The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

: 14 -- PORT PERRY STAR -- Tuesday, April 24, 1984 Parents are people too with Tough Love What do you do when you're afraid of your own children? When you hesitate to leave the house for a weekend, just in case you return to find it in a shambles? When you can't leave money on top of your dresser because there's a good chance Jane might steal it? When you have to fix holes in the walls every time Johnny has a temper tantrum? Dr. Ron Urquhart has four teenagers and late- ly, all four have been pretty well-behaved. 'Things weren't always so placid in the Urqu- hart residence, how- ever, as the Willowdale veterinarian explained to a groun of parents in the Seagrave United Church last Monday night. His twin girls were all a father could wish for, with good marks, part- time jobs, and active social lives. His young- .est teenager had his moments and had to be AA A i a RR 0 'Have you ever walked into your own living room and found what looks like a Satan's Choice motorcycle gang?" quipped Dr. Ron Urquhart, a representative of Tough Love, who spoke to a large group of parents at Seagrave United Church last Monday night. See story for details. DAY OLD BROILER | 'CHICKS OR DAY OLD PULLETS PLACE ORDERS BY: MAY 3/84 FOR PICK-UP: MAY 25/84 BROOKS FEED STORE 154 Queen St., Port Perry PHONE 985-7992 4 bribed to clean his room on more than one occasion, but was a good kid overall. But it was hist oldest son who gave him all the trouble. It . started when the young- ster was kicked out of school iri Grade Two and progressed until the Urquhart family was familiar with the police, Children's Aid, psychia- trists and a whole myriad of social service agencies. No Success None of them was successful in bringing peace to the family. So two years ago, Ron Urquhart and his wife discovered the Tough Love philosophy through the Willowdale Parents Support Group. 'And boy, have things changed since then," he " said with a grin. "We do not run a democratic household anymore. As long as the kids are in our house, we're the boss." More than 50 curious parents (and a few wary teenagers) turned up at the church hall to hear something about one of North America's fastest growing concepts in teenage discipline. Tough Love has been both put down and revered by the media as a way of handling pro- blem teenagers, but for parents like Ron Urqu- hart, it's a strategy for keeping your family's sanity. 'Have you ever walk- ed into your own living room and found what loons uxe a Satan's Choice motorcycle gang lounging on your couch?" he asked. "Don't get me wrong, most teenagers today are super. What I'm talking about are a few teenagers who are giv- ing their parents some- thing to think about." Peer Parents Parents who belong to the Willowdale Parents Support Group have joined because their son or daughter has present- ed them with one or more problems they can't deal with on their own. By joining the . group, they have found fellow parents who offer suggestions and support in dealing with Johnny. They've found a peer: group who understand their problems and can help guide them through some troublesome years. 'All the parents in the group are having pro- blems with their teen- agers", he said. And when he says '"problems", he's not talking about a son who isn't as affectionate as he used to be or a daughter who "sauces" back' every once in a while. He's talking hard core problems where violence can erupt. Some of the problems which plague parents include some or all of the following: filthy rooms (which by them- selves, he says, are normal); verbal abuse and fighting with sibl- ings or parents; home late; stealing objects or money from the home; bringing home rude, unkempt people; play- ing the stereo at all hours; coming home drunk or stoned; break- ing doors, walls, and furniture; avoiding family members; lying around the house all day and out all night; threats of violence; sus- pension from school, playing hookey; fight- ing with teachers; bad report cards; disorderly conduct in public places; driving offences; accidents; shoplifting; robbery and dope dealing. Shoddy Excuses And lying when they're confronted with it. "Some parents out there are dealing with Flat-topped fenders and the sleek lines of a completely enclosed engine compartment don't just look good. They help the B8200's 19 hp diesel engine run quietly. Operator comfort is further increased by the large floor- boards that offer a real platform, more like a big tractor The B&200 has other special features too. Two speed rear PTO, nine forward and three reverse speeds, Category | 3-point hitch, large control levers and a choice of 2- or 4 wheel drive So come by and take your own TEE @KUBOTR Nothing like it on earth" B & W FARM SERVICE Hwy. 7 & 12 - South of Sunderland (705) 357-3760 or 357-3192 shoddy behaviour and shoddy excuses. all the time," Dr. Urquhart said. "They shouldn't have to." Tough Love has 10 basic beliefs that guide parents through the roughest times. The first, Dr. Urquhart says, is the most complicated. "Things have chang- ed an awful lot between the early 50's and the early 80's. I think the raunchiest thing I had to deal with when I was a teenager was the Eaton's catalogue. Now there's Playboy and Penthouse and drugs. Maybe I led a sheltered life when I was in high school, but I don't think so, and I can't remem- ber even knowing what marijuana was," he said. Family problems, the belief goes, have roots and supports in the culture. So because drugs weren't a pro- blem in the 1950's, Johnny didn't have a drug problem. But because drugs are near- ly as common as cigar- ettes in the 1980's, it's not surprising that Johnny's got a stash hidden in his bedroom. "The other beliefs are simpler, and come as a surprise to many par- ents who are used to being stepped on by their children. Parents Are People Too "Parents are people too. Parents' material and emotional resour- ces are limited. Parents and kids are not equal. Blaming keeps people helpless. Kids' behav- iour affects parents and parents' behaviour affects kids. Taking a stand precipitates a crisis. From controlled crisis come positive change. Families need to give and get support in their own community in order to change. The essence of family life is cooperation, not to- getherness." Parents also have rights, Dr. Urquhart claims. They have the right to a good night's sleep, a clean house, cooperation from their kids, as well as courtesy and responsible behav- iour. They have a right to refuse to pay their childrens' fines,and to stop pulling them out of Handling teenagers with kid (boxing) gloves messy situations they might have put them- selves in. They have the right to make changes in their behaviour their teenagers might not like and they don't have to accept rude or violent behaviour. Dr. Urquhart cites one example of a lady who cooked up to six breakfasts for her fin- icky daughter every morning, trying to pre- pare something the daughter liked. She was wrapped around her teenager's finger so tightly that it took a few months of Tough Love strategy and group support before she had the courage to say Make Your Own Breakfast. No Guarantees As he points out, Tough Love is not a childrearing program, a quickie solution or encouragement to kick your kids out of the house. And it's not something that should be applied without the support of a group like the Willowdale Parents Support Group. Through weekly meet- ings, phone calls, coffee and conversation, the group lends a hand to parents who feel their problems are isolated and can't be cured by professionals. It isn't guaranteed to work for everyone, but for people like Ron Urquhart, who suffered through years of professional child care workers who kept trying to analyze his son and the family situation, and trying to find a cause for the boy's behaviour - instead of doing something about it. "We as parents find a lot of circumstances to blame our children's behaviour on. Forget why it's happening, just try and change it," he said. "This type of thing isn't for every- body because the whole thing can be pretty scarey. Like the first time you call the police, for example. But it worked for me and there's no trick to it. We're just parents.' For more information about the Tough Love philosophy or for details on the parent support meeting nearest you, call Jean Foesier at 223-9551 or 223-5713. FARMERS! Spring is Here (We Hope) Get your order in now for your fencing. HORSE & CATTLE FENCING - OUR SPECIALTY! We have a full line of Fencing Materials. ORONO CUSTOM FENCING (17 YEARS IN BUSINESS) 983-5530 -- CALL FOR ESTIMATES --