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4 -- PORT PERRY STAR -- Tues., February iv, ives Editorial Comments EDITOR'S NOTE: eo It seems that a lot of people across this fair land are wondering just what is going on in Canada these days: more specifically, who is steering the ship of state and in what direc- tion is that ship going. Why, even way down in Amherstburg, deep in the heart of Ontario's 'banana belt" where spring is just around the cor- ner, there is unrest. The following column, written by an old friend, John James, publisher of the Amherstburg Echo, caught our atten- tion recently. John's column is titled 'Shootin' the Breeze' and we think you'll agree he has a way with words. In his own inimitable style, John more or less sums up the way a lot of people feel about the good ship Canada. Please read on. What the heyall is going on? If things get any more messed up in this country there isn't going to be anybody left to read about. _ What elise can happen in Ottawa? If the next election were held tomorrow, Ed Broadbent deserves to be Prime Minister because he's the only guy who hasn't boogered up the system yet. "alk about 'signs of the times.' That would be a powerful elec- tion platform these days. You can't find much in the way of better reasons to elect somebody, until one remembers that was probably 'the best thing a guy named Brian Mulroney had going for him a cou- ple of years back. A real resounding success story developed out of that decision, huh? The Brady Bunch could handle Canada's affairs better than the Tories are doing right now. Now those idiots have gone and handed over most of our fishing rights to the French. Let's see: the country makes the most of its money off natural resources. So far we've handed over the keys for lumber and fish, plus we're working on steel and oil. Water is still ours, but somebody's probably started planning it. D'you suppose the French would be interested i in swapping back part of the fishing rights package for a few million cans of Tuna, or a piece of valuable real estate which might soon be available in An- dre Bissonnette Ss fiding? } % Things are Bi appearing a bito on the 'loosey-goosey' side down home in Ontario. Solicitor General Ken Keyes is is a guy ydu could really get to dislike ~ without working up too much of a sweat. First he turns an OPP patrol 'boat into a floating drink dispensary, then he starts cracking 'off- colour' jokes in the legislature. Now he's come up with some recommendations to severely restrict police chases (unless the driver is completely blotto or has committed a 'serious crime'), and wants shotguns removed from view (and easy access).in the front seats of patrol cars. ~ If there's one thing Mr. Keyes will never be BeCusey of, it's a great sense of timing. Last week a 35 year old Mountie with a wife and three young kids was shot dead in Calgary because he stopped a van suspected of involvement in a gasoline theft. Convenience store operators are being gunned down during holdups that net the criminals little more than enough money to play a few games of electronic pinball. The best drawing movies and video rentals feature sword- swinging Ninjas and weapon-bedecked Rambos, and every red- blooded kid between the ages of 12-18 has a set of home-made nun- chakus (nasty little sticks with a chain attached) in his arsenal of 'toys.' With the way things are going these days, we're gonna be look- ing at a shortage of police officers. A bunch of them will be either dead, hospitalized or unable to afford the insurance premiums to their profession. As for police chases, anys s.0.b. 'who tries to do a , getaway is ob- viously guilty as hell, and should be strung up by the toes for a cou- ple of weeks. At the least, make it a mandatory jail term, and a five year licence suspension. Why in heaven's name are we pampering the people on the JF 17% Noy BROKE, f £ wrong side of the la Port Porry (Qa A po : y (WN 235 QUEEN STREET - PORT PERRY, ONTARIO Phone 985-7383 P.O Box90 LOB INO | J. PETER HVIDSTEN Men ot the Publisher "anadan Commun " Newsnet Assocation t M ar i" Ontano Community New dpaper ASSOC:abhon RB a Published every Tuesday by the Port Perry Star Co id Port Perey Ontario 1B. McCLELLAND Editor CS ) Authorized as second class mad Dy the Post Ottice Department Ottawa and tor cash CATHY OLLIFFE payment of postage nn calh News & Features : % Second Class Mail Registration Number 026% Subscription Rate In Canada $15.00 per year Elsewhere $45 00 per year Single Copy 35 Chatterbox by Cathy Olliffe SECRET SISTERS? Is it true? Are me and Christie Blatchford soul mates, or what ? I used to suspect there was some weird con- nection between myself and the columnist for the 'Toronto Sun, but I was never sure until now. Un- til I received a letter from someone who