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PORT PERRY STAR -- Wednesday, July 5, 1989 -- 21 Intrepid | Cottager by Craig Nicholson (c. 1988 All Rights Reserved) DOGS & PORCUPINES Dogs and cottages go together. At least that's how I'm try- ing to sell mine. There was something satisfying about letting my dogs loose at the lake. Like I was doing them a favour. Which was repaid in blood. Fortunately not mine. Mine was the sweat, tears and muscle cramps. Theirs was the hot pursuit of a wilderness romance. : My theory is that dogs and porcupines are in love. And as fanciful as that may be, both creatures pursue it with passion. It's the stuff of great Hollywood movies. The attraction is magnetic with Fido assertive and porky passive. And with Rover always getting the shaft, although it's usually hundreds not just one. In fact, I have two. Dogs, that is. Babe and Copper - female Siberian Huskies, bred for strength, endurance and supposedly some smattering of intelligence. But mine are one brick short § of a load when it comes to porcupines. Not even a faint remain- ing flicker of instinct issues an internal warning bark. The way it started was this: the girls were trotting along the road in front of me looking lovelorn as only a dog can. I || always thought all that sniffing was to locate other dogs. Not = so. They're looking for their great lost love, Mr. Porcupine. Suddenly, there he was and the girls were off like Sidewinder missiles on a Libyan jet, despite frantic calls from me whom i they are supposed to love the most. With bounding exuberance | they took up the chase which wasn't very impressive since Mr. § Porcupine didn't move. He'd found his long lost love too, why | fight it? So he kind of hunkered down in a tight little ball to wait | the courting ritual. Babe began with a delicate sniff of Mr. Porcupine's nether : end. And got the shaft(s) to the nose as Mr. Porcupine wagged ® his tail in greeting. The reverse wag filled her mouth. Which cued Copper, arriving late, but undeterred by anyone £ else's pain, to join the action. Mr. Porcupine was having difficul- § ty distributing his quills evenly between his two consorts, : especially since Copper had some catching up to do. But she : ¢ quickly collected more barbs than either Babe or Cupid. Now came the part where I feel needed. z There were two dogs rolling around in agony and blood, try- | ing to claw out Mr. Porcupine's departing gifts. My job was to = immobilize the dogs, get help, keep calm and send Mr. Porcupine = to the big tree in the sky. I tied Babe's paws together with my i¢ belt to prevent further injury and carried Copper home bellow- | ing for help calmly at the top of my lungs and trying to hold up & my pants. A frantic drive to the vet and $160 later, I was positive that my girls had learned their lesson. No more blind dates. They had a good teacher and I would continue to pound this lesson & home. : I've had better obedience from gerbils. 'E Certainly I had underestimated either the power of unre- quited love or the total count of our collective brain cells. Hard- i ly had I turned my back when they were at it again - another failed romance, sharp and painful in its ending. Being short of patience and pocketbook, I decided that this affair required an object lesson. The objects of said lesson were uncooperative, ungrateful 8 and downright rude - caterwauling loudly, spraying blood and squirming uncontrollably. I told the wife to control herself. As the wife went to work with scissors and pliers on Babe, I stretched out full length on top, grabbed a jaw in each hand and held that isometric embrace throughout the next three hours, except for when the wife wanted to shut her mouth for a minute. She said I was a great help but weighed too much to always be on top. A awaited her ordeal stuffed in a sack tied around her neck to keep her from clawing herself. All in all, I would have preferred the sack. It wasn't until I tried to get out of it the next morning that I discovered the result of total body isometrics is total body cramps. The wife thought I was getting kinky again. The dogs were so impressed by our loving care that they made a pact to avail themselves of it as often as possible. Since that first fatal liaison, there have been many others, each replete with flying fur, howling and teeth gnashing. The wife suggests that I should shut up and see the dentist. Instead, I bought three stout leashes - one per dog and one for any smart mouths. The wife says I look good in mine. So much for dogs free in the great outdoors. I still have my theory. But now I think that dogs don't love all porcupines, just a specific one and are desperately trying to find it. The wife's theory is stupid dogs taught by an idiot. (0 nt June Is always a popular time for school trips to the national capital area. While In Ot- tawa recently, this group of students from R.H. Cornish School enjoyed a tour of Parlia- ment Buildings and a visit with Durham M.P. Ross Stevenson. BIGGER & BETTER DONUTS _ Come on in and try our new One Doz. 5 donuts at our Special Prices! Jee 43¢, or for Only... 3.25 *** WE ACCEPT ALL COMPETITORS COUPONS *** * SPECIAL * Until July 16th....bring in ANY TRAVEL MUG and have it refilled (ogo) o] V/A .25¢C or... * BONUS x If you have any COMPETITORS MUG, bring it in and we will exchange it FREE for a new DONUT GALLERY MUG GET REFRESHED WITHA JUMBO, 20 ounce SOFT DRINK any flavour.....only m COUPON NOT NECESSARY - THIS WEEK ONLY GAS COUPON QUALITY -- SERVICE -- ECONOMY $1.00 OFF (Minimum 35 litres / one coupon per purchase) CANGO Your All Canadian, Independent Gasoline Retailer. Try the newly renovated CANGO Gas Bar, Simcoe St. N., at the Ridges. Coupon good at this location only. Expires July 11, 1969