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"A Family Tradition for 126 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, June 30, 1992 - 7 ™ prem -- Having visited western Canada recent- ly I returned to write a column about some strange goings-on out there. Alberta's solicitor general alleged to be a wife-beater, a dog-beater, a bicycle-beater, a vigilante? Edmonton's Swine Artificial Insemination Center for sale? Submarines operating in a shopping mall? A Red Deer wedding that ended with everyone being thrown in jail after a brawl in which a ring finger was bitten off? Curlers enjoyed the Limbo? When I found out Mickey Mouse and Disney were suing the West Edmonton Mall over the use of the word Fantasyland I thought, yeah, that's just goofy enough for me. Well. Ex-Edmontonians cancelled sub- scriptions to papers that carry my column. The Edmonton Sun ran excerpts of my col- umn referring to me as a "mealy-mouthed columnist" who lives near Port Colborne "a slag heap on a stinkpond known as Lake Erie." Radio hosts in Alberta used the col- umn as a topic for talk shows. The presi- dent of the Edmonton Chamber of Commerce issued a statement to the press saying my column was "not true, it's not factual and frankly, it's a little insulting." A member of the Alberta legislature took the column to Calgary, faxed it city-wide and the Calgary Sun ran a story on it. And a "proud ex-Edmontonian" called my house and accused me of being a donor Yue A i Si by William Thomas AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR - NOT! to the sperm bank at the Swine Artificial Insemination Center. (My mother who was listening in on the extension giggled but that doesn't mean it's true)! For Edmontonians to believe they have an exclusive on Canadian looniness is lop- sided vanity. Have they not heard of Ottawa's fruit machine? Shelley Martel, who took a lie detector test to prove she's a liar and passed it? My own can Malcolm who roams three square miles of semi-wilderness like a savage, flesh-eating predator then comes in the house to take a leak? Under the stress of the constitution cri- sis and the recession and a dozen more social catastrophes in this country, Canadians are losing their sense of humor. At a time when we need to laugh like never before, we have lost the ability to look at our own distorted reflection in the mirror of reality. Canadians today feel victimized. But victims do indeed see humor in their situa- tions and yes they even laugh...out loud. A while ago I wrote a rather unflatter- ing article on the game of curling which generated an unusual high number of death threats critical responses from curlers. One curler, Gord Dandy from the Welland Curling Club was both bothered and amused. Gord Dandy's response to my column was to create the Annual William Thomas Crap Shoot in which 32 teams of curlers have their names assigned to 32 of my columns, duly numbered and placed on the bottom of a cage...with a duck. This is a live duck which has recently eaten.. You guessed it -- the couple whose number appears on the column on which the duck poops wins the grand prize of the day. A bonus will be added to the prize if the duck drops a smart bomb that finds its way to my photo at the top of the column. A little crude? Yes. But funny? Undeniably so. And humorously Canadian with everybody laughing at themselves. Mr. Dandy said they can't afford to have a real celebrity M.C. the event so he won- dered if I would do it. I couldn't make it this year, but next spring I assure you, I'll be there with a tam and a kilt on. In 1949, Camillion Houde, the mayor of Montreal found himself the guest celebrity of a CFL football game in Calgary where he was to kick off the ceremonial ball at a game between the hometown Stampeders and the Montreal Alouettes, this according to Fred C. Dobbs in his book The Platinum Age of B.S. Quite a character, Houde had been sent to jail by Prime Minister Mackenzie King for urging young men to refuse to join the Canadian Armed Forces during WWII. After the war he was released and promptly re-elected mayor of Montreal. So there he was at old Mewata Stadium at center field with a microphone surround- ed by 15,000 hostile fans screaming things like: "Hey, froggy, how high can you jump?" and "Hey, Houde, how was the crowbar hotel?" and "Hey, Houde, where's your striped suit?" His reception was wicked and it went on until the mob tired itself out. Houde waited for silence as he stood with several nervous officials and the game ball on its kickoff "I" and then he said: - "Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to tell you that I really have enjoyed my visit with you here. Two days ago they took us out to Banff and we saw the scenery there and it certainly is more beautiful and more spec- tacular than anything that we have in the city of Montreal. Yesterday, I was walking around the downtown area and admiring how clean your city is, how orderly it is. And I admired the prettiness of the women of all ages in this city of Calgary, the won- derful expression on their faces, the joy of living that seemed to be there in their smiles. The youthfulness of the west some- how was there. And today, I just