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lh - er - PRY! Of and verraut GETS VAI Ta vor 4 -- PORT PERRY STAR -- Tuesday, June 13, 1999 The i Intrepid Cotltager | by Craig Nicholson (c. 1988 All Rights Reserved) WOOD Everyone should have a position on wood. Mine is flat on my aching back. Before assuming that proneness, wood was a neutral entity to me. I took it for granted, except for the night in the city that a huge branch of it crushed my car in the driveway. That got my attention. But even then, city works crews made it disappear quickly. In the country wood is hard to ignore. It stands everywhere 1 look. It sits around in neatly piled stacks. It clutters the roads after a storm. It gets tapped, sprayed, trimmed, stood under, standed in, made into things, cut and burned. It is a fact of life, and now, a hard fact of my life. My first clue should have been that the noun "wood" is singular - "'woods" being the place where the deer are suppos- ed to be. Never in the history of human language has a singular noun had so plural a reality. When a neighbour says "'Can you help me move wood?" does he ever mean only one piece? I've found that it's never less than 847. Another clue should have been the guy down the highway. The first time I saw his wood pile, I drove into the ditch. It puts the Dome to shame. There's enough wood there to roast every hot dog any of us will ever have to eat for dinner. I couldn't understand how anyone could ever get or need so much wood. Then one weekend it had disappeared quickly. I didn't know ci- ty works crews travelled that far afield. I should have had a clue when the realtor told me the previous owner's annual hydro bill was $300. Our first winter was closer to that per month. After turning everything off for several weeks, I bumped into the wife one night. She asked icily if maybe 8 that dirty old stove in the basement had anything to do with it. "Yes," I said, "that's where I burned the hydro bill." She Sersamed the fateful suggestion that we should burn some wood Sounds simple, eh? Basically it is. I mean it's not real think- ing work. If it was, the first thought wood be how to stop doing it. For between that majestic tree and that warm fireplace lies a veritable purgatory of endless suffering. First, I had to find a tree to cut down. After eliminating live ones, loved ones, owned ones, infested ones, tangled ones, Crown ones, huge ones, and ones that would inevitably fall onto my car, I was down to one lone tree. When I looked out my window, it was the one I couldn't see the forest for. This was when I discovered the first rule of wood: it is hot & from first cut to last ash. We're not talking comfortable, con- trollable warmth here, we're talking sweaty, rampant heat. And bone crushing weight. This is the second rule of wood: the heavier it is and the more times I move it, the more hot I get. This appealed to my sense of cheapness until I realized that wood work must be done in the summer to be ready for that winter. So instead of tree to stove, now the wood-shugging is tree to truck to pile to basement to stove. This is the rule of wood: it is no good unless handled at least 4 or 5 times. Addi- tional transactions that generate enough heat to eliminate hydro altogether - if only it could be harnessed. That's the fourth rule of wood: most of the generated heat is lost without ever getting into the house. : So I cut, split, threw on the truck, drove, threw off the truck, stacked, waited several months, lugged to basement, thence to wood stove. And in the process, discovered the fifth rule of wood: split where you stack, otherwise there are seventeen times as many pieces to throw on and off that truck. Speaking of stack, it was only after I began to buy wood from my horizontal position, that I learned about cords. I thought a bush cord was one the cutter left in the woods for the buyer to retrieve. A face cord was one delivered right to the door so the cutter can see the buyer's shocked expression at the price. It turns out that the face is a facade with no bush behind it at all. If a city boy and a country boy go to cut a cord of wood, the latter will return with a bush, the former on a stretcher making a face. If a country boy sells a city boy wood, cord takes on a whole new meaning, hence the sixth rule of wood: a pick-up truck load is neither a face nor a bush - it's a ford cord, always off by 67 and % pieces. That winter I burned my first wood. And quickly learned the seventh, and most important rule of wood: men want to hoard it, women want to nder it. Maybe it's because the man has already been super-heated 5 or 6 times by that wood, or because he's had a chance to get kind of personal with it. I've-begun to § and name individual pieces. Or mayhe it's just because he's had to work so hard to get it, and hates to see it go so easy. Women will never by truly liberated until they take over wood. § The wife wants to put the first fire on in September. She looks out at