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YN-------- ag -- w------ ---- w-- Happy New Year! On looking back over the past year, I can only hope things are better in 1988. But in our oddball world, I'm afraid, they may get worse. Take taxes. Last year in Susukan in western Java, they.instituted a new tax. If one wants to get married, get credit or get out of the country, one must also get mice. Fifty to be exact, if one wants to be married or divorced. And no application for credit is acceptable unless seventy-five little mice come with it. Susukan has a serious problem with mice infesta- tion and the mice tax is an effort to control it. These little innovations have a way of spreading. Don't be surprised this year if North America airports copy the plan and institute a new airport tax. If you want to fly anywhere, you have to come up with three pieces of lost luggage. And there could be a new tax on driving. In order to get an annual license, you have to turn. in two reckless drivers or one freeway sniper. But there are better issues than taxes. This year be prepared for flavored toilet paper. ~ Last year a man wrote to the American En- vironmental Protection Agency trying to find out if toilet paper causes cancer. The man suffers from a disease that makes him crave non-food substances and he has been eating toilet paper every day for . - twenty years. If he's just one of a large, silent, hid- den group of consumers on that particular roll, any time in 1988 we can probably expect toilet paper com- panies to introduce a full range of gourmet blends. And on the topic of food, a British man could become dinner. Lord Avebury, a member of the Bri- tain's House of Lords, said last year he intended to leave himself to the dogs. Avebury wants his remains to be fed to the strays in a home for dogs. If he succeeds, we can expect yet a new clause on our 1988 drivers' licenses. By simply marking the appropriate category, we'll be able to leave our bodies to science, donate our organs, or feed the animals. Under the animal category, we'll have to indicate which ones we want to be fed---cats, dogs...or Ohne Woman" s View . by Chris Carlisle BETTER IN 19887? killer toads. The killer toads, multiplying rapidly in central Florida according to a report last year, grow up to a foot long and have glands of poison in their eyes that cankill a dog or cat. When a dog tries to eat the frog, the poison kills the dog. If the toads were big enough, maybe they could take care of some of the poisonous snakes and alligators in Florida, so the human re- mains of snake haters could go to the frogs. Tell me stranger things haven't happened with the deceased and I'll tell you about drive-in funeral parlors--also in Florida where they introduced that crazy law allowing people to carry concealed weapons. A funeral home in Florida opened up a drive-in window so families could display the remains of their deceased and those paying their respects wouldn't even have to get out of the car. It can only mean that drive-in marriages and divorces are next. Unfortunately, in the case of divorce, only one person will be able to drive away in the family car. As for marriage, last year's advice by a former president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists has me baffl- ed and I have no idea what trends to expect for the coming year. Women have to be sassy and bold these days if they want happiness with New Age Men, the woman told a 1987 sexuality conference at the University of Guelph. Men's expectations have changed and they want women who are more aggressive. "If you don't want to rip his jeans off, then go and watch television," the sex therapist said. I guess that means if you don't want to rip his Jeans off, you'll be watching television alone. I guess that means in '88 we can either expect a run on televi- sion sales or a run on blue jeans. So be prepared for a nationwide shortage of one or the other if her philosophy takes hold. As I said, I'm hoping things get better in 1988, but somehow I doubt they will. Marvellous time on ice o> Epsom and Area News by Jean Jeffery A large group) trom Epsom spent a few hours Dec. 29th at Uxbridge skating rink. Everyone had a marvelous time and all enjoyed the origanized hockey played by our friends and neighbours. Our heart- felt thanks to Donald and Fay Sim- monds for arranging this fun filled afternoon for us. Mr. and Mrs. John Bruce and family were dinner guests with Doug and Beth Wilson last Sunday. Congratulations to Richard and Heather Ashton on the arrival of their daughter Victoria Heather. Congratulations also to the grand- parents, Keith and Faye Ashton and Rick and Shirley Bell. Great- grandparents Donald and Stella Asl- ing also Shirley's parents and Rick's mother. We welcome Brad and Pam Oldham and children to our community. Don't forget Day apart Jan. 11 at Browns Corners Jan. 11. Rev. Newton Reed is guest speaker. The UI C W. will be at the home of Lil Lindsay Jan. 12 at 1 p.m. All ladies welcome. On Jan. 20 at 7:45 p.m. the Social Club will meet at Epsom Chygeh for a pot luck supper. welcome especially any newcomers to our area. On New Years Day Mr. and Mrs. Sterlin Jeffery were guests at the Jeffery home. Jennifer and Joseph Pospolita and Joseph's friend Marylin