of the way down, retard the spark level to minimize the danger of having the engine kick, pull out the choke. I would carry the cold crank to the front of the car, saying a few reassur- ing words to Philbert as 1 went, I would twist the crank patient- ly until finally the engine cough- ed into life, then run full speed toward the driver's seat, jump on the running board, reach in through the window to adjust ° the throttle, nursing the car into life. - : This generally happened sev- eral times before the engine - caught for good. But then, when the four cylinders were all fir- ing, 'T would drive off down the street in my 1927 compact, us- ing my stick shift, entirely con- tent. Would I have traded my stick shift for an automatic drive or my compact one-seater for a lux- urious sedan with a 'full tank of . gasoline? You can bet I would. But no one made the offer and so I rolled along in my replica of : the car of the future, waiting for the next blowout with a confi- dence that was never misplaced. Al! He Knew Was Just Baseball When Bill Veeck, then owner of the St. Louis Browns, fired manager Rogers Hornsby four months after he hired him in 1952, the players were so delight- ed they presented Veeck with a gift. Their "Emancipation Tro- phy" was for being the greatest liberator since Lineoln. "I should never have hired Hornsby," said Veeck. "I thought he had mellowed more than he had." Throughout 49 years in organ- ized baseball as a player, coach, and manager, Hornsby never drank, never smoked, and never mellowed. "I'm a man with one interest in life--baseball," he said. "I don't give a damn about anything else--and I never did. Most of the players I managed never had the ability I had." Seven times National League batting champion (including a twentieth-century high average of .424), four times runs-batted- in leader, and twice homerun 'leader, Hall of Famer Hornsby was the greatest right-handed hitter in baseball history. His 358 lifetime average was topped sonly by left-handed Ty Cobb's 367. "When I came up from north Fort Worth, Texas, at 18; 1 was one of the weakest hitters around," recalled second-base- man Hornsby, who hit .246 as = rookie in 1015. "But I worked on my weaknesses." From 1921 through 1925, the b5-foot-11%, 180-pound line-drive specialist averaged a phenomenal .402. "I don't like to sound egotistical," Hornsby admitted, "but every . time I stepped up to the plate, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the pitcher." Hornsby was less successful as a manager. He teams (the Cardinals, Braves, Cubs, Reds, and the Browns twice--and he was fired six times, the last time by Cincinnati in 1953. In 1962, he returned to baseball full time as batting coach for the New York Mets. He didn't stir up the hitters (the Mets hit .240, lowest in the ma- jors), but he did stir up contro- versy with his skirmishes and his autobiography ("My War With Baseball"). An outspoken voice in the cliché-filled baseball vacuum, Hornsby had knives and needles for every one: "Any physically able American boy who doesn't play baseball is not, in my opinion, an American. I think it's just as important to pitch, catch, and hit a baseball as it is to learn the ABC's." "Regard everybody you play play against as your enemy. And don't pay any attention to that silly thing about it's not whether you won or lost but how you played the game. They keep score, don't they?" Early in January, suffering from a heart condition, Hornsby died at 63. High School Seniors Flunk On Communism The hardest thing about teach- ing young Americans what Com- munism and capitalism stand for may turn out to be the long-pre- vailing attitude that it isn't nec- essary for them to learn it -- that they get it by a kind of osmosis that comes of being Americans. That, at any rate, is a possible conclusion from the results of the first year of a six-week course in the subject required by state law for high school seniors in Florida. Only half the Jackson- ville students who took the final test scored a passing grade of more than 70 per cent. Furthermore, a third of them failed to pick out as false the statement "It is possible to be at the same time a loyal citizen of this country and a true Com- munist," 'which was what the State Legislature had been most particular they should learn. The course says the law, shall lay special emphasis on the false doc- trines, evils and dangers of Com- munism, and ways to fight it. Some of the seniors had only the most confused notion of what Communists and capitalists are even after taking the course. One said capitalists are "anti-Com- munists," another that they are "the haves, and the proletariat the have-nots." As for the other system, a graduate of the course described it by saying that "whenever you have a thesis and antithesis you always have a syn- thesis which is Communism." All of which suggests that teaching-the nature of Commun- ism is not going to be very suc- cesful when it is based-on crash courses hastily flung together. -- St. Louis Post-Dispatch managed six DOMESTIC HELP WANTED Good Wages General for Forest HHI home; own bed- room, sitting room and bath; 4 school ated children, liberal time off. Russell Hill Road, Toronto ¥, Ont. "HELP WANTED MALE FARM HELP WANTED Experienced man for dairy farm. State gAnerieney and wages Philip Gereski, Port Perry, MALE SALES HELP WANTED ARE yu now selling or do you wish te sell? Then we have an opening for you. Prestige American Company commenc- ing operations in Canada requires sales staff to introduce our program on am appointment basis. High commission and bonus rate. 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By making a practice of rubbing them frequently with egg whites which kave beem beaten to a stiff comsistenc. --% p-- FIRE IN THE SKY -- A fireman looks up at the Empire State Building ufter a series of fires broke out in the world's tallest building. The fires were believed to have originated in elec- tric wiring in a pipe shaft which runs the entire height of the 1,472-foot structure. o & «