can't get over the hospitality shown me here in this stadium. All I can say is that whenever you want me to, I'd be glad to come back out here to kick your balls off!" The man got a standing ovation. A little raw, yes, but without a doubt funny in a uniquely Canadian way. For to lose the ability to laugh at and with each other -- be region, by religion, by race, gender and language is to diminish what makes this country so world-class special. Sometimes to a fault, we are the most tolerant and modest people in the world. We leave it to others to tell us how great we are; but we owe it to ourselves to point out our peculiarities and discrepancies that celebrate those family follies in the first official language of this country laughter. Remember When "? HISTORIC PHOTO COURTESY OF ROY WERRY A 70 Roy Werry of Blackstock purchased this picture (circa 1910-1920) at the Gibson Sale in Greenbank in 1980. Mr. Werry hopes someone in the community is able to identify the people and the type of machinery pictured in the photo. Anyone with information may call Mr. Werry at 986-4887. The Port Perry Star thanks Mr. Werry for submitting this historic photo. 45 YEARS AGO Thursday, June 26, 1947 A testimonial and presentation given by the Board of Education in the Port Perry High School assembly hall honored three of Port Perry's teachers who are retiring. Cameco pins were presented to Miss Eunice Harris, Miss Gertrude certificate and also elementary physical and health Stovin and Miss May Walker. The Hon. G. A. Welsh, D. S. O., addressed over Perry Businessmen's Association held at the United 250 men at a dinner of the Port Church. 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, June 27, 1957 At the Port Perry Public School Field Day, the genior girls champion was Elaine Butson. The the offer from the Royal Canadian Legion Branch senior boys champion was Jim Carnochan. Miss Turrell, Blackstock, has been awarded a special bursary by the International Nickel Company of Canada to be used during summer school at Queen's University. Mr. Gordon Paisley was among the new teachers hired for Cartwright High School. Congratulations to Miss Jessie McArthur of Blackstock who received her high school teachers certificate. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, June 28, 1962 Port Perry Junior Farmers edged out the Uxbridge Club for top honors in this year's Field Day. Port Perry won with 48 points to Uxbridge's 45 total score. A resolution was passed at council to accept the 419 to purchase the old Legion Hall for $1. PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8 | Letters io the editor To the Editor: Our beloved Dominion Day was stolen from us in 1982 by Pierre Elliot Trudeau. Writing in The Toronto Sun, Marcus Van Steen said, "This was a bill that was never debat- ed in the Commons. It was pushed through by trickery on Friday afternoon when there wasn't even a quorum in the house." "It was done with craft and ig- nobly," wrote the highly re- spected columnist Douglas Fisher in the Sun, June 30, 1986. The Globe and Mail, Oct. 27, 1982, called it "...a hasty ill- considered rush to alter an arti- cle of history which meant a lot to many Canadians" and re- vealed that the Senate had re- ceived more than 1,700 letters, 98 per cent of them favoring the retention of Dominion Day. It wrote, "There were only 13 members present in the 282 seat house, seven short of a quo- rum - but since nobody demand- ed an official count, they had their will of the place." What's in a name? Of the new name, Canada Day, the Globe said, "The name it has chosen for the national holiday will, regretably, be scarred by the manner of its choosing." What's in a name you may say? The term 'Dominion' in no sense ever referred to the "domi nion" of the British Monarchy which, as a Constitutional Mon- archy, has no power whatsoever anyway. The term 'dominion' comes from the Bible and was first thought of by Samuel Leo- nard Tilley of New Brunswick, a Father of Confederation. Til- ley quoted from the Book of Ze- chariach, Chapter IX, Verse 10, which says, "His (i.e. God's) Do- minion shall be from sea to sea, and from the river even to the ends of the earth." It was a sort of invocation, a prayer almost, to God to mani- fest His mighty and benign power over our lovely land. And our great country flourished ac- cordingly. But that wasn't good enough for the likes of Trudeau. So out went this proud title for Turnto Page 8 Thanks for support To the Editor: Thank you to all the local peo- ple in the Port Perry/Scugog area for all your support during our Multiple Sclerosis Carna- tion campaign. To the staff of Community Memorial Hospital and Port Perry High School for your pre- orders of flowers and the staff of Dowson's Valu-Mart and Port Perry 1.G.A. for all your assis- tance. Special thanks to all the vol- unteérs, without your efforts the campaign would not have been a success. Your support will help researchers find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis. As always our local press were available to advertise our campaign and support our com- munity volunteer efforts all year. Thank you, Mary Lynch, Port Per , Co-ordinator. ahd et et Sg gt pt eg