happens to read both my columns and the infinitely better columns by Blatch. The letter came complete with a clipping from Blatch"s column titled "Un-Popular Mechanics..' dated February 2, 1987. Basically, the column 'dealt with various peeves associated with driving, or as Blatch herself put it: "Good morning and welcome to Maddening And Urgent Questions For And About Cars And Their Drivers." Already, just by reading the first line, I was caught by the similarity of content between this column and the recent rash of my columns deal- ing with driving. But I was completely surprised by a paragraph halfway through, circled in blue ink by "the letter writer, Janice Holtby of Port Perry. The circled paragraph reads: "Has anyone else but me noticed that drivers who wear hats (toques excepted) are uncommon- ly poor drivers ?' Oh boy, I thought to myself, is Blatch ever gonna get it now. I reflected back to January 6, '1987, when I wrote "The Dreaded 57" and made a few nonsensical comments about drivers who wear hats. The comments caused endless com- ments from other people upset by my flipness. And there was Blatch, making the same observa- ~ tion. Oh boy. Anyways, here's the letter that accompanied the clipping, sent, as_ I said, by Janice Holtby: "I always read Chatterbox and enjoy the col- umn very much. Also I read Letters to the Editor and see you have been getting some flack. - "Well, very often I read Christie Blatchford and know your affection and admiration of her col- umn, but I was SHOCKED by this enclosed clipp- ing. I came to the following conclusions: a) you two are secretly sisters b) she reads your Chatterbox and is STEAL- ING your material to fill in her column since you had this in your column first ¢) she is reading the Port Perry Star and saw . the Letters to the Editor section and thought she would lend you a hand d) you are both so observant and noticed this terrible hazard and just had to write about it e) all of the above f) none of the above." The letter continues with many complimen- tary platitudes, which I won't re-print here since I am such a modest person (and boastful of it), but thank you anyway, Janice, for the nice letter Believe me, it's great to get a nice letter once in a blue moon. But back to the question at hand, the apparent connection between Blatch and myself. Let's ex- plore each of the possibilities mentioned point by point in Janice's letter: - a) you two are secreily sisters. I've often wondered about this but have come to the conclusion it cannot be true. Although I wish it was because then Blatch could get me a job at 'the Sun as her ghost writer and I would make mega-bucks and drive a BMW and such. I don't think she's my sister because a) I highly resemble both my parents, my brother and my sister, all of whom are brunettes, except my f ather, who used to be brunette but is now totally white. probably because he too reads the Letters to the Editor section of this newspaper. Blatch, on the other hand, is blonde and proud of it, and in way resembles me physically. Also, her father is named Rancid. while my father's name is mere- ly Bill; b) Blatch is much older than me, almost as old as my mother, and could in no way have been conceived by her, unless my mother was pregnant when she was about eight, which I highly doubt; ¢) Blatch enjoys sports such as hockey and baseball, which I dislike immensely, along with my entire family. Rancid used to manage an ice rink, I think, while Bill doesn' t even watch Hockey Night In Canada. b) she reads your Chatterbox and is STEAL- ING your material to fill in her column since you had this in your column first. Possibly, this is true, although I also doubt it. First of all, Blatch works and probably lives in Toronto, and like most Torontonians, she probably doesn't even know where Port Perry is. And even if she did, by some miracle, know where Port Perry is, I'm willing to bet she does not have a subscription to the Port Perry Star. I cannot see any conceivable reason why she would want to read my column, the bowling scores, the latest fair board blurb, or the Nestleton/Caesarea news. MacLean's magazine, Sports Illustrated and Roll- ing Stone may be on her reading list, but I suspect the Star is not. And how can she possibly steal my material when she doesn't even read the Star? Does she have spies? Does she read minds? Hmmmm, some questions still remain here. ¢) she is reading the Port Perry Star and saw the Letters to the Editor section and thought she would lend a hand. I'm sure she would lend a hand if she read the Port Perry Star, but alas, she does not. (Maybe 'I'll send her a subscription for her birthday). d) you are both so observant and noticed this terrible hazard and just had to write about it. This is true. Modestly speaking, of course. (Turn to page 7)