of Langley B.C. visited a few days last week at the home of Elva and Walter Kerry. Larry and Shirley Olson were din- ner guests with Walter and Elva on New Years Day. On Monday evening Walter and Elva invited all their neighbours on the 6th concession to their home. They had a lovely evening and met several new-comers and were pleas- ed to welcome them and make friends. Anne Tapscott arrived home from a visit to her brother John at Orangedale. She was a day late forget Pierre Leduc. in four weeks. Viewpoint (From page 5) Finally, I wish that 1988 is the year the Junior C hockey team in Port Perry makes some real noise in the playoffs. There are people close to the team who have been following the Port Perry Junior C's into a lot of cold, drafty arenas for the past 15 winters. A winner this season would put big smiles on the faces of guys like Carl Luke, Maurice Jeffrey, Charlie Bourgeois, Walt San- dison, Murray Parliament and others who have spent so much time over the years with Junior C hockey i in Port Perry. Not to * And this is my 11th winter covering Junior C hockey for the Star. It would be kind of nice for once to follow the team down the path to a berth in the all-Ontario championship. Time will tell, of course. This is a good team this season, lots of talent. Hard to believe that playoffs for the MoJacks start A) yone Random Jottings by J. Peter Hvidsten MEMORIES OF SMILEY | was deeply saddened a couple of weeks ago upon learning that an old friend and business acquaintance of the Port Perry Star had passed away. Many readers of this newspaper will re- member the columns written by Bill Smiley under the heading "Sugar and Spice" which graced the pages of the Star every week for over 20 years, until Bill's retirement about two years ago. Bill Smiley's formula for a successful col- umn was rather simple. Write about life in a small community, things that everyone could relate to, add a pinch of humour, a sprinkle of santiment, a dash of satire and mix it well. When it came to this recipe, Bill proved he was the master. Week in and week out he churned out his column telling about life in his hometown of Midland, where he was head of the English Department at Midland High School. He used as his subjects his wife 'Suze (who he referred to as the "old battle-axe"), his son Hugh, daughter Kim, and he could turn insig- nificant events like washing the dishes, cutting the grass or playing a game of golf into a hilarious piece of literature. Being a teenager at the time when Smiley's kids were also the same age, | can remember a few occassions when my parents, the Smiley's, Merl Tingley (Ting). the Star's cartoonist, would sit up all hours of the night having a few drinks and discussing, "who knows what now". In was at these meetings, usually conven- tions, or golf tournaments, that | began to ap- preciate Smiley's humour. Even though | could not understand everything they were talking about, it was\very apparent that he was the "king" of humour at these gatherings. I'll always remember Bill Smiley, and | am sure that the thousands of hearts he touched through his columns and personal contact during his lifetime will be a little emptier now he is gone. Goodbye Bill, we'll all miss you. NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS Here we are, a few days into 1988 and | have not made any New Year's resolutions to date. I've thought about making a few, but like most people mine only last a few days and then its back to the same old routine. But there is one thing that | really would like to do for the next few months, and | am going to try desparately achieve at least this one goal. I'm not calling it a New Year's resolution, but | am going to make a promise to myself to cut-out "french fries", (with or without the gravy) until | can get back into my size *# pants comforatably again. This is not to say that | am going to start a diet, because diets never work for me, but | am really going to try and cut down (for a while anyway). | just love to eat, and there is nothing quite like steaming hot french fries, but somewhere one has to draw the line. We'll just have to see how it goes. PREDICTIONS FOR 1988 As you will see in this issue of the Star, we have scanned the pages of 1987 and given our readers a "glimpse of the major events in the past year". Now, what lies ahead for us in 1988? While no one really knows the future, you can bet there will be a lot of predictions about what will be happening in Scugog Township during the next year, and | thought | would just add my few to those you may have made yourself. Here we go........... 1. The Durham Board of Education will actually get a shovel in the ground for a new elementary school in Port Perry, after over two years of fighting for a location that they were unable to secure. 2. Open Sunday shopping in Port Perry will be- come a reality, even though many merchants do not want it. 3. Council will give the go-ahead to the proposed Conway development with a few minor changes in the number of apartments and/or condominiums on the site. 4. Traffic congestion-on 7A highway near the Port Perry Plaza will continue to be a curse to local resi- dents, and visitors, as no traffic light will 1% ap- proved for the entrance to the Plaza. (Turn to page 8)