them thar woods and says to herself: 'Yup, thar's plenty more whar that cum from!" If she needs the. fireplace in September, what's she going to do by February, ignite the house? ' So we compromise. I promise not to use the chain saw on (Turn to page 40) Womens' Institute International Luncheon by Lillian Harper The final meeting of Honeydale W. I. before the summer "break," took the form of an International luncheon at 12:30 p.m., featuring Hawaiian, Dutch, Mexican, etc., foods, as well as good old Cana- dian dishes, all of which were much enjoyed by alll The business meeting followed, with Mary Cannon presiding. The financial report showed that our bazaar and luncheon held in May was quite successful, Mention was made of a plann- ed bus trip to Haliburton July 31st to visit craft shops and other points of interest. It was voted that we contribute $100.00 toward Skpenses incurred during the 4H Club exchange dur- ing the summer. A splendid report was given by Jean Carnochan of the district an- nual at Greenbank, which was at- tended by 12 members of Honeydale Branch. There is to be a meeting at Helen McKean's home, June 12 to make plans for our display at Port World Relief Scugog Island Area News by Mrs. Earl Reader Wed. June 7, sixteen ladies of the '"Head" U.C.W. met at the home of Mrs. Pat McGhee on Ger- row's Beach. We were pleased to welcome Bettie Smith back from the south and Kaye Hanley. We admired Pat's modern home recently built by her husband which proves he is a very fine builder. Mrs. Helen Hortop conducted the Devotional part and gave an illustrative reading based on the qualities of a round tulip. For the roll call Clara Dowson had distributed interesting selec- tions of a comic nature which pro- duced a period of laughs. It was reported that the joint U.C.W. meeting to learn about PENS Pencils - Markers All Colours PORT PERRY STAR 235 Queen Street - 985-7383 CONTINUOUS FORMS Printed and Blank PORT PERRY STAR 235 Queen Street 985-7383 Jambia had resulted in a collec- tion of $117.25 for World Relief. We were reminded of 'Pioneer Days" at the Scugog Museum and plans discussed for the lunch and work periods for members. Two wedding receptions are considered for 1990 as well as quilting. It was noted that our former member Alva Thompson and her husband Clare, now living at Richmond Hill would be celebrating their 60th wedding an- niversary on June 15, so a com- mon congratulatory card was signed by all members. On Sunday the children and families of the Island United were blessed with a perfect day for the Annual Picnic which involved a good attendance. Of course we know next Sunday will be Father's Day and many groups will recognize this special occasion. Perry Fair. Several members of- fered to contribute items for the display. It was drawn to our attention that we should start making plans for our 55th anniversary next year, also that we are to host the District Annual next year. Beginning in September, we will be holding our meetings at the Presbyterian Church Hall, with the first meeting to be on the second Monday, since the first Monday is Labor Day. Please note change of time and place of meeting! The roll call was answered by telling our place of birth, as well as the place of birth of our grand- parents and great-grandparents, which proved interesting. The program "International Af- fairs was ably planned and presented by Mabel Cawker, us- ing the motto "Good will, friend- ship and understanding are essen- tial for good international relationships." Mabel had several of the members give meaningful - readings, as well as dealing with the motto in a very worthwhile way, interjecting her usual bits of humor, all of which should be kept for future reference! We were pleased to have Luella Kennedy with us. When called upon, she reminisced about her mother's participation in the Women's Institute for so many years. At the request of her late mother, Flossie Ploughman, she presented her mother's life membership pin to Jean Car- nochan, who accepted graciously, expressing her thanks for being so honored. : To close this excellent meeting, we sang 'The Hymn of All Na- tions' followed by a Women's In- stitute prayer sung to the tune "Bless this House!" ™N to keep her warm. More Intrepid Cottager 1 page 40) her if she stays away from the fireplace. I say: "If you want a fire on this early, there's the axe!" She says: "Honey, you won't burn nearly as well as wood." It's these heated exchanges that cut down on our wood consumption. That and the new space heater, slippers, long johns, robe and snug sack I've had to buy (From Me, I just go out and shug around some more wood. P.O. Box 940 LOC 1KO 852-6249 12 Main Street North Uxbridge, Ontario Keith W. Noble, C.A. is pleased to announce that his practise has been combined with that of BDO Ward Mallette effective June 1, 1989 * * The combined practice offers services in: * Accounting & Auditing * Taxation & Tax Planning Computer Consulting Management Advisory Services